To think that I've made a complete mess of my life and it's probably never going to change?

[SadPatheticCow]

Where do I start?

I am 33, going on 34 and I still live in the family home with my parents. I want to leave, in fact I dream of it but I'm single and I'm not even sure I'd be able to afford it on my own. Aside from this is there is the fact I've that I've never lived independently so I have no clue about budgeting, paying bills, council tax or anything like that. I wouldn't know where to start, it terrifies me and I find it so overwhelming.

That all sounds disgustingly pathetic I know, and I'm actually ashamed to put it down on here but it's the truth. I have mental health problems going back to childhood, it started with school refusal when I was eight and has developed into anxiety problems. I should say I am quite bright academically and did well when I was actually there, I also had friends and was lucky enough not to be bullied so there was no real reason for any of this but it continued right through secondary school. My parents didn't really know what to do with me, my mum is quite an emotinally distant person who has never hugged us or told us she loved us and her reaction to this was to scream and shout at me for not going to school.

So I failed my GCSE's because I was never in school, and went from dead end job to dead end job. When I was 19 I wanted to become a holiday rep, even had the application forms but my parents talked me out of it. Instead in my early 20's I went back to college, retook my exams and then applied to university. You can guess what happened next can't you? My parents talked me into applying to a Uni close to home, I did this dutifully went to a local one enjoyed it but missed out on the proper experience of Uni.

In my late 20's I had quite serious breakdown which had been building over the course of a few years. I was on AD's for a while and was unable to work, I also had counselling and was told that my family were the root cause of my problems. I couldn't work during this time.

So now fast forward to now, I have a job but it doesn't pay a lot, certainly not enough to pay rent, bills etc. I live in my family home watching my parents get older and turn into my grandparents more with each passing day. My future seems quite horribly bleak, when they die I will be fucked won't I because I'm on my own and I haven't got a clue how to look after myself? I missed it all in my formative years. Sometimes I think I should try and look for a relationship, but I'm hardly a catch am I? Almost middle aged and still living with the rents.

I don't know what to do? I say I'm going to try and change things, but I never do. So I've ruined my life havent I?

TEFL and ESOL seconded!
I have been through a period like this last year. Had a rough time with work and personal life with much of it beyond my control and and finished up feeling crap about EVERYTHING.

New year, new start and have just finished an application for a dream job running a social enterprise garden centre.

It's reminded me of all the skills I do have.

Don't know if this is any help whatsoever, but you're not on your own and it's definitely not too late to pursue the things you really want to do. Be brave and let us know how it goes!

What do you think your parents would say if you told them you were moving out? Would they be supportive? Would you mind if they weren't? Do you find it easy to hold and defend opinions different to theirs, even if it upsets them?

It sounds to me like your parents need (want) you to stay close to them, rather than you needing them.

I've never really broached the subject BarbarianMum. They don't seem to mind me being here, but I think my mum would have an issue with me having a different opinion to her.

She needs to be needed and I think, and quite honestly she doesn't get along with my Dad as much anymore. He's a bit older than her, a pensioner now and is getting a bit Victor Meldrew-ish in his advancing years. So I'm a bit like an emotional crutch for her I suppose.

I thought so. How do you feel about the thought of upsetting her by moving out? Would you feel guilty? Would she encourage that 'how could you leave me' type of thing, or would she/they worry (out loud) that 'you couldn't cope'.

You sound like they/you maybe have a rather unhealthy dependence going on here - they need you to be at home, to need them, to be unable to live independently. Your role gives them roles to play and the "game" is self-re-enforcing. But your "role" is eroding you confidence and making you unhappy, so it needs to change. But if you change it, then their roles will need to change and they won't like that.

If you think there is any truth in what I'm saying - and you don't feel confident to unilaterally declare independence and move out, then would you consider talking things through with a counsellor?

I probably would feel guilty yes, I generally do feel guilty when I argue with them though. My brother, who doesn't live with us has already said that he thinks me and our mum feed off each other, so you are probably onto something with that.

Sometimes (often) I wish I was back living with my parents instead of being in a crap relationship and being a crap mother. I'm nearly 34 too.

I know I sound like the proverbial stuck record here but you have to realise that you're not responsible for the happiness of your parents/mum and that in the long run, a happier you is a more "useful" daughter (that sounds so utilitarian, I hope you know what I'm driving at!). To "waste" your opportunities to avoid hurting prenatal feelings mugs everyone off in the longer term.

My life now is brill but it's taken a very long time to get here. Like you, I'm 34 but let the (misplaced) responsibility I felt I had to my mum led to a few bad decisions in my life that still have consequences to this day. Whilst I wouldn't change a thing in a way, I also feel a degree of anger at myself for not putting me first and realising my mum's issues were way beyond anything my sticking around close to home could do.

She died a few years ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly but the one saving grace that's allowed me to not let that fuck up my life is that I know that her life (and death) were ultimately of her own making and the fact there's nothing I could have ever done to alter her path means I'm not consumed and twisted up with misplaced guilt.

God, sorry this is all a bit black - basically get a plan together, get a timetable and just GET OUT THERE!

(Waves pom-poms)

I know I need to make a break and the longer I leave it the harder it'll be, I suppose it's hard to come out of the comfort zone you've always known.

You haven't wasted your life! If you work with sen children and have a degree, and enjoy it, do your teacher training! Certain subjects are funded...study away from home see how you get on. I worked as a TA when I finished my degree, loved the kids hated the pay, went back to uni to do my PGCE and never looked back! You can do it. You will manage financially.

You're spot on. I think that part of the resolution is recognising the issues, which you clearly have here.

Have a look around online and see what is open to you.

Re cabin crew- you are definitely not too old. I have worked for BA for 30 years and currently have a daughter who is applying for 'Mixed Fleet'. This fleet flies out of Heathrow doing a mix of long and short haul. If you live reasonably close to Heathrow I would highly recommend you apply. The pay isn't great but you will definitely see some of the World. Your age will be an advantage as this fleet needs a mix of ages. I know of one new entrant who started at 58. Good Luck!

You're by no means too old to make some changes in your life. I have a friend who is 40-something and has recently moved out of their parents' home and into a flat for the first time, and it's been a life-changing experience - in a good way! Paying bills and managing life stuff is something you pick up as you go along. You can definitely do it!

Do things step my step first. Get a small flatshare/houseshare nearby first; then look at your own place, and then look to explore different jobs or maybe even moving away.

I lived with my parents until I was in my late twenties, supporting them financially etc and it was horrible. They literally sucked the life and energy out of me - I feel so much happier having my own life, but it took me a while to get there. If you're used to living with others it can be a culture shock going alone straightaway; step by step worked for me.

I also left my parents quite late in life (26 but lived with someone responsible for two years, then went back to parents for another 4 years and didn't leave again until 32 years of age) and I didn't have a clue about life either. I was also in a foreign country when I had to strike out on my own, whilst jobless. So I had to sort out a place to live and a way to fund it whilst not knowing the language, and having a daughter to think of... it was scary and not at all what I'd recommend, but I did it. I had to. Perhaps that's what it takes. Go into the unknown.

I used to go on holidays with company's like Solo's and Exodus, and I remember one of the reps saying that he didn't actually have a home as he was away rep-ing so much of the year, he just stored his minimal belongings at a mate's. You could try branching out by applying for that type of work while keeping your things at your parents', then once you were used to the independence, eventually get your own place (or just carry on travelling the world and rep-ing!)

YANBU.
Now what are you going to do about it?

Start by changing your user name to something positive!
Try cognitive behaviour therapy. Its a lot more practical than talking therapies and I think that with your practical attitude you'll take to it like a duck to water.

Set yourself a goal to learn one thing at a time. Phone the Council Tax and ask how to pay a bill. They will tell you. Write it down. Repeat for any gas and electricity company. You get a unique reference number, you pay by direct debit once a month or get the bill once every three months.

Now get out there and do it! 10/10

how much do you earn currently? what are your current outgoings?

have you considered a year teaching english as a foreign language? my friend earnt £23k doing so in Japan - your experience in your current role could stand you in good stead?

Why don't you phone up Easy jet or British Airway and ASK them then you'll know they AFAIR do take good care of their staff.

If you don't ask you won't know one phone call might be all it takes?.

I once went out with a girl she took up a job with BA that's progressed a bit now she now FLY's the aircraft!, done well and she wasn't the coolest calmest self assured person around !

Here have a look!

careers.easyjet.com/cabin-crew/

www.britishairways.com/careers/cabin_crew.shtml

Sadpatheticcow - you're not pathetic. How about applying to the cruise liners to be one of the kids workers? They run the clubs and activities for various age groups. You take turns to go off the ships to the various destinations. So sometimes you won't but you'll take turns.

Another good idea that one annie louise:)

I've spoken to some before and they spend the summer doing the same ports in the Med then out to the Caribbean for the winter. The number of weeks they get in each destination means they usually see a lot of the destinations in that time. I think you need an adventure for a couple of years. You wont' make much money but you also won't have much responsibility. You could work your way up and become land based after a bit or have transferable skills for a job based in one place.

I agree TEFL and go far, like China or somewhere. I have a friend who did this and one of the good things was that everyone doing the job was in the same situation and keen to make friends so she had a better social life over there compared to home where most of her friends had had kids so could no longer socialise very much.