to expect 12 year old to keep room tidy?

[Jw35]

Hi posting here for traffic!
My 12 year old dd is very messy. She has the biggest room in in the house (because she has the most stuff and I wanted her to) and she has a bed as well as a sofa bed in there used as a sofa.

Last summer When she was in Paris with the school, I made her room special for her, got some ikea storage units and new bedding, new large fluffy rug and furnishings. It looked lovely and she was over the moon. She has a cute sleeping area and 'lounge' area.

I used to tidy up for her every month or so, having a blitz in there and chucking things out. However she's supposed to do the basics-laundry in basket, no rubbish on floor etc.

Since I had another baby a year ago I've withdrawn from these blitz episodes and it always looks a tip! Clothes and towels everywhere, bed messy, toys and pens etc scattered on the floor. Bin overflowing and it's getting me down!

I have a one year old now and I'm 10 weeks pregnant and feeling shattered! What is fair in this situation? I feel guilty that I haven't cleaned for her in about a year properly and I'm also not sure what discipline is appropriate for clothes and towels on floor? Does she need a laundry basket even though there's one right outside her door on landing?

Advice welcome! Thanks

I don't have any tidy children (DSs 14 & 15). However I expect it to be tidied and all laundry in the basket on a Friday night/Saturday morning. I do have to tell them to do it. I hoover every Saturday so their floor needs to be clear.

I do have to say, in fairness, they do need help to do it.

'tidy your room' is a very difficult thing to be told. They need to be taught how.

This thread is timed so well for me, as I've been struggling with whether to let it go, or make a fuss. I had a habit of keeping it tidy when she was younger so that we could find things, and it was less stressful for me as a working, single parent to do that. Otherwise we could get to a Friday and she wouldn't have all the things she needed to go to her Dad's, as that was clean uniform, hobby uniform, clothes etc. She'd get accused too of bringing stuff back from her Dad's that wasn't hers, so I could hand on heart say she hadn't because I'd unpack the bag and put everything away.

But she is older now and I do really want to respect her space and be less hands on with it, as she does need to learn the consequences of not being able to find things if she's messy, or have the clothes she wants to wear so I'm definite now that I'm going hands off.

We have just got ourselves a cleaner, so I'm going to tell her that if her room is tidy (or at least the floor is empty) that the cleaner will go in there, otherwise it'll be down to her. I showed the room to the cleaner yesterday and she just nodded and said "yep, normal". I love her already .

I "inspect" rooms twice a month and whether DCs pass or not affects pocket money. In between I shut my eyes! They are 9 & 11. They quite like the inspections & it does mean they just have to tidy twice a month - but if they keep it tidy, that's no chore - only the 11 yr old has cottoned onto that so far.....

I do think you've taught your dd that she doesn't have to do it herself by doing it for her to date. Why woukd she suddenly start keeping it tidy when the tidying fairy has always magically fone itbefore? I NEVER "blitz" the DCs' rooms, and never have since they were tiny.

Mine also have to strip their own beds every other week (shared care with their dad). And washing that isn't in the basket just doesn't get washed - they know that.

mine have to strip beds too, and 13 year old puts his own clean sheets back on.
They also get jobs to do round the house, not set ones, but I might say on saturday, right who is hoovering which bit, and they will baggsie the lounge or the stairs, and then they have to do it before evening tv.

OP - think of it as teaching her the life skills to live independently as an adult.

I understand the thinking behind having and expressing expectations of children...teach, train and expect it to happen...but I don't believe it.

I have 4 DC

DC1 nightmare with tidying...can't fold clothes, can't process how to tidy, organise and arrange, does not manage to do it well and gets very frustrated when we do it "together"
DC2 moderately tidy, capable but unwilling to tidy, can do it with encouragement and will do it spontaneously occasionally.
DC3 unnaturally neat, always organised, no hair out of place no toys out. Folds clothes beautifully, organises items in colour arcs. never leaves anything on floor, makes bed every morning unbidden. And always has been like this.
DC4 most like DC2.

For what it is worth I think DC2 and 4 are most "normal" DC1 is probably dyspraxic and DC3 is unusual

I am neat and tidy, I have taught them all the same (well actually I never had to teach DC3), they are a mix of girls and boys.

My solution is that they have time to do what they can, I help as necessary.

I expect DC1 will live in a pit and not notice once she leaves home,I hope she earns enough to get a cleaner! DC3 will be the next Marie Kondo and DC2 and 4 will be normal people who can and do live in pleasant environments.

ah but duracell just because we teach and train them, doesn't mean they all end up with the same skill level.

ds - clear up the floor in 10 minutes, run the hoover round, lies on bed on his phone for rest of the day.
dd1 - yes mummy I'll do it now, all day long until she finally gets round to it at 4 pm, gets frustrated because she is missing her TV show and STILL hasn't finished by dinner time. AAArgh

Don't do a blitz for her, do it with her. Then set the expectations for keeping it that way.

Has she a place for everything? So big tubs or drawers that she can chuck all her Lego / pens / whatever into when she does tidy?

Thanks everyone. It's so good to see so many of you feeling it's her job! It's made me feel a lot less guilty. Yes it probably is my fault for cleaning it for her. I do ask her to do it but still have gone in and done the lot once a month or so.

She does have enough storage, lots of drawers, toy nets etc. she does have too much stuff although we done many clear outs. She was an only child for 11 years and I think I've been doing too much! Thing is now it feels like I've backed off completely and maybe it's not fair.

You're right about beds and laundry-that should be the least she does! I'm going to help her on the weekend and give some expectations. I think a weekly clean for her and me hoovering, then her making her bed each morning and putting clothes on the wash would help massively

I said to mine when they were younger that I had no problem with cleaning their rooms but I was not going to tidy it. Hence if they tidy, I'll run the hoover round it and a damp cloth in the cleared areas of surface.

DS1 doesn't mind hovering so sometimes does his after he's tidied. I therefore will help him remake his bed after he's stripped it.

DS2 doesn't like the sound of the hoover so disappears downstairs while I do it. If he wants help with his bed then he needs to do a job for me while he is downstairs - empty the dishwasher, sweep the kitchen floor. he is a bit handless though and is definitely the messier of the two. he used to complain that it was his room and what was it to me if it was untidy. I explained that his room was in my house and I expected a reasonable standard - especially no wet towels on the carpet, no food/dishes/empty packets lying about. I told him he is building spider nests when he leaves stuff on the floor and was proved right when he picked something up and a spider ran out - then it couldn't be found because of all the crap all over the floor. he hates spiders and had to sleep in his room without knowing where it was. he's been a better since.

DH and I work full time - our house in not a perfect palace, apart from the "room of doom" spare room which needs gutted, it's somewhere in-between SS being involved and the "after" of a Kim and Aggie programme.....that'll do for me :)

My DD is nearly 18 and always was soooo messy.
She's better now but there are days you can hardly even open the door. She does have a very small room at the moment though.
But she does a good blitz and does her washing etc about once a week now.
It takes time and you do have to step back and you do have to keep on at them and they get the message eventually.

*Lucyccfc My dd has been tidying her own stuff up from as soon as she was able to get it out of a tub to play with it.

She sounds like the op's daughter. Starting them young isn't a fool proof way of ensuring messy won't happen.

OP, I have given up...my Grandma once told me that it could be because it's her space & that she is in control of it, when in her life, she is in fact, in control of very little. So I let her have that control on her own space. And I shut the door when it gets too much to look at!

I let it go, and the last few months we have seen improvement.

Mess and clutter increases stress Only if you let it. My dd isn't at all stressed! She is way to busy drawing or ready to tidy up...and it is more important to me to help encourage her passions than to make sure her socks are in the wash.

*too