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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider reporting a close friend?

50 replies

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 18:41

My close friend bravely left an abusive relationship nine months ago. She reported the abuse to the authorities after she left and got legal aid as a result. The previous home situation was awful. Cafcass, health visitor and doctor are all aware.

I have found out that she is seeing the abuser again. I've tried to talk to her but she will not listen. She thinks she can change him or change herself to stop herself from 'winding him up'

They aren't living back together yet but she is considering it and I do not know what the hell to do :(

I know I will turn her life upside down if I do and I really don't want to but I want to keep her safe even if she hates me for it and surely doing it now she will be warned that action might be taken if she moves him back in rather than it being too late when he is already back :(

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 10/01/2016 18:43

Are there children involved?

MammaTJ · 10/01/2016 18:44

Such a tricky situation for you but she needs protecting and so do her DC. Imagine if you didn't report, he moved in and the worst happened?

SweetieDrops · 10/01/2016 18:44

Does she have children in the home? If so I'd contact social services.

Chattymummyhere · 10/01/2016 18:44

If she has children I would report it, I wouldn't openly say I did it but children come first. If it's just her I would let her get on with it.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 18:45

You must. She has a choice. Those children do not

Waltermittythesequel · 10/01/2016 18:46

If she has dc then yes, I think you should if only so that people can keep an eye on things.

If it's just her then I don't think you can do anything other than support her when it goes pear shaped.

StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 18:46

She must have children if cafcass and HV involved. Report

Arfarfanarf · 10/01/2016 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 18:47

Not to mention I don't think there is anyone who can 'stop' a woman going back to her abuser so "report " makes no sense unless she has dc

Original poster
fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 18:49

Sorry yes there are three dc involved. Two very small.

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 10/01/2016 18:50

Talk to her first. If she wont see sense then, yes, do it.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 18:50

You KNOW what you MUST do

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2016 18:50

Report her to which authority and what action will she be warned might be taken?

ohdearlord · 10/01/2016 18:52

I was a child where people looked the other way. Please. Ring.

Sunnybitch · 10/01/2016 18:53

Report it! Better her life turned upside down than one of those kiddies ending up with a broken arm or worse.

3littlebadgers · 10/01/2016 18:53

Gosh for a moment I thought you were talking about a friend of mine, untill you mentioned three children. I'm watching this thread with interest.

katiekid · 10/01/2016 18:55

you talk to her first and you be firm, since you know she will know its you just tell her you will report her as its not fair on the kids
if all else fails report her

JennyOnAPlate · 10/01/2016 18:55

Yes I would report it. Without a doubt.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/01/2016 18:56

If there are children then yes, you must. She isn't thinking straight.

MizK · 10/01/2016 18:56

Yes do report. Doing so makes you a good friend- you are brave enough to risk falling out in order to protect her and her children.

I fucking hate the fact that men like this seem able to weasel their way back in time and time again 😐

PrimeDirective · 10/01/2016 19:00

Why don't you tell her that if SS find out she is at risk of losing her children, regardless of whether he has changed. They will decide based on risk from previous behaviour.
That might discourage her from seeing him.

seasidesally · 10/01/2016 19:02

report for the kids sake

she will have to choose,hopefully she makes the right choice

NameChanger22 · 10/01/2016 19:06

I don't think she will loose her children will she?

Someone I know moved her abusive partner back in with her, he had been hitting her and shouting abuse in front of the child. Social services knew about it because she'd phone them. They're still together and the child is still with them.

Also when father's who are abusive (including violent rape) split up with their partners the courts usually award them 50:50 custody, or at least unsupervised overnight access.

I would still report it though.

NorthernLurker · 10/01/2016 19:12

You are right to take action. You have a duty to protect the kids and they've probably already seen too much. Report it, you can ring the duty social worker to start.

Original poster
fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:13

Same situation badgers?
Ok oh crap.
She's never going to speak to me again and I'm worried she will somehow work her way out of any involvement as she is already making excuses for him and saying she over reacted or over played what he did and then I wont be there to keep an eye on the kids.

I've talked her out of it once. This time she isn't listening. Above all she is scared of being alone.

I know she is hiding it from her brother and parents because she knows what their reaction will be. I considered trying to get in touch with them to tell them but I don't know how to.

OP posts: