To be scared witless!

[redjoker]

Have been with OH for 4 years, house, secure job, all very lovely so thinking of first baby. Came on MN last night to look at some discussions about 'advice for new mothers/if only I knew what I know now' and am now freaking slightly

OH is in the military so only home at weekends, mother is 3 hours away but do have a good MIL and 2 sister in laws both pregnant (plus 2 other sister in laws with children under 5)

Is it really as lonely and horrid as MN says- had sleepless night after reading comments but know that joy of newborn/your own child has to be worth it RIGHT??

It doesn't have to be lonely.

It's not fun if the dad is away all week, BUT you know about it, so you will be prepared for it. You can try to call each other every day, just keep in touch, same with your friends and family. At least, you won't have to take care of your husband during the week: no laundry/ cooking/ baby routine disturbed by daddy's arrival from work...

You might find it a bit unsettling when he is finally home! He needs to be prepared to help a lot over the weekend, and not to just rest on his days off. I think that is the hardest part, some dads do not realise how exhausted you can be.

There are a lot of groups for new mums everywhere. If you go to an NCT class, you can make really good friends going through the same things. The groups might sound your idea of hell now, but they force you to get out of the house and discuss baby issues. They are not mandatory, nothing wrong with being on your own.

You will be fine. Some babies sleep like angels, others don't. Ask for a lot help after the birth, so you bounce back from it quickly.

Thanks all; talking to one of my best mates who has just had baby and is in OZ with no friends or family- I guess if she can I can.. maybe just need to push myself to do classes etc

feels like a big leap to start trying

wondering if I should have that tour of Canada and America I always dreamed of first

she dreams

PLEASE, please make sure you either marry this 'OH' or put in proper legal protection if you are planning to be a SAHM and financially reliant on him after you have children.

This is hard to answer.
Some people don't like it and others thrive being a mother.
Some people don't plan on being a single mum but have it thrust upon them.
Some people have 'easy' babies while others have issues with allergies, reflux and many many other things that can happen.
Some babies will sleep through at 3 months and some take more than 3 years.
Some people have easy births and others have a nightmare time of it.
We are all very different so no one story will be the same.

That with bells on.

The very good thing is that you know where you weaknesses are (living like a hermit) so it will much easier to tackle those. Especially as you have some SIL with young dcs who will know which groups are the nicest, what is going on etc etc...

Fwiw, I had dc1 within a year of moving to the UK. I had no friends whatsoever here. DH was away half of the time, incl at weekends.
Yes I found it hard. But it was hard because I had no idea of how things worked, no idea toddlers even existed (and no my HV didn't say anything). I had a child who was unhappy etc etc.
And despite all the difficulties I've had (like any other mum btw), I have no regret at all and would do it all again.

You are very young so you have loads of time.
Don't rush into anything.
Take your time.
You can do research but it's pretty pointless.
Everyone is different and everyone's experience is unique.
But as a PP has said, you should marry or get paperwork in place to protect yourself and your DC as and when you have them.

Having children was was far worse than I expected but far better too.
And yes, get married ASAP.

I have 2 dcs almost 10 years apart. Dd was a very easy baby plus I was back at work very (too) quickly. Despite being a single parent I never felt isolated.

When ds came along I was working feom home so.already feeling a little isolated. He wasn't the easiest of babies and for the first 6 months dp was away mon-fri. I found it slightly more difficult than what I had imagined it in my head.

What helped was making sure we had somewhere to go at least a couple of times a week. So at first it was the baby clinics, then I started slimming world. Plus town and shopping for bits and pieces. I was without a car for the first 6 months so that limited me a bit more but I managed.

Now he is 2 things are much better. We do some playgroups and softplay places. Walk the dog etc etc. And he is really good company which helps!

bimandbam thats nice to hear- think im the sort of person who is happy with the same (dog walks, shopping, and slimming world for my syns- se what i did there)

on the marriage front- we are engaged; but really, and OH is aware of this ive never really wanted to get married. parents hated each other and just always as a kid resented the 'wedding/marriage' thing

what other legal 'backup' do I need- advice welcome

wondering if I should have that tour of Canada and America I always dreamed of first

YES!!!

And I agree about marriage first! I don't understand why people commit to a child, who is forever, without thinking about spending their lives together first and discussing how they plan their lives, raising the kids etc.. but that's just me.
On a more practical note, it's much easier to plan a selfish wedding and honeymoon when it's just about the 2 of you! You can't spend hundred of pounds on a dress or a luxury honeymoon when you have kids, they come first.

Having children was was far worse than I expected but far better too.

This! It was harder than I expected (not difficult, just hard work) but more rewarding than I thought it would be. I only have the one child (almost 2) and not really planning more but I wouldn't worry too much, I too read all of the horror stories before having my DS and panicked but forewarned is forearmed and all that. DH works late shifts so Mon-Fri I have to do dinner, play, bath and bed on my own and have done since DS was 2 weeks old and I got on with it easily enough, it's actually quite liberating being the only person doing it as you set your own routine and there's no-one getting in the way. I'm often surprised when I speak to women with DC who are worried about having to do the bedtime routine on their own for a night because their DH is out...

The only thing you may struggle with is the nights as there'll be no-one to share the load with/dump baby with in the morning whilst you go for a nap but if you have in-laws close by I'm sure they'll be happy to help out if/when you have a crap night.

Don't be a hermit with the baby though, check out your local Children's Centre and join the groups, go to Baby Sensory/Sing & Sign etc. I had no friends with babies (and my friends were pretty useless at keeping in touch once they'd had the obligatory first meet/hold of DS) so had to make some new friends pretty quickly, having that support group of people who are just as knackered/pissed off/delighted that baby has smiled for the first time etc as you is invaluable!

If you don't like the whole wedding thing then you NEED to go to a solicitor and get things drawn up- wills etc are the most important thing.

Please don't have DC until you have sorted this.

If you want to make new friends for the baby years, you can and will. Any previous hermit-like tendencies won't necessarily apply.
I have hermit-like tendencies too but I found when I had babies and toddlers that it was well worth having other mothers and children around, and there are mechanisms set up (like NCT classes, baby groups, etc) to bring you into contact with other people in your situation.

I'm not a baby person; am rather an introvert; am more a thinker than a doer; and love my sleep. For these reasons I would never pretend that having babies is easy. On the other hand, I would definitely testify that it is worth it! (Mine are 6 and 4 now: sleep all night (mostly), are continent, witty, caring, brilliant human beings and are joy joy joy)

Bakeoffcake Yes wills already being planned and due to get this done- OH has one due to work but getting it changed to make me next of kin; he has been quite insistent that I get mine sorted ASAP

HowBadIsThisPlease :am rather an introvert; am more a thinker than a doer; and love my sleep. This is me in a sentence: glad it isn't just me!

Start a thread asking about the nice bits

I think you are right to be scared, as it is one of the great leaps of faith in life. You have to decide to commit to at least 18 years of parenting, with absolutely no idea of how you are going to take to it when it happens, or what sort of child you are going to have. I think any sane person would find that terrifying and want to give it a lot of thought.

My experience has been that it brings far more positives to my life than negatives, and I can honestly say it is the best thing I've ever done, but I know that not everyone feels that way, and you can't give them back!

18!! Hahahaha.
My parents were hoping for that no doubt.
But bless them they are still doing things for us even now and we are all over 45.
I didn't leave home until I was 26.
My DD is 18 very soon and I can't imagine her moving out any time soon.

But seriously OP. You can't worry too much about what others have been through or are going through.

Do what you and your DP think is right.

Having baby and being home alone for most of week can be scary, dull and isolating but equally can be enjoyable and very special.

I second what others have said about getting married or having a legal understanding of some sorts. The wedding side of things doesn't have to be the whole meringue and a horse drawn carriage, it can be a simple registry office wedding with just the needed witnesses.

Once you are married you will have far more access to the support services that military welfare can provide if things go wrong. In the worst case scenario if you split up it is easier to access to the maintenance your child is entitled too.

I know this might seem now something that would not happen to you but I have seen it happen to many friends out here, many of these friends have really benefited from the military's attitude to supporting families.

I was going to ask if you live together and had any plans to marry ? I would not have a baby with someone in the military WITHOUT being married.

Life is hard anyway for military wives, and would be even harder if you wern't. You would have no automatic right to be with him

Do some research into the protection marriage gives you. I'm sure there are layers I'm not aware of re being a military wife.

Doesnt help that OH has emotional range of an orange- and thinks ppl with depression 'should cheer up'. Any suggestions on preparing him for my emotional ups and downs without just wacking him on the head?

This has alarm bells ringing. Has your OH been truly empathetic and supportive of you when you were going through a tough time? Having babies is tough and PND isn't cured by being told to cheer up. Or have you only been together during "lovely" times.

How do you plan to work if he's away during the week? Child minder? Nursery?

When DD was born DH worked away - he was only home from late Friday night to Sunday teatime each week. My parents lived thousands of miles away in another country, inlaws hundreds of miles away (thank fuck). My nearest relative was over 200 miles away.

I had a traumatic birth and exclusively expressed (best and worst of breast and bottle feeding) abd pretty much all of my energy went into looking after DD. Where friends would clean or do chores during nap time, I was napping with DD. I wouldn't have got through each day otherwise.

I had a great set of mummy friends I met through NCT classes. They kept me sane and 5+ years later they're still my tribe (and DD is closer to those children than her own cousins). It was bloody hard work, but over in the blink of an eye.

A few rough times- a major one that showed me he didn't cope well with emotions or knowing what to say to me- thinking of being honest and talking to him about the possibility that he may have to try and see it from my angle and understand it will be a bit of a roller-coaster

needless to say he does surprise me often - just when i think he is made of ice he does says something totally unexpected- there is potential i just need to make it all very clear; and be sure

DisappointedOne- sounds like a very tough time- really nice to hear you came out of the other side so to speak

If your OH is in the military I would strongly suggest you get married. A military spouse has rights and entitlements that you won't have as a girlfriend, even if you have a child together. Making wills and him listing you as his NOK is not enough.

You would also be entitled to a quarter which may mean living together rather than just weekending, which is hard as a parent. (But I appreciate it may not be feasible to move where he is working if you have a job, family etc).

to put things into context: being married to a civilian might mean a husband who leaves home at 7am, and comes back between 8 and 10pm Monday to Friday, and doesn't do any baby night shift because he is exhausted.

No-one is looking for excuses, but this is the situation most of my friends and I have to deal with. Most of us end up sleeping in the spare room with a baby to let our hubby sleep. We're happy to, you just try to do what's best for everybody.

my point is that being completely alone during the week can sound much harder than it really is, the input of working dad is sometimes next to nothing.

It is 100% worth it (and I say that as an very old mum with a child with significant special needs). Not easy, but what worthwhile life choice ever is?

'Doesnt help that OH has emotional range of an orange- and thinks ppl with depression 'should cheer up'. Any suggestions on preparing him for my emotional ups and downs without just wacking him on the head?'

My top tip: don't have a child with this person just now. Not that you'll listen. But the entire thrust of this thread - you've been together for 4 years and it's 'lovely' so straight to having a child together, the fact that the pair of you haven't considered the ramifications of one being in teh military and having a child whilst not married, statements like this: 'A few rough times- a major one that showed me he didn't cope well with emotions or knowing what to say to me- thinking of being honest and talking to him about the possibility that he may have to try and see it from my angle and understand it will be a bit of a roller-coaster

needless to say he does surprise me often - just when i think he is made of ice he does says something totally unexpected- there is potential i just need to make it all very clear; and be sure'.

It all adds up to its not being a good time to have a child with this person.

To get round getting married, particularly with someone in the military, you need to see a solicitor. It's going to cost a whole lot. And not doing so puts you at a serious disadvantage.

But again, I'm probably farting into the wind here.