Shared care parenting -holiday requests 15 nights away, unreasonable?

[Claratark]

First time post-I feel very emotional about this issue and I would like to hear the opinions of other parents out there. I will try to give the facts rather than be emotive but to be honest my stomach is in knots, I am only just realising that my ongoing situation is causing me chronic stress which has been effecting my immunity, health and having knock on effects on other areas of my life such as work. I am an active Mum, I work hard for my girls and try to be fair towards my soon to be ex-husband. I feel like I am constantly waiting for the next emotional blow.
I am the mother of two daughters who are 4 year old and 6 years old. Their father and I have been separated now for two years now. We have a shared care parenting arrangement where the girls stay with me for 4 nights and him 3 nights a week. This was decided by us rather than courts, my ex constantly requests 50/50 access but I disagreed to this due to the fact that he gets to see the girls more over the school holidays and because of their age. It isn't ideal for either of us but I really try to be fair for the sake of the girls. I don't like sharing the care of our daughters and feel like a part-time mum, all I wanted from life was to be a good mum, but I empathise with Dad's that miss out on parenting. I work hard to bridge the gaps with email hand overs and trying to put our daughters needs always first.

My current issue is that my ex has requested to take out daughters away on holiday for 15 nights in July (he hasn't informed me where). I personally feel like this is too long at their age. Actually, when I say requested, I feel more like I have been told that this is what he intends to do. I feel bullied. I have expressed verbally and via email that I am against this length of time. Last year he took them away for (I think), 10 nights and they returned very emotional and clingy. I would never consider taking them away from their father for such a long period at such a young age as I value their attachments .

My oldest daughter seems to be more effected by our situation and gets unsettled when she is out of her usual routeen. During the Christmas period my daughter expressed her feelings to me. We discussed her concerns and talked about her putting dates on her Ipad so she knows what she is doing and feels more empowered. Then his holiday plan came, I expressed all my concerns to my ex but I don't think he hears me, he has his own agenda.

I don't want to be unreasonable but it feels wrong for both my daughters and me at such a young age.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

As gently as possibly yabu. If he is a good loving caring father they will be fine.

I think YABU op, sorry. Children can have attachments to more than one adult, and they are bound to be securely attached to their father as they regularly spend nearly half their time with him.

My eldest dd has regularly spent 2/3 weeks straight at her dad's over the summer, and she has been completely fine. She's happy with him and loved by him, so there's no problem. We split up when she was 1, btw. She's 11 now and not showing any signs of damage from this arrangement!

My youngest dd has NC with her father. Which is bloody hard for me as I never get a break. I know my crap situation doesn't make yours seem easier, but if I got a two week break from the pair of them I'd be in heaven (much as I love them, but it is relentless and exhausting!). You've got a long period of notice here to make sure you have a lovely time while they will no doubt be enjoying themselves on holiday - book things in which are normally impossible to do with dc around and use that time to recharge your batteries.

If they seemed clingy after the last holiday, perhaps they were just overtired? Holidays, with the change of routine, travelling and later bedtimes (ime) can be completely exhausting for little ones and it can take a while for them to 'get back to normal'. Doesn't mean they didn't have a great time when they were there.

He's their dad. I don't think there's much you can do about the situation, so I'd try and be as positive as you can about it, which they will pick up on.

Sorry but I think yabu. I have shared care of my Ds 14 and have done since he was tiny. He has regularly gone on holiday for 2-3 weeks with his dad. Yes I hated it but it's not about me.

OP, I know exactly how you feel, but I suspect YABU. They will enjoy the holiday and although they missed you and were clingy when they returned, they were fine after a few days. If it had created long lasting emotional issues I would be saying YANBU, but they do need to be able to spend a decent amount of time with their dad every so often too (I hate this as my kid's dad is an abusive nightmare to me, but seems to be doing a good enough job with them when he sees them, it is very hard for me).

Like others have said - yes it is hard but it is about them, so if you speak to them positively about it, they will be fine.

5 and 7 are not ages that are too young. I agree they were probably over tired and they missed you, that's normal, but not something you should do anything about.

It's your job as parents to prepare them for life, for change and for routines to change now and again.

If you let children pick up on your anxiety and allow their routines to trump yours, you are setting ill advised precedents.

The children will be fine, they are with a man they love, who spends almost half the week with them, who is able and happy to care for them adequately

Your children have 2 functioning parents, they need to have both of you doing the best for them.

I think you need to think about your own life balance too, find something to do when you don't have the children, or perhaps a relationship, then you won't have so much anxiety about being alone when they are away. As they grow older they will need to spend more and more time away from their parents forging independent lives in the long run. You have to think long term.

I'm sorry but I also think YABU.

I have the same set up (4/3 nights) with EH, and we've done this since we had 4 kids under 4 (teens now).

It is so expensive to take a large family away that we always did 2 weeks (more cost effective overall) and we each have taken the DCs away for long lengths of time.

I missed them so much when they were little and they were sometimes clingy when they got back, but I don't believe that had anything to do with attachment- just a change to routine which can be unsettling, however exciting it is.

The DCs are not going to be harmed by having 15 nights with their dad and eventually YOU will want to take them away, too.

Hi op,
firstly good for you on the shared parenting you really sound like you're trying to do the very best for the girls and your ex.p.
I have real sympathy here, my children are 5 and 9 and both miss me on a week away and are ready to come home. (I start geting phone calls and 'how many sleeps left?' questions). They love their dad or their grandparents or whoever takes them away and are perfectly safe etc but they are closest to me and it takes it's toll after a few days.
I would struggle with feeling 15 nights was ideal if I was in your shoes, particularly difficult if the children are expressing that already.
I think if you can't negotiate with your ex it might be about what a pp said re skype calls etc. My dp's ex skypes his daughters when we are away and your girls might feel thats a good compromise?
But I really do empathise with your position here. Id try appealing to your exp first maybe saying the girls are worrying instead of looking forward to it..?

Yabu. Your Co parenting. You have to accept they are going to be away from you. They deserve time with their dad just as much as their mum - I don't think 50/50 access is unreasonable. Let them have a fun two weeks holiday with heir dad like normal kids do.

Sorry but I think Yabu- I am a lone parent with a similar set up - I have taken them away for 10/14 days - from aged 2,6 and 8. I would have been upset if my ex husband had tried to stop me
Plan some time away yourself - I am sorry but this is about you not them x

I'm with ghosty - unless there is a huge backstory of abuse here I think you're being unreasonable. 2 weeks is fine, their dad seems to want to spend time with them and has fought for 50/50 custody.

I think your anxieties and personal feelings are rubbing off massively on them. Emotional and clingy is often the default for children tired by travelling (mine were like this after a four hour car journey - with both parents!) so I'm not sure that this is any indicator. You haven't made mention at all about whether they enjoyed themselves while they were away which I think if he is a good dad, then they would?

Yanbu. Xdh and I have similar care arrangements to you and for the 5 years we've been separated we've agreed to 7 days max. Dd wouldn't want to be away from either of us for longer. And at risk of being flamed ... Little children need their mums as a constant reliable presence. Even as a teenager I hated when either of my parents were away. They need you.

Ok dp and I are not separated but our children 6 and 8 spend two weeks of summer holiday with each side grandparent then the last two with dp and I and they are not traumatised. They are with family who love them just not me. I have to gently say yabu

If you believe ExH to look after them properly, YABU. If you have any concerns about his parenting, they need to be addressed (tho I'm not quite sure how).
DH and I have frequently had to be away with work for a week to 10 days. Recently I had the kids (6 and 4) for 3 months, including a weeks holiday where we saw DH for 3 days.
I've just flown them a third of the way round the world, without DH, to spend Christmas with my parents. So not only did I take them away from Home and their Dad, it was over Christmas.And then I left them for a day with my Mum to go see my very ill Grandmother.
Yes, the parent not with the kids misses them, and the boys miss the parent, and are clingy when reunited, but it has never been a problem.
I think you need to really explore your reticence to this, as I suspect there is more than the girls best interests at heart.

Gentle YABU

DH and I are not separated but he still takes the DC on holiday for more than 2 weeks without me. He is from another country and goes to visit his family (he is self employed so can take a larger block of time in the summer than me).

Its hard for me but has had no impact on my relationship with the DC at all (now 8 & 12)

Op, yabu and i think you're using the dc ages as an excuse as to why you don't want them away from you. This is all about you - not them.

I don't like sharing the care of our daughters and feel like a part-time mum.....the girls stay with me for 4 nights and him 3 nights a week...This was decided by us rather than courts, my ex constantly requests 50/50 access but I disagreed to this due to the fact that he gets to see the girls more over the school holidays and because of their age

whilst your feelings re being 'separated' from the dc are understandable, they don't trump the dc need to be able to spend quality time with both their parents. You already 'get more time' with them during the week, you won't give him 50/50 so he has to settle for extra days in the holidays instead - at which point you begrudge him that time too....and use their ages as an excuse to not let him have more time with them.

He loves those dc too, i bet he misses them too hence his desire for 50/50, yet he's working with you for it all to be as fair as possible...and you're still looking for 'reasons' to justify him having less contact with his dc.

you're dc are not going to love you less just because they develop a strong and healthy relationship with their dad. you both brought them into this world so you are both responsible for their welfare.....they are not possessions that belong 'more to me than you'.

how are these nights in the school-week shared between you? do you get to spend a full weekend each with the dc?

If it was a flip situation ( you wanted to take them away for two weeks) and he said no, would you think he was being unreasonable? I guess so.

Its not an unreasonable request in your situation, seems fine and realistic - two weeks in a caravan with young children is a perfectly sensible thing to do.

They will survive without you, you need to put something in place for you to do while they are away instead of winding yourself up , Misssing them.

I don't suppose their dad particually likes shared care either ( dads & daughters and all that) I bet he'd like them full time too. You are both Full time parents- even if you don't have them I your physical care 24/7.

It seems that its your life that's lacking, and impacting on their. Don't let it.

OP

I have two youngish DC's with my STBXH and I'll be honest, I don't think either my ex or I would contemplate taking them away 14 days at a time. 14 days feels like a lifetime at such a young age. Mine even miss their toys/ beds when away for a week.

If you want my honest advice however, can you talk to your eldest about this? And gain their thoughts? Talk to your ex first and say that's the route you want to take. Are you able to sit as a foursome and discuss it over a coffee etc? (My ex is a twunt of the highest order but for the DC's we sit and have these sorts of conversations together).

Re the iPad. I have a printed off schedule stuck to the fridge at our house. Stating which weekends / dates etc they are with their dad and when they are with me. My eldest looks at it a lot. Really helps him get their mind around what's going on.

I feel for you OP, I do think 14 days is a lot to be away from either parent. And FWIW I don't think you're making this about you, you sound as though you are being as fair as possible. Suggest the talk over a coffee about it (but if your DC's say they are ok with it, then you have to get on board). On the flip side I think you're really lucky having a dad so engaged, I'm having to corral and push my ex into doing more and not cancelling arranged visits. Believe you me that's just as unsettling to the poor mites.

TooSassy Yes, agree with you. And OP you're allowed to have feelings that are as valid as everyone else's and deserve to be taken into account and respected the same as everyone else's.

I think 2 weeks is too long for either parent, if avoidable with ease, at this age. OP I still think you and your ex should talk it all over, if at all possible, to try to resolve this in the children's interests.

They need loving and safe relationships with both parents, and when this small I do think that should mean not having too long away from either one of you, personally. Good luck with it all.

YABU - they are already spending 3 nights/week with their father. So spending extra days with him is not such a big change.

Holidays are a disruption to the normal routine. That is the point of them. Therefore it is normal for DCs to take a few days to settle back to their normal routine.

I have 50/50 shared care of my now 10 year old, and we've been doing this for 8 years.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling it's too long. I've seen first hand how much my son struggles with being away from his dad for more than a week, and I know he is the same if he goes away with his dad. Or sometimes we have gone on a holiday he didn't want to join us on and he misses me terribly.

The relationship between me and his father is and always has been amicable, actually...friendly.

Our longest break has been 10 nights when he was 8 and it's a repeat trip we do every year. He requested not to come last year, as he found it easier to be absent from me in the familiarity of his father's home than the disruption of routine and change of scenery on holiday.

We have built up to the length of holiday, meaning we sacrificed doing some stuff for a few years but I knew my son and his dad agreed we needed to meet his emotional needs and development, not just take the line that 'he has to get used to it'.

YANBU. I have never been away on holiday for much longer than a week for myself as I find more than a week away from home too long. I was exhausted after 10 days at my DM with the DC one year and prefer to take them for a few days.

Their father takes them away for about 7 days at most and that is plenty. There is a huge period of adjustment when they come back. Sleep schedules are all over the place, they are tired, whingey emotional, full of complaints... eldest tells me about all the favouritism shown to youngest by family relatives etc. This takes a while to settle down and I get the brunt of it which I'm told is normal.

I do think 15 days is too long particularly as yours are a couple of years younger than mine. It's good that you are working on 50/50 care the rest of the time but I do think maybe express your concerns over length of time involved. Maybe too late to do anything this year but get an agreement with ex for next year.

Well I think, as they were unsettled after 10 days you should say no to two weeks this year but agree to one week and reconsider next year.