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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that my DSister's visit revolves around her DS and her dog

54 replies

liinyo · 28/12/2015 23:09

Actually I know IABU but I need to rant. I only see my DSister once a year as we have a volatille relationship. For the last couple of years she has visited between Christmas and New year from her home about 80 miles away. She brings her ASD son, her husband and her large, noisy laradoodle. We have two elderly and incontinent cats
I make a lovely dinner (including safe, familiar choices for my DNephew who is very loud and intense but super cute). I put both cats in an upstairs room with food, water and cat litter, I ply her with champagne and all that is fine. What does totally piss me off is that today when her dog pulled away from the lead and went running upstairs and terrified the cats, DS thought it was funny and didn't apologise. It happened three times and I ended up sitting at the top of the stairs shooing the dog away until her DBIL put dog on a lead.

So annoyed at her. We bend over backwards to make her visit cnfartabke for her and she treats our poor old cats like a sideshow.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 28/12/2015 23:58

Shut the bedrooms doors.

HarrietSchulenberg · 29/12/2015 00:34

My dog can open doors. That's why he stays in the car or at home while we're visiting relatives with cats.

If I was your sister I'd have brought dog in at start of visit (having asked first), kept him on his lead, nipped him out for a walk after an hour or so then put him in the car with a blanket, drink and chews until time to leave.
I'm assuming it was a one day visit, not an overnighter?

honkinghaddock · 29/12/2015 07:12

What has her son got to do with any of this?

charlestonchaplin · 29/12/2015 07:32

He is 'very loud and intense' and whilst he 'cannot help that', it is presumably something of a strain.

ArmchairTraveller · 29/12/2015 07:40

You don't know your family very well, or how being on the spectrum affects your nephew's responses, volume control and the ND rections to events, including him finding some situations funny.
So if he's going to be a visitor, you need to read up on ASDs. I recommend anything by Tony Attwood if he's HFA.
The problem is the dogs and your sister's inability to handle them. So perhaps you should tell her she and her family are welcome but the dogs aren't.
If she chooses not to come, it's hardly a big loss for you or them as you don't sound close or particularly welcoming to the human members of the family and once a year is next to nothing.

honkinghaddock · 29/12/2015 07:45

I think it is a bit off resenting a disabled member being loud and intense for one visit a year.

ArmchairTraveller · 29/12/2015 07:47

Most parents of a child with a hidden disability are used to ignorance and intolerance from people without experience of it. It's just rather sad that the child in question is a relative and the OP hasn't bothered to find out what aspects of his behaviour are related to the disability.
Unlike my own family who went from being bewildered to being informed and inclusive very quickly.

PegsPigs · 29/12/2015 07:57

The OP doesnt have a problem with her nephew. When she says DS she means DSis not her sister's son as the OP says 'didn't apologise' and you'd expect an apology from your sister not your nephew. The issue is her sister allowing her dog to frighten the OP's cats. Not because it can open doors () but presumably because it barks and jumps up/scratches at the door and guess what elderly cats don't know the dog can't get through the door so are trapped on the other side terrified.

FFS have a heart. Our cats were incontinent at the end. We made them as comfortable as we could. We didn't just PTTS just because it became inconvenient. They were long loved members of the family.

ArmchairTraveller · 29/12/2015 08:04

Dog needs to stay at home, be dogsat for the day.
It seems logical for her to find someone prepared to do that, who knows when she might need to be somewhere for a day (hospital?) where the dog wouldn't be allowed.
Or the OP could just cancel the yearly encounter.

ihave2naughtydogs · 29/12/2015 08:07

incontinent cats should live in a shed.

SSargassoSea · 29/12/2015 08:09

People's dogs/cats are like their DCs. They take precedence over all.

Don't invite if dog has to come - anyway pets don't live forever. Invite once it's passed on.

Or meet up in a nice spacious park in the summer.

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2015 08:12

I would only invite them without the animals.

honkinghaddock · 29/12/2015 08:17

The op mentions her nephew in the title.

Flingingmelon · 29/12/2015 08:19

I'd suggest meeting somewhere suitable half way. If DSis says no, at least you tried.

SlaggyIsland · 29/12/2015 08:21

Incontinent cats are presumably incontinent because they are elderly and frail. Would be pretty cunt to make them live in a shed.

BipBippadotta · 29/12/2015 08:23

It's OP's sister who didn't apologise; she was not expecting her nephew to.

I don't think OP has said or meant anything disparaging about her nephew. She's just explaining who was there and a bit about them, possibly in a word order not everyone would have chosen but I really don't think it was meant to be 'dehumanising'. The only guest without some form of descriptor was her brother-in-law. You could see that as 'dehumanising' if you like.

The issue the OP has is with her sister's lack of responsibility for the dog, & her lack of respect for OP's cats. Not anything else.

I think we all end up hosting people over the holidays who we make welcome even if we don't always feel welcoming towards them. Inlaws, stepfamily, family members we're on less than perfect terms with, neighbours we don't like but have to keep on good terms with, etc. That's how life is. So I don't think the OP is being unreasonable not to be 100% delighted to see a family member she has said she has a volatile relationship with.

I'd be well pissed off if someone brought a dog & didn't control it and laughed while it terrified my elderly cats. I'd be particularly pissed off if the person who did this was someone I made a big effort for despite our difficult relationship.

I can see why never having her round again would be difficult as it would mean not seeing the nephew, to whom OP seems attached.

Agree that dsis should have a dogsitter. It's one day fgs.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/12/2015 08:26

I think it is a bit off resenting a disabled member being loud and intense for one visit a year.

I don't get this at all from the OP's posts.

Perhaps the wording could have been better in describing her DN but it's clear that she has no issue with him and the problem is with her sister and her.

OP I would either get a stairgate to use when they are there or arrange to meet them at a restaurant somewhere half way. You and your sister obv don't particularly like each other if you CBA to visit her and she only comes to see you once a year.

BipBippadotta · 29/12/2015 08:28

And for those of you being mean about old cats, see how you like living in a shed when you're 90. Though tbf we'll all be lucky to have a shed given the state of long term care in this country

honkinghaddock · 29/12/2015 08:32

asd son could just be wording but in the thread title the op talks about being annoyed the visit revolves around him.

Blu · 29/12/2015 08:35

Outrageous to let her dog rampage about like that.

Be arsed. Visit her instead.

I think much of the comment around your DNeph is because they way you talk about him has a whiff of martyrdom: the things you accommodate during the visit, the fact that he has ASD (which otherwise was not a necessary reference the first time) , the dog...

Just visit her.

If the relationship is worth anything to you at all.

BipBippadotta · 29/12/2015 08:35

Re: referring to nephew in title, I suppose I took this to be an indicator that respect for people's comfort and circumstances was only going one way - OP had respected DN's disability, knowing food could be an issue and ensuring she knew what he liked so that dinnertime would be comfortable and everyone would have something they liked. Her sister, in contrast, even when plenty of space had been made for her dog, and the poor old cats sequestered upstairs, couldn't respect OP's cats' elderliness & frailty and took the piss out of it.

needastrongone · 29/12/2015 08:36

OP. Can anyone have your DSis's dog if they came to visit? That would be logical. I wouldn't take my dogs where they were not welcome, totally understandable in your circumstances.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here for no reason other than articulation, which seems unfair.

Do you think that your DSis may be on the spectrum? I consider this to be the case with my DB, my nephew is high functioning Aspergers, I strongly suspect my DB to have tendencies, and possibly my DM too. It might explain aspects of your relationship with her a touch?

ArmchairTraveller · 29/12/2015 08:37

Old cats should be pampered and loved to the last.
Visiting dogs should be well-mannered, under control and the owners should be flexible about what needs to happen for a short time during a visit.
Family at Christmas can be very challenging, especially if they only ever come at Christmas.
Many children on the spectrum are loud and intense and get progressively less cute as they get older.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2015 08:39

cnfartabke sorry but I couldn't get past the typo in your OP

Presumably you can blame it on the dog.

zzzzz · 29/12/2015 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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