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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider reporting a close friend?

50 replies

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 18:41

My close friend bravely left an abusive relationship nine months ago. She reported the abuse to the authorities after she left and got legal aid as a result. The previous home situation was awful. Cafcass, health visitor and doctor are all aware.

I have found out that she is seeing the abuser again. I've tried to talk to her but she will not listen. She thinks she can change him or change herself to stop herself from 'winding him up'

They aren't living back together yet but she is considering it and I do not know what the hell to do :(

I know I will turn her life upside down if I do and I really don't want to but I want to keep her safe even if she hates me for it and surely doing it now she will be warned that action might be taken if she moves him back in rather than it being too late when he is already back :(

OP posts:

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:16

I have prime directive. That is how I talked her out of it last time.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2016 19:16

I don't think she will loose her children will she?

It is a potential risk

Also when father's who are abusive (including violent rape) split up with their partners the courts usually award them 50:50 custody, or at least unsupervised overnight access

What a load of bollocks, are you fucking crazy spreading misinformation like this!

To start with 50/50 in the UK is still not the norm, and the courts look at the situation of each family individually some violent fathers end up with unsupervised contact of some description but many don't.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 19:17

You can do it anomously via NSPCC. U don't even have to give your name. I would try this way as I would be looking at you as a protective factor for the children.

Trust me, I am a social worker and would want to know in order for children to be protected. People under estimate the emotional impact Domestic violence has on children, even very young children

AGirlCalledJohnny · 10/01/2016 19:17

I would find a way to get in touch with her family first - are they on Facebook? She's bound to be friends with them herself and you can direct message people even without being their friend. If that doesn't pan out, I think you are going to have to warn her that if she persists you will involve social services. Could you live with yourself if the worst happened and you hadn't? I couldn't. I do really, really feel for you though fit

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 19:18

Thank you needssAsockamnesty, was shocked by their comments. They are spouting so much crap!

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 19:21

Do Not make attempts via Facebook etc. this is time wasting. Report via NSPCC and let the professionals do their work to protect

Ayaanfb · 10/01/2016 19:22

Report it.
I worked in social services for years and it always amazed me how the women picked men over the kids. But that's what abuse and control are. Don't have any regrets report it anonomously.

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:22

She is friends with one of them on Facebook but their profile security is locked down so cannot add them. I can try messaging but I'm guessing it would go to the others box.

Might try that and then NSPCC if I get no response.

OP posts:

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 19:25

No, fitforfighting please report tonight. If something happens to her or children you would never forgive yourself.

you asked for advice as I am giving it to you as a trained professional.

You MUST act now

Viviennemary · 10/01/2016 19:26

If children are at risk then of course you must report it. Otherwise I don't think there is much anybody can do as your friend is an adult. I wouldn't be having anything to do with her in this situation I'm afraid. It would just anger me too much. Going back for the same punishment. Why just why.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 10/01/2016 19:26

I agree Ayannfb the control they can have is unbelievable

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/01/2016 19:35

Ynbu. You would not be a true friend if you didn't have hers and her children's best interests at heart.
I think personally she's being very unfair not only to her children but to other family members and indeed to you all who must be worried sick about her, and to subject her dcs to witness further abuse. Infsct no it goes further that not being fair it looks like selfish behavior to me.

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:35

At this point in time the kids are safe. She has been seeing him while they are in nursery and school to avoid her family finding out. Will ring NSPCC. At this point I am guessing it is early enough for her to be told if she goes back action will be taken. She thinks he has changed but I remember my own ex would have said anything to get us back.

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 10/01/2016 19:35

If she won't listen, and you've warned her she could lose them if she involves him in their lives again, do you have any choice? Awful situation, I'm so sorry. But this is their one shot at a childhood. There's no rewind button for that.

frenchie12 · 10/01/2016 19:36

You need to report. A family member stayed with her abuser saying he had changed and the abuser has just been given almost a life sentence for sex abuse on one of the children.

LongHardStare · 10/01/2016 19:37

Your instinct is to try and keep her and DC safe by reporting - do it.

You've already tried to talking to her, you know that won't work.

kitsnicket · 10/01/2016 19:39

OP, I'm going to largely echo the others: you know what you need to do.

But, reading your OP, I am conflicted about whether you should do it now. She obviously is in a very difficult period as far as leaving her abusive partner goes. Of course, your first priority is to protect her kids (as hers bloody should be, too). It makes my blood boil that she would seriously consider letting her kids back into that. But my worry here is that calling SS is really your main card. If nothing is official yet, there's still the faint hope you can talk her out of it once again...but there's my more worrying concern that she's hiding it from everybody else. Are you the only one who knows? I just worry that she could elude SS about them actually being back together, and then cut you off - (it seems) the only friend she has who she can talk to, if you're the person who talked her out of it before, even though she's currently misusing you by expecting to be any kind of confidante for this information -thus leaving her and her kids in an even more vulnerable position. But, this is probably just fantasy.

You are absolutely not wrong for wanting Social Services to know about this. They should.

LittleMissGeneric · 10/01/2016 19:40

OP I know this is a very difficult situation, and you are worried about your friend not forgiving you, but you are doing it for the right reasons, first and foremost to protect the children, and also you are doing it for your friends benefit.

I understand why it's difficult, I really do, but please protect these children.

And well done for stepping up, it takes guts.

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:43

'just worry that she could elude SS about them actually being back together'

That is exactly my worry!
I don't know who else if anyone she has told. Definitely not two other mutual friends and definitely not family, her family would go nuclear.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 10/01/2016 19:43

Please, please report to all and sundry.

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:46

I'm not so much worried as her not forgiving me as what kits said. I'm worried she will persuade ss that they aren't together or she's over egged it all and then no one will be there to watch over the kids.

OP posts:

notenoughbottle · 10/01/2016 19:46

You need to report this in order to help her and especially her children. She sounds brainwashed and deluded to the point that she doesn't seem capable of making a sensible decision about keeping this man out of her life.

She may be at risk of bring in trouble herself if any of her children came to any harm at all especially if she has allowed the situation to return.

Have women's aid been involved?

Original poster

fitforflighting · 10/01/2016 19:48

She has had help from WA.
Ok I'm going to talk to NSPCC.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 10/01/2016 19:54

I would ring SS straightaway. Those children are in danger.

Gobletofgin · 10/01/2016 21:48

To be fair they are probably not in danger right now if she sees him when they are at school. If you phoned ss now you would go to a duty team who would only go out to an emergency, for example children whose parents are drunk or on drugs or hospitalised, they would probably just tell you to phone in the morning (which you should definately do)

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