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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take the kids to family meal

67 replies

supermariossister · 10/01/2016 21:16

Family meal to celebrate occasion but not one they will be particularly interested In, place has a play area and other kids are going but our dc too old for the play area but will get very bored with the sit down conversation. Feel a but guilty that their cousins will be going but can see it being a night of complaining from ds and ss and sd. Wibu to go with dp and them not come. Struggling with anxiety at the moment and worry that dps family will think im awful.

OP posts:
SoWhite · 10/01/2016 22:01

I think you should take them, without tablets, and get them bloody used to how to behave in company.

MoMoTy · 10/01/2016 22:01

I'm sure they will be fine once they get there op, and mingle with their cousins. That's how they will learn. I think the cards is a good idea as it's still a sociable game they can play with the cousins.

itsmine · 10/01/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 10/01/2016 22:03

Err I think they are old enough to go and eat and chat etc and not need tablets.

We only see some family members every three Ish months and part of seeing them when they visit for a weekend etc is that we go out for a meal. We tend to go somewhere child friendly like pizza express or a pub with a garden if weather is good but the idea that we wouldn't take the kids incase they got bored is just bizarre. Sorry but these social interactions are part of life, part of being a family my kids don't get to opt out of stuff like that.

MoMoTy · 10/01/2016 22:03

And I certainly wouldn't be explaining the set up and asking them to chooseHmm you are the parent and there will be a time when they can decide but not at this age.

Original poster
supermariossister · 10/01/2016 22:04

Yes I think we will all go, just over thinking. Still feel sometimes a bit on trial when the whole family is there especially with sc. Thanks for all opinions. They are not horrors unable to hold a conversation by any means, need to think less and do more!

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 10/01/2016 22:06

Social skills! Don't let kids take tablets to a family occasion like this. Ffs. Also, you're the adult - you decide where you're going and when. The kids don't decide. Dear me. If they must have something to keep them occupied, then travel scrabble, card etc - not iPads. They're more than old enough not to need them.

Original poster
supermariossister · 10/01/2016 22:15

Thanks cocktail they definitely wouldn't be getting the option was just my own thinking I really struggle with making decisions and different situations to my normal so it was nice to see the same response. I worry sometimes that i sort of pre empt things being difficult so theu are if that makes sense. They wontt be taking tablets and I'm hopeful we will have a good time.

OP posts:
Karoleann · 10/01/2016 22:17

I think they should go too. Just take some games......we often take things like pass the pigs, uno or yahzee with us for meals. If its a long one we take iPads too, although DCs only get them if they're well behaved for the first part of the meal.

mumeeee · 10/01/2016 22:18

Take them you actually might find they enjoy it anyway. The 8 year old might be able to play in the play area.

Original poster
supermariossister · 10/01/2016 22:19

He would be thrilled if he could mummee he's a tall lad and often can't get in.

OP posts:
Morganly · 10/01/2016 22:20

I love chatting with my nieces and nephews at family meals out. They are so funny and lively and interesting and refreshingly different from the adults. Their grandparents also really enjoy their company. If anyone in the party can't make allowances for normal child/adolescent behaviour, then that is their problem.

Are you worried about competitive parenting? Are there people in the family who are judgy?

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2016 22:20

Well I would have just asked them at that age if they wanted to come or not. Blush Are the people getting engaged people the children know well?

Original poster
supermariossister · 10/01/2016 22:25

They know them but I wouldn't say well and don't see them really other than special occasions but all the more chance to get to know them better.

Yes there is a bit, I love them all very much but am a relatively shy and hate to be on the spot person whereas they really are totally the opposite. I am trying to change the way I feel in these situations so small steps

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/01/2016 22:35

I'd go - with them - but either let them get down and play with their younger cousins, or slink off from adult company at some point, or stay at table with tablets after main course. That sort of thing.
Go, but don't sweat it once you're there
Nice to get together with cousins for your DC?

Morganly · 10/01/2016 22:37

Being shy and not wanting to be the centre of attention is just your personality and is not a fault. I am the same. Your in laws may be the opposite but that doesn't mean they are right and you are wrong. If they are good people, they should make the effort to include you and ensure you are comfortable and enjoying yourself but not by putting you on the spot or expecting you to "perform" in front of the whole group.

Also don't forget, that the children are not solely your responsibility. In fact, if two of them are your step children, they are more your husband's responsibility than yours. Don't look after the children while he enjoys himself with the adults.

nooka · 11/01/2016 08:46

Well the plus point if you are shy is that you can always talk to your children :) Or if they are sociable let them do the talking for you.

Take a few bits and bobs that they can play with their cousins just in case and try not to worry too much. I'm sure it will be fine :)

Bunbaker · 11/01/2016 08:57

"I'd go - with them - but either let them get down and play with their younger cousins, or slink off from adult company at some point, or stay at table with tablets after main course. That sort of thing."

I would do the same.

scarlets · 11/01/2016 09:05

Your 13 year old is old enough to sit and make polite chitchat with/listen to people who don't ordinarily interest them - this is part of growing older and a necessary life skill to learn imo.

Your 11 year old can supervise the toddlers in the play area and the 8 year old can help him/her. I would avoid taking tablets for them if possible (the older two, certainly, should be able to manage without for a couple of hours). Maybe a set of "pairs" or top trumps for between courses so that the smaller ones can join in too? iPads are pretty antisocial.

Have a great time.

MrsJayy · 11/01/2016 09:30

It will probably take some pressure off you if you are not comfy with the family you can busy yourself chatting to a child iyswim.

gleegeek · 11/01/2016 10:05

I'd take colouring books/word search books/cards etc. Your dc need to spend time with the family and work out their place in it. Are your dc nervous like you? The 13 year old should then be able to sympathise with you and you could 'look after' each other. If not they'll enjoy seeing their cousins and the rest of their family.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 11/01/2016 10:11

I think taking tablets or letting them play on their phone in public is awful and hate seeing this. They do need more experience of eating out if they're going to find it boring. Although I know not everyone can afford to do this regularly.

My dss are teenagers now and wouldn't dream of taking out their phones at a meal. They are shocked when adult son in law does this. He's never off his phone. He didn't even look up to see dgs open his Christmas presents. Sorry, off on a tangent, it's a bug bear of mine.

I hope you have a great time and enjoy yourselves. Anxiety is the pits so I hope this helps you relax. Dcs will be fine.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 10:12

Would people really be happy with tablets at the table? Shock

MLGs · 11/01/2016 10:15

At eight and eleven I think they should be able to sit and chat.

Also, can they (and the teenagers) be give a role of playing with the little ones so the parents can stay sitting? Gives them something to do.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 11/01/2016 10:15

Apparently some would BR? It's awful and the reason why so many dcs are antisocial imo.

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