I am trying to improve my relationship with my MIL but I find it very hard when she says stuff like this, AIBU?

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

I overheard my MIL say the following to my DD yesterday, she is 3.
MIL: do you want to come and stay at my house?
DD: no my house
MIL: why? Don't you love me?
This exchange was then repeated with DD looking increasingly anxious.
At this point I intervened & asked MIL to stop.
Is this normal? It doesn't feel OK to me. Am I over-reacting?

Mil's do get a bashing on here, and it's well deserved if they come out with crap like that. I'm old by the way. Being old doesn't give me the right to manipulate small children into feeling uncomfortable.

I think the MIL was unreasonable. She really shouldn't have said that repeatedly to a small child, it isn't very kind or responsible. The OP says her DD was obviously anxious, yet her GM didn't pick up on it and kept pushing. In the OP's position I would have asked MIL to stop and had a quiet word afterwards about it. It's not acceptable.

That said, perhaps MIL had a "moment of madness", she'll realise that this wasn't fair to her DGD and never repeat it. We all have moments we regret, MIL and DIL alike. And yes, some tolerance all round is needed sometimes- as well as recognition of when you've got it wrong, like the MIL in this case has.

Nana
I don't think this incident, in and of itself, is a major issue but if the relationship between MIL/DIL is fragile MIL acting like this isn't going to help.

I agree that the child will not be scarred for life over this one incident. However, if MIL's behaviour is consistently in the same vein it is not on and I would be communicating that to MIL. If MIL was acting this way frequently I am afraid there would be no sleepovers until I was the issue was resolved. I don't think that is "MIL-bashing".

presumably, MIL does love her grandchild. Why can't that be the default assumption rather than a power-struggle diagnosis?

I don't think I diagnosed anything, or mentioned a power struggle. An adult has more power than a young child does in any situation or interaction, and to try to guilt or pressure a young child to agree to something they have already said no to and clearly are not comfortable about is surely not something you think is ok? A young child doesn't have the social skills, language or equal power in the dynamic to say 'I said no once, please stop asking now, you're making me uncomfortable'.

Does loving someone make it ok to pressure and guilt them then? The child clearly wasn't enjoying this exchange but should be taught that grandma loves her and means well so that's all right?

Could not have put it better rumble - you are spot on.

It's a lack of context imho that leads to the MIL bashing. ie if you know your MIL quite well and know that she is generally well-meaning and kind towards her DGC then a few faux pas or unwise things said can be overlooked.

But if you have no positive context and are looking for negativity in whatever form, well have a ball because you will find it.

I too hate to read the perennial mn no contact advice. Unless there's abuse or neglect then family members should not be treated like they are disposable assets to be got rid if they are not useful or judged and found wanting.

"I'm really not surprised at the number of MIL problems that are posted about. If I spoke to my MIL (or my mum) the way that some do, I'd be given a flea in my ear and would deserve it. Some of the complainants seem really disrespectful and the losers are ultimately the children."

My wife's MIL, (my mother) is very difficult. The biggest loser from this is me.

We are now NC.

No one has even mentioned non contact or anything even vaguely approaching non contact?

We'll have to agree to disagree then. I see an awful lot of DILs complaining about what seem quite minor things to me and when I think back to how they would be handled when I was a child, I don't think I would have been given the latitude to be quite so discerning about contact.

I accept that it's mostly DILs who have problems who post them here, which is understandable. The rest of the DILs who do not, don't post. I'm fortunate with my MIL but certainly wouldn't dream of being as dismissive and child-possessive as some seem to be. Children do take their cue from parents and however the parent behaves or presents, the children will parrot it.

Maybe take a step back. Maybe she was wanting DD to stay with her like most grandparents do. Just got a bit intense.

You need to do what you feel is right

My DC have never stayed with their Grandparents, they only had one set and they were too old/couldn't have coped. I wouldn't have wanted them too either as MIL had mental health issues and certainly couldn't have coped with my lively mischievous DC. The DC struggled to cope with an afternoon with their Grandparents. That was a pity, but hasn't destroyed any relationship with them or harmed my children.

What this MIL said was unacceptable, and someone should talk to her about it. If no-one is going to, then there is a real problem.
Yes an interruption saying something like "Of course you don't have to stay at Grandma's if you don't want to" and then some distracting comment, might help. But as it was overheard, you may well need to monitor conversations with Grandma more carefully.

And 40+ years ago my own Aunts (by marriage) put up with a lot from my Grandma. And she really was a nightmare MIL (and not a great Mum to her Daughters either).

witch how is that relevant or helpful to the OP?

She has not mentioned anything at all about potentially reducing contact and no one on the thread has suggested it to the OP.

Is it really dismissive and child possessive to ask anyone to please not pressure a young child to do something they don't want to do because they love you? Is this to you an ok thing to do with a young child you love?

If you feel the child is parroting behaviour from a negative mum does that mean you see the child's opinion of 'no I don't want to do that' as learned bad behaviour? Do you feel the child shouldn't be allowed to say no?

Dear god - there's advice to "monitor" conversations now, which of course means supervised contact only!! And "someone should talk to her about it" I could see that one coming! The usual advice is for the DH/DP to "grow a pair" and put his mother in her place. There is mention of pressuring a young child - FFS - she said it a couple of times and I'm sure the child forgot it in a couple of seconds and any rational DIL would have done the same.

Lyingwitch you make an interesting point about DILs posting on here. I have always assumed that the vast majority of DILs who pile in to support the OP are those that don't get on with their MILs (but I could be wrong) but there's something about the way they are so adamant and prescriptive about what the DIL/DH/DP should say that makes me think there is a lot of projection going on. They often tell the OP exactly what to say and do.

This is a massive over reaction to a silly comment. I wonder if these DILs realise it is a 2 way street and I hear lots of DIL stories from my friends. I am fortunate wit my DILs but then they are fortunate with me
But some of the horrific things I hear about some DILs is quite shocking. And it's always the DIL/MIL issue - we don't hear anything about DH/DPs and their MIL but that's maybe because they don't post on MN.

NanaNina - what is your problem with DILs?
Yes if someone put emotional abuse on my children - which is what "don't you love me" conversations are, then I would make sure I was around to overhear what was being said.

And yes anyone who tried that kind of emotional manipulation on my DC I or DH "would have a word with".

What exactly do you suggest?

And I'm pleased you are not my MIL!

Goodness you're aggressive, mummytime, there's no problem with NanaNina and DILs that I can see. Perhaps it's just different perspectives.

In my world, there are some things a child must have autonomy over, ie. touching (outside medical and safety intervention) and kissing. They can have an opinion about everything else under the sun but they don't get to decide where they will be and what they will do - at all times. An example of that would be the thread about the meal out for an engagement. Most posters said the children must get on with it (I agree) but some said that the children shouldn't have to if they don't want to... I think that's very weak and all it leads to is dissension in a family whereby other family members are less disposed to making concessions for children who 'can't be bothered, because their parents can't.

The language used about MILs here is really quite inflammatory and, if used in the real world (which I don't believe as so many have such a problem with even polite confrontation), it's needlessly rude and the same point can be made - to the same end - with a much kinder tone.

Suggesting that you will "Have a word with" MIL can either be something like, "Oi, MIL, daughter doesn't want to see you and I'm not going to force her to love you if she doesn't and you're not to make her say it...." all the way through to "MIL, she does love you, you know that really, she's just saying that she wants to stay at home today/tonight. I know that she loves doing baking/drawing/painting/reading with you so how about I bring her on x-day for you to do that? Or maybe come and visit us and have lunch/dinner?"

There are ways of treating family members. Some are better than others. I'm not saying that there aren't toxic MILs out there but would say that there are probably as many toxic DILs to that number.

On the 'emotional manipulating' point I'll just say to you that as a teen, I used to accuse my mum of manipulating me (into desired behaviour) - and she was right. I expect I upset her with that comment though and I expect your child will upset you and make you question your parenting at some point.

We all parent differently; some parents absolutely cock it up for their poor children when parenting is hard enough as it is anyway without the aggro. I want my children to be loved within the family, not ignored because of my peculiar antics so I try to keep them to battles I really do need to win. We're all different.

OP, you are right to be sensitive about this remark to your dd. This is nothing to do with MIL bashing.

If your MIL is normally kind and attentive, and this was a one-off jokey comment, which ceased when your MIL spotted your dd looking anxious, then of course no problem.

It doesn't sound as if this is the case.

If you can talk to your MIL about this, kindly and tactfully, and share your concerns, then again no problem.

It doesn't sound as if that's the case, either.

Why would a grandma feel ok about her granddaughter being even a little anxious? Even momentarily? Of course everyone makes mistakes and says the wrong thing from time to time. It's how it's dealt with that matters.

In a normal family - I would have a quiet word - which would mean: when the DC wasn't around, gently pointing out something like "Mum it sounded a bit off when you kept asking DD if she wanted a sleep over, and asking if she loved you. You know she loves you she's just a bit nervous."

That is "having a word with someone".

I do find the Gran mothers who come on any thread with MIL in the title, and straight off assume it is "MIL bashing" and that without even reading the OP carefully that it is "another case of DIL's on MN complaining about perfectly reasonable behaviour".

Some families are great! Some MIL's bend over backward to not be "interfering".
But I do find it unlikely that the MILs who jump onto threads to criticise without reading much, are going to be those paragons of virtue. Well at least if you have to be so careful about not using "trigger words" like MIL in real life.

Do you know more than has been posted in the OP? It's a snapshot, one event with limited information yet there are all these extrapolations being made. How is that any help?

I'm not a MIL but I find your posts referencing MILs very, very rude and dismissive. It could as easily be said there are lots of 'possessive and arrogant mummies' popping onto every MIL thread, couldn't it? Yet nobody says that because it's rude and probably wrong.

We're all trying to parent as best we can but if you post the way you do, mummytime, you'll be dismissed as somebody who makes sweeping and illogical statements.

There are some posters I wouldn't want anywhere near my family, not in any capacity, and others that I would welcome with open arms. Trouble-makers need not apply!

This thread is (was) about one poster’s specific personal situation. I’m not sure why it’s being derailed for personal pro MiL/anti DiL crusades with guilt-inducing comments based on all MN MiL threads in general that have no relation to the OP and are aimed to shut down any actual discussion of the OP’s situation. The OP appears to have fled and I don’t blame her.

OP, I’m sorry your request for support has been hijacked. I would suggest re posting in relationships and perhaps the time is coming where posters need to considering avoiding using the phrase ‘MiL’ in thread titles.

That said, the first bit of your post sounds exactly what I would say, it's perfectly polite and not liable to cause any offence to any gran/MIL.

I have a thread on here currently about my own IL's and don't think I'm a MIL basher at all. I bash everyone equally

Thought I'd chip in with this:

I had an ex-boyfriend once who's mother tried the 'don't you love me?' guilt trip when he told her she couldn't watch a DVD with us. IN BED. We were mid-twenties. I was horrified she actually asked.

She was pouting and using a baby voice and no, she was not joking.

ExBF had to reason with her before she agreed to leave us alone.

It was her go-to way of getting whatever she wanted out of her son and she had no shame in it whatsoever - he was completely and utterly wrapped round her little finger and still is, despite being in his thirties.

Just saying, there are harmless little slips of the tongue that we all regret instantly and then there are age old phrases which are guaranteed to put people on the back foot and get you what you want...

Oh heavens, Flo... that's several hundred steps too far... far, far, TOO far!

This is why he's your 'ex', yes? Wise woman you are!

Flo My mate's XMIL stood outside their bedroom door, when they were in their thirties and married and trying to shag , whining "Do you love me Steve, tell mummy you love her Stevie. You do love mummy don't you darling?" She wasn't joking.

... I'm going to gaffer tape my mouth shut and finish off with industrial staples, I think, because this sounds like a 'thing'... I must NEVER do it!

It was horrendous - it was that day, when he didn't burst out laughing, clap his mother on the back and say "oh good one mum, you and your bad jokes" but actually took her request seriously and attempt to reason with her and then assure her he would make it up to her that I finally began to see what a nightmare I was getting myself into... I could not have been more disturbed if he'd pulled back the duvet and told her to hop in...

Oh and mintoil who does that? I think that may be worse...