To wonder how common this is

[thefreshcleanstart]

In the case of lone parents (or even I suppose parents in an unhappy marriage) one child providing emotional support for a parent.

In which case, how best to support the child?

I know the above is a little bit vague but a friend's son is supporting her through her marriage breakdown and it's sad to see.

I try not to be my mother! If my daughter tells me that she's in a new class with people she doesn't know, instead of instantly chiming in with ''you'll get to know them!'' I allow her feel bad about it for a while before I steer her gently towards optimism.

My mother and I get on quite well though. She'd be outraged to read this.

Well said micah

I'm a single parent and my relationship with dd is mother and child. The 'friend' part of our relationship comes from the fact that with just 2 of us she gets to have a fair say in subjects such as 'what do you fancy doing today?' 'mum can x have a sleepover?', because we only need to consider ourselves. Not in subjects such as money, my emotions, my responsibility etc.

It's not an effort not to emotionally abuse my child by expecting her to support me, any more than it's an effort not to physically abuse her. Scum who abuse their children the minute their life isn't perfect will do it whether they're in a couple or single. And placing a child in an adult role by demanding emotional support is abuse. Not just because you are dumping your problems on them and destroying their childhood, but at the same time the child loses their right to parental support.

It's like saying 'I as the adult cannot stand on my own feet and manage this alone. So I will make you, my child, manage it alone instead'

Well, in glad it worked out for you all in the end :)

Thanks Middlemarch

I said thank you, not sure now if you meant me or lurked!

but here, tea all round

Also I should add that while my mother was a single parent, and did this, I don't think it's only single/lone parents. I'm a lone parent, I will do everything in my power to ensure my child never feels responsible for my emotions.
I do think though that often if parents are still together, the other parent will be likely to protect the child. Just as I protected my little brother from all of this and allowed him a childhood.

dd thinks she has to do this to me. I tell her it is not her responsibility she is (age) and she needs to be (age.) it is not her problem to solve. I also tell her that when I am old she is to put me in a home rather than let me drag her down with unreasonable expectations.

You allowed your brother to have a childhood. That's so sad. So selfless of you when you had nobody to parent you. :-/ I hope you're rewarded now with a really close relationship with a well-adjusted brother.

NoMore, just read your previous post. I too was in an abusive relationship, and i agree there is a link.
Unfortunately my brother and I aren't close, he's quite close to our mum and never saw any of the bad things. He doesn't understand why our relationship is strained but I think that's a good thing. I'd hate to feel like I didn't protect him. He's now a kind and well-adjusted man who holds none of the resentment about his childhood that I do.

My ExH uses our DD as a support, she feels incredibly responsible for his happiness even though he has a new partner or three. He talks very emotively with her and involves her in his relationships way to much. The whole scenario is very selfish.
I remind her we are all only responsible for our own happiness. I allow her to be a child and talk to her about or split in an age appropriate way. She needs time to be a child and no have excessive responsibility.

That's sad. You protected him from the bad things and so there's no reward. Your ''reward'' is that he can't fathom your perspective being true. You did a good job.

My mum did this to me, I was 'expendable', my sister wasn't. So when their divorce came through she did her usual dramatics and had a 'breakdown'. Which coincided exactly with the start of my A levels.

Her 'breakdowns' weren't real, weren't then, still aren't now - I presume she's still doing it, I've not seen or spoken to her for over 3 years now. But she would have hysterics and take to her bed when thwarted, or pretend to be ill. As for the divorce, she and my father were every bit as bad as each other, neither could keep their clothes on, but naturally none of it was her fault.

I never did get to sit my A levels.

I don't know what I would say to someone in the same situation to be honest. But I'm still there even today difference being I can recognise it's wrong now and try to distance myself, still feel guilty though. I still feel responsible for my mothers happiness and she still to this day doesn't recognise that I have important feelings too. The lasting damage has been low self-esteem, putting my feelings last or hiding them completely, having no voice and running away from responsibility.

Incidentally my parents never split up and she was never a lone parent. My mother just decided to treat me as an extension of her and confide in me things I should never have heard when I was that little.

no more I did mean you, yes. :)

I still feel responsible for my mothers happiness and she still to this day doesn't recognise that I have important feelings too

This. Again.

Lurked- my mother would never recognise it as abuse, she genuinely thinks she tried her best, and she did in some ways. She also had other adults confirming her behaviour-, "how old is she? 12? Oh that's nice, she'll be getting to be company now, you'll have someone to have proper conversations with".

I agree with the sibling thing too. My younger sibling was allowed to have a relatively protected childhood, it was down to me not to cause upset and "act like the grown up" because i was the older one.

She honestly doesn't realise she does/did it though. My behaviour is always down to "hormones" or that I'm moody if I did anything to displease her.