Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

To think kids should be invited to their Dad's wedding?

52 replies

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 02:41

Been divorced awhile kids are teens and see him a few hours each month. They were asked to be bridesmaids when he got engaged last year. They were excited and looking forward to it. But then nothing was said again about a wedding. They asked a few times but were told nothing was planned. Then after seeing a mutual friend one day it was discovered that they had planned a wedding but were excluding the kids. They tried to talk to him about it but he cancelled their contact and refused to answer the phone. They text but he denied it as first then after they said how they knew he said they were getting married abroad. Then the kids see the photos of him getting married locally. Aibu to think this isn't right? They are now saying they don't want to see him again. I'm not sure what to say to them. They are old enough to choose but to never see him again? I think he owes them an apology at least. Aibu to think this?

OP posts:

Report

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 04/01/2016 10:22

their dad is a flakey shit who doesn't give a single fuck about them, and YOU want to force them to see him and be hurt again and again and again to assuage YOUR guilt.

This has been a really triggering thread for me if you haven't spotted.

LagunaBubbles · 04/01/2016 10:24

Well yes of course "family is important", but when one person (in this case your ex) doesn't act as if wants his "family" (your children) then there had to be a point when enough becomes enough. Your poor children! How incredibly hurtful.

tiggytape · 04/01/2016 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 10:31

What he does and says has no relevance to me in any way except when he hurts the kids which makes it my problem. And every mother in the land would find their kids being hurt as something that would matter to them. I'm not trying to force anything. I've allowed him access which as their father is only fair. I'm not pushing them into anything. I've never forced them to go to or stopped them going either. But I am there as they got very upset at what happened. The youngest isn't quite a teen yet.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 04/01/2016 10:32

Talk to your kids. Ask them if they want to continue trying to contact him and, if so, how?

Tell them it is OK to just stop trying and that yes, he was a complete dick over the wedding. But that is his fault not theirs, regardless of the spin he may try to put on it.

You really do not have to keep trying on their behalf, nor do you have to be unreasonably/ unbelievably nice/apologetic for him. If you are too even handed your kids will lose faith in you too.

So have a chat, tell them that you are annoyed on their behalf and will be guided by them and what they want. Include that they can change their minds any time they want.

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 10:34

I don't have any guilt. I'm not the asshole here. As I say I haven't made them go or stopped them going. I've just supported their decision either way.

OP posts:

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 10:42

I just want what is best for the kids, I'm not so concerned about the older ones but the youngest seems to want to see him what ever happens. We have been talking this morning. I'm not sure I'm acting in the child's best interests by letting him keep hurting them. At what point do I stop the contact in the child's best interest? My hubby feels that point has been reached, so do I but as I have previously said I've always let them make their own choices. I'm just trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 10:47

the youngest is still very much a child , not a streetwise teen at all. Still my little ponies and Harry Potter.

OP posts:

Sunnybitch · 04/01/2016 10:51

Yanbu at all. Being a parent your number one priority should be your children (separated or not) but sadly he seems to have made his decision as to what is most important to him (and not just once) so as a pp said....fuck him! Your girls are better off without an unreliable selfish shit like this in their lives anyways.

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 10:57

And if she wants to go, it will be by herself as the others said that's it. This is even more concerning to me.

OP posts:

Salene · 04/01/2016 10:58

That man isn't there father

He is a sperm doner they are better off without him

I'd not force them to see him.

Sounds like they have a proper father in their lives, their step dad. That's the only man they need, not some selfies prick who will spend his life letting them down and shitting on them

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 11:01

I have always tried to do the best for them, not trash him to them, letting him have open access, but he's a shit and you can't polish a shit.

OP posts:

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 11:23

I really feel for your DDs, getting excited about being bridesmaids and then gradually realising they have been uninvited. Their father's behaviour was awful. He lied again and again to exclude them and sent a clear signal to them that he doesn't value his relationship with them. I don't think an apology will smooth this over. You have done your best to facilitate contact but you don't need to make excuses for your ex anymore now that your DDs have seen his true colours. I think it's important that you accept their feelings. Saying they don't want contact with him now doesn't necessarily mean that they will feel that way forever. At the very least they need some time to process what has happened. I think they are old enough that the courts would take their wishes into account. Also, will your ex actually push for contact? You say he cancelled contact and refused to answer the phone to get out of explaining his wedding plans. If he doesn't contact them then there is no reason they should have to do all the running.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/01/2016 11:26

You say that family is important. I think it is only important when ALL sides act like family and family is more than blood. Your husband is a wonderful step father to them. That's all they need. No "dad" is better than one who casts them aside once shiny new wife and kid comes along .

ohtheholidays · 04/01/2016 11:35

I've only read your first post OP but please let them decide what they want to do themselves no matter how old they are.

My ex husband remarried,he told our 2 DS at the last minute and him and the witch(she is fucking awful to my sons and she knew he had children when they first stated dating)wanted them both in specific suits but they wouldn't pay for them so me and my DH did.I'm glad the boys did go because they're uncles and they're aunties were there and they wanted to see them and they were all desperate to see the boys.They're wedding ended up costing us £300.

They've only seen him a handful of times since,they're choice and now they've decided they don't want to see him ever again.I have spoke to them about it and I have tried to encourage them to not cut him out of they're lifes but they're adamant and there's no way I'd force them to go somewhere they don't want to go.

It's a real shame but it is all my ex's and his wife's fault,she has a real problem with me,I chucked him out but I think someone may have told her that he'd kept trying to get me back or he's been an idiot and let it slip that he has been.There is no chance in hell,I was engaged and re married well before him.
I'm lucky I can avoid him,my DH knows what he's like and he deals with him.But she really didn't think and was bad mouthing me in front of both of my DS.I made every excuse I could for her but I think that backfired and the boys just got crosser with both of them
And with they're Dad they can sadly remember how he treated me and how he spoke to me in front of them(the bloody idiot)when I'd broke up with him.

They're Dad has had 2 more sons so the boys have 2 little brothers now and the boys do want to see them but they've told us they just can't cope with spending time with them to get to see the boys.

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 12:25

Thank you all. We sat down and talked with the kids. If he asks for contact the kids will tell him it's not going to happen. He had booked two hours this Friday before the kids found out about the wedding going ahead without them. Not sure if he's expecting them or not as he cancelled both Xmas contacts. But they aren't going. Their choice. The also decided to call my hubby dad, which they said he deserved. They decided to treat their sperm donor as he treats them. With distain. We are supporting their choices.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 04/01/2016 12:35

I'm glad your both supporting them OP.All of our 5DC call my husband they're Dad,my sons have both called they're Father the sperm donor in the past.It's a shame that these men can't work out for themselves how much they're going to miss out on,both of our sons have said that if they get married and have children when they're older they won't allow they're father or his wife to be involved .

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 12:43

Op what he did to them, is nasty, spiteful and unforgivable. Even if he is a puppet on a string to his ex wife, he has in effect chosen a relationship with his current wife and mot his daughters. That would most certainly warrant a non contact with the lot of them. You as their mother should support this, they are old encourage to realise what an arse he is, and make a sensible decision to walk away. Do not encourage them to have a relationship with this abusive man, it will only rock their confidence and install them that it's fine to be treated in such a shoddy way.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/01/2016 12:44

I welled up that your dcs have decided to call your DH dad as he deserves it. Is he happy?

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 12:47

Just read your update, well done, yes he is nothing but a doner which they share some DNA with that's all. Good on them for making a stand and saying no more! Making them eat raw chicken is bloody health hazard which could make them seriously ill, he would rather not offend his wife then the health of his dd, says it all really!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 12:48

Meant puppet on a string to current wife doh

Mummyme1987 · 04/01/2016 13:48

My hubby was overjoyed. He has been more of a dad since he has been in their life, than my ex has been since their birth. But he didn't want to step on my exes toes. He was sensitive of him being their dad. Not anymore. My hubby deserves to be called dad.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 14:00

Fantastic Mummy, if they want to call him dad, its up to them, being a parent is more than the conception, but it is about raising them to be the people they are. Your ex is disgusting, and his behaviour shameful. I would not be exposing my dd to any of that behaviour again.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 14:01

I would have stopped contact at the raw meat thing, that could have been very harmful. My MIL ate undercooked chicken and was extremely sick, and still feeling the effects 6 months later.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2016 14:05

I have just read the rest of your posts, his behaviour towards his dds has been absolutely disgusting and abhorrent. The number of times he has treated them in such an appalling manner is shocking, I think after this wedding incident, this is the icing on the cake, the scales are finally falling from their eyes, and the realisation is hitting them, that their dad does not love or care for them. Good on you op, for supporting their decision, you are saving them from more hurt in the future and the damage this can do.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.