to feel too young for marriage & kids?

[marghini]

I noticed that on Mumsnet there are many posters who are quite young (like 20-25 yo) and are married with DC.

This made me wonder if it is weird/ unreasonable of me to feel like I am too young to get married and have children.

I am 26yo and I work FT in the creative industry in London. I am in a stable long-term relationship and I definitely want to get married and have kids in a few years, but I feel like it is way to early for me now.

On top of enjoying my freedom and flexibility very much, I am putting a lot
of effort into developing my career so that (hopefully) I will be in a comfortable professional spot when I finally feel ready for kids.

None of my friends (around my age) IRL is married or have kids.

Is it immature of me to feel this way? Anyone else is in a similar spot?

I wanted marriage/DC young but men I met of the same age didn't!

If you don't feel read then that's the perfect decision for you. However, I do have friends who left it until their mid thirties and have sadly been unable to conceive.

I realise many women are still producing viable eggs well into their forties, but your fertility does drop off a cliff somewhat past thirty.

This is a fairly balanced article on the pros and cons of leaving motherhood until past thirty.

Hardly any of my university friends had babies before 30, except me. I'm now early 40s. In my experience there's a fairly sharp class divide on this.

London seems to have more people like you, who want to leave it a bit later than others, but I think that's understandable when you think of how different it is to the rest of the country. Some people want to own a property before having kids and that takes longer for most in London than the rest of the country.

I think it depends on your career/life path too. I have a few friends who didn't go to uni who have kids already, but none who went (who are my age) do, and I'm 23. I'm engaged (and we just bought our first house) and if we have kids I don't want to be having any in my 30's, I would want to be done having kids by then. I have the view that, in my line of work, it is harder to be very good and then disappear off and have kids. Better to have kids when you're qualified but in the door and still learning but in a stable role. Job shares and part time aren't really common in my area either, and I can't think my motivation for going back would improve when I hit my 30's! I have no idea when I'd want a baby, I just know that I don't want to be having them at 30+.

YANBU.

I should mention that we just spent Christmas with a relative-in-law couple about 5-7 years younger than us who just had a baby and were asked a few times whether we were expecting and when we might have one, by people who I'd have thought already knew it wasn't an option any time soon and who I'm fairly sure have heard us both say we're not sure we want any anyway. So to be asked again was a bit weird.

That and my sister, who is essentially just out of Sixth Form, is quite obviously planning on babies as her next move. I already feel like Peter Pan committing to such a long uni course, I don't need it to be repeatedly assumed that I'm thinking of having children soon on top of that!

letseatgrandma welll, my impression is that mumsnet has evolved to be a forum of women talking about a number of things, not just parenthood.

Moreover, since I plan to have kids one day, I still enjoy reading about babies and motherhood, on top of other interesting topics that are not kid-related.

"In my experience there's a fairly sharp class divide on this"

What do you mean soconfused15? Can you please elaborate? **
**

I didn't have kids in my 20s as I was totally not ready for them and way too busy going out and socialising and working on my career. I had them in my 30s.

Everyone is different though. I don't think it's to do with maturity, but what your priorities are at any point.

I wasn't feeling ready at 26, although I had been married 3 years at that point. That changed very suddenly at 27 and I had our first at 28. It was a great time to do it for me. Had another at 30 and have just had no. 3 at 38 - one of the advantages, for me, in starting youngish was being able to leave a gap (albeit we have a bigger one than we'd planned due to recurrent mc) as I wanted three but not all in quick succession.
I've been able to keep something of a career going throughout, although my development, due to what I do, has been based on skills rather than seniority (management not really my thing tbh), so perhaps a more traditional career ladder would hav been more difficult to climb.

I did a masters and then a PhD - I spent a ridiculous number of years in education and didn't have a 'proper' (i.e. salaried) job until I was 27. I quite wanted children, but there was no way I was in a position to. In the end I had DC when I was 32, 34 and 36 which wasn't late in the broad scheme of things.

But I also agree with what StickyToffee says:
think about how many you want and the age when you want to have your last one, fertility permitting

A lot of people don't seem to think about it, and end up in their 40's with one child and wishing for a 2nd.

It sounds like you think being married would stop you progressing in your career. You don't need to have kids the minute you are married and you should see marriage as something in its own right, not as a precursor to having children. You might not be able to have them.

You aren't immature. Just maybe have a think about things separately.

NYANBU and I used to feel like you did but the one word of caution I would offer is that one minute you're 27 or 28 propping up all the nicest bars in covent garden, no shortage of friends to keep you company, then literally in a puff of smoke that you won't see til it's behind you, all your friends are engage and won't come out to keep you company which makes you start thinking about what age you are and so on, and you want to meet somebody but it's harder to go out because, refer to point one, all your friends are now engaged!!!!

It's different for everyone. I had my 1st at 21 (OH was 27) & we've just had #4 at 26 & 32. He was established in his career & I was happy in mine though (running a small office on a reasonable salary). I went in to bookkeeping & administration straight out of college at 18 (at the time a degree in administration wasn't needed) and OH was a manager in hospitality. We get married on Monday. The majority of my friends are just married/ having their 1st or possibly 2nd child. The majority of his are at a similar point too. We're South Warks/ North Cotswolds area. We'll still be young when our youngest reaches his late teens so we're planning on saving as much as possible to fund an early retirement or at least the ability to take time off to do lots of travelling!

I agree with awesome! I got married half way through completing a graduate scheme and a masters. My DH was (and still is) and immense support in my career and the only effect marriage had was to make me more confident :)

As I said though do what makes you happy and don't worry about what other people are doing!

Yes, I remember reading something in management consultant book about backward mapping. It told you to think about what you wanted by a certain year and work backwards from that point. they meant in a career sense but I applied it to my personal life. Ie, by forty I wanted to have two children who were both already at school, so I realised, hmm, I had better start very very soon.

That yes was to stickytoffee. wrt backward mapping from 37 ish?

I had first at 35 and second at 39 . Conceived both (and the two I miscarried - nothing to do with my age) very easily. It was circumstance that dictated, but I don't regret it. I was very well established in my career and was able to go back to it when my DH lost his job. Being quite senior (and well paid) meant juggling children and a career was in some ways easier .It also meant I retired (at 60)on a very good pension
Friends who had their childen younger and have clawed their way back have found it much harder and are reconciled to probably never getting 'to the top'. Ironically ,I was never actually that career- minded ......

I had my first at 18, she was a contraception failure. Shes now 16 and doing well.
Wasn't in my plans to be a Mum so young and I was with her df for 2 years. No regrets though, I did my A levels with a big bump then went on to get a degree at a Uni near home and dps Mum looked after dd1
Met and married exdh at 25 and had dd2 at 28. That marriage collapsed and now I'm single at 34

I was 31 when I met dh we had ds1 when I was 33 and ds2 when I was 36 I didn't feel ready to settle down untill i was in my late 20,s but everyone's different do what's right for you

I think that there are general regional differences (as a pp said) and also socioeconomic differences. Religion/culture (?) plays a role too in my experience (the Muslim women I know started their families well before 30, including the "career" ones from middle-class backgrounds).

Well, I got married at 26 but felt like you did until age 30, when there was this honest-to-god jarring "click" one day of "Oh, I really want a baby". I can actually remember the exact moment at a summer fair when it happened.

Since then sadly I've only had MCs, and I do wonder if we'd tried earlier would we have had a child - but it's a stupid thing to ponder because we weren't ready at all. We may not be really "ready" now of course, but at least it's something we both really want and we're prepared to have our lives turned upside down and to prioritise a child. Back then we weren't and may have muddled through, but probably wouldn't.

So my little useless bit of advice would be to be aware that something may kick in within the next few years - it doesn't necessarily happen for everyone of course but once it did for me it became a pretty all-encompassing and slightly embarrassing need...

I've been married 6.5 years and am currently expecting DC3 (next month, as it has just occured to me!) I turned 27 in September. However I am the only one from my school friends (not classmates, but actual friends with similar ambitions and oitlooks to me) to have kids, although there has been a spate of marriages in the last 18 months. We are the only couple from our social circle - who range in age from 25 up to 32 - to have children although our very close friends are expecting their much longed for baby soon.

I would say in white British, "middle class", well educated circles, 28 / 30 plus seems to be the norm for settling down. I suppose if you go to uni and want a few years to save for a deposit or work on a career it's inevitable. For example we were only able to afford our choices due to DH getting an inheritance. Everyone is different, of course!

Hmm yes. I'd categorise me and my friends are British middle class. Age range 25-28.
Majority are married or engaged but we are the only ones with DC. I am also the only one who didn't go to uni though as there was no course for what I wanted to do. A Levels then worked, engaged 21, married 22, set up own little business, DS at 25.

Also lived in London during that period so all the mums-to-be I met were waaaaaaaaaay older. Agree it's regional but not necessarily class-related!

nomore314 that's interesting, and kind of what we did when thinking about when to have DC. I wanted to be thinking about a return to work at 30, but wanted to spend the preschool years at home. Luckily it should just about work out for us, give or take a few months, although since we'll all be working until 70 I doubt a few months matter.

Of course there's an element of luck too - from health to ease of conception to when you meet your partner