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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been hoping for a thankyou

55 replies

soyvanillalatte · 01/01/2016 10:19

I know this one is a bit pathetic but I just have to get it off my chest in order to move on.
I spent quite a few weeks looking for some nice gifts to pop in a full gift bag that I gave DSS girlfriend for Christmas. I have no girls and really enjoyed buying things for a female for a change and was excited to see if she liked the gifts I bought.
DSS came over on Christmas day but she was still at work so he took her gift bag with him to pass on.
I have had no contact at all from her about the gift. I was hoping for at least a thankyou?
AIBU for being disappointed? Expecting too much? (she is 20).

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 01/01/2016 11:07

TBH I never expected a note. Just a message through DSS that she liked them would be nice.

So how do you know that she has and DSS hasn't forgotten to tell you?

Original poster
soyvanillalatte · 01/01/2016 11:07

Or might even message her on the dreaded facebook to see if she liked her gifts...;)

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/01/2016 11:15

Of course it would be rude if you don't receive any kind of acknowledgment but you do sound a bit anxious about it all.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 01/01/2016 11:15

I agree extremely rude, and I assume she doesn't have kids and doesn't struggle with time.... However its not that great to give a gift and expect a thank you so soon after but if after a month you heard nothing drop a hint to DSS and don't bother next time

AnotherTimeMaybe · 01/01/2016 11:16

Agree with ilove you do sound tiny bit anxious.. Still holiday season!

Goingtobeawesome · 01/01/2016 11:17

Don't ask her if she liked the gifts. A thank you is worthless if hinted at or demanded. Just wait and see if she has manners.

My children always write thank you letters. I think it is very rude not too when someone has spent time choosing a gift or sent money. I send them too of course.

Silvercatowner · 01/01/2016 11:24

Going against the grain a little here..... for me, the pleasure of gift giving isn't dependent on the thanks I get. Once I have given the gift then it is up to the receiver how they respond to it. And thank-you letters - meh, I'd rather have no thanks at all.

comfortblankie · 01/01/2016 11:43

Is it possible that she thought the gift was from DSS himself and so thanked him?

Or the alternative is that she asked him to pass on the thanks and he forgot?

Sending thank you cards is a bit naff, a quick text or facebook msg would be how I'd thank my MIL but it depends on your relationship with her. If she doesn't know you very well then she might have been apprehensive to do so.

She might be waiting to thank you in person?

Krampus · 01/01/2016 11:45

It's only been a week!

Unless she had a pre-existing quick method of contacting you, like being a fb friend or having your mobile to text, I would imagine she hasn't even started to think about it yet. It is highly unlikely she would have her boyfriend's step mothers mobile number or be connected to her via fb.

I doubt if it's the type of situation where you would expect a phone call, unless she very gregarious and loves to chat on the phone. No one calls someone to say "thanks for the gift" and then hangs up, some sort of other conversation would be expected. It wouldn't be unusual to find calling your boyfriend's stepmother for small talk awkward, however sociable and nice she is.

I would expect a thankyou from my sons girlfriend to be informal and passed through him.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/01/2016 11:54

Blimey... we haven't done any thank yous yet in this house. I like to get the whole Xmas/new year thing out of the way first, and thank yous are part of the 'tidying up' at the end. Just give her a bit more time.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/01/2016 12:01

Not to say thank you at all is rude, but I agree with others - it's still the holidays, give it a bit more time! Young people are generally busy enjoying themselves this time of year, when everything calms down, I'm sure she will express gratitude. I haven't finished my thank you messages yet, still a couple of people to call, time just gets away for you sometimes!

On a sidenote, totally disagree thank you letters are needed - in these times with such easy access to phones/email/messaging apps, we should be able to save a few trees/money on postage. They always sound horribly fake - 'Thank you, Aunt Fanny for 'item 32' opened Xmas day. I shall keep it at the back of my cupboard with resentment of clutter/moan on mn about it. Much love/shall forget you exist until next Xmas x'. Much easier to call and say a general thanks, or send a message that you know cannot get lost/late delivery, therefore offending people who expect a thank you within 10 minutes of you opening your gift.

EponasWildDaughter · 01/01/2016 13:10

''Just a message through DSS that she liked them would be nice.''

Well, that's what'll happen i expect. How often do you have contact with him?

Next time you see him/talk to him you'll say 'did Z like her present?', and he'll say 'yes' (whether she did or not) and 'thank you' (whether she asked him to or not). Is that really worth all this angst?

I can honestly say that i've never counted the days for a thank you in my life.

xmasseason · 01/01/2016 13:15

I haven't heard of thank you cards/letters being "naff" or "meh" before. I think it's lovely to receive proper post for a change (instead of bills etc!) and that someone's taken the trouble to hand-write a card/letter instead of just texting a brief note.

hiddenhome2 · 01/01/2016 13:27

Why do you need a thank you, you sound as though you're needing the attention. Just give a gift and forget about it. Perhaps she didn't like it.

MatildaTheCat · 01/01/2016 13:30

This is one of the reasons I like to give presents in person. It's so crap wondering if the person has even received the gift, liked it, couldn't remember who gave it etc.

I like to think I always remember to thank people promptly. If I had to be asked if I'd liked it I'd feel mortified at my bad manners but not at all cross with the person asking other than mil who likes to manage us all very carefully.

I would just double check with dss that he has remembered to give it to her, my boys are perfectly capable of forgetting or leaving it at a friends house etc.

Lindy2 · 01/01/2016 13:30

It's only been a week. She may be waiting to see you to say thank you.
This is our first non busy day since before Christmas and my children have done some thank you cards and pictures today. Hopefully none of our friends and family are complaining yet that we haven't said thank you.

Original poster
soyvanillalatte · 01/01/2016 13:35

I suppose I am being a bit U. And overthinking. It's not really about the etiquette and expecting a "thankyou", I suppose. More me being excited about the presents and hoping she liked them. Its not about me. I think I just have to assume she did and move on :)

OP posts:
MooseTrap · 01/01/2016 13:53

DD2's boyfriends family are really into giving gifts and cards. She even got congratulations cards from his grandparents for her A'levels despite the fact she hardly knows them. It's really kind of them and DD2 definitely thanks them but she would much rather they didn't give her quite so much. It makes her feel awkward and she worries that she is meant to reciprocate.

I buy a little token non personal gift for my kids bf's and gf's something like a bottle of booze. I try and let them know I don't want them to get me anything (they are all skint students so I rather they save their money)

Is it possible that your sons girlfriend might feel the same? She should, of course, still say thank you

Ginkypig · 01/01/2016 14:00

To put a different spin on things.

If I'm right the thankyou is not the important part here is it.

Your annoyed because as of yet there has not even had an acknowledgement that the presents were even received and it has been a big anti climax due to the fact you had enjoyed picking them and had hoped to see if they had been liked presents.

My fave part of gift giving is the pleasure I get when Iv got it right, ie the person liked wht they received and being left hanging would and does make me a bit annoyed.

So it's not really the thankyou although that would be a nice bonus, it's did you get it right she like them actually receive them aspect isn't it.

Have I hit the nail on the head?

EponasWildDaughter · 01/01/2016 14:01

Well, that's very gracious OP, and not at all in the style of AIBU GrinFlowers

Seriously though, if it is purely about being excited to see if she liked them and you got the right thing then text DSS and ask. Genuinely.

''really hope Z liked her and that i got the right thing. I wanted her to know i really enjoyed buying girly stuff for a change :)''

... would be perfect.

FlatOnTheHill · 01/01/2016 14:07

Its not pathetic at all. You should have had a thank you.

Original poster
soyvanillalatte · 01/01/2016 14:26

Got it in one ginkypig but not so much annoyed as unsettled.
I will just casually ask/text ..just to see , as suggested :)

LOVED buying girl stuff for a change. Love buying for the boys but it made a nice change/addition.

OP posts:
Original poster
soyvanillalatte · 07/01/2016 15:07

Just an update:
No contact or thanks received. I did ask DSS if she liked the gifts, (when he phoned this week), and he said that she didn't know what one of the was until he showed her but she seemed to like them.

OP posts:
WineOrSleep · 07/01/2016 15:10

Sorry op, I think she's rude

Regardless of whether she knew what they were, she should still have passed on her thanks

AmysTiara · 07/01/2016 15:13

Yep she's rude