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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas and infertility

26 replies

cooperG · 28/12/2015 12:45

AIBU to never want to do Christmas again? Have been ttc for three years now, started Dec 2012 and we were all starry eyed and "this might be our last Christmas alone" etc.

This is the first Christmas we've actually spent on our own, as I had a bit of an episode last year and didn't want to repeat it. Although I had a nice day with dh it just wasn't ... Christmassy, it felt odd.

I used to love Christmas and couldn't wait for it, and to have our own kids and start our own traditions, but I'm afraid that three years of this shit have turned me into a bitter old woman and I'll never enjoy it again even if we ever manage to have a child. Can I just cancel it indefinitely please?

OP posts:
MrsChrisPratt · 28/12/2015 12:53

It is really tough. We are 2.5yrs in, 1 failed IVF and 1 cancelled due to ohss and suspected internal bleed which resulted in me spending 3 days in hospital in agony just before Christmas, I was let out just in time. This Christmas has felt very weird with the illness/trauma of what happened, plus coming off the hormones and I caught a chest infection too...not where I pictured myself when we started ttc - I thought we'd be trying for number 2 now!

As tough as it is, you have to get on with life. Hope for the best but try not to let it dominate everything. I have a lovely family, lovely Dh, and even knowing what I know now, knowing what we've been through, I wouldn't choose any differently. Everyone has their shit to deal with and this is ours. May it end soon...but in the meantime, look after each other, look after yourself and try to be happyFlowers

AyeAmarok · 28/12/2015 12:53
Flowers

Having a quiet Christmas with just the two of you is fine. But don't you want to see your parents etc? You're (understandably) focusing on the child-side of Christmas that you don't have yet, but it's also a time to catch up with loved ones, try not to lose sight of that and make Christmas work for you too.

treacledan71 · 28/12/2015 12:55

Hello. I have been there. It is very hard. I have a child now but had 8years of heartache. . I felt exactly the same. I know its OK for me to say but try and think of positives like your partner etc ie u could have kids but not happy with your partner if you get me. If you need to talk you know where I am xxxx hoping 2016:is your time.

Kacie123 · 28/12/2015 12:59

Oh my gosh, I feel exactly the same.

The only difference is that we spent days with family and in laws as usual. In a way it's weirder than just being the two of us, because it's like someone's missing and no one else notices, and all the "magic" has gone.

No answer sadly but I do think that Christmas is yet another thing which will never be the same again thanks to years of TTC. I do hope if we ever do have kids this whole thing will have increased my patience - I sometimes see the "argh my kids have been driving me mad over Christmas" posts and want to say "lucky you" - but I don't of course. Here's to a better 2016 and to being those whinging parents ourselves one day cooper WineSmile

chinam · 28/12/2015 13:00

Flowers I've been there. It is tough. Be kind to yourself.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 28/12/2015 13:06

You're right, it's a horrible time of year when ttc. Me and DH are 3 and a half years in and have been on hormone treatment for most of this year. We had convinced ourselves 2015 was the year it was all going to happen but it hasn't.
We decided this year that we couldn't face family - last year SIL had just had her dc2 and everyone was asking when we were going to start a family. So we went away for Christmas. It wasn't traditional but it was quite spectacular, and we deliberately did things you just wouldn't / couldn't do with a child. It's was beautiful and wonderfully distracted - I can't recommend it enough tbh

Thanks for you OP, it's a very hard thing to go through

Rafflesway · 28/12/2015 13:08

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rafflesway · 28/12/2015 13:12

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Alicewasinwonderland · 28/12/2015 13:13

It's perfectly understandable. I would suggest a lovely sunny holiday instead, adult only if possible.

Nothing cheers you up more than a week or two in paradise, white sandy beach, crystal clear sea, water sport, cocktails... unless you prefer skiing?

Anything that you can't do with children, to remind you that you can still have a blast.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 28/12/2015 13:21

I would second going away for christmas next year. Make it really special with just the 2 of you. We tried for many years and I am now pregnant but the years before did feel tinged with sadness, YAdefNBU.

We went away a few times and had a lovely time in a remote cottage and it did ease things.

Original poster
cooperG · 28/12/2015 13:29

oh, MrsC I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles and illness, I hope 2016 will be your year. I think the thing I struggle most with is the balance of hoping for the unlikely to happen, and keeping any hope in check, as it's so hard when it's another failure. Flowers

amarok we visited family after the actual day, but apart from my mum, none of them know what's going on, so trying to avoid the 'when are you going to have kids, you haven't got forever' etc comments was more important to me this year. I see my family regularly enough, I didn't want to ruin their xmas by having hysterics in front of them.

thanks treacle, I'm sorry you had such a hard time for so long, I'm not sure I've got another five years of this in me... I'm glad you got there in the end though, I'm sure it was worth it Smile

kacie, I'm sorry you're experiencing this too Flowers
I agree though, whenever I hear someone complaining about their kids I want to say something, but I've managed to bite my tongue up to now. Here's to becoming whinging parents in 2016 Wine

thank you chinam, I hope you're ok now Flowers

isitI sorry to hear about your treatment being unsuccessful so far, I wish you luck for 2016. Your christmas sounds amazing though, if we're not pregnant by late 2016 I think we'll be doing something similar. Flowers

raffles I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's illness, I hope she is happy, it's nice for you all that she has some independence. I do realise that there are people and situations much worse off than I am, and that makes me feel ungrateful, it just gets on top of me every now and then, and christmas is particularly difficult.

I feel like my life is on pause and I don't know what to do next, I've been 'waiting' to be a parent for so long, and as it doesn't look to be happening I need to give myself a shake and decide what my life will look like as a non-parent...

OP posts:
Dickbumdick · 28/12/2015 13:35

cooperG - nothing really helpful to add but try to stay positive (easy to say I know) and just wish you and everyone else all the best luck Smile

Katedotness1963 · 28/12/2015 13:37

We tried for 14 years before our first came along. In that time both my brothers started families and dh's brother and sister had their families. Out of that time we spent three christmas's in the same country as our families. You get used to doing your own thing. Just do what feels right for you.

nokidshere · 28/12/2015 13:43

Flowers it's tough to come to terms with infertility but at some point it has to become secondary to your life as it is and not the main event or it could end up destroying you.

You need to plan Christmas and other significant times as a couple so that when you are successful it will be a happy bonus.

It will be hard. I know because we had 15 years of fertility treatments and 2 years of coming to terms with never having a child before I fell pregnant. But it can be done if you can make peace with yourself along the way x

Mumberjack · 28/12/2015 14:17

Been there - it was a horrible time of year (2.5 years ttc/on IVF list/investigated etc etc). Then I spent one Xmas pregnant which felt awesome, but then lost the baby (stillbirth) and spent the following Xmas both deep in grief and expecting another baby.
I have a 2.5 year old now but I don't over-egg the whole 'idyllic family fun!' thing on Facebook because I remember vividly how shit it can be to see that sort of thing and know there are some friends who are going through a tough time (and others that may be...).
Whenever I feel a bit frazzled or shouty at my child though I do take a step back and have a word with myself as I don't ever want to take what I now have for granted.
We didn't go away for Xmas any of the years because of other family commitments but it was very tempting to do something special as a couple away from it all.

Original poster
cooperG · 28/12/2015 14:18

nokidshere and kate, I absolutely take my hat off to you, I think I'd end up being sectioned if I tried to live like this forever. Something has to change because I don't want to lose my relationship, but your stories have given me a bit of hope.

Thank you for the kind words everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Mumberjack · 28/12/2015 14:19

Can I just add that New Year was difficult too because there's the 'maybe it will happen this year!' hope mixed with the whole 'but what if it doesn't?' feeling of despair. Like you I felt my life was on hold a bit, so H and I used to make plans for holidays and other fun things or achievements so it wasn't solely focused on ttc.

herecomesthsun · 28/12/2015 14:47

Hold on in there!

Xmas 2006- I had 2 very unpleasant miscarriages in April and August ( serious haemorrhage x2, significant blood loss x 2, bluelighted to hospital x 1, and emergency to theatre x 2)

I found out I was pregnant again on Xmas Eve and miscarried on New Years Eve. 3 miscarriages in 8 months. We had been trying for 3 years to have a baby.

We went for infertility advice and the consultant said I should give up hope basically.

I actually tried not to think about it too much and just get on with my life day by day, (partly so I could persuade DH to keep trying, if I had been too distressed he would likely have wanted to call it a day).

We have 2 children now born 2008 and 2012- we have been very lucky.

I agree that christmas is a sad time if you are struggling to have a family. I wish you all the very best that the future will hold better for you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2015 15:37

totally understand, been ttc 10yrs or so with 2 diff men (first husband died almost 5yrs ago)

most friends have children and 2 both fell preg naturally and easily at first failed ivf which was ouch

2 failed private ivf, cant get nhs and keep hoping each new year that this will be the year..........

saying all this df and i see family at xmas and as they all know the failed ivf it certainly stops the asking when are you having kids question - maybe mention to close friends and family you are ttc but isnt happening

lets hope 2016 will be our years eh x

gabsdot · 28/12/2015 15:47

It's so tough when things don't work out how you want them too. We were married 10 years before we finally adopted our son. The first few Christmases were fine but after a while it got really hard putting on a brave face.
I always hate to hear about people having difficulty conceiving. It's a really difficult experience to endure.
I really hope 2016 is your year. I'm sending Baby dust your way.

MiaowTheCat · 28/12/2015 17:16

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JsOtherHalf · 28/12/2015 19:15

One Christmas years ago I was trying to lose weight for my IVF. Every sibling already had children, and completely understandably all the focus is on children at Christmas.

The following Christmas we had DS, as the IVF worked.

My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
cooperG · 28/12/2015 20:16

Thanks everyone for the kind words, some of your replies made me cry.

I'm sorry to hear so many others have experienced this, everyone I know is super fertile and it always surprises me to hear how many others have had trouble.

I'm glad so many of you had happy endings and hopefully the rest of us can get there soon Wine Flowers

OP posts:
FlipperSkipper · 28/12/2015 21:26

I hear you. This is my 5th Christmas of ttc, and it's crap. Yesterday was 2 years since my first positive pregnancy test (ivf 1), I found out at my 7 week scan it was a mmc. This year I should have been 19 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day (full ivf 2, I've also had 2 frozen embryo transfers which failed) but I miscarried / suspected ectopic. I'd love to go away but we have our cat to think about. I love seeing my nieces and nephews but it reminds me of what I don't have. I hope you're successful.

ceeveebee · 28/12/2015 21:33

I've been there too. Started TTC immediately after getting married in 2006. After 4 failed IUI and 1 failed IVF attempt, which was just before Christmas 2010, we finally were successful with IVF and had twins in 2011. Christmas was always difficult because we'd meet up with all our friends who all have children, and also nosy extended family constantly asking when we'd be starting a family. I've no advice just Flowers and hope that you will have a happy outcome soon