Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

[Fannyupcrutch]

I must be a separate species or something because I have 4 kids and really didn't find it any harder with 3 than 2 or even harder with 4 than 3! My second born however is autistic and I struggled massively with his behaviour from age 2 to 11. Maybe it all just seemed easier after surviving that? Mine are now 17,16,12 and 7 and they pretty much look after themselves. They come home from school, take their clean clothes upstairs, I cook them an evening meal, they tidy up the kitchen and do the dishes and bring their dirty washing down. My children are all well balanced, high achievers and get one-on-one time with me. My nephew also lived with is for 4 years and they didn't miss out on anything.

I guess it comes down to organisation. I worked mon-fri and their dad worked weekends so one of us was always around to manage the house and do the school stuff etc.

[doitanyways]

BrandNew, you know only children can and are taught to wait politely and quietly?

In August, I had a five hour drive with a friend and her eight year old (and only just turned eight at that) and that child's behaviour was impeccable throughout our holiday. The little girl was better behaved than some of the adults we went away with!

Lazy stereotyping is just that.

[Sallystyle]

I have five, and so much of the time they would rather play with each other than have my undivided attention.

I often ask if one wants to do something with just me and 9 times out of 10 they ask if a sibling or two can do it with us. One dd does like alone time with us but the other 4 really don't seem to value it.

None of them are 'mini parents' they do argue a lot but so do many children in smaller families.

I didn't actually plan to have five of them and while I love having a big family I think I would have found it much easier to have three children. Having five is a lot of fun, but also a lot of hard work.

Lots of people say they love coming here and seeing them all playing together and the closeness we all have, and I get many compliments on how lovely they are, but people do leave quite exhausted by the noise and not many people would want to live in my chaotic home. Because it is loud and it is busy and when they aren't at school there is very little quiet in the house.

[foragogo]

I have to say though, my three don't get a third of my attention - they get all of my attention at different times. You do have to work at giving them all individual time though - I already find it easier with the eldest and youngest - you have to be aware and on the ball to not leave out the middle one.

I do think the personalities and motivation level of the parents does have an effect as well. I too have been to every play, parents evening and school event even as a working parent and I stay up into the small hours doing my own stuff after having spent time with them all in the evenings. Not everyone bothers. The most neglected kids (imo) that I know are in 2 kid famillies. Motivated people with larger famillies are maybe more aware and motivated to try and make sure everyone gets attention?

[OriginalSinner]

I was one of four,

the quiet, gave no trouble one.

Inside I had a festering anger at the lack of attention that I only fully realised after leaving home.

I have had 2 with a longish gap in between as a reaction to my own childhood circumstances. It was emotionally rewarding having the siblings but that long term lack of focused adult interaction stands out.

[TracyBarlow]

I'm one of eight. We've all grown up to be happy, healthy, intelligent, emotionally well-balanced and successful people. The ones who are old enough to be married are all in very happy marriages with lots of kids.

We all get on brilliantly and go 'home' regularly.

We had no money growing up, but that's only made us all sure that money's not connected to happiness really. Obviously being really poor makes life tough, but being really rich also has its drawbacks.

I think the most important thing you can do for your children is surround them with love and happiness. If those things are there, it doesn't really matter how many children you end up with.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

I have 5 dc. I am very organised and don't feel 'split' with my dcs needs.

They all get help with homework, individual time with me, I know how they all get on in school, they never miss out on anything. I have just started working from home again so am able to fit that in around my dc too.

It just depends on the kind of person you are I think. I always wanted a big family and I love it, as do my dc. Some people don't want that and their dc love a smaller family, that's what works for them.

[doitanyways]

You see Original I am much the same - I wouldn't go so far as to call it anger but I do realise my childhood was compromised due to my brothers needs and that does sometimes make me resentful.

But you just don't know, and can't guess.

Personally I feel in countries like America and the UK there is an environmental consideration and I wouldn't have more than two children (or rather two births, as twins is always a possibility!) but that's my decision based on my personal ethics.

[PatSharpIsMyBoyfriend]

I was an only child, my mother worked long hours and I was lonely. Though I had plenty of friends, they all had their own families and siblings so it didn't make up for not having my own. Although I'm used to it now, I would never want to put my own child through that.

[OriginalSinner]

I did benefit from the bustle and chat of a busy home and the intellectual stimulation (as I was the youngest.) I came to resent the strict allocation of roles (as the permanent baby!) and the inability to see me in the midst of the "firefighting" that was daily life.

The loud ones got the attention and sadly it continues into adulthood with big schisms. I am mostly not part of the dramas and I can chat to everyone maybe because I feel I am a stranger to them still and have few expectations.

[Sallystyle]

Yeah, I know how my five are doing at school. They all get time with us for help with homework and reading if they want it.

My oldest is 16 and my youngest is nearly 7. The three older ones don't want to be read to at their age, so I have two children who need time spent on reading with them which is easily doable. It's not like all five are the same age and all have the same needs.

My 9 year old loves going on a dog walk with her dad daily, and if you ask her if she wants to do anything else, like help with cooking etc she would say that she would rather go play with her sister. Same for the older ones, they have much more fun playing with their siblings than they do having one on one time with me.

[lostInTheWash]

Four in six years is very different to four over sixteen years.

I know a family who did 8 - same parents over 28 years.

It's not lazy stereotyping. If both my dc are clamouring for attention then I have to assess and see whos need is more important. They have had to wait. Only dc won't of had this unless from their parents. Childcare and school yes but not from their parents.

Massive assumption there. I'm very close to an only - they came second to other things in parents lives and learnt to be very independent early on. The level of parental involvement was less than that I received in a much bigger family.

[leccybill]

I (reluctantly and sadly) have one DC.
I remarked to DH today how pleasant, polite and good natured she has been all over Christmas, we've not had one cross word for two weeks. Took her to a friend's house yesterday for a play, 2 siblings there, much bickering and mum remarking how she couldn't wait for school to restart.

I'm torn on this really. I'd love another - I feel guilt that DD might be lonely...but I really don't think she is. I think she likes the calm in our house. Oh and she certainly doesn't get my undivided attention, we practise a bit of benign neglect in this house!

[Nonidentifyingnc]

I am one of 4 and it is lovely. We are all close and support each other. It is nice knowing that my parents will have lots of us around, as they get older. I also have very nice sils. Our family feels warm and I never lack company or help when it is needed.
I also have 4 dc. I hope that they too will remain close as they get older. There is something very comforting about having lots of people in your life who share your history and who you can rely on to have your best interests at heart.

My dc are mostly teens now and although they do bicker they are actually really close and enjoy each others company. I am a sahm so they do all get plenty of individual attention. More money would be nice but none of them have ever gone without.

Dh is an only child. He had lots of holidays and money as a kid but now he has lost both of his parents he has no one who shares his history and I think that is sad.

[Babyroobs]

I had four kids in six years and although those early years were chaotic and busy ( I also worked part time), they had attention from their grandparents and lovely childminder as well as myself and dh. I don't remember them being particularly demanding kids ( perhaps I was just lucky). At times I did feel like I wasn't giving them enough attention, but my dh has always been very involved also and now they are mainly teenagers they all appear happy and well adjusted. My main regret ( and something I feel guilty of ) is that sometimes I shouted at them through sheer stress but if I ever mention it to them now they say they don't remember so perhaps I am thinking i ws worse than I was. Maybe if I had my time again, I would stop at 3 .

[Nataleejah]

5 year gaps between my 3 dc. I must say, that my ds1, under 5, while he was the only one was much better at waiting for his turn and sharing things because in the end he knew he didn't have to compete or nobody is taking anything from him in favour of another one. Now he's more "mine, mine, mine" as sometimes he has to literally defend himself and his possesions from his siblings.

[LeotardoDaVinci]

I have two - who both complain that they don't get enough of me - I am a sahm who feels that I could never give enough in their opinions. I do think that my friends who have more children and/or work outside the home have children who are less clingy/more independent than mine are.

I found one hard, two harder and am in awe of those who manage more without losing their sanity: to each his own.

[Molio]

I had six in seven years (no twins) and obviously I couldn't give as much attention to each as if I'd only had two, but it doesn't have to be a negative, especially in a family where there's always plenty of company close in age. Quarrelling yes, but in fact that's not in any way unique to large families.

[Bogburglar99]

I'm one of four and DH is an only. He loves the noisy houseful and the additional close relationships I have with siblings. I used, pre DCs, to love the sophisticated adult atmosphere and undivided attention at his place.

We have two DCs and I think ideally I'd have either one or 3+ - my two have a rather volatile relationship and would prefer it if they had options to mix the dynamic. Not going to happen though!

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Having grown up in a large family it's not something I would ever want to repeat myself.

It doesn't matter how organised you are, the children miss out. Be it on one to one time, decent homework help, lack of privacy or going to an activity or party. Hobbies are seriously restricted and others are dragged around to suit. Money has to stretch much further so there's less chance for extra curricular trips etc.

The other side is older siblings are expected to care for the younger ones and all get far too many chores for a child.

There's no guarantee they will be close as adults, after years of bickering and taking turns they will likely want their own space and naturally move away.

[thenewbroom]

The article also says: "Juhn, Rubinstein and Zuppann did find one external factor that appeared to have a big influence on these outcomes -- the cognitive abilities of the mothers." So for bright, engaged women (i.e. the vast majority of women on here) it matters less whether you have 1 child or 5. All seems pretty obvious to me.

[Sallystyle]

The other side is older siblings are expected to care for the younger ones and all get far too many chores for a child.

Not in my house they aren't.

People always say this like it is a fact, but it isn't true in any of the other large families I know either.

[Viviennemary]

I was an only child and did want a brother or sister but would have hated being part of a big family. It depends on the parents though. An only child can suffer from lack of attention just as much as a child from a larger family. But for myself two was quite enough. I decided I'd never have an only child if I could help it because I didn't like being one. But everybody's experience is different.