to expect 12 year old to keep room tidy?

[Jw35]

Hi posting here for traffic!
My 12 year old dd is very messy. She has the biggest room in in the house (because she has the most stuff and I wanted her to) and she has a bed as well as a sofa bed in there used as a sofa.

Last summer When she was in Paris with the school, I made her room special for her, got some ikea storage units and new bedding, new large fluffy rug and furnishings. It looked lovely and she was over the moon. She has a cute sleeping area and 'lounge' area.

I used to tidy up for her every month or so, having a blitz in there and chucking things out. However she's supposed to do the basics-laundry in basket, no rubbish on floor etc.

Since I had another baby a year ago I've withdrawn from these blitz episodes and it always looks a tip! Clothes and towels everywhere, bed messy, toys and pens etc scattered on the floor. Bin overflowing and it's getting me down!

I have a one year old now and I'm 10 weeks pregnant and feeling shattered! What is fair in this situation? I feel guilty that I haven't cleaned for her in about a year properly and I'm also not sure what discipline is appropriate for clothes and towels on floor? Does she need a laundry basket even though there's one right outside her door on landing?

Advice welcome! Thanks

Mm. I know what you're saying but I worry she feels a bit neglected! I suppose it's a guilt thing. I think I'll go in and do the following daily: make bed, empty bin, pick up laundry. On a Sunday I'll send her up for a tidy then I'll Hoover it! She used to like my blitzes but I'm too tired these days, especially in the first trimester.

Good grief - you must have more time on your hands than I thought you had, reading P1.
DO NOT make her bed/empty the bin / pick up laundry daily!!!
If laundry isn't in the basket, then it doesn't get washed - they do learn, eventually.
Just shut the door and leave her to it. It's her room and not your job to tidy it.

It's normal!

My DD is very untidy and would have gone mad if I had gone in and tidied it up! In any case, it is up to her how her bedroom looks as long as it isn't a health-hazard! She is now 16 and is slightly tidier - I think she is realising that it is nicer to have a tidy room and also easier to find stuff if she puts it away in a sensible place.

Don't feel guilty.

2 teenage sons sharing a bedroom. Pigsty. They clean it up maybe once a fortnight or so. Shit tip again within half an hour.

Goodness, don't do that! I don't do that for my 6yo! If she wants to make her bed, or not, that's up to her. Why does the bin need emptying daily? Laundry should be her responsibility. I think you need to give get some space and some responsibility and control.

The trick is to teach them to tidy up as they go

she is 12. she should be making her own bed, binning her own rubbish and putting her own lau dry in the basket.

Agree with the above advice that children need to start young. Learning how to keep things tidy and organised is not innate, it has to be taught, nicely of course, and it can be hard to do. Plenty of adults - both women and men - never learn how to keep on top of mess without a big effort.

DD1 (10) was not taught early how to keep her things in order, and as a result she turned into an absolute hoarder. She is much better now: she no longer loses her school books, pens, pencils etc in what used to be her disaster area of a bedroom, but I still need to keep the pressure on.

They don't make their beds yet, but I am starting to get them to do this.

My kids tidy their rooms each evening, however, I wouldn't if I didn't give them a mixture of inducements and threats.

My ten year old dts have each got to make their bed and put their clothes away or in the laundry. I also expect them to keep their desks and toys tidy.

I find its a management task, so as long as I remember to send them off, it gets done.

If I forget, crap starts accruing. My next mission is to sort their drawers out, and then I'll do an inspection every now and then. They like the inspection part (if they've done it well) as they feel chuffed with the praise of a job well done.

Sometimes they'll grumble a bit, but they get on with it. I think it's really important for them to do what they can for themselves.

I am in awe of anyone who manages to get anyone to tidy anything, frankly. I don't count myself as a tidy person, but I'm Tidy Superwoman compared to my dh and ds.

I stopped bothering about it years ago. If they run out of pants, they know what to do and it is their problem. Communal areas like living room and kitchen have a standard level of acceptable that they both just about manage, and I'm working on my own and dh's bedroom, but anything else is fair game.

It is a bit easier now that ds has gone to uni. When I'm feeling brave, I blitz the odd room.

ffs, I'm 58 and I can't get it right!
By all means train your dd, it will set her up for life, but do it with rewards.
On MN this week, yours isn't the first thread where a DM has made/planned a room for her dd. Now, how much say did the dds get in those rooms? Sweet FA as far as I can see. That's your room then, not hers.
Why not ask her if she wants to rearrange, if she needs any extra storage? Or minor design changes, soft furnishings etc? Show her a magazine photo of a well-kept room and tell her, warmly, that you'd love her room to look as lovely as that.
Do get her a laundry basket and make sure she knows what has to be hand washed, and what goes in the machine. Then tell her when she can use the sink and the machine and let her get on with it. She'll value the privacy.

My 12 yo ds is messy, though he is also good at putting his clothes in the basket / towel on rail / side of bath and brings drinks bottles etc down if he takes them up. But you can tell where he's been iyswim.
My 6yo dd is tidy. Always clears away after herself wherever she is and bedroom is perfect.
I reckon it's part of their character, though you can help by setting some house rules.

Going against the grain here but she needs to be taught to keep her space tidy. I never was, it was always just fine that my room was messy and I've struggled with messiness into adulthood and had to self teach if you like that it's not the norm.

I'd go with Doreen's suggestion and if you could get someone to sit with your 1 year old maybe go sit in her room and talk whilst she sorts it all out, it may be a little overwhelming for her to do by herself. Support and get her to clean her mess, maybe a little bedtime routine of asking if she has laundry/dishes in her room to bring down. There's enough going on when you're 12 to have to live in a mess on top of it.

My mum used to cut with me in the room whist I tidied at that age, and maybe helped a bit eg folded clean clothes. That way it wasn't such a boring task.

Oh mum would also kind of direct the proceedings a bit to make the task less overwhelming like "let's start with finding all the dirty clothes, now let's put away the clean clothes - doesn't this look so much better already! Now your desk..." Etc

My twopennorth

• it's normal
• why does it need to be tidy? just shut the door
• you want them to see you as their housemaid?
• make it their responsibility - laundry on the floor? that's where it stays. No clean clothes? what a shame. Want to keep their room the way they want it and private? don't leave dirty cups/plates etc in there

If you have a child cramming for Oxbridge and playing hockey for England who genuinely doesn't have time to tidy and is distressed by untidiness then by all means tidy for her. But otherwise, it's all part of the joy of teenagers.

My 12 yo is the same. Just close door on it. Or maybe she needs less stuff since she can't keep it clean.

I think it does matter. Mess and clutter increases stress - how much nicer is it to be in a tidy room (even if you don't like the actual process of tidying!).

Dd is naturally tidy, but she has phases of not being, especially if she's been busy. We just have the rule it needs to be hygienic. So no piles of stinking muddy sportswear left festering, but clothes draped over chairs etc is fine. But I'll only iron things once, so if the top she tried on once is left in a crumpled heap, she needs to iron it next time she wants to wear it. Likewise I only wash clothes put in the basket. I'll change bedding, but if beds left covered in hair stuff/ clothes/ make up etc she has to do it. Ditto vacuuming and dusting etc, I'll do it if it's clear, if not she either does it or it stays dirty. Any plates, food can't be left to rot, but she can leave other stuff where she likes. Providing that she doesn't expect me to replace stuff if one of the cats destroys tights/ pens/ takes stuff etc left lying about.

I struggle with this - have DD who's 14 and DS who is 12. I now make a distinction between being tidy and being dirty / completely disrespectful.

So crockery comes downstairs to the dishwasher daily. Rubbish goes in bins and dirty clothes in a laundry bag. Consequences if this doesn't happen otherwise I turn a blind eye.

About the same as Lurkedforever1 actually!

I am having a similar issue with DD8. Just started making her do a by each day. She now has to tidy her room for ten mins each night just put rubbish in bin, clothes away, things away she has got out , remove empty cups and makes her bed each morning. No food allowed in her room as it would stay there for days(disgusting).
I did do a massive sort out with her before we started this so it didn't seem too big a task for her.

I read the thread title and just laughed out loud at the idea of a voluntarily tidy 12 year old.

My 3 are all hopeless. But things have got better in the last year, after I got fed up of nagging and then ending up having to do it.
These things have helped:

1. making sure there is enough storage so that everything does actually have somewhere to go when it is tidy.
2. making them part of that process so they choose that the Barbies go in the box under the bed but the Sylvanians go in the box on the bookshelf.
3. I had to teach them to sort and tidy. I realise this after one very frustrating day with my 10 year old. So, I showed her how to take the things out of the drawer, and sort them into throw away, keep, and then put back the ones to keep. This sounds basic, but she was hopeless, just moving piles from one place to another.
4. They each have a basket for stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else, so they can chuck it in the odds and sods basket. This gets cleaned out every few months of when it is full. (it is full of crap I would chuck away, but they want to keep)
5. I now never say tidy your room, but I give specific tasks eg

• put all the clean clothes away
• pick up the Sylvanians and put them away.
• put the dressing up things in the box
• pick up all the soft toys and put them back on the shelf.

I usually give out 3 items at once and when they are done, three more.

I choose a moment - for us it it often Friday pm as they finish school earlier, and I say, no friends round, no TV, PS3, screens etc this weekend until your jobs are done.
I sometimes write them each a list, and it would usually end with hoovering the floor, so the focus is on getting it clear to clean. As soon as it is hoovered dd2 (8) gets her Sylvanian game back out again!

It has made a difference, we are making progress, but on a daily basis their rooms are a mess. I figure that is their space, their mess. So as long as it gets sorted every couple of weeks, and the floor hoovered, we compromise.

We have a chart on the fridge and each child is allocated a downstairs room on rotation and I say it's tidy up time just before dinner and they check 'their' room and make a passable effort at it. I then just need to do small things after dinner. Plates to the sink, laundry in the. Basket, towels hung up and beds made are all expected. I also massively de cluttered their rooms so it only takes a minute or two each day before bed (again as part of routine). With washing, once it is dry I fling it in their colour coded baskets and they have to put it away in the right draws/hang up. If they come to me complaining that they have no clothes I say well I washed it is you choose to stash it somewhere rather than put it away properly so you can find it then it isn't my problem! They then usually find said item!

They are ten, eight and five. I expect it all to go to pot once the teen years hit!

She's 12, not 2 and totally capable of hoovering herself, not to mention making her bed, if she so wishes. OF course she likes your blitzes, who wouldn't like if magical cleaning fairies appeared and house was suddenly spotless - but she's old enough to blitz herself.

just seen your post about make her bed, empty her bin and pick up her laundry

WHAT???

of everything, these are the very things that she should be doing for herself.
My 8 year old has to do this, and has had to for a while.

if you don't put it in the laundry it doesn't get washed. To be fair I do say to them - have you put stuff in the laundry and send them to get it. It has been ingrained in them since they were small.

On bin day, dh will say to them all - I'm putting out the rubbish, if you want your bins emptied, bring them down. If they don't they don't get emptied (but they do know that no wet rubbish should go in bedroom bins, so no banana skins which would smell)

beds - mine remain unmade in they don't make them. In fact my 13 year old hates it if I make his bed. But they all like the cat sleeping on their bed, and I am pretty strict about the cat not sleeping on bottom sheets, so they do tend to fling the duvet over so the cat can sleep on it.

A new one for us is that they have to open their own curtains in the morning, once dressed, we have been at this for about 2 months and we are nearly at the point where they are doing it.

As they come down for school, I ask - teeth, bed and curtains??? and they trudge back up to do it.