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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re lie ins?

51 replies

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 10:35

I might well BU here.

DH is complaining that he never gets lie ins - which he doesn't, due to his own choices IMO.

Weekdays he gets up at 5:30ish (so he can get to work an hour early to have breakfast and get sorted before work). He goes to bed around 11 (sofa dozes from 9ish).
He doesn't do night wakings as he isn't safe at work if he's tired.

I have trouble sleeping and go to bed anytime between 1-3am most nights, up at 7:30 for school.
I get 3-6hrs sleep depending on how many times the kids are up.

Weekends DH wakes early 6/7ish, and can't stay asleep due to his body clock and the fact our 18mo DC2 comes in and cosleeps/BFs any time from 5:30-7 onwards.
DH gets up and dressed, so i usually ask him to take the kids downstairs with him so I can sleep.
I do say if he thinks he can get back to sleep to tell me so I can take the kids downstairs and let him lie in - he almost never does this.

This morning he had an almighty grump about not having lie ins - turns out what he really wants is 'quiet time' on his own downstairs away from the kids, maybe dozing on the sofa or just 'relaxing'.
Our house is tiny, so when I went down with the kids he'd be awake/disturbed immediately.

So, AIBU that once you have kids you don't get to have 'quiet time' on your own when they're awake? We get our own time after they've gone to bed.

And AIBU that if he wants a lie in he needs to stay upstairs in bed and i'll go downstairs when the kids are up - for him to have a genuinely undisturbed sleep I'd have to wake them stupidly early and take them downstairs.
If he's already up I thought it logical that he had the kids and I sleep - surely there's no point us both being up early if one can sleep?

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 11:14

Yep, he takes them downstairs when they get up, he's often been on his own for an hour or so by then, other times he'll have DC2 from the start and then DC1 joins them.

My main confusion this morning was realising he considered downstairs time on his own a lie in.
I'm one of those that stays in bed for as long as physically possible, we're just very different.

OP posts:

TotalConfucius · 29/12/2015 11:16

Another one who thinks he needs to stay upstairs. Downstairs is the common area, DC will need drinks, breakfast, snacks, toys, telly. DH needs one drink, his book, his iPad, a biscuit. In this house, if we decide we need a couple of hours of purdah (as we jokingly call it) the other will take up a cup of tea in an insulated mug and some biscuits so the other can have it when they wake.

TwoKettles · 29/12/2015 11:16

Urghhhh - this phase of life is so labour-intensive. I have been a SAHM and worked, and DH has always worked. Both options are hard-going. As a pp has suggested, taking turns is a good compromise. I might set a time limit though - in our house, a lie-in didn't count if it ended before 9 am

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 11:19

I like that rule TwoKettles! DH will often come in and stomp about to make his point that I'm 'having a lie in' - not much of one of its disturbed!

OP posts:

HPsauciness · 29/12/2015 11:19

Both of you seem incredibly sleep deprived so I'm not surprised that a 'who is the most tired' competition has broken out. Does he really need to leave the house 5.30am til 11? Can he really be effective all of those hours? Or does he get up to avoid caring for children in am!

Is there anything you can do about your sleeping? Moving the time forward a tiny bit night by night? There was a brilliant programme about poor sleep a few years ago, and there was a mum on there who was up in the night not sleeping between 1-4am, she was baking cookies or pottering about to get time on her own, they got her sleeping by about 12/1am through til morning, which was a huge achievement for her (can't remember the name of it, sorry!)

No wonder you are then fighting to have lie-downs on weekends, which do need to be shared between you, you must be exhausted and I wonder how sustainable this current lifestyle is for you both.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 11:20

Totally agree with HP.

witsender · 29/12/2015 11:22

Just alternate. Dh has Saturdays, whether he sleeps or dozes is up to him. I get upbat a semi reasonable time like 0630 or 0700 then wake him with a tea at about 0900. Then my turn on Sunday. It does sound a little one aided at the moment.

Travelledtheworld · 29/12/2015 11:24

I think this getting up really early to go to work and staying there until really late is opting out of parenting. I know a couple of people who do this, their kids are so badly behaved they can't stand being in the house with them. One of three parents is a Mum too !

Sorry for you. You need to talk and agree some "off duty" time.

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 11:27

Spot on HP. Tiredness Top Trumps is a losing battle.

I don't know how to fix my sleeping,,
It's got worse ever since DC1 but i've always had it.
DH starts work at 7-8, not sure which atm, home 5:30-6:30. He's not going back til next week, so is getting a bit frustrated being at home and still not resting. As I keep pointing out, that's what having kids means. He is very welcome to take time out, but I'm not his mother, I can't make him do it.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/12/2015 11:38

I would suggest that you start the discussion from the standpoint that you can understand why he wants some quiet time, away from the children, and that the two of you both need to work out how to achieve that.

One thought - how difficult would it be for the children to stay upstairs with you, one morning each weekend? Would they snuggle in and read a book with you, or watch some TV, or snooze? Could you take a drink and snack upstairs the night before, to put them on until breakfast? Basically, if you decided that you staying upstairs with the children could work, you might have to plan ahead a bit, the night before, so you had things to hand in the bedroom, to entertain the children for an hour or so.

I realise that this wouldn't be ideal for you, as you probably wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, but if you could stay snuggled up in bed, maybe that would be better than nothing.

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 11:41

Sadly they wouldn't SDT, they just want to be downstairs and with him too, plus no tv upstairs, just their room and ours, it's a Victorian terrace so not much space. The loo's downstairs too!

OP posts:

redskirt3 · 29/12/2015 11:47

I think he's being precious. We have young kids - apart fromwhen they're in bed asleep, we only get "quiet time" when we go to work!

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 11:50

It may be that he has to stay upstairs.

Compromise is needed on both sides.

You need to accept its ok for him to have quiet time, occasionally. He needs to accept it might not be in the exact circumstances he wants

fresta · 29/12/2015 11:56

Quiet time aside, it sounds like the main problem is that neither of you are sleeping enough at night which is the main reason you are so tired. This needs sorting first.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2015 12:04

I think the problem is actually that he is not at work as that is when he usually has his quiet time. He has a quiet hour to himself every day, breakfast in peace and no-one demanding anything from him.

He has that every day and he is missing it because he is not going to his 'quiet time place' every day.

Usually he can manage weekends because it's only two days but because of this enforced break he is finding it hard to go so long without his time to himself in an empty workplace.

He is discovering what you already know OP, that going out to work is more restful than being with small children all day. And yes, he has to suck it up because he is a parent.

You've offered to bring the children down and let him lie in but he doesn't want that, he just wants 'me' time. It would be better to take it in turns to take the children out for an hour or so in the afternoon and give each other downtime then.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 12:05

^^
Good point raised there

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 12:12

Fairenough - nail hit on head! Very good point that I hadn't realised, and I reckon that's it.
He's definitely got cabin fever, been off since the 21st. I'll suggest I take the boys out later or tomorrow - he's taken them out this morning so that I can sort the house out.

OP posts:

Gliblet · 29/12/2015 12:14

So is it that he wants to make a cuppa and relax in front of the TV in peace? I think that might be a bit of a post-kids impossibility, but how about suggesting that on 'his' day he pops downstairs, goes to the loo, grabs the paper or a book/tablet/laptop whatever then has a couple of hours back upstairs in peace and quiet which you will not interrupt unless absolutely necessary (e.g. fire/flood/injury). In return on 'your' days he gets up, takes the kids downstairs and leaves you similarly undisturbed to sleep in for a couple of hours.

It won't work every weekend, particularly as kids get older, have hobbies or clubs or similar to go to, but it should be possible to do regularly and make you both feel a bit more like your needs are being considered.

Gliblet · 29/12/2015 12:15

Hehe beaten to it by Fairenuff

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 12:18

I'd love that to work, but he doesn't enjoy being in our room, it's a terrible shitpit at the moment, total dumping ground since I cleared the kids room out.
Perhaps I can do a big push to make the room nicer so he could relax in there.
Fewer laundry towers etc.

OP posts:

ulasesra · 29/12/2015 12:58

you are at home with the kids all the time, you also have right to have some sleep on weekends, especially if he's awake already. you are just getting what is served. also don't think he has right to ask you stay upstairs, it is a favour if you do so.

but.. maybe he was trying to be nice to you by taking the kids downstairs to give you some rest but now this turned into a habit, and he's fed up with it?

I mean - I and my husband both work, so we both get up at 6 am weekdays, and at the weekends I get up at 6-7 am again to take care of my 28mo ds and let dh sleep until 9-10am. he sleeps well and when he's up he finds breakfast ready but he has a grumpy wife now because I'm really fed up getting up early alone and regret turning this treat into a habit. I am used to get up early, but still hope one day he will get the breakfast ready for me and do this before I ask him to do :) still, can't blame him because he's just taking what is served.

not sure I was able to make my point :)
(sorry I'm not a native english speaker)

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 29/12/2015 13:18

Surely he gets his "quiet time" when he is napping on the sofa from 9pm onwards before eventually trudging off to bed?

He also gets his "quiet time" by choosing to get to work so early so he can enjoy a leisurely, child free breakfast and get himself sorted. He could quiet easily be helping you with the morning routine at that point, but clearly isn't.

He is getting his "quiet time" by doing no night wakings and therefore getting a decent night's sleep every night.

When do you get your "quiet time" exactly?

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 13:26

I get what you mean ulasesra!

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 13:27

goodnessgracious I get my quiet time after he's gone to bed in the wee small hours - part of the reason my insomnia has become so entrenched. There is no other time for me, so I've got into the habit of staying awake just to have some time on my own.

OP posts:

Eminado · 29/12/2015 13:30

Seriously OP that is not healthy!!!

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