Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Child free wedding

73 replies

mouldycheesefan · 05/01/2016 10:14

had an invite to a wedding of one of dh relatives in with a Xmas card. It didn't specify who was invited so checked with groom he clarified no kids invited. Not a problem.
Dh updated sil about this. She had planned to bring her son. She now is going to ask the bride about the child free rule.
Aibu in thinking she shouldn't do this? Groom has said no kids except their own. Sil is wanting to circumnavigate this by asking bride thus putting bride and groom in awkward position.
I am cross that she is doing this! Accept that they do not want kids there! NB it is not a childcare issue as her dh won't be going they live abroad and it would be too costly for them all to go. So sometimes when an event she just brings one of her children they take it in turns. They do also all come together a couple times per year.

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2016 19:30

Wow three times.

Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 20:37

Viola, for the second time today -

TheSecondViola · 07/01/2016 20:51

Are you just following me to give me biscuits? It really is too sweet of you, but I'm on a diet.

Ragwort · 07/01/2016 20:57

I think it is irritating if some children are allowed and some are not - I've mentioned this before on Mumsnet but we were invited to a wedding a few years ago that was 'child free' - fine, no problem, we arranged child care and were looking forward to enjoying an 'adult' occasion with friends - only to be sat on a table with other people's children - which was, to be totally honest, tedious and boring.

HamaTime · 07/01/2016 21:04

Don't understand how it is OK for OP's DH to ask but if his sister asks then it's putting them in an awkward position.

witsender · 07/01/2016 21:05

How old is the child?

xmasseason · 07/01/2016 21:09

If there were no names on the invitations I think a lot of people will bring children. If it does occur to people to find out either way, then yes it's fine to contact the bride and groom, because they didn't make it clear on the invitation.

Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 23:02

Don't flatter yourself Viola love, you just had two shitty posts, s'all.

TheSecondViola · 07/01/2016 23:05

And yet I get biscuits. You want to read the chapter on Pavlovs dogs again, I don't think you'e quite got it....

BackforGood · 07/01/2016 23:11

Like Hamatime - I don't see why it was ok for your dh to e-mail and ask them , but when your SiL is doing it, it is somehow "putting the bride in an awkward position

As she has already been informed, then it seems a bit daft, but no reason for you to be cross about it - it's between her and the bride & groom.

However, if the B&G just put invitaions inside Christmas cards without writing on them who thy were actually inviting, then there is bound to be a lot of confusion from lots of people, so they've only really got themselves to blame.

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/01/2016 23:15

mouldycheesefan, is it bothering you that you and your DH have unmistakably been told 'no children' via the groom ... but, by not accepting that secondhand information and instead approaching the bride, SIL might just be told 'okay bring your kids'?

If SIL's hope of talking the bride round is successful, you couldn't really hope do the same, having already been categorically been told 'no children' by the groom and having accepted his decision.

KathyCantDoInteriors · 08/01/2016 01:39

For me it depends how old the child is she wishes to bring. A single 12 year old is better than a dozen toddlers.

Original poster

mouldycheesefan · 08/01/2016 07:42

Dish Best eaten cold, yes that is what was bothering me. I would not dream of taking the kids now regardless of whether sil takes any of hers, as I know the groom definitely wants a kid free wedding. I expect there will be kids there as not everyone who received an invitation will have checked whether the invite includes kids. People will assume that as there are no names on the invitation and it doesn't specify no kids, that kids are invited. Likely the staff will be trying to fit extra people in the tables on the day.
On the upside it has saved me a lot of money in flights and accommodation!
What will be galling will be relatives asking on the day why dh didn't bring the kids!

OP posts:

TheSecondViola · 08/01/2016 08:50

So really its all about you and not, as you stated,about the bride being put in an awkward position. Post makes much sense that way.

MrNoseybonk · 08/01/2016 09:02

Maybe the SIL wants to check that the bride wants a child free wedding and it isn't just a unilateral choice by the groom without the bride's agreement?

Bunbaker · 08/01/2016 09:13

"I don't know if this is an age thing (i am over 50), and i really don't get the no kids at wedding thing,"

Neither do I. If we had had a no kids wedding we would have had a bout 3 guests there.

Original poster

mouldycheesefan · 08/01/2016 09:22

No I maintain sil is putting bride in an awkward position. By asking her if she can bring kids when groom has already said no kids. NB she hardly knows bride has perhaps met her once. She is just hoping for a different answer. Like when children are told no sweets by mum so they ask dad. If she was going back to groom saying, look I know you don't want kids but can you make an exception, I wouldn't have an issue with it. But it feels like she is totally disregarding grooms wishes. I think his preference for no kids supersedes her wish to bring one of hers. It's his day not hers!

OP posts:

TheSecondViola · 08/01/2016 17:31

You got the invite and rang the groom. She's got the invite and rang the bride. No difference. You're just afraid she'l get a different answer than you and you'll be pissed off.
She's not disregarding the grooms wishes, she hasn't spoken to the groom according to you, so really its all just opinion (yours).

BackforGood · 08/01/2016 18:00

Don't think it's an age thing. I'm just over 50 and there were very rarely kids at wedding when I was an age to go to loads of weddings (so throughout the 80s and in to the 90s).
From previous MN threads, I think there might be a 'regional' thing to it maybe ???

MrsKoala · 08/01/2016 18:13

I think it's fine to ask, if you do it graciously. We have had this numerous times. Declined a 'no-child' invitation only to be told later by b&g that if we had have said we couldn't go they would have made an exception or be told that babes in arms weren't included in the 'no-child' rule (it depends if it's for space saving reasons or because you don't want dc there at all). And other friends have had the opposite, turned up with a babe in arms thinking as it was okay as not taking up a seat only to be given the face of thunder from the b&g.

Therefore with every ambiguous child free invitation i would clarify with the b&g.

Headofthehive55 · 08/01/2016 18:18

I think families go in cycles, sometimes there are lots of children sometimes few.
It depends on the age of the couple getting wed. If you are the youngest of the family and your siblings have all had children...
Or if you were later than your friends to get married...

My cousins just had a child free do. Unfortunately for the groom, most of his extended family didn't go, Christmas, no childcare, but the bride had hers as few children. The wedding consisted mainly of her friends.

MrsKoala · 08/01/2016 18:23

I remember when i was about 12-13 my parents friends got married and they said no children on the invitation. Mum and dad went without me, only for the b&g (who had known me from birth) to ask where i was. When M&D said it's a child free wedding. They said 'we didn't mean Koala, she's not a child, we meant little kids'. So had they have asked they would have been told i could go. A lot of people just don't say what they really mean on invitations.

LadyLuck81 · 08/01/2016 18:37

You need to just leave your SIL to it sorting things out. How do you know how she's going to ask?

We rsvp'd to a wedding once that H would go but I couldn't (it was kid free and I was breastfeeding, I was fine with it, zero issue) only to have time groom speak to H and ask why and when we explained for my daughter to be invited. I was THAT person with a kid at a child free wedding. Oops.

Flip

1 2 3