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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this parent is being (a bit) U?

69 replies

Pedestriana · 07/01/2016 14:20

Was chatting a friend yesterday. Her DS is having a birthday party this weekend, with a lot of school friends invited. They're all at primary school.

Friend got an email on Monday from mother of one of the children to say her DS could no longer attend the party because she was now going on a Spa weekend with family. Apparently it was only booked on the Sunday evening before she contacted my friend.

I said to my friend that in my opinion the mother had made a commitment and it was unfair of her to renege on it. Friend said that if it was a family commitment then it trumped a kids party. I understand the kids are pretty good friends, but don't know how the one now withdrawn from the party feels.

OP posts:

nocabbageinmyeye · 07/01/2016 16:30

rookiemere nobody mentioned cancelling last minute. Also there are many who think replacement party goers/second round invites are rude too.

People are talking about a weekend away, surely this is a once off not a serial canceller so anyone who stops inviting a child to future parties is a bit pathetic anyway

Honestly mn is a different world when it comes to children's parties

rookiemere · 07/01/2016 16:36

Er nocabbage in the OP the cancellation was received on Monday and the party is this weekend, so less than a week away.

But to be fair my response was based on the type of party I'm booking for DS. On other years when we've paid for the venue rather than the number of DCs then I'd be less bothered.

And yes I'm well aware that replacement/second round invites are considered rude, but I'm not sure how else to get round a venue with minimum number of 12 maximum number of 16. Hopefully all of the original list invited will be able to come.

MoMoTy · 07/01/2016 16:39

Spa weekend trumps here too. However if I knew the parent paid per head then i probably would offer something if it was last minute.

PuppyMonkey · 07/01/2016 16:42

Crikey there are some hard liners on MN. I mean the parent gave lots of notice - she didn't just text on the morning of party. And even as someone who loathes spas, I understand that they're quite a rare treat not something you go on any old day. I'd forgive then this time.

Having said that I'd have probably fibbed and said I had to go to a funeral or something.

peggyundercrackers · 07/01/2016 16:48

I would agree with those saying family weekend away trumps a kids birthday party for a couple of hours. In fact I would think a lot of things trump a kids party - they would be near the bottom of my list for things to do.

I don't really like the idea that people have these big kids parties and that they invite whole classes to and rent a hall etc. to have it in. I think they are impersonal and people only do them because it seems like the thing that everyone does. We just have small parties and invite kids real friends.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 07/01/2016 16:50

I'd just be happy the parent actually cancelled.

ConesOfDunshire · 07/01/2016 16:58

My niece started in reception this year, so they're still very much in the phase of inviting everyone in the class to birthday parties, and DNiece is attending every single one. I am really sick of trying to arrange family meet-ups, only to be told by SIL that they aren't available because DN has a party.

There are twenty-nine other children in the class. That's over six months' worth of weekends totally wiped out. Sometimes, family needs to trump friends.

LovelyFriend · 07/01/2016 17:03

Have you ever thrown a childrens party OP?

This parent has given a full 5 days notice that her child can't come - in the general scheme of things that is very reasonable and pretty good going.

and YABU for involving yourself in this - you seem determined to wind your friend up about it. Why would you do that?

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 17:16

Ah cones perhaps she's telling you you are not priority.

You can't be annoyed if people don't have time to see you. If they want they would make time, or not accept the party invites.

HanYOLO · 07/01/2016 17:21

A family weekend away (booked last minute because it was cheap, because the family all went like the clappers pleasing everyone else over Christmas maybe or because they just need time to be together) definitely should be prioritised over a children's party.

It's a little bit sad for the birthday child but one guest of 8 or 10, it's not the end of the party/world for them.

And she gave loads of notice - most people haven't even accepted the invitation by that window.

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 17:25

It's not pathetic to avoid inviting children in future. There is a general consensus here over time who's likely to decline, who is likely to be unreliable etc. Ive certainly been asked here who didn't rsvp, declined, dropped out here by the next mum organising a party. You just choose more carefully next time. It's a natural response. Very quickly parties here go to just a few, so you wouldn't want to invite a group who would be less likely to come.

rookiemere · 07/01/2016 17:27

We have an only DS so I bloody love parties. DS happy playing with his pals and DH and I can go for a walk and do something together.

Oh and in our neck of the woods, party invites go out 4-5 weeks ahead of time and generally replies come back at least two weeks in advance. I can't think of a situation where I received a response within a week of the party, mind you having said that I will chase up any non responders.

Micah · 07/01/2016 17:29

Is the child going on the spa weekend? Can't think of anything worse for the poor kid.

bettyberry · 07/01/2016 17:38

I'd be miffed if it was my kids party but then I have the kid with additional needs who's friends all RSVP'd yes and didn't show up.

OTOH at least she called and cancelled. Regardless of what it was for she did the decent thing and cancelled the invite.

Havingafieldday · 07/01/2016 17:47

It really wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I would just be pleased I was told. There would be plenty of other children there and I would totally invite the child again. Just of those things. There are so many parties it's impossible to keep weekends free for them

Atenco · 07/01/2016 18:03

There seem to be two different ideas of what is right here, so there is no generally accepted etiquette for this. I find life much easier if I don't spend my life taking offense at everything, especially about unagreed rules of behaviour

ConesOfDunshire · 07/01/2016 18:05

Hive, that's exactly what she's doing, and it's irritating - especially when we are the ones who get lectures from the PIL about making time to see family. It doesn't feel great to be told that we are number 31 on the priority list, after every single child in the class.

ovenchips · 07/01/2016 18:17

If I've read correctly, someone rang 5 days before a kid's party and cancelled (decent notice IMO). The parent of the child whose birthday it is thought cancelling for the given reason was fair enough (very sensible IMO).

You seem to have taken offence on the party mum's behalf? That's just being a silly billy really.

ItsANewDayToday · 07/01/2016 18:24

Spa weekend wins easily.

The Mum called and she was honest. If I were her I would have checked what the activity was and whether the OP was out of pocket and had she been I would have insisted on covering the cost. When I say I would have insisted I mean that I would actually insist and I'd actually send the money.

It's only a 4 year olds party but it would be rude if the OP was left out of pocket.

GreenishMe · 07/01/2016 18:25

It's one thing (still a bit sad) to not invite the child again if you don't want to - but to say you'd decline a request for your own DC to go to their party if invited is really pathetic.

....this thread has reminded me how banal life can be when you have primary school kids.

So glad I'm out of all that shit now :)

budgiegirl · 07/01/2016 18:28

I think this is fine, plenty of notice has been given, although I would offer payment if the party place would have cost money, and also send a gift.

I do think that some people are a bit precious about their children, a whole weekend with family should definitely come before a two hour childrens party. It wouldn't bother me at all if someone gave a week's notice to cancel. I'd just be grateful that they had let me know!

RaspberryOverload · 07/01/2016 18:33

Is the spa weekend actually a family event? I read the OP as the mother is going away, nothing about the rest of the family.

If it's the whole family, then I guess it trumps the party.

If it's just the mother then I can't see any reason why whoever is looking after the child can't bring him to the party.

My DCs have had invites where I wasn't able to drop them off, so I arranged someone else to do this, on the grounds that both the birthday child, and my own DC were happy.

ApplePaltrow · 07/01/2016 18:35

This thread is a great way crazy parents I never want to meet to show themselves (up). I'd be glad not to be invited to anyone's party who would "never invite me again" over this.

It's January, it's cold, the year is starting, bills are due and it's back to work! If a great deal for a weekend away popped up right now, I'd jump all over it.

Housemum · 07/01/2016 19:12

It's frustrating, but I wouldn't be unduly annoyed unless there was some expensive bespoke item involved. DD3 had her party last weekend, we let her over-invite because we knew quite a few wouldn't be able to come as it was school hols (would have had to suck it up if they had all said yes and worry about the cost after!). Venue had a minimum charge of 8 children, in the end we had 7. Number 8 had forgotten about it and I didn't have her mobile number (tried going through friend-of-a-friend). Shit happens - meant that DH and I still ordered her portion of food and ate it, as we'd paid for it!

If I'd had your situation and had a few days' notice, I would have asked my neighbour if their younger child wanted to go, saying that a present wasn't necessary, as the place was paid for already.

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 19:13

Oh I'm not a crazy parent, but like you, enjoy spa days etc. In order to facilitate these things and the other commitments we do at the weekend, we need to choose to attend some parties and decline others.

It becomes very quickly, well you went to theirs let's invite back or he came to yours so let's invite them. We don't invite everyone and I suppose it's a way if culling numbers especially when they are little. It's not spiteful, just pragmatic, as I'm not inviting everyone.

We tend to have extra parties eg Halloween, so I only invite those that have been to birthday parties that I've met.

I work so not often outside school, don't particularly know the children or parents.

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