To wonder how common this is

[thefreshcleanstart]

In the case of lone parents (or even I suppose parents in an unhappy marriage) one child providing emotional support for a parent.

In which case, how best to support the child?

I know the above is a little bit vague but a friend's son is supporting her through her marriage breakdown and it's sad to see.

My XH did this to my eldest dc. It affected them for a long time. As the other parent, it was very difficult to deal with - and hard to spot initially.
I don't know what to suggest, sorry, other than maybe encourage friend's child to talk to someone at school about it?

As early stage advice, I think the mum basically needs more friends to offload on to. Suggesting support in these situations doesn't always work as she may not want formal support.
It depends on how much time you are willing or able to give and whether you could introduce her to others.

lostinmiddlemarch that's a bit of a leap there.

If parents split up purely on the grounds that they both deserve to be a bit happier then your assumption is that they're both reasonable people who can communicate.

90% of the time relationship break downs aren't like that. They break down because the couple can't communicate or compromise, or be faithful, or deal with the pain. And if one person in a marriage is desperately unhappy it's a bad environment, and you cannot, simply cannot be reasonable on behalf of your x for the sake of the children. It doesn't work like that.

Suggesting that parents stay together to avoid this parentification is just nonsense.

No314 v good post. People often don't understand how difficult and harmful to everyone things can become as they may have had what they think are similar experiences, but is has never got too far to work anymore.

This thread is hitting hard.

I don't have any need of support, but I have noticed that DS2 (12yo) has started giving the answers he thinks I want, rather than giving an honest answer when asked what he wants/likes. And it worries me.

Dd was like this. Even though I don't rely on her in this way. She was bullied at school though and became afraid to share her opinion and said what she thought people wanted to hear.

Me and dh worked really hard on this. Our main worry was when she got older she may end up doing something she doesn't want to because she is afraid to say no.

Every Time we asked her what she wanted to do, we asked her and if we suspected she was trying to do the right thing to make us happy we explained that we were asking her opinion and wanted to hear it. She is much better now. It took a while but we got there.

Am I reading a different thread? The OP only says the child is supporting the mother, not that she is using him as an emotional crutch or as a husband substitute. With so little to go on, all the nasty comments seem somewhat premature.

The fact that she says it's sad to see would suggest all is not well. Why would the OP be asking if it's no issue?

This happened to my sister, my mum and dad are together but they went through a rough patch and my mum talked to her as a friend, even telling her about a man she fancied at work.

My sister had get up early in the morning and do the pack lunches for her 3 younger siblings while my mum layed in bed. My sister did resent it but I wouldn't say its effected her so much...she is terribly insecure I suppose but she now has a normal relationship with our mother.

This happened to my dh, although not yo the same exrent as he was at uni when his parents split up. But his mother put a huge pressure on him to take the place of his father. It didn't help that, when his father announced he was leaving, he told dh "I'm leaving your mother, so you loook after her now".

Dh now has a very poor relationship with his mother, and has had counselling to come to terms with what she put him through (which really helped).

Now he is terrified of people's expectations of him and shies away from the first sign of responsibility

My goodness this is me too. I've never realised this before.

I'm really connecting to this thread. I'm sorry to read how many have suffered this, and makes me reflect on my childhood and role to my mum.

But I would like to ask what advice if you have you could give to alert parents NOw to stop themselves if they are doing this?

I'm separated and my ex is a needy sponge. I'm reflecting that I might be making my boys vulnerable to this by allowing them to enter into his woes.

where is or was the tipping point into damaging? I don't want my boys to feel like this in 10 / 30 years, I want to help them now. Thank you Op for posting about this.

nomore

I have to disagree. I think you can put your best foot forward and get along with most people - and treat them with compassion, too. If you're not a reasonable person who can communicate, it was a poor day's work to get married or have children in the first place.

If both parents are working hard at a relationship, it's much less likely that children will end up being pseudo-partners.

Put simply, what you say is nothing more than an ideal. You say " if both parents are working hard at a relationship..........." But the word you use is 'both' Do you understand that you can't control other people's actions? Sensible people have to work around reality.

You can disagree, but without superpowers, you cannot control somebody else's behaviour. That's the huge GAP in your theory. People you describe don't have to split up.

I am very reasonable and easy going and capable of compromise and of putting the children first and wanting what's best for them, and making sacrifices for them, but I am absolutely powerless to make my x operate under the same set of values and criteria . Things aren't so bad now that we've been apart for a long time. But it was the being together that made him incapable of separating getting one over on me, winning, showing me - from thinking first and foremost of the children's best interests.

Reading your posts I'm sure you mean well and want the best for children but your posts show that you do not understand that dynamic at all.

My children and millions like them would if I were still living in misery under the same roof as their father be busy trying to deflate tensions, tiptoe round land mines, stay quiet, avoid saying anything that could get me 'in trouble'.. As things stand, in two households, mind and their fathers, there is peace. NOt a lot of unnecessary communication between the two households but there is peace and because that old dynamic of him trying to win / beat me has died, now I think, ONLY NOW THAT we have no relationship at all, can he be on the same page as me putting the children first.

If you don't understand it, I envy you, but you ought to try, because what you are saying so dogmatically is just so inapplicable to the people who have relationships that aren't working.

But anyway, my children certainly aren't psuedo partners. Aye caramba.

I suppose it depends how necessary it is to turn the ideal into reality. Nobody is perfect and we all have to bear with each other. On the whole, I don't think that enough people are willing to do this, and it's the children who lose out. The risk of turning a child into a pseudo partner is higher partly because there is a lower commitment to marriage. No, we can't control others and nor would we expect every marriage to work out. I do understand that dynamic. But I do think more partnerships could work and where there are children involved, they should be made to.

I can't comment on your circumstances - it's only one anecdotal piece of evidence, just as my view is a personal opinion. It's unfortunate that you married a nasty man but (a) not everyone who divorces is married to someone who is at war with their spouse and (b) many couples don't try every avenue (such as marriage counselling) first and (c) we live in a culture where mutual respect, compassion and loyalty are undervalued; relationships might be different for many people if the culture set a higher value on these qualities.

People are of course completely free to separate from whomever they wish, whenever they wish. But in my view, the altered family dynamics may sometimes be worse for the children.

Well put Midlemarch. Its shocking to see the damage people do to their children that could be avoided with some hard work.

Its not about whether parents are split, stay together, or whatever.

It about the parent forcing a child into an adult role- the child supports, advises, and puts their own needs and wants aside so as not to cause further upset to the suffering the parent.

You can be a single parent and still have a parent child relationship, and get friendship, advice, and other adult emotional support from your adult social circle.

There some people on this thread who are spouting absolute shite.
Stay together with a violent husband?
Work harder if your partner cheats on you?
Pretend everything is ok if your other half rapes you?
You can take your sweeping statements and shove them up your arses.

Yep, this is me too. My parents split when I was very young, but since my mums second marriage failed I've been the grown up in our relationship. I did the shopping, cooked the dinner, made sure my little brother got to school, had clean uniform etc. It started when I was about 12. I've put my mother to bed with a sick bowl when she got outrageously drunk after a boyfriend left, I wiped her tears, took care of her. My brother doesn't understand why I have such a difficult relationship with my mum because I worked my arse off to protect him from it all. I do resent her for it, I've never been able to look to her for emotional support.
I'm not sure how you can help though really. I suppose making sure your friend can confide in you and lean on you rather than her child?
It's a horrible situation for a child to be in, and so sad to see this has happened to so many others

Your view is a personal opinion, of course. It's not just opinion though that the dynamic between the parents can be the very thing that is causing the harm.

If the parents step away from each other, there is a release.

And like I said, often the only power you have is to walk away. You can't control somebody else. It took me years to accept that though. And my story isn't uncommon. My observation is that most women with young children cling on for years long after all of the evidence should have told a sane person that it's pointless and hopeless and they're destroying their children's childhoods by staying.

We only became a family when I took the difficult decision to do what was going to cure the dysfunctional dynamic. There was no point appearing happy on the outside. So much pressure to stay together even when the effect of that on the children is devastating.

So to anybody reading this who might be where I was about a decade ago, I'd advise that they take stock of the real situation, consider the characters involved, the dynamics between them, willingness to compromise on the part of their partner, their partner's level of selflessness or selfishness, their partner's ability to admit reason, the needs of the children etc.... All of this needs to be considered as it is what's relevant. It is very sad to read posters who can't understand what it's like to go through this advise staying together. It's well-meaning but delusionally mis-guided 'ah try to stay together for the kids sake''. It was me that had to be the brave one to leave. I had to do it without his 'permission' as he would have kept "the family" together, totally dysfunctionally under one roof.

Families who stay together, their dysfunction is less noticeable though. Their children get no help or allowances or support.

Don't think anyone suggested any of that mine. Only sweeping statements are coming from you

no more I wouldn't be a fan of staying together for the look of the thing, either. My point was more nuanced to be honest.

Absolutely Micah.

I'm not proud of this particularly, I'm not looking for an award, but my children in over 8 years have never seen me with another man. I'm sure plenty of married mothers drink too much and get too sick. It's being suggested here, subtly that splitting up and becoming a single parent is the start of a downward spiral! What nonsense.

For me, it was the making of me. My strength could finally be channelled in to my children's bests interests instead of my strength being used up surviving the dreadful relationship.

Cwtch- yes "never been able to look to her for emotional support".

Exactly. Another comment that resonates.

nomore i hear you really. I do. It's just that you can't get a bully to see nuance!

In fact I often say to friends and family that now, finally, I'm glad my x was SO hard to live with because if he'd been just a little bit selfish, just a little bit unreasonable, just a little bit controlling, just a little bit bad tempered, I'd still be there.

And thank god I'm not because we're all happy now. My x too.

Actually, I've never been able to look to my (married) mother for emotional support. It's part of the reason I ended up in an abusive relationship. Which is not the same as blaming her. I just see the link. And I forgive her. Her baby died. Her husband was depressed. She had nothing left for the member of the family that just got up and did what she was told. If I am ever having a glum day she will get so cross with me. I am just not allowed to be down for ten seconds, I've told her off in the past. "let me wallow for 24 hours for fuck's sake". But even if I've lost my job and I feel down, and I'm good at cheering myself up later, she won't tolerate any sadness, at all. And my parents were together. But it goes back to dynamics and how we functioned I guess.