Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not going to change my mind this time but for future reference, WIBU?

56 replies

VintageDresses · 04/01/2016 16:14

12yo (yr8) DS2 is not happy.

He got in from school 3:45pm and wanted to go "into town" to spend his Christmas money.

I said no because:

  • It's a 2 mile walk each way, which he's done alone before but it would be dark before he got there today, let alone back.
  • I didn't want him going alone with £60 in his pocket, dark or not.
  • I know it's his money, but he wants to wander round until he finds something to spend/waste it on, rather than having any specific wants IYSWIM. I think he needs to value his spending money more.

Personally, I think any one of those reasons would be good enough, he disagrees. Would you have let your 12yo go?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/01/2016 16:52

I wouldn't have let my 13 year old DS take £60 with him, but probably would with £20. Would it have been easier for him to go to town straight from school, as that's what most of the kids from DS's school do. Very few would come home and then go to town, but I accept this is a geographical and/or transport issue.

Helloitsme90 · 04/01/2016 16:52

Not on a Monday, first day back at school. Wait till the weekend. He needs to get back into school routine (just my opinion)

Janeymoo50 · 04/01/2016 16:55

No but only because I'd no doubt get a phone call at 5pm asking for a lift home. I would have said yes in the summer (with £20 only).

ohtheholidays · 04/01/2016 16:57

No not at that time and on a school night.

At the weekend in the day,if he does spend it on rubbish just make sure that he knows once the money is gone that's it it's gone you won't replace the money if he decides what he's bought he no longer wants.

Boogers · 04/01/2016 16:58

My DS is also 12 and there is no way on this earth I would allow him to do what your DS wanted to do! You are not being unreasonable!

As a compromise, could you go into town at the weekend and allow him to spend his money then? DS also has a similar amount of Christmas money but given to himself he'd spend it all on FIFA points, which is fair enough as it's his money, but when he then comes asking for a couple of quid to buy a magazine and a few quid to but a 2nd hand game that's when it comes back to Christmas money and birthday money and pocket money!

PurpleHairAndPearls · 04/01/2016 16:59

Yes wood I can see if rural it may be different. I think I would worry more about traffic and lack of visibility then.

It also depends on the 12 yr old too I suppose, they're all different. Generally though I think the earlier you foster independence and common sense, the better still attempting this with mine Grin

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/01/2016 17:12

All the people saying "take him into town at the weekend" are your 12 year olds not allowed to go into town or whatever alone?

Or is it just because of the darkness that you would say no?

Italiangreyhound · 04/01/2016 17:40

I agree with FairyFluffbum re I would let him "waste" it on what he wanted but at a weekend when he could shop in the light as opposed to dark. I would also say to look on the Intranet first for offers, etc and then either buy via Internet or go into town on Saturday.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2016 17:47

Only one person (unless I've missed a couple of posts) has explained why they wouldn't allow this due to darkness?

What happens during a normally busy time such as 4.30 to 6.30pm during darkness, that doesn't happen when it's light?

Assuming you don't live in a poorly lit rural area?

unlucky83 · 04/01/2016 17:49

Hmmm - last week my DD (nearly 15) wanted to go into town (actually a small city, a 5 mile bus ride away) at just gone 3pm...on her own.
I wasn't 100% comfortable with it -
I definitely didn't want her to take her cash point card (she has about £150 in that account) but mainly cos I didn't want her to be seen queueing at the cash point - or seem like she had cash to flash ...(I loaned her £20)
I used to live somewhere (as an adult) where mugging was quite common - I would choose which cash machine to use and be very aware of who was around me etc and where I went after taking money out...not sure many even 15 yos have the same level of awareness (mine doesn't).
As an adult (same area) I've felt threatened by someone begging ...following me and blocking my path etc. (A desperate junkie I guess - they showed me their arms - their skin condition that needed medication - except I could also see the fresh track marks.)
We live in a naice suburb but the local town has its fair share of problems - in the loos of one shopping centre you used to find discarded needles etc (they put uv lights in)...and I have been hassled on the street for £2 'petrol money' etc ..not as bad as where I used to live but still....even if she wasn't hurt I don't want her to be badly frightened.

Also a pack of teens can be really awful to one teen on their own. (There are youtube videos to prove that) And my DD has been bullied at school - she could run into a pack of the bullies.

I breathed a sigh of relief when she got back (in the dark) at 6pm.
I am perfectly happy for her to go with friends -even one friend - safety in numbers and all that...but on her own...
I think you were right not to let him go - and say if he does he goes with a friend. And also considers what he wants to spend his money on....

TenTinyTadpoles · 04/01/2016 18:13

Reason 1 and 2 would be a show stopper here. Reason 3, well I hope that they wouldn't waste it but at 12 it's exciting to have so much money, I'd have done the same at his age. Here the DCs are told encouraged to save half of any money that they get for something that they will want to buy later, at least until they are older. My older teenagers make their own decisions of course.

senua · 04/01/2016 18:23
  1. Why does he want to go shopping today. Why didn't he do it on Saturday? Poor planning.
  2. Also, I would suggest splitting the money so he doesn't spend it all in one go.
  3. No. It's a school night.
SanityClause · 04/01/2016 18:26

Worra, we are in greater London, but our DS would have to walk through woods to get home, and cross busy roads, in the dark.

Perhaps because it's woods, people think they're in the countryside, and drive like loons.

In fact, though, just thinking about it, I used to ask my DDs to call or text just before they got to the bus stop, and I would go and get them, and do the woods bit with them, so actually, I probably would say yes, provided he did that.

BackforGood · 04/01/2016 18:32

I realise I'm out of step with MN thinking on quite a lot of things, Wink but I'm interested. If you are someone who says "It's their money, let them spend it on whatever tat they want", don't you feel that, as parents, we have a responsibility to guide them somewhat? I don't mean 'have the final say', but have a chat about where they could get something at a better price, or,, if they save 2/3 of it now, they will have it in the future when there might be something they really want, or, giving them some indication of quite how much money that is (16 hours work in a NMW job when you are U18), etc. ?
All my dc have used their money at some point to buy things I woldn't have myself - that's part of growing up, learning about money, showing you have your own tastes which are likely to be different from your parents, etc., but they've all thought about the purchases first and done a bit of investigating, and had an awareness of other things they could spend it on / save for, so they've made a conscious choice about it.

sarah2011 · 04/01/2016 18:35

I wouldn't have allowed it and I think all your reasons for saying no make perfect sense. However I sympathise with his money burning a hole in his pocket syndrome, so perhaps if he Is that desperate the spend, and in an attempt to get him to be more sensible with his spending could he perhaps order something online this eve? X

Original poster
VintageDresses · 04/01/2016 18:50

He's a shopper, he enjoys the act of shopping more than he enjoys having new stuff. The concept of shopping as a leisure activity is completely alien to me and something of a worry for his financial future imo. We have discussed shopping around and getting a better price on line on many occasions, but he's not interested/listening.

Was definitely going on his own and it's probably the idea of coming across groups of other children/teens (after school, dark or not) that was making me most uneasy, now I've thought about it some more.

I'm only guessing, but I'd say he wanted to go tonight rather than last week because we're back to term time screen rules, rather than the very lax screen controls last week while I was ill Grin

OP posts:
TeaFathers · 04/01/2016 19:11

no.
its a school night.

Boogers · 04/01/2016 19:12

Tantrums - in a word, no. DS travels to school on a contract bus and hasn't been into town without me and DH. Give it another few months when he's wanting to go to the park in town with his mates from school then I'll have no problem with that, just so long as he phones me if there's a problem. I say no both because he'd be on his own and because it's dark right now. The road to town is 2 miles of unlit pavement next to scrubland just above the river Wear. He then has to cross 4 lanes of dual carriageway. Not happening.

FairyFluffbum · 04/01/2016 19:27

Considering a man was jumped by a group of youths and killed last year (and was released without without charge and their identities hidden) and now another man was jumped by a group of youths yet to be identified I would rather not let my children roam after dark

wannabestressfree · 04/01/2016 19:41

What ever? :/

Blu · 04/01/2016 19:46

Around here boys are quite vulnerable to having their phones taken off them - I would not be happy about a 12 year old walking about with £60 cash.

But from Yr 7 they are on and off the bus and all over the place. I think it depends a lot on the circumstances and you make a judgement according to yours.

Boogers · 04/01/2016 19:48

Wannabe - my 6-year-old says 'whatever' quite often, though it's recently been replaced by 'whatevs'. Are you 6?

Asskicker · 04/01/2016 19:53

Do you all live in rural areas where the streets are badly lit?

I do. Dd in year 7 has to be driven to school. There is no bus and the 2.5 mile walk to school is unlit with no footpath for most of it.

A bus into town takes 1hour there and 1 hour back.

Personally I let my kids spend their Christmas money in whatever they want. That wouldn't bother me.

Dd is more likely to loose it though, so her having a large amount of money would bother me.

AmysTiara · 04/01/2016 20:04

Er boogers wannabe was asking the pp a question. She was not saying "whatever" so need for your sarky comment

FairyFluffbum · 04/01/2016 20:24

I know boogers....

There was not enough evidence and if I remember correctly the youths were under 16.. Ill see if I can find a link.

Will out my area though