Work friend telling me what a wonderful life XP and OW have and now I'm feeling shit

[CinnamonBunYou]

Apologies for this long, boring, woe is me rant but have no one to talk to and want to get it off my chest.

Split with XP three weeks before DD was born. He was having an affair and the whole break up was awful and him and his family got very nasty and I was the bad one, they said I had made this girl up (the girl he is still with) and it was my fault we broke up because I was depressed and I was neglecting him. After DD was born, I blocked all his family and friends and him from my Facebook because I didn't want them checking up on me and causing trouble and I also didn't want to know what he was up to with OW. I had a few 'friends' trying to shit stir and tell me stuff they had seen on his Facebook and it either ended up me being angry or upset. I told people I didn't want to know and not to tell me what he put about me or DD as it wasn't helpful and I wanted to get on with my life.

Two years later and I'm still not over what he did and the way him and his family treated me but I do see OW did me a favour taking the man shaped child from me and I try not to think about it. The one thing that gets to me is DD spending time with the OW, it really eats me up inside but when he has DD he is obviously going to have her around DD and there isn't anything I can do about it so I just lump it. I try not to care what he gets up to in his life or how he spends his time with DD as that is his time with her so I don't ask and don't look at his Facebook. Ignorance is how I cope.

Was talking to my work friend about his mum boasting to me how XP and OW have bought a house together. I was saying I don't understand why he can't see DD more if he has his own place and lives with OW and was wondering if OW has a problem with him seeing DD. He makes out DD is his reason for breathing and he is this doting father to anyone who will listen but blames his work for not seeing her. I know it's bullshit but he's so charming no one else sees through it. He sees her 3 hours a week and that's it. I ask him to have her more all the time and he either ignores me or makes excuses.

Anyway my work friend asked me if I ever look on his Facebook and I said no, I wasn't interested. Next day she comes in and tells me how she looked on his profile and told me a load of stuff I didn't want to know. How he had pics of him, OW and DD together playing happy families and how lovely there house was, their new cars and holidays abroad, posts about weddings etc and it's really upset me. I'm on my own struggling and I do all the hard parts and and I'm always skint. I don't get to go holidays or out with my friends and no one would ever be interested in me relationship wise (single mum with herpes - thanks to him) so I'm single and will be for the rest of my life.

Now I'm really down because it's made me realise how shit my life seems compared to theirs and how much better DD would be with them than me. They have a nicer house and can afford to take her everywhere and I live in a tiny crappy rented house that has damp and I have to go without everything to make sure DD has nice stuff. I work a shitty job that I hate to make sure I can provide for her. Made me wonder why I don't get to be happy but people like them do. I can fully see DD being ashamed of me as she gets older and thinking her dad is wonderful.

Aibu for feeling this way?

darling, you have the most precious treasure in the world that money can not buy, your dd. he is a complete and utter twonk for not wanting to spend more time with her. there will likely come a point when dd thinks he is the bees knees... possibly when she is a teenager but she will grow out of tha and know who it was that looked after her all the time.

how much time do you think they actually spend doing those things in the supposed photos which might not actuallly be that many/exist at all, in those measly 3 hours he has her?

how much time does she spend in that wonderful house? which it would seem he would rather have than support dd properly given you had to chase him for money.

and you are right, they are playing happy families... because it is not real. you are living and breathing happy family for dd.

Arent you forgetting something?

When your kid gets older she'll compare reality with what he posted on Farcebook...

YANBU.

It's also bollocks to think that OW is having a fab time with her " new family". Even with the most perfect arrangements (well mannered kids, amicable ex) she will always aware that there are other dynamics to consider.

Know that your child would always find their own way and know your ex wasn't the one.....but who knows who's next...

Plus you now know not to say anything to work friend she could be saying stuff to your ex and you wouldnt know.

Keep her out of your business and be Mary Poppins around her.Dont give her ,your ex or the ow another thought.You are worth so much more than that.

From what I've read, you're a lovely mum who had been put through the mill by everyone yet still bites her tongue and does what's best for her daughter. That's what your DD will grow up to see. Just because he's bounced back and moved on doesn't mean it's a wonderful relationship. You will be in a much better place one day for having taken the time to heal and recover.

I thought my xh and his ow were living a charmed life,especially after how he treated me.

Found out a few things recently to the point of actually feeling a bit of sympathy for ow......never in a million year thought I'd be saying that.

My dd knows the difference between my (monetary poor) household and their (comparatively) rich household. She prefers to be with me and often tells me do off her own bat - you are doing a great job, hang on in there x

That's patriarchy for you!

It's s what he's done to you.

But don't put yourself down.

You deserve to be loved. Do t discount another relationship.

You must be quite young yourself?

DH had a mother who struggled to keep them all going after divorce. His df used to turn up with car loads of gifts.
Guess who he loves? Yep :) His mum :)

I would be tempted to whisper, "how did the surgery go? For his micropenis..." But then I'm a bitch.

Poor OW cow. She has to live with him now. He's officially Not Your Problem any more.

You are her mum and no one can take that away. Worth more than all the rest of it. Plus, his new woman is 20? Apologies to all the mature and wise 20 yos out there but I bet she barely knows which way is up, and I also bet she will see the light about your not so wonderful ex in time. Meanwhile you'll be in a better place. Keep on keeping on.

op you are going to go up and down as we all do in life, but the main thing is you and your dd are better off without him in your home. Whenever i felt down being a single parent , i reminded myself what it was like when he lived with us. Presto! instant uplift! Plus what ever he has he will fuck up and his new wife will get what you got if not worse. Whereas you and your dd will build a solid life on good values and in the end will be far happier than him.I ignored as much as poss too and i refused to give info to anyone. See if you can figure out how to upgrade your job qualifications. It can make a big diff to your income. Oprah helped me too with her advice to write down everything big and small that you are grateful for. Stops your brain harping on the negative. You are doing a great job, op. Pat yourself on the back and live with no regrets.

So they have "stuff". Doesn't equal happiness. Concentrate on you. Are you getting tax credits and child support? Move rented places or put your foot down re the damp as legally its a health risk n has to be sorted. And there are other jobs. Material things are not how your child will measure her love for you.

OP I'm glad you're feeling a bit better hope this helps too...

I was in your position 12 years ago. I was wrongly given the impression they were living the life of Riley and were happy together. Facebook is as a pp said a total illusion and that's not only based on ex but several friends who I know are having a shit time for whatever reason but you'd never know from their fb. People only post the positive.

My dd is now 15. She has no respect for her dad and tons for me (not saying I necessarily deserve it but which mum thinks they do?). Her dad has messed about all that time over contact and maintenance and tried to portray his and ow life as perfect. I learned a few years ago its far from. He's had at least 3 affairs with her friends. He's no more a hands on dad with their kids than he was with dd its all left to her. He's also miserable but can't leave as the situation now is that she is supporting him and he can't afford to live alone let alone pay maintenance for more kids. His own mother is on the verge of disowning him. They're in debt up to their eyeballs (he was always shit with money).

Now my life isn't perfect but I'm not living with a cheating, spendthrift, lazy man child nor am I living with someone purely as I can't afford to leave. My daughter and I mostly have a good relationship (she's a teen its as good as it gets ) and as for fb? Well dd delights now in correcting his 'aren't I a wonderful husband and father' posts.

Dd has several friends in similar situations and the nrp's who don't make an effort other than for appearances sake are not respected and barely loved.

Ultimately it's these nrp's that lose out.

I also have 2 friends with herpes, they have not found it a problem with future relationships. I'm single by choice. Being a LP does not put decent people off. It's harder when child is very young to date etc but as they get a bit older you'll find it gets easier. I date, I just don't do relationships much more fun

Cinnamon

Your work colleague is not a friend. When she starts up about OW / ex, just smile and say you're not really interested as you've moved on. Repeat, repeat and repeat until she gets the message..........

Look forward and think about your future and your DD's. Wishing you the best of everything.

Re: Herpes, while I do not have it myself I understand there is medication you can take and as long as you're not having an active outbreak you shouldn't pass it on. It's so common these days you might find your new partner has it as well, so no dramas about "giving it to him".

Re: FB and real life. I don't post my "bad stuff" on FB because people just see it as attention seeking but sometimes they see the good stuff the same. My SIL posted on FB last month that she had a "wicked awesome vacation in Las Vegas" with her friend. The truth (from her own mouth) is that she had an awful time. She and her friend have parted on bad terms and the friendship is probably over now. She also admitted they "staged" some of the fun photos as well.

Re: real life in general - I know it's hard but I'm sure you know from experience with your ex that relationship (and life) often looks better from the outside than the inside... grass always greener and all that. They:

• have a lovely house (but probably have a huge mortgage)
• have nice cars (and applicable loans/fees etc)
• go on fabulous holidays (but you don't know if they now have a large credit card debt)
• post about weddings (thank god you weren't married to him, imagine how much harder splitting would have been then!)
• post photos playing happy family (because why would you post screaming ones!) on the couple of hours he deigns to see his child (this is a good thing IMO. Harder to poison her).

I know you're in a slump right now but try and think about all your positives:

1. You have a job that enables you to provide for your child, but you can get another one
2. Your rented house might be crappy (in your words) but you could save and move eventually, you're not tied to it
3. you're no longer with that douche bag
4. He's so uninvolved in DDs life that you don't need to deal with him regularly
5. you have a child you adore and who adores you

No-one knows what time will bring but you're on the up!

Your work colleague seems a bit if s stirrer. It's really not fair that you are struggling and he only has dd 3 hrs a week.
You give her warmth, comfort love, fun. Reassurance and security. No amount of money can buy those things. You can also focus how you raise her and the values that you teach away from material possessions.
Mumsnetters can be really helpful with advice around jobs etc if you would like help to change your situation. It's hard when you feel stuck.

I think something really powerful that might help you is mindfulness. If your head has got used to thinking about him and feeling sad it helps train your brain to be in th present moment which can be really feeling when you're stuck.in difficult thoughts.

All the best zxx

From my experience 99.9% on fb is boasting and its not like that in rl. If its on fb its probably far from the truth. Your friend isnt a friend if she telling you things that that. You lucky to get away from a vile man. That poor ow has to put up with him every day. Just enjoy your dd, surround yourself with real friends and stay a mystery on fb. Xxx

Your 'tiny, crappy, rented house' is where your DD gets love. She will never ever be better off with material stuff and a big house.

If it helps, DS1's father is stinking rich, whereas we live a much more modest life. Before I met DH, I was stony broke! DS1 (he's 28 now) does visit his father, but doesn't stay over in his huge house... he stays here and shares with his brother. He phones me at least once a week, but usually more, and he also often phones DH for a chat, or advice. DH only came into his life when he was 10, after almost 7 years of me being a single mum.

You just carry on being a loving, happy mummy, and stuff them and their house/cars. What you have, money can't buy.

Op, I hope your feeling a bit better to.

Years ago my mum was a single mum to me, my dad had left when I was 3 (no OW) just grown apart, he eventually got with someone else when I was 6, they would be on holiday all the time, bought a brand new house. Meanwhile myself and my mum had hardly any money, lived in a damp council house and we would have to make toast by holding bread up to the fire on knitting needles.

I saw my dad once a fortnight, he would shower me with money, gifts etc anything I ever asked for, but I hated every minute of it, i would rather he spend quality time with me, he would run back to his new wife and her kids and I would feel so jealous, but kids aren't stupid I now how much my mum suffered for me and I value her more than anything in this world. just as your daughter will do for you.

Kids want people to spend time with them, that's what your doing, spending quality time with her making lovely memories of her childhood. don't put yourself down your doing an amazing job and if anything be thankful he's gone. I agree that you right to keep off facebook, you know yourself you take a few pictures and don't put the ugliest one n, will be the same for hem, its an glamourous edited version of your life.

Your "friend" sounds like a pure shit stirrer and what a bitch for going to look and telling you everything. But also agree with the others if she's only 20, its only a matter of time before shes gone. At 20 I would have walked to the moon for a man I thought I loved, just 2 years later I was with someone else wondering wtf I was thinking doing with that looser!, she will grow up in time, the best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and moving forward, even as others have suggested going for some confidence courses, and looking to move to a job where you feel satisfied in, once you start on 1 small thing about yourself others become easier to accomplish. Your doing a great job, I hope you have family and friends around you to help out too.

So he's put lots of photos on FB of something that he spends 3 hours a week doing. That's 2% of his time.

I spend nearly 3 hours a week watching soap operas! He has the same level of relationship with your lovely lovely dd as I do with Kat, Alfie and the gang from Holby.

Poor him - he's missing out like mad and deep down he knows at or he would post 98% of his pictures of the other 98% of his life.

Facebook should be renamed Fakebook! He's putting stuff up on there to create an illusion. You're doing right in ignoring him, sad looser that he is. Time to get really blunt and tell anybody attempting to stir trouble that you can see they want to stir trouble and you aren't interested. You sound like you are doing a really good job in crappy circumstances, your little one is miles better off with someone like you who cares about her unlike her dad who only seems to care about 'likes' on Fakebook.

Some lovely posts here op, all saying rightly that you sound like a fabulous, loving, strong parent that your Dd will look up to in later years.

Honestly, kids are very sensible in general. My ex in laws bought Dd absolutely everything you can imagine but she saw through their manipulative ways quite quickly. 3 hours a week really is nothing and speaks volumes about your exes real priorities.

Fbook is like PR for your personal life. I know someone who has a horrible, abusive twat for a husband and she posts constant loving pics and messages about him, actually I know 2 women like that.

Cinnamon not got more to add, other than keep loving your gorgeous dd & be happy you don't have to worry about faking some crappy 'wonderful' life to keep up appearances.

The people who count will know the truth.

I feel much better this morning and even more so after reading everyone's lovely comments. I was having a crap day yesterday and feeling crap about myself in general so my work friend's comments didn't help.

My house isn't so bad really, just not a big posh one like his mum made out his is. The damp is an issue and it drives me mad. I constantly have to wipe down the walls and windows and have to leave the windows open for a few hours to get rid of the condensation so the house is freezing. I then put the radiators on and it starts all over again. Swear the mould appears overnight.

XP and I were saving for a deposit on a house and I am so glad now that he left before we bought one as it would have been even harder to cut ties with him and it would have been another thing for him to send me abuse about. I had to spend the money I had saved on bills whilst I was on maternity leave as I didn't know anything about tax credits so I struggled for a few months before I knew I could get a bit of help and I still had stuff to buy for DD and then I transfered the rest into an account for her so at the moment I don't have much savings to save up for my own deposit. He told me I was a scrounger once he found out I was recieving tax credits and his mum said to a few people that was the only reason I had DD was to claim benefits

I'm doing a course with work so I can eventually leave and get a better job but I'm struggling with it because I'm so tired all the time and also hard finding time to do the coursework and since having DD I find that can't concentrate on stuff like I used to. I used to be a hairdresser and worked for a decent company and earned quite a bit but I started having panic attacks and my hands shake when I'm nervous which isn't good when cutting someone's hair so I had to leave. Now I work in a supermarket and I hate it but I'm still working on my self esteem and don't have the confidence to leave just yet.

I'm 27 so I know I still have plenty of time to change my life but my confidence is really low right now and I don't feel good enough for anything other than being a mum (I don't even feel like I do that right). DD is happy and healthy, she has her bad days where she tantrums and she's proper bossy but overall she's a good girl and she's polite as well which his mum always comments on but of course she thinks it's down to the time she spends with them. I chuckle at that one.

My own family aren't very involved with me and DD. We see them once a week but they don't offer to have DD or anything like that and I get told she's my responsibility and her dad should have her if I want to have a social life so I don't have one. My dad takes me places if I need to and helps that way and he helps with DIY but not with anything to do with DD, really.

DD often tells me she doesn't like her dad and OW which secretly makes me happy but I tell her not to say that and I only say positive things about him. I don't mention OW though because I can't bring my self to say anything nice about her so I keep my mouth shut. I don't think she even understands what a dad is, I think she thinks that's his name and she has to go with him once a week. She never mentions him other than to say she doesn't like daddy or OW. Despite this I still think DD might be manipulated by money and gifts and will prefer him when she gets older. I also think he will want DD more as she gets older and he has to do less with her. She loves his mum and his younger brother though and often mentions them because they have DD on a Saturday afternoon and she sees them more than him because some weeks he doesn't bother seeing her at all. I despise his mum but she is a good grandma and if it wasn't for her I would have no time to myself at all. I do worry she might say bad things about me to DD as she gets older though.

When I'm feeling down though it's easy to lose sight of the positives and I only focus on the stuff I'm rubbish at and the apparent fab life he has. Reading these comments and talking about it all has made me realise my life is better than is because I have DD and she loves me. All DD cares about is having cuddles and playing with me.

Thank you so much everyone

Im glad your feeling better op, Its hard when your family offer little to no help though.

1 thing that may be worth looking into a company called gingerbread. MY cousin is a single mum to 2, feeling pretty much the same as you've described, she was so low she was put on anti depressants and her gp recommended she go on there website to look for any help and support.

She did anyway and the following week they had a meet up planned, so she went along, honestly I've never seen her happier, she doesn't have mad nights out like she used to but so what, she meets up with a few other single parents now and then, who get together over coffee/soft play/ park etc so while the kids all play together she gets some adult conversation. May be worth a try to boost your self confidence and meet some new people too. I wish i knew where you lived, you sound like you need a massive hug right now and your family don't seem forthcoming with it for you. Ignore his mum, she sounds poisonous and your dd will realise this is time to come if anything does happen.

Is there anyway you could explain to our parents how hard it is for you sometimes? My own mum wasn't that great with my ds when he was born, she would ask me if i've slept ok and i'd say no I had about 2 hours, then say arrgghh nightmare. and that would be it. It got to the point 1 day where I cried my heart out saying I just needed to sleep and she wasn't being helpful at all, in fact I think i chased her out the house cos I was so angry, but since then she realised what I was going through and it sunk in. She says its hard to remember how tough a time children that young can be, she remembers it all fondly taking me to the park, swimming etc. It may be worth a try if it gets you a bit of family help