To not want to be a bridesmaid?

[stargirl04]

My dear friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid and I really don't want to be.

I'm very touched, of course, but I just don't feel up to it. I have an anxiety problem and hate doing anything that draws attention to myself - I prefer to keep a low profile. I've felt depressed lately and withdrawn - I certainly don't feel up to being jolly and "out there".

Plus, there is the expense of dress, shoes, hair, nails etc etc, on top of wedding present, train fare and a hotel, as we live at opposite ends of the country, and I am self-employed, so it does have a financial impact on me.

I care about my friend very much and don't want to offend her.

OP, I sympathise. I suspect that I would be the same if I was asked.

I know you say you would like to keep a low profile, but how about as a compromise you offer to do a reading at the ceremony? I know you would be in the spotlight temporarily but your role, while important, would be over with very quickly.

The one thing you must do though is tell your friend as soon as you possibly can that you won't be a BM.

Tell her how you feel. If she's a good friend she'll be perfectly understanding.

Not unreasonable to decline but yes of course you must make sure she knows you have. But tbh, it doesn't sound very healthy to avoid stuff like this because of anxiety. If you feed and enable these feelings they do grow. Maybe you're not feeling up to it on this occasion but I would advise you to seek help for the anxiety as it's a shame to have it dictating your life. Maybe she would agree to your having a reduced role - eg an usher - so you could still be involved.

Thanks for the advice everyone - I'm relieved to hear that there are some people who totally understand how I feel and I thank you for sharing your stories.

Hi mellojello, I had a lot of counselling for anxiety and depression over many years (I am now middle aged), including CBT, and nothing has "cured" me. I will always be a born worrier, though thankfully I find that I'm much less depressed now that I'm older.

In all honesty, it is not the anxiety alone that is driving my feelings, just that I would literally rather roll about in a freezing muddy puddle in the middle of winter than be a bridesmaid. It's just not for me. I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding 20 years ago and hated every minute of it. (My sister is now divorced - twice over.)

I was only asked to be a bridesmaid on Thursday and I replied on Friday, so I haven't procrastinated, but I'm grateful for the advice that I probably need to make sure she understands that I don't feel able to fulfil the role that she has so kindly offered me. I'll call her tomorrow for a chat.

Once again, thanks everyone for your advice and personal stories - your feedback is deeply appreciated.

I think you need to be as honest as you can as soon as you can, if she's your friend she'll understand.
Tell her you are happy to support her with regards to chatting about or shopping for cakes/flowers/dress or something if you are indeed able to do that.
Try and speak to her on the phone or write a card or email if you feel unable to discuss it in person.
(Hugs) to you OP you are dealing with a lot
BiscuitMillionaires post sounds good

Iwonderwhy, thanks for that and yes, I agree about biscuitmillionaire's post: I'm going to use the words that they advise. Thanks biscuit and everyone else xx

I wonder if you could do all the 'behind the scenes' stuff - help with shopping, invitations, getting ready on the day, and then melt into the background once proceedings actually start? You could call yourself her 'best woman' or something like that