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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoying DH

55 replies

Mummylife14 · 01/01/2016 11:24

DH always plays the 'I do nothing wrong' card when it comes to Ds. Every weekend without fail when he is off he complains that we don't get out of the house until lunchtime. Today he got up and said he wanted to go buy a book...so DS pottered about for a couple of hours and I sat read had a cuppa etc just chilled DH did the same. I fixed DS his breakfast, fed him then got up to tidy up. DH went upstairs came back down dressed and said I'm away to town to get this book. I asked him why he wasn't waiting on me and he said 'you've sat about all morning doing nothing'. This has really oissd me off he sat doing nothing yet in expected to get house tided DS ready and myself while he sits and does nothing. Apparently I'm over reacting but I am so fed up

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummylife14 · 01/01/2016 12:21

I do feel like it is my fault I do have him spoilt. he has came back in I told him I'm away to mums with DS and to have the tree down for me coming back...however he came back with bags of ingredients for his new 'diet' that he has started today.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/01/2016 12:26

That would merrit a quick reply of.
I didn't know what time you wanted to go.
I sorted out ds, while you did fuck all.
You do X while I go and get myself ready.

And, as others said, have the conversation that he must start parenting too. Worst case, do tell him to sort out whatever while you do something else. And agree that computer games are only for afternoons, for example.

Lweji · 01/01/2016 12:27

You don't have him spoilt. He's a grown man and he's making choices.
You can choose to put up with it or not.

Viviennemary · 01/01/2016 12:28

If you keep doing all the tidying then he will expect it to be done. When something is always done people think it's some kind of magic elf doing it. Say to him let's have an hours sit down and then one of us will do x y z and the other do abc. Agreed you shouldn't have to do this but what's the alternative.

Oldraver · 01/01/2016 12:29

Bags of ingredients eh ? Well that lets you off the cooking.

You need a proper word, seems like he is getting off scott free and he needs to do some parenting.

Fairenuff · 01/01/2016 12:31

OP you need a proper talk with him about what his expectations are or nothing will change. Do you want it to change?

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2016 12:36

It does sound like better everyday communication and a heart to heart chat is in order here.

Also (and I appreciate it may just be the way you typed it but) I told him I'm away to mums with DS and to have the tree down for me coming back

I do hope you were a little more polite than that?

If my DH 'told' me to 'have the tree down for me coming back', he might possibly be adorning the top of it Blush

ilovesooty · 01/01/2016 12:39

Wouldn't it be sensible to talk to him as several people are suggesting?

JessieMcJessie · 01/01/2016 12:46

Why did you want to go to town with him? Sounds like a right pain to take an 18mo to buy a book.

Krampus · 01/01/2016 12:58

Sorry I'm going to join everyone else and say you need to talk to each other. In our house we would have a conversation.
I want to go to town. Shall we all go, or do you want to stay here?
I want to go, morning or afternoon?
Afternoon, then we can spend half an hour blitzing the house.

Same with the housework and childcare duties, don't most people say to their partner,"err the washing up why aren't you doing any?"

When shall we take the decorations?
Today would be best.
Do we need to both for it together or would it be easier when I have the baby out the house.
He isn't taking the tree down for you Confused

My husband tried to go through a lazy bastard stage, I would come home at 2pm to children asking me for food. After asking my husband about it would reply with some useless bollocks about he didn't know what they wantwd and they'd had biscuits, despite managing to make is own lunch.
My reply was always along the lines of are you fucking stupid, to which he would tell me not to swear. I will fucking stop swearing when you stop being a fucking stupid lazy idiot who is happy to shovel fucking bacon rolls down his fucking throat whilst his kids cry for food. What do you want me to do now? Tidy the fucking house all by myself because you fucking don't know if that needs doing to?

I was a bit angry.

PenelopePitstops · 01/01/2016 13:06

He sounds a but of a twat, but you bother need to talk to each other and agree expectations of parenthood. At the moment you are criticising each other for stuff that you disagree on, but at no point have you decided what to agree on.

Confused by the tree comment. Was that you to him? If so, you were rude.

OohMavis · 01/01/2016 13:17

There's your problem. He's to take the tree down for you. For you? Is it your tree? You're making everything in the house your responsibility. Stop it.

"Would you take the tree down whilst I'm gone, please?" is all that needs to be said. None of this special favour to you nonsense.

rollonthesummer · 01/01/2016 13:20

I'm confused-were you all going into town to buy him a book or just him?

ilovesooty · 01/01/2016 13:22

Unless you communicate and develop some basic mutual respect I don't imagine your marriage is going to last much longer.

Sunnyshores · 01/01/2016 13:31

Men will very rarely act like a fully paid up member of the family given a choice and no nagging.

Some men need to be told - "I'll go and get dressed, while you feed Ds", or some need very detailed instruction "Pls give DS his shredded wheat which is in his bowl on the dining table, just add milk!" Some are just lazy, selfish dickheads..... You need to decide which yours is and treat accordingly.

witsender · 01/01/2016 13:36

Seriously Sunny? You have very low expectations of adult men.

Original poster
Mummylife14 · 01/01/2016 13:39

All comments taken on board...re the tree no I wasn't as blunt as how I wrote it or it would never get done. He hates being 'told' what to do it was more along the lines of 'will you take the tree down for me getting back as It'll be too much with DS running around' , was just getting the gist across. We've lived together 7 years I have nagged and nagged about cleaning and helping he genuinely doesn't 'see' mess his childhood home was disgusting tbh so I do give him a by ball with tidying mostly because it isn't what he was ever used to. All I ask him is to try. When it comes to DS I get very frustrated he will 'watch' him will I get ready but I listen and there's no interaction it's him sitting in his phone and DS watching TV then when i come down he huffs and puffs that he's had DS all morning that usually starts an argument because I give off at him not playing with DS. A massive chat needs to take place tonight

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/01/2016 13:45

Have a chat, explain to him that he other opts in to family life, or out.

Why do you have to work harder than him and take sole responsibility for your son and all the chores. Are you a second class citizen because at the moment that's how he's treating you.

Krampus · 01/01/2016 14:00

Good luck OP Smile

Whatever anyone's ability to live in pig stye there are some jobs that you don't get to opt out of if you want to live with someone. Kitchens and bathrooms need to be basically hygienic and you don't leave your crap everywhere so no one else has room. As a parent you can't opt out of feeding your children, keeping them safe and clean.

Maybe focus on the basic necessities, so any conversation doesn't end up "but you love books in alphabetical order and it doesn't bother me". " but you're so good at buying baby clothes and I don't care about if blue or green is the best colour" Or whatever Grin before you know it the rank bathroom and unfed baby issues are lost. Not saying your bathroom is rank bty.

Krampus · 01/01/2016 14:04

sunny that is not true.

Jux · 01/01/2016 15:09

Most adult take as much interest in their children as most adult women. If yours doesn't, then you need to find out why (no comfidence, no competence, no desire) and respond to that. Lots of talk is needed.

Jux · 01/01/2016 15:11

" ... adult men " that was supposed to be.

Fairenuff · 01/01/2016 16:04

Men will very rarely act like a fully paid up member of the family given a choice and no nagging.

Nonsense. That would be laughable if it weren't so sad. Anyone who thinks that is normal needs to take a good look at their relationship.

OP you are right about a massive chat. Get it all sorted. Put him in charge of things that he can't let pile up. For example, he cooks and you clear up after. He washes the clothes and you put them away.

If he fails to cook, he will be hungry. If he fails to wash his clothes, he will be stinky. You get the idea. Don't do it for him, don't tell him to do it, just let him realise that he doesn't do it there are consequences.

Do not treat him like a child and he won't behave like one. But you have to want this or things will just go back to how they were.

Jibberjabberjooo · 01/01/2016 16:49

Did he want children? Has he ever done anything with your DS or have you always done it all? Do you think he he'll do things wrong or is he just not bothered?

Men will very rarely act like a fully paid up member of the family given a choice and no nagging

Don't be ridiculous. Your relationship certainly doesn't represent men in general. Mine is bloody brilliant with his children.

BlueJug · 01/01/2016 17:30

Men will very rarely act like a fully paid up member of the family given a choice and no nagging

Not my experience.

Something that concerns me - and I expect disagreement - is that "family life" in this context is usually defined by women and is how they think it should be. Men may have a different view - not wrong - just different.

Communication is key