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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's good friend possibly stolen money from him

76 replies

Cloggies · 29/12/2015 17:13

Hi, I am new here so bear with me.
On Boxing Day I had a family over who we've been good friends with since nursery, their daughter and son are same ages as ours- 9 and 12 respectively. They left late that night and my son came down stating that £30 from his £40 Christmas money was missing from his wallet as well as his phone. He checked every where- we checked everywhere, we checked our daughter's room- tipped literally everything upside down, opened unopenable piggybanks as well. As dd was in a foul mood that evening (because her friend wasn't allowed to stay over that night) we really thought she took it from her brother out of spite, however his friend wasn't allowed to stay over either so there was no reason for her to feel that way.
We eventually found the phone in our bedroom under a drawer unit (why?!) but not the money. We decided to sleep on it and spoke to them the next day- again we asked ds whether he had taken it out to pay for something I was going to buy or whether he had hidden it himself to get more money!! We also asked dd again to owe up now so we can put it to bed and move on. She denied taking the money again and certainly there were no traces of guilt, only tears of being seen as a suspect. We stated to them both that we would now have to contact the parents- our friends- and ask them to check with their kids- essentially accusing them- which would put their kids and our friendship into jeopardy. Still denial from our kids- which makes me think that our kids genuinely have nothing to do with it, especially dd as she was horrified to find that she would lose a friend through this! We also suggested that both dd and our youngest son (6 year old- exonerated by virtue of checking all his piggybanks and room too!) should give him £10 of their Christmas money to him so all then have £30. They were happy to do this!

So, however we've gone ahead and asked our friends to check with their kids to see if they knew where it could be but they also denied it and now their mum has texted that we should not meet up anymore for Hogmanay and perhaps meet up on New Year's Day for the run....

I think we've lost a friendship now but I hope that one of the kids owe up. Does anyone feel we could have done it differently or any suggestions or thoughts?
Thanks very much!

OP posts:

Clawdy · 29/12/2015 17:56

I think I would have sadly written off the money,and not texted the friend. It does sound a bit like an accusation.

rosebiggs · 29/12/2015 17:56

Could your ds have hidden the phone to back up his story of the money going missing?
Why would the visiting children hide the phone and steal the money - that makes no sense at all.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/12/2015 17:56

The problem with kids and money is they can be careless so I don't think I would have jumped to the conclusion that the money had been stolen.

Making it such a big deal by telling your DCs that it could cost them the friendship with the other children might have made it even more difficult for them to own up.

I think you handled it badly all round tbh. Your other DCs shouldn't have had to make up the missing money. You shouldn't have put pressure on them about losing the friendships and you shouldn't have texted your friend. I guess the only upside is that you spotted the phone under the drawers, otherwise you'd have been accusing them of stealing it too

SladeGreen · 29/12/2015 17:57

You say you found your DS's phone in your bedroom, but were your guests ever in there?

rosebiggs · 29/12/2015 17:57

How long after they left did your ds notice that the money was gone?

My ds's wouldn't have noticed until they attempted to spend it.

SladeGreen · 29/12/2015 17:59

Also, no you definitely shouldn't have got your other kids to make up the money. Your DS was responsible for looking after his money, not anyone else. What does that teach him? Absolute sod all.

rosebiggs · 29/12/2015 18:01

Yes why do the younger kids have to make up the cash?!
I missed that.

GloriousGoosebumps · 29/12/2015 18:02

I'm another who thinks it's wrong of you to ask your other children to give their Christmas money to your son when they are not responsible for the theft or disappearance of his money. If you feel that the money should be replaced then it is you as the parent who should be doing the replacing.

HPsauciness · 29/12/2015 18:03

If the phone was under a chest of drawers, it wasn't stolen, was it? It was mislaid, which is most likely what happened to the money as well.

My children have sworn blind they have lost/someone has stolen their money, in every case, they have a poor memory of what they did with it or it turns up somewhere else.

In this instance, is it very likely the 12 year old friend went and got the money out of the wallet? I wouldn't say so, at least, he didn't take the phone, did he?

You can't take back that you texted your friend, I hope you pitched it as a mystery of the missing money and not about stolen money given you really don't know it was stolen. Perhaps he lent it to his friend and is now mortified about being found out, perhaps it's down the back of the bed, perhaps it was in an envelope and not in the wallet and got thrown away.

I don't think you have any proof it was all stolen and I wouldn't ask the other children to pay. Ultimately you can't prove any one child did anything, so they have to be believed that they are telling the truth for now, which is that none says they did it.

GloriaHotcakes · 29/12/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 18:05

I think since you found the phone under drawers it's likely that your son has lost it somewhere.

It depends on what your text said, tbh.

Sounds like one child is careless and your dd can be spiteful? So I wouldn't be sure.

I think ywbvu to get your other kids to make up his money.

HPsauciness · 29/12/2015 18:06

I would also say as a parent, that £30 replacement is better than losing a friendship. I would cover the money myself for the child, but also help them try to find it.

Also- why does the boy in the other family get accused? Was he the only one in your son's room? Who knows if the money was definitely in his wallet- and as others have said, why was he looking in his wallet after his friend went, and why did he jump to the conclusion the phone was stolen when it was not? All very fishy to me.

For £30, I would keep a watchful eye on all of them, but not make a fuss with the other family at all, it's extremely unlikely they are thieves!

MagicMojito · 29/12/2015 18:11

Yes sorry, but I agree that its really not fair to make the other kids pay for your son loseing his money (although its a credit to you that they were happy to do it )

I'd not ask the other party unless I was absolutely sure their kids had taken it tbh. Too much hassle over something your not even sure of.

MrsUltra · 29/12/2015 18:12

yadbu asking your other children to give up their own Christmas money because your eldest lost/had his stolen. That's not fair.
This,
Can't believe you did this!
Surely you can replace the money, move on and take better care of it next time.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2015 18:13

Did he ever take it out of the wallet?

those saying he should look after his money.

if he kept it in his wallet then surely it was where it was supposed to be. are yku saying it's ok to say he had to hide the wallet/bag in.ordwr for ot to not get taken but not ok to think.it could have been taken?

where was his wallet

Theimpossiblegirl · 29/12/2015 18:16

DD always loses money and gift vouchers. This year I took them as soon as she opened them and keep them in a jiffy bag in my handbag. Stuff gets lost, especially at Christmas.

As for the phone, my friend's DS couldn't find his Kindle Fire after we left, she texted, hoping we had it and after much digging, it was confessed that they were taking turns to hide it. It turned up the next day in his underwear drawer. Not for a moment did I feel accused, but neither did she think my kids had taken it.

PingpongDingDong · 29/12/2015 18:19

I do feel for you and your ds op, things like that are maddening BUT there is no way on earth you can broach something like that with friends about their kids and expect them to be OK about it.

I learned this the hard way, no stealing involved but broached the subject of friend's Dd's behaviour at our house. They never spoke to me again and the fall out with mutual friends was horrendous. I would never, ever do it again. I'd sooner suck it up and slowly distance myself if I really thought they were to blame.

PingpongDingDong · 29/12/2015 18:20

Oh and Dd lost a cheque sent by her grandad TWICE!!!! He was kind enough to replace it!

LyndaNotLinda · 29/12/2015 18:30

Why would the friend's child/ren steal £30 and not £40? That doesn't make sense. And why on earth have you made your other children stump up his lost cash? That doesn't make sense either

ShelaghTurner · 29/12/2015 18:31

OK but supposing it was the other child? At what point do you mention it?

SSargassoSea · 29/12/2015 18:35

Kids do funny things. I can remember as a teen being sick with envy of other wealthier more fashionable class mates. Perhaps the visiting child owed someone or felt unfairly treated or who knows?

I would have let it go. But made it known that I suspected one of the visiting DCs could be guilty. So that my DCs knew to be careful with money around them in the future. Then forget about it.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 18:35

OK but supposing it was the other child? At what point do you mention it?

When you have proof?

tropicalfish · 29/12/2015 18:36

We once had some really good friends over with their daughter who was about 13 at the time. After they left, the next day, my husband found all the money in his wallet gone. He was absolutely certain that there should have been money there as he had just been to the cashpoint friday evening and hadnt left the house until Sunday. We spoke to our dd who said she hadnt taken it and he went through her stuff, checked her purse etc. Well then we thought it must have been the other girl. We pondered long and hard what to do as these are very close friends and they are part of a large group so it might affect that if we brought it up. My mum thought we should just drop it. The money isnt worth spoiling a friendship over. However, as a principle, we decided to mention it to the dad, in that we were concerned that his dd had taken it as we didnt have any other explanation as to where it had gone.
He asked her and she admitted she had taken it although to buy an expensive gift for a friend. He apologised profusely..
Sadly, it has affected things slightly in that the whole situation caused me alot of angst. For some reason, he never gave us back the money, probably because it was very embarrassing. We havent had them round since then on their own.

Personally if it had been my dd, I would have driven her over, made her hand over the money and apologise. I guess to me, it just indicated to me that they had different values. A related issue is the mum has some health and mental health issues and he never told her, probably because he didnt want to cause her stress. However, I still think he could have given back the money.
On the other hand, I try to think of Stephen Fry who in his youth stole some cheques, and I think I would forgive him for what he did. This situation isnt too different.
Generally, I think the parents are of very high integrity. I think he was just embarrassed about the money and found it too painful to pay it back.
In this case, we were certain about the money, it wasnt misplaced. If we had 10% doubt about it we wouldnt have raised the issue.

witsender · 29/12/2015 18:38

I assumed the OP suggested the others make up the money just to see whether that made them own up?

HPsauciness · 29/12/2015 18:39

Why would the other child take £30 and not £40? Why would you check your money in your wallet late at night? Surely you would only notice next time you went to pay for something.

I think it's more likely the boys cooked up something between them, as phone also hidden. Or it's lost in the Christmas mayhem.

You cannot know it was the other boy anyway, so all accusations are bound to be hurtful.

My children have bare-faced lied to me when the stakes were very high and cried in a very believable way. I don't think these things can be determined by your gut feeling that your own children are upset and therefore wouldn't do it.

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