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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Massive row with Stepson

60 replies

darkmavis1 · 10/01/2016 22:09

My SS is 18 and still on his christmas break from uni. We've just had a massive row and he's stormed off to his mums house and i feel like shit. Basically, we've never really got on, but i've tried really hard as he's only here at weekends. I find him lazy, selfish and entitled. I gave him a lift the other night to his friends house (after he literally stamped his feet when i said no!) and he said he would be back that night/early morning. On the way i spoke to him calmly about how i understand it's difficult to be back in a family environment after the freedom of being at uni, but we are a functioning family household with a 7 year old, and he needs to be considerate about the noise he makes and the general stomping around. We have a rule that if you aren't coming home, you text or fb message. I think it's fair - no details, just confirmation that he's safe. So, i didn't hear from him until 7pm the next night…was a bit concerned but assumed his phone had died and he was being inconsiderate. He said he'd been too busy to let me know - which annoyed me but i kept quiet.
I arrange tea times according to his schedule, i give him lifts..anything for a quiet life. Conversations are strained.
Tonight, after 2 times of me asking him to keep the noise down i snapped and shouted at him to use his headphones. He shouted at me, so i took my laptop away from him. We then got into the "my house, my rules" thing. My husband is completely on his side all the time and just says he's inconsiderate and to leave it. My problem is i feel like I'm on eggshells whenever he comes over and i don't feel like i should be in my own home. He says it's his home, i say at 18 if you don't like the rules - you find somewhere else. I did! I know i'm pretty bossy and can get passionate, but I'm not nasty. I love him to bits, but can't live with him. I've told him he can come back if he apologises. AIBU?

OP posts:

ManneryTowers · 10/01/2016 23:15

Agree with PP. You need DH on side for this to work. And yes, if the OP is the one busting her arse making meals, organising schedules and doing lift runs then it is her household - by equity if not in law!
OP speak to your DH about this. Tackling it as a team is the only way. I'd have no problem in taking away laptop, lifts and wifi connection if I were spoken to in that way or has someone stamp their foot at me.
Let your DH worry about his whereabouts for now. Don't take on a role your stepson doesn't seem to want or appreciate at the moment. And this too will pass! He thinks he bloody knows it all at the moment I'll bet!

jacks11 · 10/01/2016 23:16

You need to speak to your DH. If you're not on the same page, then you are on a hiding to nowhere. Agree with Aye- you have a DH problem as much as you have a DSS problem.

I agree you DSS sounds inconsiderate (and rude). However, "my house, my rules" only really works if those rules are both you and DH's rules. Inconsistent rules won't work.

I wouldn't necessarily expect an 18 year old to let you know when he was coming home (I didn't have to, although usually gave a rough idea of plans. I wouldn't always have contacted in the middle of the night to let parents know plans had changed). However, it is not unreasonable to say if he comes in late then he needs to be quiet etc. As for meals- you eat when is best for the rest of the family and let him know when that will be (roughly) and if he isn't there for mealtimes that is tough, he'll have to make his own meal (and clean up afterwards).

Morganly · 10/01/2016 23:18

It sounds like you are trying to be his parent and that is letting his dad off the hook.

Why are you giving him lifts? Why doesn't his dad do that?

Why is he using your laptop? Why isn't he using his dad's?

Why does he need to text you about his movements? If his dad doesn't care whether he is coming home or not, why should you?

You need to pick your battles. Making too much noise and waking your 7 year old is a no no and you are right to make a fuss about that. Everything else you mention, I would just back right off and leave to his dad. So no more lifts, no more cooking meals to his schedule, no more lending him your lap top. No more conversations about he can come back when he apologises, my house my rules, if you don't like it you can find somewhere else to live etc.

Jux · 10/01/2016 23:19

The house question is relatively important. Are you married? Is his name on the Deeds? Does he contribute to the mortgage directly or does he give you money for his share, or not at all? Who pays the bills and whose name are they in?

These things matter, not simply with regard to your authority in your own home, but also as you say you've been thinking of leaving him. Is ds his?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/01/2016 23:19

I think the texting thing is fine (I do this) but if your dh isn't on board and the kid refuses to do it what can you do ? You're not going to kick him out are you because your dh will just say no.

I would instead control the things I do for him. Without the considerate behaviour I would not let him use my laptop, or give him lifts anywhere - giving in to foot stamping in an adult is crazy. I would also plate up dinner and leave it in the microwave.

Get some emotional distance from him and withdraw and stop doing things for him. Don't argue - just say no, I don't want to and leave the room.

Antisoc · 10/01/2016 23:24

The texting is silly. How about suggesting he call if he is in need of help otherwise he needn't bother.

It's not as though you are going to go out hunting for him if he doesn't text. You mention in your OP that you just assumed his phone had died when he didn't text you so you don't sound like you were that concerned.

Kewcumber · 10/01/2016 23:24

What Laurie said.

Stop shouting. Start treating him like an adult - no lifts unless it suits you, no special times for tea, no breaking the law in your house (ie no weed) if you find it, flush it. If he wkes anyone up at 2am then wake him up hen you wake up - allvery politely. And disengage.

bakeoffcake · 10/01/2016 23:28

I do think it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to text when he's not returning home, - Ds is 22 and does this when she's back from uni.
I also agree with you re the weed, the stomping about at 2am and the loud music.
But I do think by being as you say "shouty" you really do lose the moral highgroud. Its really not on to shout at your stepson. And I don't agree with you telling him he must apologise before he comes back- that's really daft imo.
You need to have a calm chat with your h and work out how he can support you and to get his son to follow the house rules, in a calm adult way.

OllyBJolly · 10/01/2016 23:49

Agree with previous posters that his dad has to step up.

Having gone through teenage hell with my two DCs (not stepchildren) I don't think he's doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm not saying it's acceptable but do be aware that almost all teens will push the boundaries as far as they can.

I really did find the teenage years difficult - hats off to all of you who have to cope with the added dimension of step parenthood.

Mmmmcake123 · 11/01/2016 00:13

Bringing weed into the house is most definitely not on IMO.
I didn't realise from your OP how much he is getting away with!
Good luck with dad, it sounds very difficult and draining

Katenka · 11/01/2016 06:48

Your dh is the problem.

Why isn't he giving the lifts?

Tbh the whole texting thing is a non issue for you, imo. Set your meal times and if he isn't there he can warm his up. If it's something you can't warm up, he can make something himself.

If your dh wants his son to text him, it's between them. No need for you to be involved. Don't run the family life around your DSS.

You and your dh need to be on the same page.

DanishBlue · 11/01/2016 07:29

I don't think the test is unreasonable at all. My ds 21 is back home after three years of uni away, he still has to text me at 2am or whatever if he won't be back. I worry, end of, it's nothing to him, a few seconds of his life and it's about respecting other people's concerns.

I am a bit shouty too but the noise, the laptop, the lifts... You are right. I wouldn't bother changing your family set up for him though, meals are offered to my dc but if they aren't then when we eat they are plated up and put in the fridge for a nuke later when they are!

feckitall · 11/01/2016 09:44

I'm really amazed there haven't been posters on saying 'he is still a child' 'he is testing boundaries', 'you can't push a child out'

MN must be slipping!

Good luck OP..

TheSecondViola · 11/01/2016 10:12

well, there are some things adults can choose to do that kids can't

Yes, they can. When they have their own house. When these "adults" are in my house, they can live by my rules, such as no food in your room, let us know if you are coming home, and no fucking drugs.

Birdsgottafly · 11/01/2016 10:18

The OP hasn't clarified whose house it is.

The problem arises when both Adults in the Partnership haven't discussed 'absolute house rules' before blending families.

No drugs, would be an absolute for me, unless struggling and going through rehab.

TheSecondViola · 11/01/2016 10:28

It's hers (even if its her husbands too, it doesn't make it any less hers).

If himself is being a weak and ineffectual disney dad, she has to make the rules herself.

Birdsgottafly · 11/01/2016 10:35

Having a different opinion on rules, doesn't make you a Disney Parent.

My DDs are adults and I've only one at home. I wouldn't insist on a txt, because it's pointless, as the OP demonstrated by assuming his battery had died.

She shouldn't be shouting at another adult, it's an ineffective way to communicate, especially with teens.

We have the rule, even when my 30 year old visits, that phone/laptop etc is used only with headphones.

The clashes the OP are having always seems very heated, she needs to diffuse these.

Birdsgottafly · 11/01/2016 10:36

I don't insist on communal meals, either, haven't done since mine turned 14.

TheSecondViola · 11/01/2016 10:37

Didn't you RTFT?
OP says He wants to be the hero/fun one to the ones who don't live with us full time (both adults now, 18&21). Frustrating, but understandable. Just makes life unbearable when they're all round

=disney dadding.

MeridianB · 11/01/2016 10:39

You have a DH problem more than a DSS problem.

I would just detatch. If he doesn't text then he takes his chances and the house is locked when you go to bed.

Does he join you for family meals when he is in? I agree with others, if he is told what time lunch/dinner is and fails to show then press on without him.

I would not be inclined to lend him anything or drive him anywhere. Let DH do it.

Inertia · 11/01/2016 10:51

An 18 year old getting his own way by stamping his feet! I don't know how you didn't just laugh at him.

YANBU. At 18 he can organise his own lifts, or ask nicely, or ask his father (why is it you doing the lifts if it's your husband who insists on pandering?). He can organise his own laptop as well.

grannytomine · 11/01/2016 12:21

Does he text you when he is at uni? I think once they are living as an adult elsewhere you can't expect them to be kids when they are home. I wouldn't have expected mine to do that. What are you going to do if he doesn't text? Phone the police, stay awake all night worrying? Just accept he is capable of looking after himself at uni and so can do the same where you live.

Meals, don't disrupt everyone else if he's home he can eat if not he has left overs. No hassle.

Then make the rules that matter, no noise once everyone else is in bed, lifts when it suits both of you but not on demand.

I always found treating other adults with a bit of respect was a good way to get them to behave with respect.

It isn't just your house, you and your husband need to agree on reasonable house rules and stick to them.

It's not easy being a step parent but it isn't easy being a step child either, I was one and my step father was very different to my father, he moved into our house and in my eyes he tried to take over, probably seemed different to him. I was more likely to be awkward about things if he started shouting at me, not his place.

5Foot5 · 11/01/2016 13:38

You mention a 21 yo stepson. How do you get on with him? Is he a more reasonable adult? If so, would he maybe have a word with his younger brother seeing as your DH is obviously going to be useless in that respect.

amarmai · 11/01/2016 13:41

not sure about the house ownership, but it def makes a difference. OP this young man does not choose his m's home as he gets off with so much more at his f's. I wd not be doing anything for him and if it's your house i wd not let his f or his s live there to give this bad example to the 7 yr old - who will be taking note of all of it. Stop giving in to this teenage bully and his wimp of a father.

Tink06 · 11/01/2016 23:26

I completely agree with the texting. Its took a long time but ds was the best he has been these holidays (second year of uni).
Yes he is an adult but when he is living here its common courtesy just to txt and say he won't be home (don't need full details). I have said to him loads of times that if we dont know where he is at what point to we worry about him?
I also expect him to loosely abide by house rules - no eating meals in your room, definitely no drugs and keep noise down, especially in the evenings. Also expect pots in dishwasher n stuff put away in kitchen whoever has been in. Do not want to walk into a student house after work.
I have chilled out over meals though and stocked up the freezer and bought tons of bread ( have never known anyone eat as many toasties ). I do ask him but mostly he cooks his own.
I am totally with you op. Part of growing up should be about showing respect at home and learning that you have to live by other peoples rules sometimes. Even when you are on holiday.

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