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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to wonder if divorce statistics don't really apply where I live?

83 replies

Aliceinbogna · 07/01/2016 08:13

I'm separated from my eldest DC's father and moved to a tiny seaside village.

I was having lunch with a group of mums and they were discussing a recent separation of someone they knew which they felt was slurping when they all began saying, 'my husband would never cheat' or 'i cant see us getting divorced.'

They are all in long, stable marriages, some married to their high school sweet hearts. I cant see any of them divorcing or any strange stuff happening. Am I being unreasonable in believing this?

I grew up in a city where divorce rates are high and this place feels like a bubble!

Am I being naive and idealistic?

OP posts:
MonsterDeCookie · 07/01/2016 09:14

From what I remember reading it's more to do with age and education than class. The older you are and the more educated you are the less likely you are to divorce. In my son's school this certainly bears out; we have only met one other couple who have a blended family and most are older with advanced degrees.

CuriousGeorgiesHat · 07/01/2016 09:19

Over 50% of my circle met as teenagers. Same as their own parents did. I expect it is learnt behaviour.

MoMoTy · 07/01/2016 09:23

Monster that's interesting as well, all my and dh friends including us got married between 29-31 after securing professional careers and are 'older' parents.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2016 09:25

I'm in a small town too and don't know anyone who isn't in a happy marriage. People in their thirties. It scares the hell out of me as H and I are in the process of splitting. Worried I'll be a social pariah.

Dumdedumdedum · 07/01/2016 09:27

Sorry, OP, I can't get beyond the "slurping". Can it be a cause for divorce?

CuriousGeorgiesHat · 07/01/2016 09:28

Most of my friends married between 18 -23. We have seen people marry in their late 20s/30s get divorce. One married that late and has been divorced 3 times! I think it is your values not your age.

blueshoes · 07/01/2016 09:35

Divorce is contagious. Once one person in your social group gets divorced, the chances of others within the same social group doing the same are increased.

NightWanderer · 07/01/2016 09:37

No one in my extended family is divorced. It's weird. There have been a few separations and reconciliations but no divorces yet.

Savagebeauty · 07/01/2016 09:39

My friends are all late 50s/ early fifties, and 4 of us divorced last year. All our decision... No one else involved.
All been married about 20 years..all "educated".
Our firstborns all went to university last year. I think that was a factor.

BuildMoreHouses · 07/01/2016 09:42

There were no other parties involved in our 1 divorce. The pair just said they were not in love anymore. The older generation then waited and waited..

to hear the reason they were getting divorced! Smile

The whole story was the friendliest divorce I have ever heard of.

Helenluvsrob · 07/01/2016 09:45

average smaverage....

Too many demographical issues to apply any average here. Social class/ethnicity/age/religion all skew figures.

ButtonMoon88 · 07/01/2016 09:47

No one in my side of the family is divorced but in my partners side of the family there are a couple of divorces. I don't think there is a pattern/correlation between where you live and marriage. At least not based on our families. Sometimes you just fall out of love with someone and just can't stay with them!

Millionprammiles · 07/01/2016 09:50

I wouldn't get too hung up about divorce stats, they're only half the picture.
Many more couples will remain unhappily married whilst pretending to the outside world they're perfectly happy. There are lots of understandable reasons why moderately unhappy couples would prefer not to separate - finances, kids, fear of exclusion etc.

If these couples counted towards the stats they'd look quite different.

One thing I find quite sad is the ostracism some divorced parents face (I've seen married friends of divorced couples run for the hills rather than have to socialise with - God forbid - an individual rather than a couple).

Dumdedumdedum · 07/01/2016 09:50

Interesting, Savagebeauty, though I would have imagined divorces happening after the last child had fled the nest, not the first..

reni2 · 07/01/2016 09:54

In my personal life, divorce is as rare as it was in the 50s, so there must be people whose circle is 80% divorced.

My side of the family has no divorces at all. Celebrated several 50s and 60s anniversaries. Dh's side has one I know off. Among my friends there was one divorce. That does not mean everyone is married, far from it, but the ones who do marry tend to stay married.

meoryou · 07/01/2016 09:54

We're in a mostly still married circle of friends ... In the process of splitting up, I do wonder if it will have a knock-on effect.

Married at 28; now separating at 40, I do worry about the social pariah aspect aswell

JellyTotCat · 07/01/2016 09:56

they were discussing a recent separation of someone they knew which they felt was slurping

Maybe it's "which they felt was shocking?"

ouryve · 07/01/2016 09:57

My ex always insisted he didn't believe in divorce and that we intended to stay together forever because ours was a proper marriage.

I eventually proved to him that he couldn't have been more wrong.Hmm

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/01/2016 09:57

I know loads of people who have divorced, I know 3 couples who divorced in the last couple of years, all in their 40s with primary age dc - and all due to the husband having an affair.

Although me, and my close knit University friends (bar one) are all still married to men we met at University. The 'one' is living with partner, not divorced.

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 10:01

I would imagine it's a lot to do the area and house prices.

It seems it's the ones who marry later that have more problems in my social group. If you've been on your own for ages, perhaps you are more difficult to live with?
I know lots and lots married between 18-25. All still together I think bar one whose h has a breakdown.

second marriages tend to break down more I think.

SignoraStronza · 07/01/2016 10:03

All our 'village' friends are very happily married. However, look beneath the surface and many of them (including dh) are on their second marriages after having been through the mill, lots of them had an long shagging around period before settling down and a few of them have chosen to leave the London rat race and move here/home to start a family. The one couple we know who did meet at uni have weathered storms such as family bereavement and infertility and seem to be very solid.
We seem to be a pretty good support network, which I think helps. The guys go shooting/pub quizzing/help each other out a lot too.
No complacency though, although we'd all be quite shocked if any of them had an affair.

ouryve · 07/01/2016 10:07

second marriages tend to break down more I think.

Surely a first marriage breaking down is a pre-requisite for a second marriage breaking down ;)

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 10:09

"Long shagging around period?" Well I doubt he'd change his spots upon marriage. Things get tough no doubt he'd return to what he knew?

Original poster
Aliceinbogna · 07/01/2016 10:09

*surprising!

Not slurping Grin

OP posts:
BuildMoreHouses · 07/01/2016 10:11

Contagion will be a factor.

I remember thinking, during a bad patch, that I would get divorced after my Mum died to save her the upset! Looking back I was being properly overdramatic. But if I had come from a divorcing family, who knows?