How not to BU in supporting IVF couple.

[Ipsos]

Hi,

I wondered if people could give advice on what to say and what not to say to couples experiencing IVF. In particular to say / not to say to the Dad, who may be embarrassed to have all his personal stuff discussed in great detail with all and sundry?

Thanks!

I honestly think a huge fuss is made of IVF when it often isn't necessary.

We conceived with the help of IVF and it was very straightforward - I was expecting an ordeal on a par with Chemotherapy or similar and the reality was about a million times less of a big deal that it was made out to be.

I'm aware that this experience isn't the same for everybody (I also accept that I am probably in a minority) but individual couples' experiences of IVF differ markedly - don't make assumptions about them or how they feel.

On the whole though, that fact sheet is spot on. People telling me to 'just relax' was beyond irritating and I did in fact tell one person straight that my state of mind wasn't going to magically make DH's sperm better swimmers now, was it?

a woman is wielding a sex toy-alike

You can wield you own sex toy-alike if you prefer, I did!

There's no need at all to see IVF as something that is 'done to' women, we have choices over our own bodies...

Jambon I also found it a mostly very easy process - partly because I enjoyed the science, and partly because actively receiving treatment was a hell of a lot more fun than not!

I was never offered the opportunity to wield the fanny cam and I'm intrigued!

I had more than the average number of follicles to check (see above, PCOS). The sonographer once looked at my name and said "oh you're Cabrinha, I heard about you - apparently this'll take a while!" They often commented it was hard work getting a proper look / count / measure - all very good natured and not upsetting at all. But I certainly didn't getting the impression that I could have got the camera right myself for them to get the measurements to decide when the best number were mature.

I didn't mind her doing it anyway - a means to an end, and I'm not massively squeamish. Given the choice though I'd have preferred it to have been external.

If internal, I'd rather the sonographer did it.

I got pregnant straight away the same month my pal had failed IVF. We talked about it and just accepted we couldn't change the timing. She did get pregnant via IVF a year later. We did remain friends throughout, but she was pretty fragile.

Thanks that's really good to know. Not you mention it, I remember how stressful it was for the three months that it took for us to get ds on the way. I can't imagine what it would be like to have two years and then IVF. I'll put a lid on it.

It sounds like if there's any conversation to be had its between the couple, not you and them. If the bloke is embarrassed about his partner bring up their ivf with other people, wouldn't he just tell her to stop it?

Sorry to jump on the thread; how do people manage pregnancy announcements with friends who are having fertility issues?

My very good friend (male) told me at Christmas that they are starting IVF this month. Of this particular friendship group, they are the only couple who haven't had kids, I think I had just assumed they had decided against it (his wife has a health condition and they have been married the longest of all of us). We had DD 3 years ago and my friend said we were just about the last pregnancy announcement where they felt just happiness for us, after that as more couples have had children the announcements got harder and harder for them to bare. You would never have guessed, they have been nothing but polite, kind and complimentary, showing interest in the babies and buying gifts etc, but now I know they were really hurting more with each new baby born in the friendship group.

We are about to TTC for DC2 shortly and if we are successful I would like to tell him in a way that minimises stress and pain for them. I've also always planned to ask this friend to be godfather to our second DC if we are lucky enough to have one, would that be hugely insensitive now I know about their situation?

I would let them know you're thinking about having another baby so it doesn't come as a big surprise, and (fingers crossed) when you are ready to announce you're pregnant you could do it phone on an evening when you know they don't have to go anywhere so if they're upset they don't have to deal with it face to face. They'll be thrilled for you but sad for themselves-it's a weird feeling. Asking them to be godparents is lovely. In an odd way I find other people's babies are less hard to deal with than pregnant friends.

Whatever you do don't send them a scan picture out if the blue with "this is my new little bundle of joy but I'm sure you'll be next" written underneath. Good intentions but I'm not sure how my friend thought that was a good idea...

I can't give advice because I've no experience or knowledge in this area, but I would say that you sound like a good friend. They're lucky to have you. I hope their Ivf goes well.

Cheby - I don't think there is a right answer to this. I don't have personal experience of IVF, but I do have experience of endometriosis and miscarriage, all happening at a time when several close friends were pregnant. My preference was to hear about it via text/email rather than face to face or on the phone;I found I needed a few minutes to put my "game face" on and be happy for them. I'm now 35 weeks pregnant; when I told people about this one I did text. There was one friend in particular who had miscarried a few weeks before; we would have been on similar timescales. I was straight with her & said "I'm telling you via text because that's how I prefer to find out, but if you want to call I am free now. Equally you don't have to". Another friend who has been having various fertility treatments & about to start IVF phoned me immediately and was delighted for us. Everyone is different-I think it's just about giving options. You sound very close to your friend; I would still ask them to be god father but say you know it's not easy for them and you won't be offended if they decline the offer. Others may have better advice based on more experience than me.

He might not be embarrassed, he might just not know what to say.

We're going through IVF, one of us is inferte and the other one is sub-fertile.

We are open about the treatment but not the diagnosis. When we talk about it with friends, I often talk about it more just because DH never knows what to say.

I'd find it weird if my friends knew and didn't at least say "How's it going?" etc... We've been open enough to tell them, for them not to mention it would be odd. I've had people be very dismissive when we've mentioned it too, that's worse!

I know other people have found the process easy, but for us it's so very all-consuming.

I agree with PPs; finding out about others pregnancies is far easier via text.

Thanks very much everyone, this is really useful. I wouldn't have thought about telling them we were going to TTC, I will definitely quietly mention that the next time I see them, so it's not as big a surprise.

I wouldn't have just sent them a random scan pic (hopefully I'm not that insensitive!) but if we are successful then I think I will send them a text to let them know ahead of the main group announcement and say I can call if they want or just give them some space if that is what they'd prefer.

Obviously I'm really hoping this cycle works for them and we are pregnant at a similar time! (Although wouldn't want to steel their thunder so maybe that's not a good thing actually).

I will also read the link above properly.

Thanks v much for the advice and sorry to jump on the thread .

Don't assume it will work
Don't ask what they will do if it doesn't work
Leave them well alone during the 2WW and don't ask her if it has worked on the day she will be testing

Thank you. And sorry you have had some insensitive friends. I hope I haven't been that friend in the past but I suspect I might have been while pregnant and excited and when I didn't realise they were struggling to conceive.

I will be secretly hopeful for them but keep it to myself!

Good luck to anyone else TTC and having treatment, I am keeping my fingers firmly crossed for everyone and wishing you all a smooth a journey as possible.

Ipsos, I'd definitely endorse what pps have said about checking in with your male friend and finding out how he feels about it. DH and I have IVF twins on the way after 6 years of TTC. I've always been very open about it, but DH is naturally quite private. Although to start with, he was a bit embarrassed and shy about it all, we've found that talking about it to each other and to supportive friends, has been helpful.
Cheby - you seem very thoughtful, so I'm sure you will deal sensitively with your friend's feelings. For me, I was fine about most pregnancy announcements. The ones I wasn't okay about were generally down to timing: an acquaintance (lovely lady, but didn't know us well enough to know about our tribulations) announced that her 5th was on the way the day I'd got a BFN. I managed to smile and congratulate her, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, then fled indoors and burst into tears.

And some people are extraordinarily crass and insensitive. There was a thread on here a few months ago about things we'd never say/do if we were lucky enough to get pregnant. It was lighthearted in part, but there's a lot of hurt that comes out too: Here

As others have said, say nothing unless they bring it up.

It's on your mind 24/7 so a break from thinking/talking about it is much appreciated!

If it is brought up, be cautiously positive-nothing worse than a friend telling you that "it'll be you next!" constantly. It's well meaning but rather not heard from someone who doesn't know the details. Be kind, wish them luck and move onto a different topic.

Thanks, this is all immensely helpful discussion. Just knowing how people in general feel in this situation gives me a whole lot of perspective, without having to actually ask the friends who are going through IVF. Also it helps me to have an outlet for my own excitement and nervousness that doesn't involve burdening these friends.

I have got a stack of baby books to to these friends if they need them and I was going to let them know in case that encouraged them, but I think in fact I'll just keep that quiet unless the time comes when they definitely do.

I have got a stack of baby books to to these friends if they need them and I was going to let them know in case that encouraged them, but I think in fact I'll just keep that quiet unless the time comes when they definitely do.

Wow-absolutely do not give then those books! I would try to see your role as supporting them, not encouraging them. You need to beware of becoming too much of a cheerleader for how the Ivf is definitely going to work and how wonderful it will be when there's a baby. For some people it just doesn't work out like that.

You have sounded so well meaning, if naïve, in your posts.

But bloody hell, you considered giving baby books to a couple having IVF to "encourage them"?

If you'd done that during my IVF I'd have encouraged your arse out of my front door with my boot!!!

How wonderful if fertility issues were solved by a bit of encouragement. They really don't need books to encourage - IVF relies on good base material and good science and good embryologists, not encouragement!