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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dislike seeing men forcing kisses on children

71 replies

whenwomenruletheworld · 03/01/2016 13:33

At recent family event I saw 2 men saying hello and goodbye to the say 8-10 year old daughters of another guest. One girl in particular clearly didn't want a kiss on the cheek. Man 1 did so anyway picking her up so she had no choice. Man 2 possibly after observing this just waved and smiled. Why do some people think they can just pick a child up like that?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2016 17:49

Sprink... I don't like being 'forced' into kisses, cuddles or touching by anybody, even family - and it's particularly family that want to do it. I don't mind my children doing it but it's not something that I do to them. I think I probably have issues arising from my own childhood on this. :(

I agree with the posters who say that it's mostly women who try to coerce or even force kisses/cuddles from children (and adults). I don't know why that is but it's certainly been my experience also.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2016 18:00

Generally, if they really don't want physical comfort I feel that I can tell, and back off accordingly. Now I'm wondering if I should cut it out altogether. I have. I want to keep blowing raspberries on her tummy but if she pulls away, says no or whatever, I stop immediately. If she really wants me to carry on, she tells me.

We use the phrase, "respect my body". Which is shorthand for 'don't tickle me without permission and I will stop eating your foot if you ask me to'.

I think it's good practice to not assume you know they still want physical contact.

IME women do force kisses and hugs as much if not more but men tend to push tickles, scares and rough play more. Socialization, innit.

Nataleejah · 03/01/2016 18:01

I hated kisses and cuddles as a child. Always dreaded the moment when visiting grannies/aunties/etc. needed that "compulsory" kiss and cuddle, and getting told off for being rude when i tried to pull off ASAP. Men in our extended family were never that obnoxious.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2016 18:09

I do think there is a bigger issue when it is an adult man and a child of either sex,but particularly a girl.

I totally disagree. I've mainly seen embarrassed young boys trying to avoid great slobbering kisses from great aunts and nanas. Why make it into a gender divided issue when it is just as important that boys have control over their bodies as girls?

Sprink · 03/01/2016 23:56

Thanks LyingWitch and MrsTerryPratchett it certainly is something to think about.

All my affection (and my husband's) comes from a kind and loving intention, so it's difficult to change behaviour.

However, we will definitely talk more about how our actions might send a message that isn't the message we want to send.

I feel quite sad, actually, that we have to think about this. But I realise everyone is different and it can be difficult to understand how people feel differently about physical contact (for various reasons).

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2016 00:04

All my affection (and my husband's) comes from a kind and loving intention, so it's difficult to change behaviour. Think of it as a gateway drug. Obvs you guys are fine, but then there's the BF at 15 who loves her so much he can't help himself. He's saying he's coming from the same place as you (but clearly isn't). And the 'friend' who wants more. Well they care about each other so it's OK, right?

Consent is rarely treated in the way I think it should. When DD is older I will teach her; if it's not 'fuck yeah' it's 'hell no'.

thegreysheep · 04/01/2016 16:44

My toddler nephew always wants to kiss family on the lips, we try to turn our face around so it's just kissing on the cheek but he will squirm around until he gets you on the lips for some reason - I think because he sees his parents peck each other on the lips and is imitating that. However, we always respond to a kiss request from him never ask him for a kiss, and don't want to make a big deal of it, I'm sure over time he'll notice a kiss on the cheek is sufficient!

Whenever any friends etc. tell their children to give me a kiss, I always say "no, that's grand, they don't have to", often the child wants to of their own accord anyway if they know me well, but I remember as a child being forced to kiss adults when I sometimes didn't want to. If friends think their child is being rude, I say no they're not at all, and anyway I'm an adult I can handle it, they have the right to kiss/hug only who they feel comfortable with.

amarmai · 04/01/2016 18:27

how about the men who take full body contact hugs with teenagers? BTW i am pretty sure women don't do this.

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2016 18:44

What do you mean 'how about them'??

They're wrong, obviously if the hug is unwanted

Just the same as the women and men who force kisses on people.

amarmai · 04/01/2016 21:49

cf the thread 'WWYD if your partner were accused of sexual abuse 'on AIBU . I was horrified to read that a young teenager who did not want 'hugs' from one uncle and beleived she had been sexually interfered with while sleeping by another family member was being undermined on both these accounts by some mners .I wanted to see what response wd come up on this thread. My faith in mn is partly restored,thanks.

knobblyknee · 04/01/2016 21:53

YANBU. No means no, everyone needs to learn to give and receive a no with good grace.

BillyDaveysDaughter · 04/01/2016 22:10

Maybe slightly off original topic, but I come from quite a reserved family where tactile affection was rare (but there was plenty of love). I became a step mum in my 30s, to children of 2, 5 and 7 years - and I never, ever so much as touched them, let alone forced a kiss on them. I was partly conscious of not forcing affection on them against their will, but it was also significant fear of rejection on my part. And embarrassment, not being a very affectionate person.

We're now 17 years down the line, and although I've hugged my middle stepson lots of times now, I have kissed the youngest maybe once, and the eldest never in a million years. I suspect they see me as rather a cold fish. I didn't mean to be aloof, but other than the occasional arm squeeze I don't know how to be any different.

Maybe when I'm old and have a beard I'll force kisses on them as adults.

Crazybaglady · 04/01/2016 22:59

It's not nice for the kid to receive a kiss off anyone they don't want to kiss

LagunaBubbles · 04/01/2016 23:28

Armari your interpretation of that other thread is very different to mine and is irrelevant here on this thread.

Rainbunny · 05/01/2016 01:03

I agree. We just spent a family Christmas together and my poor nephews were told to hug their aunt rainbunny when we were leaving. Two of my nephews are very outgoing and ran over to give me hugs but the other two are on the shy side and clearly didn't want to come over to hug me. Their mum told them to with repeated commands and I tried to say it's totally fine, don't worry but she said that they need to learn to show their affection for family. She's my SIL and I'm not that close to her so I didn't feel I could show my feelings about that but I really didn't like her overriding her children's physical autonomy. Apart from anything else I don't think commands to hug me are going to increase their affection for me!

Asskicker · 05/01/2016 06:55

armani I agree with laguna , it's not relevant here and one interpretation. One I don't agree with.

Collaborate · 05/01/2016 09:21

Goady thread.

HooseRice · 05/01/2016 09:33

Doesn't matter if the kisser is a man or woman, it shouldn't be forced. You'd be done for assault if you forcibly kissed an adult without their consent.

It was something I'd never given a second thought to until I read a pamphlet at the GP waiting room about safe guarding children. There was an interesting point about making them feel they have to kiss an adult who wants kissed makes them more vulnerable to abusers.

spaceyboo · 05/01/2016 09:35

In India where kisses and hugs are considered dirty/sexual in most quarters, my nephew doesn't show physical affection for anyone at all (adults or kids). I think it's quite sad really. In my opinion Kids should be taught that showing/receiving affection isn't wrong, even if that means going into detail about where it's okay/not okay to be touched.

Toadinthehole · 05/01/2016 09:55

I think no child should be touched against their will, however, it would be terrible of things got to the point that their consent could never be presumed. Like others here, my immediate family are very tactile, We kiss, hug, tickle, horse around and lie on top of each other all the time. None of us would have it any other way. It is one of the most important ways we show affection to one another, and I would go so far as to say it would be unhealthy for us to scale it back stop doing it.

I'm pretty comfortable that my DDs know perfectly well the difference between a kiss or a hug from their parents and a kiss or a hug from someone they don't know from Adam. In the latter case, they know the person would be inappropriately presumptive in a way that a person they knew better would not be.

amarmai · 06/01/2016 12:54

i see your point with babies but not with teenagers and am not sure at what age this becomes not a good idea.

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