To not want to be a bridesmaid?

[stargirl04]

My dear friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid and I really don't want to be.

I'm very touched, of course, but I just don't feel up to it. I have an anxiety problem and hate doing anything that draws attention to myself - I prefer to keep a low profile. I've felt depressed lately and withdrawn - I certainly don't feel up to being jolly and "out there".

Plus, there is the expense of dress, shoes, hair, nails etc etc, on top of wedding present, train fare and a hotel, as we live at opposite ends of the country, and I am self-employed, so it does have a financial impact on me.

I care about my friend very much and don't want to offend her.

[Elledouble]

I wonder if you could do all the 'behind the scenes' stuff - help with shopping, invitations, getting ready on the day, and then melt into the background once proceedings actually start? You could call yourself her 'best woman' or something like that

[stargirl04]

Iwonderwhy, thanks for that and yes, I agree about biscuitmillionaire's post: I'm going to use the words that they advise. Thanks biscuit and everyone else xx

[Iwonderwhy123]

I think you need to be as honest as you can as soon as you can, if she's your friend she'll understand.
Tell her you are happy to support her with regards to chatting about or shopping for cakes/flowers/dress or something if you are indeed able to do that.
Try and speak to her on the phone or write a card or email if you feel unable to discuss it in person.
(Hugs) to you OP you are dealing with a lot
BiscuitMillionaires post sounds good

[stargirl04]

Thanks for the advice everyone - I'm relieved to hear that there are some people who totally understand how I feel and I thank you for sharing your stories.

Hi mellojello, I had a lot of counselling for anxiety and depression over many years (I am now middle aged), including CBT, and nothing has "cured" me. I will always be a born worrier, though thankfully I find that I'm much less depressed now that I'm older.

In all honesty, it is not the anxiety alone that is driving my feelings, just that I would literally rather roll about in a freezing muddy puddle in the middle of winter than be a bridesmaid. It's just not for me. I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding 20 years ago and hated every minute of it. (My sister is now divorced - twice over.)

I was only asked to be a bridesmaid on Thursday and I replied on Friday, so I haven't procrastinated, but I'm grateful for the advice that I probably need to make sure she understands that I don't feel able to fulfil the role that she has so kindly offered me. I'll call her tomorrow for a chat.

Once again, thanks everyone for your advice and personal stories - your feedback is deeply appreciated.

[theycallmemellojello]

Not unreasonable to decline but yes of course you must make sure she knows you have. But tbh, it doesn't sound very healthy to avoid stuff like this because of anxiety. If you feed and enable these feelings they do grow. Maybe you're not feeling up to it on this occasion but I would advise you to seek help for the anxiety as it's a shame to have it dictating your life. Maybe she would agree to your having a reduced role - eg an usher - so you could still be involved.

[xmasseason]

Tell her how you feel. If she's a good friend she'll be perfectly understanding.

[GabiSolis]

OP, I sympathise. I suspect that I would be the same if I was asked.

I know you say you would like to keep a low profile, but how about as a compromise you offer to do a reading at the ceremony? I know you would be in the spotlight temporarily but your role, while important, would be over with very quickly.

The one thing you must do though is tell your friend as soon as you possibly can that you won't be a BM.

[smellsofelderberries]

YANBU but definitely talk to her (in person if possible) and explain what's going on and the financial implications that you can't fit into the budget for now.

If you really can't face it because of your anxiety issues could you offer to do something else that would take a job off her hands? Such as making the cake (I had a cake table our wedding and a girlfriend made two cakes which was a massive help) or hand out programs before the ceremony or something? Or make sure people sign the guest book at the reception so they have lovely messages from everyone?

[BackforGood]

Just phone her up an TALK to her. Presumably - as she's asked you to be her bridesmaid - she's a pretty close friend.
Just give her a ring and say you hope she understands why you don't feel you will be able to do it (the anxiety bit - don't mention the cost, that should be borne by the bride anyway), and, as others have said, say you'll be around an willing to help her with anything on the day, but can't face the idea of standing there with people looking at you. But do it now, not some vague time in the future...well, not literally at this time of night, but tomorrow

[YouMakeMyDreams]

Tell her soon. I had a close friend pull out when the invitations had gone out so pretty close. I'd bought her dress, accessories some gifts everything. I was really hurt and really angry she had left it so long. Especially as we had conversations building up to this and I began to get suspicious she would do that and I gave her an out then yet she said oh no I'll be there.
If she had been honest even at that point I could have lived with it. I'd have been upset but nowhere near as upset as I was that I felt she had lied to me.
I asked her because she was important to me. I had been her bridesmaid and we were so close.
I would tell her the truth and do it soon.

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

I think you need to phone her as I would not be sure (from what you have said) whether she understands you are saying no.

It is fine to say no, but do be clear about it and say lots of nice things about how important she is to you and that you do care about her and her wedding. But be assertive, don't be talked into it if she tries that.

[Warmworm]

It's not something everyone enjoys. I've hated it, twice. I think you should be clear and tell her why. But don't beat yourself up, I'd say no now to any of my friends if they asked! I'm sure she'll understand if you're honest.

[Griphook]

Anothe friend asked me to be bridesmaid I also said no that time, but I helped her choose her dress went shopping with her, basically everything bar walking up the aisle with her.

[Griphook]

I felt the same about being a bridesmaid for my brother. I said no. I knew it would cause me so much stress in the run up. I'm glad I was honest straight away

[steppemum]

Call her and tell her that you would feel very uncomfortable as a bridesmaid, but would love to be there with her on her big day, maybe help her get dressed, or whatever, just not a formal role.

You and she would be much happier if you are up front.

[Elledouble]

Not unreasonable at all! I feel awful saying I hated being my sister's bridesmaid but I felt ridiculous - few years older, divorced, less successful, just ridiculous. I am very, very glad that I will almost certainly never be asked again (as I have only the one sister and most of my friends are now married!).

[Kpo58]

Maybe find out what she expects of you as a bridesmaid? It could be quite low key.

When I got married, my to be SIL was my bridesmaid. All I got her to do was follow me down the church holding flowers and out afterwards. After that, she had no more duties and so could enjoy the wedding like a normal guest.

[Quinoa20]

Wow, I paid for every last thing for my bridesmaids. I think it's rude to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and expect them to fund it so I agree OP.

I know this isn't exactly what this thread was about but I really think that's bad.

[Mmmmcake123]

Tell her soon so you can stop worrying about it.
Unless, part of you would like to push yourself. CBT is OK, but not if it needs to involve the bride, as the timing would be inappropriate IMO. Good luck with what you decide xx

[NinaSimoneful]

Yeah 'no worries' might mean 'dont worry, you'll be fine' as opposed to 'it's fine if you don't want to bridesmaid'. If you don't want to do it just be sure that she knows.

[BiscuitMillionaire]

I think it's best not to mention the money side of things. What about:
"Hi dearfriend. I just wanted to explain, I'm really touched that you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but unfortunately I'm having difficulties with anxiety at the moment, and I just wouldn't be able to cope with the public role. If you don't mind I would be much happier just being a guest. Thanks again for asking me though, and I'm really looking forward to the day."

[Noodledoodledoo]

You are not being unreasonable but please call her soon.

One of my bridesmaids agreed and went through the motions for 9 months (we only spent a year from engagement to wedding) ordered dress, shoes, hair and make up booked, etc etc We were paying for everything.

She bailed with 2 weeks to go and a lot of horrible things said in her defence of why she wasn't happy, it was all my fault and I had put her in a horrible position in asking her - is a family member so still have to see her.

[Osolea]

You need to talk to your friend. Say that you're honoured to be asked, but because of your anxiety and how uncomfortable you'd feel, as well as the distance, you don't feel like you'd be able to do a good job for her, both on the day, or by organising a hen night.

If you don't want to do it then make sure you don't get railroaded, it can happen easily and depending on the bride, it can be quite a big task which doesn't always become apparent early on.

Leave the money out of it when you talk to her. Any decent person wouldn't expect you to pay for your dress, hair, etc anyway, and the other expenses are only those that would be associated with being a wedding guest anyway.

[Orda1]

You're not being unreasonable. I hated it when I was one.

[LumpySpaceCow]

I don't think you are BU. The cost alone would put me off. I may be on my own but I just don't get this asking someone to be a bridesmaid and then expecting them to pay for everything. I was in a similar situation and initially agreed as I thought, well I'll be buying a dress anyway; but after initially saying we could pick our own and would be able to wear it again, she turned into a bit of a bridezilla and chose 400 quid dresses! In the end, I felt like I was basically paying for her pictures to look good and couldn't afford it so backed out. We are still friends.
I didn't have a never ending pot of money for my wedding and had 7 bridesmaids but I just budgeted well for everything as I wanted to treat them and wouldn't have asked so many if I couldn't afford it.