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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think kids should be invited to their Dad's wedding?

52 replies

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 02:41

Been divorced awhile kids are teens and see him a few hours each month. They were asked to be bridesmaids when he got engaged last year. They were excited and looking forward to it. But then nothing was said again about a wedding. They asked a few times but were told nothing was planned. Then after seeing a mutual friend one day it was discovered that they had planned a wedding but were excluding the kids. They tried to talk to him about it but he cancelled their contact and refused to answer the phone. They text but he denied it as first then after they said how they knew he said they were getting married abroad. Then the kids see the photos of him getting married locally. Aibu to think this isn't right? They are now saying they don't want to see him again. I'm not sure what to say to them. They are old enough to choose but to never see him again? I think he owes them an apology at least. Aibu to think this?

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 04/01/2016 02:54

I think it's a horrible thing to do to the DC and is a clear sign that he doesn't value his DC. However, if there is an agreed contact schedule it should be honored until the DC are no longer eligible for maintenance, as this is normally when the courts would see the child as no longer a minor.

Their Dad might be a shit but this is when you take the high road and let their Dad take his. The children, while treated badly and understandably don't want to see him, should not be allowed to decide on the amount of contact.

mandi73 · 04/01/2016 02:59

Really????? Their dad has lied, avoided and basically treated his children horribly but anyway that's grand they should still see him......really??????
I think they are right not to want to see him but maybe contact him and see if he's willing to give his side/explain, if he isn't well it's up to him to try and fix things not up to his children.

TheXxed · 04/01/2016 03:00

I wouldnt force teenagers to see their dad, its their choice. Also he doesn't strike me as the type to take you to court.

SofiaAmes · 04/01/2016 03:02

My ex did this and now none of his kids talk to him.

reni2 · 04/01/2016 03:04

They are teens, old enough to make decisions about seeing him. He does owe them an explanation and apology. Leave them to it, but assure them it's a shitty thing to do.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 03:18

What a wanker thing to do :(
They are well within their rights to decide never to see him again, I would too.
You leave them to make their own choice now, don't force them. And even if he did take it to court, courts take their opinions into account at their ages, so it won't do him any good.

Your poor DDs though, what an utter bellend he is.

Clearoutre · 04/01/2016 03:18

So they were asked to be bridesmaids, then lied to about the wedding having been planned, lied to about the wedding being abroad and then saw photos of the wedding having happened locally without any inclusion whatsoever...you'd feel let down many times over and completely humiliated so I can appreciate their current stance of never wanting to see him again.

The focus should be on the father's appalling treatment of his children, not their natural reaction it it.

Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:03

I know he's a wanker, he was one during the marriage. Liked to put his lady friend first so to speak over his family even then. His new wife banned the kids from their house a year ago after the oldest asked to leave a undercooked chicken breast. Apparently it was insulting and was disrespectful to the new wife to refuse to eat red chicken. They only see him a few hours anyway. He's lied about being at work and cancelling contact to be at "work" then walked into the place we took the kids as compensation for not seeing their dad with what he likes to call his new family ( new wife and step daughter). His face was pure horror. Kids were upset.
There's no court order or even agreement for contact. I always allowed him as much access as he liked, I encouraged him to see them as much as he could. It started as three days a week but after he found his new family it has dwindled significantly to a few hours here and there often cancelled last minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:09

They have a loving, wonderful stepdad who is fab with them thankfully. But family is important.

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CharmingChampignon · 04/01/2016 04:13

DHs Dad did this - his sons found out via all the other extended family members who were all invited! And there are lots of photos up in their house

Needless to say, they have no real relationship with their sons or grandchildren. Losers.

Leave your children to make up their own minds and let him do the leg work to restore what's left of their relationship.

MidniteScribbler · 04/01/2016 04:17

He's a prick.

Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:26

The problem is that I don't think he will even see he is in the wrong. He never does. Him being unfaithful was my fault. Him being caught doing this will be the kids fault in his eyes.

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Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:29

I have always tried to keep out of their relationship with their dad, while supporting them. But I'm not happy with how he is treating them. I'm worried they will think this is their fault as he always twists it like that. Never his fault. I'm worried they are being emotionally harmed by this ongoing behaviour.

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Allthefours · 04/01/2016 04:30

My ex did this. Although he didn't tell them about the wedding beforehand. Just sent wedding photos and souvenirs from his 'family' honeymoon in Florida with his new wife and stepdaughters (who were bridesmaids at the wedding).

Some men are absolute toasters and if the children decide they don't want to see him, it's their choice, there is no point forcing the issue, they will only resent it. They may come around in time. It may also be tactics from the new wife to stop contact too ...... Just a thought?

Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:36

I'm quite sure he told all the guests that I stopped them going.

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Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:40

I think she resents the attention being split. She is very controlling the kids say over him. The kids said that they asked him if the would be allowed back to their house and he turned and asked her if they could come back and she said one word, no. He then turned back to the kids and said no you can't. Struck me as very controlling and weird. All kids said the same thing so I'm sure it happened.

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PegsPigs · 04/01/2016 04:42

What an arsehole. As teens I would allow them to make the decision for themselves. That he allowed his new wife to ban his children from the house for such a minor slight is unforgivable that he doesn't fight their corner. And to outright lie to your kids and get caught out. I wouldn't trust him if I was his kids.

Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:47

I know they don't trust him at all. Been caught too many times lying. Im also worried if they say they don't want to see him again and then change their minds, that he will start seeing them again. I'm worried he will refuse.

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Original poster

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 04:59

But I'm also worried that by them going I'm allowing him to basically abuse his kids emotionally and that it's going to effect them in adulthood. What's worse being treated like this frequently or not seeing their dad? What is the less damaging for them? As I say they have a fab stepdad who they are very close to. They have a wonderful father child relationship with him. It's very sad that their own blood is like this. Their family on his side also treats them like this too.

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MidniteScribbler · 04/01/2016 05:32

I would just go very quiet now. Don't contact him or chase him at all. If he sends you a message asking for contact, ask your children if they want to go, and if not, tell him that. He's not going to bother chasing them or overnight become dad of the year. Their old enough to decide, and if they don't want to be involved with him, then I wouldn't be forcing them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 05:54

mummyme - seriously, I think if your DC are all in their teens, leave it up to them now. Have a frank talk with them about it though - tell them that you think it was very bad behaviour on the part of their dad to lie to them like that (you CAN say that, it's fine to hate the behaviour, remember) and that you can't understand why he wouldn't want them there, as they are such lovely DC. Make sure that you let them know that it is in no way their fault that they were excluded. I would imagine they have a pretty clear idea who is at fault here anyway; they seem to be fairly well clued-up as to what they're up against, but it will help them if you support them by telling them that they are wonderful and should have been included.

As far as them seeing him again - well I doubt he'll chase them for contact after this, but if he does, just hand it over to your DC to deal with. Tell them that they may see him if they want to (and he remembers to turn up) but you aren't going to push it either way.

As I said, if it were me, this would be the last straw - but I know that sometimes children will go to any lengths to try and stay on the errant parent's good side, to try and elicit any sign of love. It's not good for them, but they have to be allowed to try if they want to, with the knowledge that you will support them whatever (while still pointing out to them that him missing out on seeing them is firmly HIS loss).

Horrible situation but I think you would be doing them more of a disservice to push them into seeing him than letting them choose.

mamas12 · 04/01/2016 09:44

That is disgusting behaviour
Have you told your dcs what you think and you're on their side. I know I haven't slagged my ex off yo kids but this situation needs validation from you as to how badly behaved is is.
I would also email send letters to all his family to express how horrified you are at his treatment of his own children and let them know how hurt they are.

Inertia · 04/01/2016 09:54

He is an appalling shit. It sounds as though your children are old enough to see him for what he really is- and sadly the evidence just keeps presenting itself.

He's made it absolutely clear that his children have no place in his life- I think that forcing them to maintain contact with someone that lies to them and tries to force them to eat something likely to result in food poisoning is worse than the lack of contact. They'd be utterly miserable.

I agree with letting him make the next move. It's worth keeping all contact formal, so that you have an email trail stating when the children are available for contact when he asks. It might also be worth putting in writing that you expect the children to be fed in a safe and hygienic manner, detailing the chicken incident.

MistressDeeCee · 04/01/2016 10:06

Too much timewasting regarding what your ExH thinks, does or says is pointless. There's so much second-guessing here and criticism of your ExH. He doesn't sound charming, to say the least. You seem to want to force the perfect relationship between your DCs and their father, when its clear that is impossible.

Its incredibly hurtful when your DCs father excludes them or isn't there for them in so many ways, you're so upset on their behalf. But you can't control what he does how he thinks. There are so many things we think people "should" do, but its setting oneself up for disappointment to think they will necessarily do the right thing.

Your DCs are teens and they will soon enough choose for themselves the level of contact they have with him, it won't be up to you. They're not babies and I wouldn't force contact at all at this moment, if its not compulsory. If he's in the habit of badmouthing you or blaming for things thenhe's going to do that anyway regardless, this'll just be another to add to the list.

You are there for your DCs, thats what matters. You say they have a wonderful relationship with their stepdad. These are good things. Celebrate them.

As to their father you need to find ways of making what he does and doesn't do not matter to you so much.

ollieplimsoles · 04/01/2016 10:17

"family is important"

I never understood this concept that children 'should' make an effort with a parent who repeatedly lets them down, just because they are blood related. This is not how family are supposed to behave towards each other, and as a dad he sounds like he has failed across the board.

Fuck him.

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