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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feel like a shit mum

29 replies

bumblebeerat · 08/01/2016 19:06

I just can't seem to do anything right at the moment all they bloody do is argue and even if I try to do something nice they just bicker and moan. I feel so wound up even if they are being good I'm waiting for it all to kick off again. Sometimes I just think they would be better off without me. I see all these other families all happy and calm. When the kids do something bad they are all "oh darling don't do that" insert happy floaty tone and I can't seem to be like that. They just drive me crazy. Don't get me wrong I love them i but just never seem to get anything right.

When dp takes them out they always seem to have a great time (i work 3 nights a week so sleeping) but when I'm around it never goes that way. I have no patience at all. My life just seems to be working, cleaning and breaking up fights. How do the rest of you do it?

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 19:07

How old are your dc's.

Howdoesironmanwee · 08/01/2016 19:08

You're catching peoplease putting up a front. Or, on a day when they feel stronger than usual. Or they got a lobotomy.
Give yourself a break.

fidel1ne · 08/01/2016 19:08

It's a stage. A horrible, nerve-shredding one.

They probably behave better for Dad because they see less of hin (?)

You don't sound like a shit mum

ollieplimsoles · 08/01/2016 19:09

How old are your kids op?

No advice really as ive still got all this to come but I would say pick your battles carefully avoid stressing over the smaller things

ThomasRichard · 08/01/2016 19:12

Are they better with their dad because he lets you do all the thinking and planning while 'breaks the rules' and lets them eat crap/misbehave in public/not do errands?

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 08/01/2016 19:14

I have 3 there's dd 10 ds 7 and ds 5. Just feel like I was never cut out for this mum thing. All these people talk about how many lovely things they do with their children like making cakes ect and when I try they fight. It just doesn't come naturally to me at all. It's also not helped by having to get all the housework done. I just never seem to have time for anything either.

OP posts:

Salunabaluna · 08/01/2016 19:39

Don't feel like a shit mum. Your not. It's a phase and a bad day combined

I had a turnaround when I read a load of articles from gentle parenting and aha parenting sites, give them a google it you've time. It's bloody hard. [Gin]

Hihohoho1 · 08/01/2016 19:47

Er you work nights so probably are permanently knackered?

Why are you doing all the housework? Does your dh have no hands?

You are not a shit mom just a knackered one.

Time for a family conference op. Divide chores and set behaviour expectations. Between all 4 of them.

irretating · 08/01/2016 20:33

In public I'm all ''oh darling don't do that'', at home I'm a bit more towards ''do that again and I will suspend you out of your bedroom window by your ears''. People fake it in public.

I notice you list one of your duties as 'breaking up fights', one of the best parenting decisions I made was to become very selective about the fights I involve myself in.

It sounds like maybe you need to build your relationship up with your kids again. Do you ever take the kids out individually?

irretating · 08/01/2016 20:42

and set behaviour expectations

This isn't really an effective approach tbh. It's usually better for parents to change their reactions and responses and model the behaviour they want to see in their children. Be the change that you want to see.

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 08/01/2016 20:52

I feel like I'm going through similar atm, but now feeling bad as I don't work very often and only have 2 who are 6&2. I'm feeling for you.

I find it's the tiredness that makes me impatient, and having eaten lots of crap over christmas! I've been eating much better the last few days and feeling more energised for it xxx

wanderingwondering · 08/01/2016 20:57

Mine are 6 and 3 and I feel the same.
I think dh had a taste of it iver the holidays as he was around much more than usual and so less of a novelty (usually he takes them out to give me a 'break' and then raves about how wonderful they've been)
I've been reading 'how to talk so kids will listen' and 123 magic.

cornflowers · 08/01/2016 21:38

My three are similar ages, a year or so older, and the younger two still bicker constantly but the older one has improved a lot over the past 6 months or so. You aren't alone & it does get better eventually :)

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:14

Dh works full time (40hrs) and I do (33) so work 8-7 Tue, wed, thurs. I took on nights as it meant we wouldn't have to pay childcare and so I could spend time with the children in a kind of best of both worlds thing. Instead it's ended up I'm trying to live the life of a sahm and a working mum at the same time. Before I go to work on a Tue I make sure everything is ready for the school run and everything is tidied up from dinner. Dp gets home at 7.30 so it's literally hi/bye then I'm off to work. When I get back in the morning I just go straight to bed so I will be up by 2.30 to do the school run. Usually when I get up I realise the place looks like a bloody bin. I've spoken so many times about but it's like talking to myself. For the first few days things will change and then it goes back to the same. Honestly once I left it over the 3 days to see if he would do it and by the time I got home Fri morn it looked like something from a dirty homes documentary when I said something about it he said "but I did the washing up". I really don't want to give up my job as I like having my own money but don't know how to carry on like this. Instead of having the best of both worlds I have the worst.

OP posts:

Throwingshade · 09/01/2016 10:16

Ok so you need to change things.

Where can you start? Have you talked to dh about the way you are feeling? Can you start a conversation with him and work out a plan of action?

You are NOT a shit mum. Parenting is hard. Life is hard. Kids are a pain in arse and they all squabble

Throwingshade · 09/01/2016 10:18

Totally agree with irretating too - don't compare yourselves to little snapshots you see when you are out of 'perfect' mothers and families, and definitely don't believe a bloody word of it on Facebook!

Every time we have a movie night, do baking, go out for a day, there are always fights and despair - interspersed with lovely bits too obviously! - it's the same for everyone. If they say different, they are lying.

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:24

I have many times I'm just not sure he gets it. He will say all the right things but nothing ever changes. I've been working nights for a year I used to do 8 to 8 but just couldn't keep it up ao

OP posts:

christinarossetti · 09/01/2016 10:24

You've hit the nail on the head. You're working full time AND being a full time SAHP. No wonder you're exhausted and feeling overwhelmed.

A few hours snatched sleep in the day after an 11 hour shift and before school pick up is NOT the same as a decent night's sleep. Yes, you can wing this for a few weeks, but it's not tenable long term.

Look up the physical and mental health effects of night work - they're not good and switching between time zones each week as you're effectively doing is impossible for anyone.

Could you change to day time shifts (with before/after school childcare)? The financial gains of the way you're doing things are at the cost of your physical and mental health, and absolutely no way to go on.

Take care.

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:26

Before that I was a miserable sahm I hate relying on others for things so love going to work. Nights aren't my favourite things but as dp works days it works.

OP posts:

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 09/01/2016 10:35

First off you are not a shit mum, my dd's can be terrible sometimes and I feel lime tearing my hair out. But someone asks what we been up to I always tell them the lovely things we managed and sugar coat the truth a bit!

I've just started work aswell and my house is a total mess, what has helped is making up a check list of daily chores and sticking to the fridge. Dp was always saying I didn't tell him to do x or y so just washed up. Now its there so no excuse.

I am also going to start making my eldest (7) do chores to earn pocket money. Ive seen an idea online its a notice board with chores listed individually with the money attached to each one. Eg set the table for dinner with 5p in a bag. Im aiming for about 5-6 things she can do each day to start with.

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:36

I've looked up the health thing before its not good. I've had a cold for the last month as I know this constant night/day life is effecting my immune system. I'm taking vitamin d given by my Dr as I'm very deficient. Before starting nights I was a very active person always out walking and enjoying myself but now I can't be bothered to do anything. I've put on 3 stone because of this which really hasn't helped with my mental state. My new night job is alot more active (supermarket instead or caring) so hopefully that will help with the weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:38

Like that idea might have to use it.

OP posts:

AppleSetsSail · 09/01/2016 10:44

Goodness OP that sounds incredibly difficult. You are NOT a shit mother.

I'm confused, aren't your children all school-aged so wouldn't your childcare bill be actually quite manageable if you worked days?

Original poster

bumblebeerat · 09/01/2016 10:52

They are but it's the holidays and things that are the problem. Plus working days I would have to take a pay cut down to minimum wage.

OP posts:

AppleSetsSail · 09/01/2016 11:06

Ah, right.

How much sleep are you getting on your working days? Are you able to easily switch back and forth between daytime and nighttime sleeping? Does your husband pull his weight while at home?

For me, this would drive the sustainability of this situation.

Please go easy on yourself and forget about the baking

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