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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend isn't talking to me as I didn't contact her, AIBU to think that she is being ridiculous?

40 replies

Sianykins · 03/01/2016 20:28

As she didn't contact me!!

I have had a very busy and stressful few months; I am a carer for my mum, who is disabled and lives alone and she had to have an operation and has been unwell. I work part time in a sales environment and it has been our busiest time of year. I have 3 DCs to run around after. Plus I've had a bout of flu thrown into the mix.

I sent my friend a Christmas card and have sent several texts in the past couple of weeks to see how she is, and have had no reply. I have commented on her FB and got no reply or acknowlegement even though she has 'liked' other peoples' comments.

A mutual friend has told me today that this friend isn't speaking to me anymore as I didn't contact her for a couple of months. Which is true, I didn't, but she didn't contact me at all during that time.

This is not the first time that a so-called friend has done this. Why should it always be up to me to make an effort? If I haven't heard from someone for a while I would never get the hump and would just assume that life is hectic for them, as it is for us all.

AIBU to think my friend is being ridiculous?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2016 21:17

Yes I thought that. Confused

Chiggers · 03/01/2016 21:18

She sounds quite childish IMHO. Let her get on with it and enjoy the peace from her immature behaviour. Personally speaking, I'd let her come to you and see what she has to say for herself, but please don't be bothered about her possibly cutting the friendship dead. You have more important things on your plate without having to deal with this crap.

ElinorRochdale · 03/01/2016 21:19

We invited them over to our house, had a lovely evening. Life gets busy and two weeks go past and I receive a written letter saying how disappointed she was that I hadn't been in touch

Surely she should have been the one contacting you to thank you for hosting the evening?!

In my circle of friends, we're not continually in close touch, but will send one-liner emails to say 'you might like this [book, tv prog, website, whatever]. Or for those who aren't on email, send a picture postcard. We all know that it means the other person is thinking of us, but doesn't have the time for anything more at the moment.

Sunnybitch · 03/01/2016 21:20

Yanbu she is and really isn't coming across as a very good friend in the first place.

I have one or two close friends that i can go months (and I mean months) without talking to, but then one of us will arrange a meet up and it's like we were only talking yesterday...that's a true friendship. Not one that's gona take the hump because YOU weren't the one to chase after her

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2016 21:58

She sounds awful and rude. But maybe something has happened to her, maybe she thinks you will know and is expecting a call for that reason.

Is she a special friend? Or was she once?

In your shoes I would want to let her go but if you want to make you point just text her that friendship is two way street, you have texted etc and she has not replied. Explain what you have had on your plate... In your shoes I would just start with (if this is true) "I am upset you are blanking me after XX years of friendship. Especially as I have just had flu, have a very busy life with many commitments and still find time to text and like your facebook posts while you ignore me! If something serious has happened to you, or upsetting, and you want to talk, I am here, please do call me. All best wishes for New Year."

I would be tempted to follow up the text an hour later with a call to see if anything really serious has happened.

But I am an old softie!

I am also the one who keeps friendships going and makes the effort. It can be exhausting. And frustrating when not reciprocated.

It's your call, phone or text or not. Whatever will make you happy, not you think others expect.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2016 21:58

PS YANBU.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2016 22:01

Sianilaa how awful. I hope she 'cancelled' your friendship in time for you to cancel her meal at your wedding and save yourself a few pounds. What an awful 'friend'!

Sianilaa · 03/01/2016 22:47

Luckily she did! I was well out of that friendship group - another of them emailed me to say my marriage was a joke and I shouldn't be allowed to have children when I was in the middle of a miscarriage.

I do attract some charmers...

Needtobebetter · 04/01/2016 00:07

Oh I have a friend who does this, she'll decide she's not speaking to me because I haven't been in touch and then change her mind after a few months. If it upset me when she did it then I'd just tell her to do one and not bother when she started, but every time I tell her that this is how things are being friends with me, and indeed with most of my other friends. I work full time, have a toddler and a 6 month old and a DH with a life limiting illness. On top of this I suffer with anxiety and associated depression - she doesn't know this but it's something I would have told her if she didn't continually break the trust in our friendship by refusing to be friends with me.

YANBU, your 'friend' is being self absorbed and unfair.

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 00:17

YANBU

AyeAmarok · 04/01/2016 00:23

Agree with everyone else, she's not a friend, and she has done you a favour.

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 00:26

YANBU. Your friend is being immature. An adult should discuss the issue not just stop talking to you. It sounds like you are better off though. She didn't even send a text to see how you were during a difficult time and is now trying to make it all about her.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/01/2016 00:27

I think to fall out with you over not contacting her because you're busy looking your disabled mum. Then she was looking for any excuse to look for a fall out.
I agree you're well rid. She's not talking to you. WTF does she think you are. Her fan club

dumdidumdum · 04/01/2016 07:24

A 'friend' of mine did this to me twice. The first time she's made a big fuss about not wanting to be friends with me because i hadn't been in touch with her and then changed her mind so we became friends again. When she did it again 6 months later i decided that our friendship wasn't worth the effort and let her go.

Only you know whether the friendship is worth trying to save but it sounds like you have enough going on in your life to not need the added drama of this.

Rpj16 · 04/01/2016 09:01

If it's really on your mind and you want closure (I can understand why you would), you could send a follow up text explaining that you have heard she isn't talking to you, explain your family situation and that work has been very busy, which is why you haven't been actively in touch, and you could tell her that she's not the only one you haven't been in touch with. Then sign off the text with: 'If you want to halt our friendship for now, I understand, but I have no problems if you want to reconcile with me in the future, I dont want things to be awkward on the school run, just so you know where I stand'.

If you do end up being friends again, just remember to hold your ground this time, and make her aware that you have a lot on, so she has no right to be upset if you are not in touch for a while. Being a carer is so demanding, and really she ought to be checking in on you, not the other way around. Hope you are ok.

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