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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's good friend possibly stolen money from him

76 replies

Cloggies · 29/12/2015 17:13

Hi, I am new here so bear with me.
On Boxing Day I had a family over who we've been good friends with since nursery, their daughter and son are same ages as ours- 9 and 12 respectively. They left late that night and my son came down stating that £30 from his £40 Christmas money was missing from his wallet as well as his phone. He checked every where- we checked everywhere, we checked our daughter's room- tipped literally everything upside down, opened unopenable piggybanks as well. As dd was in a foul mood that evening (because her friend wasn't allowed to stay over that night) we really thought she took it from her brother out of spite, however his friend wasn't allowed to stay over either so there was no reason for her to feel that way.
We eventually found the phone in our bedroom under a drawer unit (why?!) but not the money. We decided to sleep on it and spoke to them the next day- again we asked ds whether he had taken it out to pay for something I was going to buy or whether he had hidden it himself to get more money!! We also asked dd again to owe up now so we can put it to bed and move on. She denied taking the money again and certainly there were no traces of guilt, only tears of being seen as a suspect. We stated to them both that we would now have to contact the parents- our friends- and ask them to check with their kids- essentially accusing them- which would put their kids and our friendship into jeopardy. Still denial from our kids- which makes me think that our kids genuinely have nothing to do with it, especially dd as she was horrified to find that she would lose a friend through this! We also suggested that both dd and our youngest son (6 year old- exonerated by virtue of checking all his piggybanks and room too!) should give him £10 of their Christmas money to him so all then have £30. They were happy to do this!

So, however we've gone ahead and asked our friends to check with their kids to see if they knew where it could be but they also denied it and now their mum has texted that we should not meet up anymore for Hogmanay and perhaps meet up on New Year's Day for the run....

I think we've lost a friendship now but I hope that one of the kids owe up. Does anyone feel we could have done it differently or any suggestions or thoughts?
Thanks very much!

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2015 18:42

But they haven't had a chance to spend it so if they had done something witg it surely they'd have found it when they ransacked the house?

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2015 18:42

I'm dying to know where it's been hidden and why

DurhamDurham · 29/12/2015 18:50

I think there's too many ifs and buts to have involved the other family. The phone ending up in the parent's room under a chest of drawers, the op suspecting her own daughter etc.
I don't think I would mention it unless there were no other possible explanations and in this case there are.
Also I wouldn't take tears as a sign of innocence, my two girls usually got more upset when they were guilty than when they were innocent.
Also I think when the decision was made to contact the family it should have been done over the phone rather than by text as it's really easy to take things the wrong way that way.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/12/2015 18:54

It's not difficult to think if a child has taken it that they would take some and leave some. So it's not immediately obvious that it's gone, so that the child still has some, they had something in mind that costs £30.

myhusbandisagrump · 29/12/2015 18:54

Hmmm. The phone being found under the chest of drawers in OPs room makes me suspicious. Did the OP's children and the visiting children go into that bedroom while they were there? If not, why was the phone found there? I'm wondering if OPs DD took the phone and money, panicked when she realized that everyone was searching so thoroughly and quickly shoved the phone under the drawers. That doesn't explain where the money is though.

bimbobaggins · 29/12/2015 18:55

I also agree that it is very unfair of your other children to give up their own christmas money. What ort of message does this send your son, i dont need to look afte belongings/money as it wil be replaced by my siblings.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2015 18:57

It's possible the phone was the dd and the money is an entirely separate event.

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2015 19:07

All I would say is that in my experience, and my friends, our children are capable of Oscar winning performances whilst denying that that they have done/taken anything (including ordering via Internet).

PagesOfABook · 29/12/2015 19:20

No way on earth would I ring another parent in these circumstances essentially suggesting their child is a thief.

RideEmCowgirl · 29/12/2015 19:22

Unfortunately my ds has done Oscar winning performances too. And he stole from family friends. Fortunately they were extremely understanding.

QuartzUcan · 29/12/2015 19:24

What a shame an adult friendship seems to have been lost over this 😐
I am sure you will or will not get to the bottom of it eventually. Unfortunately it seems that you have lost this adult friendship by pursuing the point of the disappearance of money and accusing someone outside of your home of being the thief/perpetrator.

Sometimes this is wise, sometimes not; only you know the difference.
Best wishes OP

Iwantakitchen · 29/12/2015 19:28

Something similar happened here over Christmas, we noticed that some money went missing from DSs wallet after a friend came over for a play. Spoke to DH at length about it and decide to not invite that friend again, he has caused pretty bad stuff here before, turned DS' room upside down, hidden his tablet, emptied a tub of my handcream in DH's cup that he keeps next to our bed, etc. Decided not to speak to other parents about it as I can't prove 100% that the child took the money but he won't be coming here again. If I could prove beyond doubt that it was him then I would talk to parents.

MooseAndSquirrel · 29/12/2015 19:36

The blame would lie with my kid if that happened here. Xmas money is kept in her wallet on the shelf - if it had been taken out to show off or whatever, its their own carless fault. I assume ur s had taken it out whilst his friend was there, otherwise, why on earth would he of checked it after the friend had left. My bet is its lost or hidden in one of the rooms.
Making your other kids cover his loss is harsh. His money, his responsibly.
I think as you don't know what was done before hand, when it disappeared (unless u checked just before they visited and just after they left) or what the boys were doing upstairs, you were out of order to text the other mum. There really isn't any evidence pointing to her child, and its rude to accuse someone like that.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2015 19:37

And if it was taken off her shelf without her knowledge is it still her fault?

ToomuchChocolatemeansBootcamp · 29/12/2015 19:58

You totally lost my sympathy at the point where you made your other, younger? children PAY their money over!! What the hell does that teach anyone? DS thinks hey doesn't matter what I do with mine, Mum will make the others cover it, the others feel resentful - as they should! Totally unfair.

MooseAndSquirrel · 29/12/2015 21:39

giles its a dam high shelf so unless slender man is coming in, its not coming off the shelf without her knowledge, and if it does go missing its clearly the 6ft tall 7yr old
Its her carefully chosen place so there is no way it can get lost/misplaced or more likely messed around with.

Original poster

Cloggies · 29/12/2015 21:42

Ok, a variety of opinions here! Thanks for all the supportive and the not so supportive comments! I should clarify that that evening my ds had the money in his closed wallet- yes on his desk, unfortunately- and that same evening after they left, the wallet was open and £30 out of the £40 was gone. The same for the phone, initially on the desk, then gone. So, no, not washed or lost in the house and I'm afraid it's not a pigsty and I already said we checked everywhere and every room that same evening. Also, we phoned our friends, not texted them- she texted us back. And also, the reason why I suggested for the other kids to share their money is to see if one of them would then own up by admitting it or simply being angry. I agree it wouldn't be fair otherwise. We actually replaced his money ourselves. We certainly don't want to accuse their kids and had said on the phone: awkward situation but needed to do something and at least see if their kids knew in case the boy/girl had hidden it for fun! Who knows, but the last thing we want is to lose a friendship over it, but I would like to know, if I were in their shoes, if my kids had anything to do with it as it is very worrying as stealing even for fun is wrong. If it was £5 or so we wouldn't have bothered but it's not. At least all the kids know to keep their money out of sight of anyone now...

OP posts:

tropicalfish · 29/12/2015 23:18

hi Cloggies,
Im with you. I think I as a parent would want the opportunity to talk to my kids if there was a problem etc. Who knows, could point to larger problem of drug addiction etc. The chances are though, if the parent confronted their son about this then they would just deny it. IMO you did the right thing and it may have been to the cost of your friendship. I suspect the parent is unlikely to come clean with you even if they find out their son took the money. It would just be too embarrassing, especially as you might tell other other people you both know.
Its a bit odd that he left the wallet open. Bizarre. I think the moral of the story is to make sure your valuables are not in plain sight.
tf

ShelaghTurner · 29/12/2015 23:27

So the kids have absolutely denied all knowledge, the house has been searched from top to bottom. This proof of which you speak is never going to happen either way, so you just let £30 wander out of your house? You don't know that it was their kids, but equally you don't know that it wasn't. And there's only one way to find out. No it's not pleasant but if there's a thief around you have to know about it. If there was the slightest chance that either of my children had lifted a significant amount of money from a friend's house I'd want to know about it so that I can either address their suspicions or put it to rights if it was one of mine. Far better that than for someone to not have asked but be wandering around thinking my children are thieves.

Enjolrass · 30/12/2015 07:11

And also, the reason why I suggested for the other kids to share their money is to see if one of them would then own up by admitting it or simply being angry.

That doesn't make sense. If one of your children took it, they had £70. To give their brother £10, leaves them with £60. Why would they get angry?

Tbh I would be angry if someone told me I had to give up my money because my brother, who has form for losing stuff, has lost his money. Anger wouldn't prove anything.

I also find it odd that your op never mentioned that you didn't actually make them hand over the money and that you replaced it.

I wouldn't approach friends about this, unless I had proof. I was once accused of doing something by my mums friend and it was awful.

OP how did the phone get where it did?

SSargassoSea · 30/12/2015 08:07

No it's not pleasant but if there's a thief around you have to know about it

And you would use Thumbscrews? water torture? .. exactly what to ensure you are getting the truth.

If you make a big song and dance about it you might find one DC 'owning up' even if they didn't do it just to stop all the angst!

I would say you've sorted it well OP, they've learned that everyone needs to look after their money more in future.

Clawdy · 30/12/2015 09:56

Depends if you think losing friends is "sorting it well".

Hissy · 30/12/2015 10:02

Neighbours of ours had a Christmas dinner party, only their friends invited.

Her wedding rings were taken from her en suite bathroom upstairs

Police questioned everyone at the party, but the rings never turned up

People steal.

I reckon the parents know their kids have taken the money and don't know what to do/say.

It's very sad on all fronts.

amarmai · 31/12/2015 14:29

Teachers can tell you that in every class there is at least 1 child who is addicted to stealing and actively watches out and plans to do it daily plus several others who are occasional, opportunistic thieves. They grow up and continue this as they receive material and psychological rewards . Of course there are also consequences and punishments if caught, but they beleive they are smarter than their victims and will not get caught -until they do. Also when caught if they consistently deny and if there is no proof , they get away with it and experience more psychological rewards.

Gruntfuttock · 31/12/2015 14:39

How odd for whoever took the money to leave the wallet open and with £10 still in it. Why not close it as he/she found it? Why leave £10?

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