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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just want to be a Mother

54 replies

FlowersAndShit · 31/12/2015 21:23

That's all, I just want to be able to be a mum, have my own family. It's the one thing that has always kept me going and made me hopeful for the future. I have MH issues (depression, anxiety, autism) so it's probably not a good idea. I've never been in a relationship as I'm a bit of a man hater. Despite how fucked up myself and my own family is, I reckon i'd be a really good mother. I've never even had a relationship and have considered using a sperm donor, I'm 25. Please don't tell me I have plenty of time, because I really don't.

I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so I probably won't be able to have children very easily. I don't understand what I did to deserve all of these problems. I don't have a single friend in this world, and i'm heartbroken. I just want the family I never had, and promised to give myself. I feel like i'll always be on the outside looking in.

OP posts:

JellyTotCat · 31/12/2015 23:23

From the perspective of someone whose childhood was dominated by my mother's MH problems (although I was fortunate to have a supportive father) i think that Piccalilli and jacks11 have made some very valid points that I hope you will take note of. I wish you the best of luck op.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 31/12/2015 23:34

Thank you Flat

I genuinely don't know of any good, decent men. If I had a son, I hope i'd raise him to be a good, kind person. I'd be very careful about projecting any issues I have onto my child. I had to go nc with my Dad recently because of his awful narcissistic behaviour. I think with MH issues, education and self-awareness is really important in managing these problems and its effect on others. I'm really not as naive and irrational as my OP might imply. I was just feeling sorry for myself and a bit emotional.

OP posts:

Damselindestress · 31/12/2015 23:35

thelifeofamber The OP was talking about her own situation, in particular in regard to her endometriosis, which can limit fertility, not saying that anyone 25+ and childless is over the hill. I'm 27 and don't have children yet and I didn't take it that way at all. It's not about you.

Ditsy4 · 31/12/2015 23:35

Sit down and write down something you would like to do this year. Go to your GP and get some support. Mine was brilliant and told me to do something for myself because I was always doing stuff for others( he is very astute) well this was a few years ago and it just so happened the local paper said a new choir was being started. I went along and I'm still in it. I can't read music and we are a real mixed bunch but it has meant so much to such a lot of people there. I'm not the only one who was feeling down when they joined. I feel so good when I come out and it has given me lots of confidence. We give a concert every year and we have been asked to sing at other events. We are going to a competition next year.
The other thing I did was to go to an art class. I'm in my third year of attending and I just forget everything when I'm there. It wasn't easy for me to join these things but my life has improved by doing something that I love. I suggest you make your resolution tonight to join something. You will make friends there our art class is a very diverse bunch and the choir is from 20 - 80 year olds men and women. Try and improve your life and things will fall into place.

HormonalHeap · 31/12/2015 23:44

Thelifeofamber don't listen! I have a daughter coming out of her teens. If she told me in 5 years time she wanted a child I'd be scared shitless- 25 is still so young, I didn't even know who i was at 25. Take time to heal, to get better. You have all the time in the world.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/12/2015 23:45

Awww, lovely post Mmmmmcake
Sounds like a plan Flowers?
And 25 is pretty young - I'm twice your age and think all twenty-somethings are such babes x

LemonySmithit · 31/12/2015 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks11 · 31/12/2015 23:57

mmmmcake

I agree with much of what you say. And I do wish OP well and hope she can have the longed for family she wants. The OP deserves some happiness in her life. Although, I feel that until she has learnt to value and like herself she won't find real contentment.

However, I do take issue with your advice to "ignore the worriers on here". I am not saying she can't or shouldn't have children. I am not simply "a worrier"- but I am very serious when I say having children without appropriately addressing significant mental health difficulties is not something that is advisable or to be brushed aside- even if you are desperate you are to be a parent- because of the potential impact on both the parent and the child.

The impact on the child, however loved they may be, is often far from insignificant and should not be underestimated. I have seen this first hand, and it can have a significant and long-lasting negative impact on the child. Effects which can last into adulthood and cause some real difficulties. Children certainly need love, and lots of it, but it's not the only thing they need.

Add into that the lack of support OP has from family or friends, then I think it becomes even more important that OP is in good mental health when she embarks upon starting a family.

Watchatalltimes · 01/01/2016 00:03

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 01/01/2016 00:12

Jacks I agree, I know I need a good support network if I ever decide to have children. I'm not worried about my MH issues affecting my children though, I won't allow it to.

OP posts:

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 01/01/2016 00:13

it is natural to feel that life is not as it should be around new year and significant birthdays. especilaly if you have ticking clock on the fertility. eek.

Pobspits · 01/01/2016 00:23

I can imagine how you feel I think OP. I do have kids but have suffered terribly with depression and anxiety and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

There are lots of kind and decent men in the world and I think you should work on aknowleging that. Even if you personally don't know any yoy must know of some in the world.

Look after yourself

crumblybiscuits · 01/01/2016 00:25

I'm not worried about my MH issues affecting my children though, I won't allow it to.
As a parent with long term MH issues I think that's an impossible thing to say. There are a lot of ways my issues will directly and indirectly affect my children and I have a brilliant support system around me. Flowers for you though OP

BoomChickenSoup · 01/01/2016 00:26

I remember feeling the same way as you at 25. Life is a funny thing and I did meet someone in my late twenties and went to be a mum. I think that autism caused me huge issues in my teens and twenties that I slowly came to terms with during my thirties so that now I'm in my forties I have a better outlook on life.

I understand that the endometriosis may make you panic but this doesn't mean you won't ever get there, just like my polycystic ovaries that I worried about didn't for me. I got there. You can get there too.

fuzzpig · 01/01/2016 00:34

Happy New Year Flowers. I really hope this year is a great one for you.

I just wanted to say I hope you don't really see your autism as a mental health problem. It's not! It's just a difference (that's not to say it doesn't have an impact on your MH at all, obviously it can, and has done in my case too) - and it can be a great one! I hope you can see the positive side of the different way your brain works. I think, in hindsight, there have been lots of advantages to being a mum on the spectrum. :)

Watchatalltimes · 01/01/2016 00:36

I'm also autistic and have depression and anxiety. I also understand what it's like to live like this. Take care op.

DancingDinosaur · 01/01/2016 00:41

Don't write yourself off as a 25 year old. You're young, so much ahead of you. Work on getting yourself in a better place for now. I didn't have my first child until 38. There is plenty of time for you. Really there is

Ditsy4 · 01/01/2016 00:42

Agree isn't it our differences that make us the wonderful people to know. I love quirky people. I have known quite a few people on the Spectrum and I love them all. Flowers go to an art class as they are very accepting as creative people are often just a little bit weird. You might finds you make friends easily there.

Pobspits · 01/01/2016 00:46

I think you need to be realistic too or if and when you do have kids you'll be setting yourself up for a fall.

It's nigh on impossible to stop MH affecting your kids ime. I had no MH issues until my first pregnancy and it's definitely affected my son tbh and it's something I regret but accept if that makes sense? My daughter is less affected but I still worry a bit. They're both doing fine though and I'm much better. I don't want to be doom and gloom or scaremonger but it's not as easy as saying 'I won't allow it to' because Ime MH issues pervade everything about you and also having a baby / child is one of the most stressful and exhausting things you can do in life and when you're under pressure like that it's difficult to be in control.

3littlebadgers · 01/01/2016 00:51

we care, hoping that this year can bring a smile to your face and ease your worries. I am 35 now, in my early 20s there were so many times I felt lonely and worried for my future, would there be love, would there be children? If you could only just pop forwards a few years and see what is in store. Don't give up hope my lovely. Us bunch of vipers are waiting to hold your hand whenever you need it. Happy new year x

liinyo · 01/01/2016 01:00

dear Flowers.

I had my first child at 31. My sister had her first child at 43. There is no rush for you, what is more important is to sort your own shit out. I hear what you say about not allowing your MH issues to affect your child, but it really isn't as easy as that. That is like my saying I won't let my shortness and enormous booobs be passed down to my children. It is inescapable. As long as it is in us they have to inherit parts of it.

Please work on yourself by counselling, reading, medication - whatever it takes. Come to terms with your family issues (which I know from your previous posts are troublesome) and private demons. Once all that becomes clearer and more understood you will be in a position to meet a great partner and potential dad and give your future children the childhood and parents you deserved but didn't get.

With all best wishes - Happy 2016 and ever after. Xx

Mmmmcake123 · 01/01/2016 01:59

Liinyo I hate to disagree but the comparison with being short and boob size doesn't make sense. It's late teehee.

Flowers, listen to your heart! Other posters with autism show that it can be done.

Ditsy4 · 01/01/2016 02:41

But flowers has medical conditions which may mean she hasn't as much time. Flowers why not make this the year from sorting out some things for you and then next year you will be a step nearer to your goal. I hope things start to work out for you. I had two children by 25 but when I look at my daughter of that age I think I must have been quite young. Bringing up children is hard so give yourself a little more time as my daughter is still finding out who she is and I see such a change in her and she is growing in confidence she knows she isn't ready to have children yet. Sort out some of your issues and you will be so much more prepared to have a child.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 01/01/2016 15:35

Happy new year all!

Ditsy I will definitely look into joining an art class, I will probably fit right in (although i'm crap at art)

3little Thank you, that means a lot to me

I may never recover 100%, I'm probably as stable right now as i'll ever be. I'm managing my depression and anxiety really well right now, i'm using different techniques that I've learned from a self-help course I found online. I have had years of therapy and counselling, they are effective in the short-term, but I don't ever expect I will heal completely from my childhood and teen years.

When I said about how I wouldn't let my issues affect my children, I meant that there are certain things I find hard (like going out) that I would force myself to do with children, because I won't let them miss out. I would force myself to go to mum and baby groups, softplay etc and make friends. Having a child will enrich my life i so many ways, but I know it won't be plain sailing.

OP posts:

Pearl143 · 01/01/2016 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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