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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get a cleaner

30 replies

buildingafootieteam · 10/01/2016 16:08

Background, 3 boys under 4 y/o and I'm constantly on the road. Am suffering depression/anxiety (relevant). House is a disaster zone. To the point whee we don't let people call to see the kids we meet places or call to them. All I can manages is a basic clean up and toy pick up on a daily basis. I'm drowning at the moment and could really do with a dig out. Dh tries to help but for example if he does the dishes I have to was half of them after him again. He point blank refuses to get a cleaner in but I'm just at the point where I'm getting so upset at the state of the house and I need help. Now I would happily get the cleaner and tell him my money can spend how I like but I'm on unpaid leave from work (ds3 is 6 months). I'm contemplating just getting the cleaner anyway, even though dh money and he's against it. WIBU?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 16:09

Why do you have to re wash dishes.
why does your dh not want a cleaner?

MamaLazarou · 10/01/2016 16:10

YANBU, it sounds like you need some help!

BishopBrennansArse · 10/01/2016 16:12

Just do it.
I have 3 kids with SEND and rheumatoid arthritis myself.
We can't really afford it but the help it is to both me and DH (as he's had to pick up my share of heavy physical stuff when I'm unwell) is invaluable and has improved my mental health.

Your DH can just suck it up if he's going to be a manchild - not washing up properly to force you to do it? Is there any point him being around? Are you sure you'd not feel better without him?

gamingmum · 10/01/2016 16:13

If you are on unpaid leave that does not mean you go without, you staying home is allowing him to go out to work and not have to pay for childcare. If you can afford it get the cleaner. You will be happier for it and if he brings up issues about it being his money promptly send him an itemised invoice for childcare and any time you can spend cleaning no matter how small.

A good source of trying to make ongoing cleaning more manageable - hailed by many depression sufferers, look up something called unfuck my habitat. Goes on manageable small bits and has some good tips and ideas.

RealityCheque · 10/01/2016 16:26

How are you constantly on the road if you're on unpaid leave?

ManneryTowers · 10/01/2016 16:33

A cleaner may help, but they are usually most cost efficient when they are cleaning and not spending their time tidying up or clearing surfaces so they can clean.

Can you declutter one room at a time and then invest in a cleaner?

Also, why on earth are you rewashing dishes? Is he that lazy?

It isn't 'his' money, it's family money. How would he earn a wage if you didn't take responsibility for childcare?

Also at 3/4 years old your children should be picking up toys, straightening beds and putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket daily as a minimum.

I appreciate its probably you that the house bothers the most, but they all live their too!

Don't be a mummy martyr and don't let DH get away with thinking his household responsibility ends at bringing in a salary.

Original poster
buildingafootieteam · 10/01/2016 16:35

Reality I can break down my days for you but basically 1 child in montessori 1 child goes to part time creche, constantly having to stock up food (who knew boys ate so much at this age!!!) Etc etc.

stealth he does try but there would be food left on the dishes or he wouldn't use enough washing up liquid so they'd be greasy. Dh believes we should do things ourselves (also relates to diy) because that's the way his parents did it. What he forgets is that he grew up in little town land where everyone helped put with things (still do) and where there was also help with childcare for mil in the form of older cousins/neighbours

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 10/01/2016 16:36

YANBU loads of people with far less to do have s cleaner - if you can afford it go for it - it can be a lifesaver.

Original poster
buildingafootieteam · 10/01/2016 16:37

Sorry mannery just saw your post. It's not lazy I'd call it man. He was very babied by mil and genuinely didn't wash a dish until I met him. He has stepped up just doesn't take care in it. The house is just covered with stuff and that bothers me so much too. We have no storage for anything. I'm tempted to just throw it all out

OP posts:
Original poster
buildingafootieteam · 10/01/2016 16:39

Thanks to others who replied too. I'll look up that website toogaming.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 10/01/2016 16:40

Ditch the crèche and do the shopping online. Even with teens I don't need to shop that often.

I'm with your DH re the cleaner. I'd hate anybody unknown in my house and if he was home off work I'd expect him to do the basics.

BishopBrennansArse · 10/01/2016 16:41

Being in possession of a penis does not make you incompetent at domestic chores.

That bodging chores so you won't get asked again is something my 11 year old would try - that is until I made him do it again until it was done properly and not 'rescue' the situation myself. He's starting to realise that doing it properly the first time ultimately saves time.

OllyBJolly · 10/01/2016 16:42

Do it. I had a cleaner when my kids were young and the difference it made to my life was immense. She did two hours twice a week. It made keeping on top of things so much easier. I should also say I really struck lucky - she was fabulous.

I agree with Mannery . You have to tidy up first so that the cleaner can clean. She won't know where things go etc so would likely just collect things lying about into a pile which you have to sort anyway. (mine would put everything on top of the hob which meant I had to prioritise putting it away before we could have dinner! Annoying but it worked!)

Enlist the kids in decluttering and tidying. Find an easy system such as individual stackable crates in which they put their own stuff.

Hopefully DH will appreciate the difference -for the house and you - and agree it's money well spent.

redexpat · 10/01/2016 16:43

Re the stuff. Read marie kondo the life changing magic of tidying.

ManneryTowers · 10/01/2016 16:45

My DH is a man; he knows how to wash dishes! Please don't make excuses for him. And please don't bring up three more boys who can't wash a dish!
Personally I think throwing it all out is a fantastic, fantastic idea! It is extremely cleansing emotionally and psychologically and you will have SO much less brain clutter and physical clutter to deal with.
Lack of storage is hellish and makes cleaning so much more difficult that it needs to be.
Can you take even half an hour a day (even 15 minutes?) and just take a hin bag and start chucking in it anything you don't love or hasn't been used for the past year? Charity shop any better stuff but otherwise chuck the rest. Then think about cleaning. If you've lived in a mess this far then waiting a bit longer to clean it won't hurt.
I think a cleaner would be a waste of money until you can see the wood for the trees.
Also try the Housekeeping boards. They have some brilliant tips over there.
Good luck z

Marzipants · 10/01/2016 16:50

Consider contacting Home Start www.home-start.org.uk. I haven't used them (yet, with 3DC under 5 I am considering asking for help) but I've heard good things. They can help with practical support, with the kids or just moral support.

Maybe some one else on MN has used them?

redexpat · 10/01/2016 16:52

posted too soon. Less stuff will def make you feel more in control. Also get the kids into the habit of putting their toys away before bed.

Marzipants · 10/01/2016 16:53

Oh, and if your DH is that bad at dishes he needs to fork out for a dishwasher and learn to load it.

SpecialStains · 10/01/2016 16:57

Please don't spout sexist nonsense like DH can't do dishes because he's bit 'man'.
Get a cleaner if you want one and can afford it. Sounds like your problems won't be solved until your relationship is more equal though.

Littlef00t · 10/01/2016 16:59

Could you look at storage and de clutter first? Perhaps you could rope a friend in and DH could look after the kids for a few hours on a weekend?

Stuff is only worth having if they enhance your life.

Akire · 10/01/2016 17:17

He can't have it both ways he didn't want pay for cleaner if it's something you (he means you!) can do yourself.
id it just principle or is it money? Personally I would go ahead get one for few hours a week at least till you have made a dent. If the two oldest are out you can tidy up as the cleaner cleans one room it will help you get motivated.

If it is just money you could probable take one or two mornings from crèche go out with them and use that money to pay for cleaner.

Living in a tip will not be helping your mood see it a medicine!

harshbuttrue1980 · 10/01/2016 17:40

I don't think its fair that you insist on a cleaner when you're not working - it would be hard for one earner to pay for their partner to stay at home and pay for a cleaner as well. Normally, when you're on unpaid maternity leave, luxuries have to be cut back on. When you go back to work, maybe getting a cleaner will be more affordable and also more necessary.

BishopBrennansArse · 10/01/2016 17:45

Harsh the OP is home for childcare. That's work just as much as her OH's.
Domestic chores should then be divided equally including simple age appropriate chores for the children ie making own beds, taking their own dishes to kitchen, keeping own room tidy.

amitha · 10/01/2016 17:45

Tell him you need a fairer split of housework and if he doesn't want to do any more get a cleaner. I love having a cleaner and it makes me keep on top of tidying and decluttering, plus makes me resent dh's crapness less.

Lweji · 10/01/2016 17:46

I'd put to him that either you get a cleaner or you go back to work and he becomes a sahf.

You could end up with a cleaner once a month or every other week just to keep on top of the main jobs.