How did you decide on the number of children?

[Junosmum]

Please don't read this if you are struggling/ struggled with fertility. I'll come across as very insensitive, I apologise.

I appreciate many people have no choice due to a number of circumstances, but if you did I would appreciate your comments.

Background: I didn't want kids, never have. DH wanted kids, has always seen himself as a dad etc. Neither view is wrong imo. Prior to marriage we spent a period of time apart so we could decide if we could continue our relationship. He decided it was kids or nothing, I decided I wanted him therefore I wanted his kids (or kid, we agreed see how one goes then see). Fast forward several years and I'm now 37 weeks pg with DC1.

I'm already adamant I don't want another, despite having an easy pregnancy and getting a little excited about this one's arrival, I've hated being pregnant and, I'm ashamed to admit, slightly regret it (I got pregnant first try, after thinking it would take a while and I'd hsve time to get my head round the idea etc). This baby IS wanted and lived, I'm judt aware of how selfish i am and how much my life needs to change for this baby. OH wants a second, thinks it's mean/ not good practice if you can help it to have an only child (I think that's bollocks). We could afford 2 (just).

We have a 3 bed house (mortgaged) and are both in good jobs.

Am I likely to change my mind about DC2? Did anyone else make a 'head' decision to have a second? I've never ever felt broody so unless it happens by accident I don't see a second one on the cards.

I appreciate I haven't had baby 1 yet but it irked me no end when people said 'you'll feel differently when your older' when I said I didn't want kids. I never changed my mind (something my mum really can't get her head around) so doubt I will about number 2.

So how did you decide?

Thanks for the replies. I definitely intend to wait and see.

With this pregnancy, DH caught me at a weak moment (all loved up on honeymoon "shall we think about starting a family" etc). We've been together a decade though, and for those wondering, I'm 32.

I'm one of 5, the eldest by quite a way, I understand the physical/ practical aspects of childcare but obviously not the emotional side of things and DH doesn't have a clue! He's got one sibling. Neither of us get on very well with said siblings, not spending more than a couple of hours together a few times a year, certainly don't chat on the phone, meet up for drinks or shopping etc. We are all very different people. DH and his sibling come to blows if they spend much time alone!

We didn't discuss it prior to DC1 but it then became obvious that DH only wanted one.
Having a sibling for him was a negative thing (more as an adult than a child). I thought he was being a bit silly but after a few years of her behaviour I can see where he is coming from...
In an ideal world (time and resources no issue) then I would have liked four - in reality one probably is the right number for us. I feel slightly sad about it occasionally but it definitely won't be changing.

I wanted children, DH didn't. He loved DS fiercely from the moment he was born. Took some persuading to get no.2 but I was so so broody he gave in. He loves DD fiercely too, and is an amazing dad. Don't bet on how you will feel until your baby is here.

I think that if you didn't really want any children then you have already made a massive comprise having one . And it's unreasonable of your Dh to be pushing for another at any time, let alone when you are PG.

My Advice is to make sure that your Dh takes just as much a role in parenting as you do . If you BF, wake him to to get him to change the baby . He needs to do all the changing and bathing . If you bottle feed, makes sure he does most of it as you are recovering from birth .

Do NOT let him do all the fun bit of parenting while you do the drudge . Make sure he takes all his paternity leave and uses it to do housework while you rest. It's not a reward for producing sperm , it's to care for the mother and baby.

Discuss NOW how he's going to change his work pattern to accommodate childcare . And how he's going to change his hobbies and social life to take account of the baby . So if he plays football all Saturday , you go out all day Sunday .

IME lots of men love having children as it doesn't really impact on their lives much .

I wasn't planning to have children but went on to have two, I didn't enjoy being pregnant at all but it was worth it to have them both. Just wait and see how it goes, don't pressure yourself. It might happen, it might not.

We knew we wanted dc and both wanted more than one.

Ds1 was a fairly instant conception. Dh started talking about trying again when ds1 was a few weeks old and I was horrified.

I found it really difficult with ds1 due to PND (undiagnosed but it's pretty clear to me now that this is what I had).

We started trying for ds2 when ds1 was 6 months. At the time I had absolutely no desire for another baby. But I knew I wanted more than one long term and TTC was a 'fucking hell lets just get it over with' feeling for me. It was definitely a head decision for me, and one I'm glad I made now.

It took a while and the dc have a 27 month gap. Now aged 7 and 5 and we're considering another (still at the Maybe-Next-Year stage).

This time I actually want another though, for now, not as part of some long term plan.

Before I got pregnant we always said that we'd like two and that we'd like them close together, now we've changed our minds.
DD was a very easy baby, so easy that we talked about trying for number two when she was just a couple of months old. Thank god we came to our senses! She is now 2 and the toddler stage is proving more challenging. I have recently found myself starting to think about number two but I seem to change my mind from week to week depending on how well she sleeps, how busy/stressed I am at work, what my hormones are doing etc. We have decided that we still want to try for a second at some point but will be having a bigger age gap than we previously planned. This is partly due to witnessing friends struggle to cope with two under three or two under two and partly because we've moved into a house that needs a lot of work and we'd like to have the bulk of it done before adding a newborn into the mix. If for some reason number two doesn't happen, I would be sad but not devastated.

My sister never wanted chn. She openly said she preferred animals but got pregnant and married soon after. She was the most wonderful mum and totally surprised us all. She was never a cooing mum, hated mums n tots and didn't hang out with other mums. She did it her way but was very hands on and had a very close relationship with her daughter who is now an adult. You never know how motherhood will affect you so take it as it comes.
My sister never had another child by the way, through choice, but it didn't stop her being a great mum, the child grew up to be a wonderful, unspoilt person so I do hate it when people stereotype only children.

I'm glad we have two - I'd like more but I'm not sure if that will happen due to fertility issues.

One of my DCs has mild autism and his brother is very close to him - they get on so well. I hope they will be friends for life and always have each other to fall back on. If I had stopped after DC1 he would be a much lonelier child as I think he will find it hard to make friends in life.

Wherever we go they have each other to play with and to laugh with.

My sister doesn't really have much friends as she had social anxiety. She's very witty and friendly but just struggled for a few years and never connected with any group. However, because she has me and DB we have always included her with us and she's doing really well. She met her DP who was a friend of DB's. I think she would really have found it difficult without siblings to fall back on.

I know not all siblings get on but chances are they will and it makes their life more full.

I thought I would have several children.

It turns out I LOVE being a mother of one.

I have found ds satisfies all my maternal urges. I remember the 1st time I heard someone was pregnant, after I had ds, and I turned to dh and said "So, this is what it's like to hear a pregnancy announcement and not feel jealous!"

Dh always thought he wanted more than one too. I am so glad he doesn't, and we are on the same page.

I am never going to be rich, so it is nice to not have to stretch money between several kids.

I think having several kids would make me a bit more of a stress head. I think by being an only child, ds gets the most relaxed / calm version of me he could possibly have.

I like the fact that I don't have to juggle different children's needs.

I can absolutely have a favourite child, without it having a negative impact on anybody!

I have only had one slightly negative comment about ds staying as an only child. However, I am so confident in my decision, that their view just sounded daft to me.

OH wants a second, thinks it's mean/ not good practice if you can help it to have an only child (I think that's bollocks).

You're right, OH is definitely talking bollocks. The world is full of perfectly happy, well adjusted, content only children. He probably knows quite a few and just doesn't realise it as contrary to popular opinion we don't all fulfil the stereotypes people have. I come from a long line of only children, DS is at a 4th generation only - that in itself should tell you something - we've all managed to grow up with enough social skills, confidence etc to form relationships, have children etc.

Re the growing old and looking after elderly parents thing, I just don't see that as an issue, and definitely not a good enough reason to have more kids as a hedge against an unknown situation 50 or 60 years down the line. I've seen my parents (and also dimly remember one of my grandparents) deal with it and they all dealt with it as well as anyone does. They had all the love and support they needed as they had each other, their own child plus heaps of friends who did whatever was needed.

Our eldest wasn't planned, and we weren't in a solid relationship at that point. It was more or a 'what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas'thing, dd1 is now 10 I didn't want DC at that point, didn't like babies and had never even held one. The first baby I ever held was DD in the delivery room.

We had dd2 as we didn't want an only child. And we had ds as dh was certain third time round it had to be a boy.

We adopted our two DD, at the same time. We figured we wanted two, and it would be easier to get two together than risk disruption a couple of years down the line. I must have been mad! It's been so hard, but I love them both massively of course. So really, I'm glad I underestimated the amount of work involved in raising two under 4.

We want 2, simply because we have a 4 bedroom house and need a spare room for disabled bil to stay / move in in the future. If I had 2 of the same sex I can't say that I wouldn't have a third though. I'm saying all this now but I'm only 10 weeks pg with #1

We originally said 3. Then in dd's pregnancy I developed pre eclampsia. Had to to have her early and really didn't want to go through all that again especially with a child to consider.

But when she was 15 months the brodiness over took. I had a gap of 2 years 9 months.

I expected to want a third and we went through a period of will we won't we. But I never fell pregnant. When ds was 5, dh had a vasectomy. We're content with what our family is. We would have managed another child if he or she had been meant for us. But they are both teens now and life might not be what we planned when we got together but we're content.

Op I hated being pregnant and I have 4 Children. It really is the means to an end for me.

I always wanted children dh was keen on 4 I said lets see how it goes we had the 4 he wanted, I would have liked one more he didn't so we stuck on 4.

The being pregnant thing is only for nine months and although it's tough for many women it's only for a short time. Families with one child are lovely and beautiful if you only have one child so be it. But do keep an open mind. I didn't want children, in fact we agreed that we would have kids before we got married and I got pregnant by accident at 34 and now have two wonderful boys and a very happy mum. I wanted a third but dh is older and we decided against it. It's a difficult decision to make but just try and enjoy the good bits.

In my 20s, I was sure that I didn't want kids. I did the sort of job that involved 12 h days and loved it. Started thinking about it in my 30s and got pregnant almost immediately.My manager laughed when I told him as I was pretty much the person 'least likely to' in his team. I was somewhat apprehensive as I knew nobody with children.

I did not want to change my lifestyle and in most ways I didn't (independent midwives = evening ante natal appointments and an awesome nanny = no worries about taking < 6 weeks maternity leave). Having had DC #1, I found she fitted in perfectly. It was much easier than I thought it would be, and didn't signal the end of life as I knew it.

After DC #1, I just carried on having more. I worked full time, co-slept, found breast feeding easy, and got into a cycle where I worked flat out during the week and spent weekends with DCs. I only stopped having DCs because I was in my 40s when I had DC #4 and it took 3 attempts to have her.

These days, I still do the same sort of work (but fewer hours because I freelance). I have not made many compromises (other than financial) due to having DCs but I don't think they have been disadvantaged. They are comfortable around adults, have been going to gigs and festivals since they were tiny and ( because I am fairly hands off) have had the space to develop their own interests.

I wanted 2 dh would have had one or none.

The universe decided we were to have 3 (twins)

I would have had one more to even things up I was one of 3 and someone always got left out but dh said no more.

I never wanted children, DP never gave it much thought (!) and then I fell pregnant about a year after we got together. I went through a tough time during the pregnancy with antenatal depression but as soon as DD was born things became much brighter.

Two years on DP and I are both 42 and couldn't consider having another child as it's been so hard (but enjoyable) and we feel we are too old for another one. I wish we'd had DD earlier so we could have given her a sibling.

Oh and hormones are a crazy thing; three weeks after her birth I could have got pregnant again and loved it. I really missed my bump!

So I would say have one child, see how it goes, you may have the desire to have another you may not - just let things take their course.

I have one. And only one.
I knew when I was pregnant, I knew in the delivery room and i know now she is nearly three. My family is complete.
Doesn't stop people keep on and on about her being an only, she is a happy confident wonderful little thing, so I don't care. I think the husband is more adamant about one than me!! I did have severe pnd, but I knew I was done before all that.

I think those who 'decide' and then it all pans out exactly how they planned it are in the minority. Life isn't like that, and not just because of fertility problems, but because you just dont know how you will feel in the future.

I had a vague idea I wanted two DC, maybe because I am one of two, I dont know. When I was pregnant with DC1, despite a hard pregnancy, I sort of assumed somehow that I would have another one quite quickly (again, maybe because there are only 15 months between me and my sister, and I subconsciously wanted a similar gap with my own). A hideous birth and PND put paid to that. I knew I still wanted a second child but nowhere near as quickly as I had imagined/hoped. DC1 didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 yrs old and the thought of another baby made my blood run col!

I got pregnant with DC2 when DC1 was 2.5 yrs old (and sleeping well!), first month of trying. But had a miscarriage .

Got pregnant again a while later and there ended up being nearly 4 years between my two DC in the end

I never wanted a third. Never imagined I would. Then DC2 was born - easy birth, dreamy sleepy smiley baby - and I was suddenly, unexpectedly, desperately broody. I wanted a third child more than anything. But my DH was adamant that he didn't want any more. It took a long time for that longing for a third to go away. Then when DCs were 9 yrs and 5 yrs I got pregnant unexpectedly. I realised I couldn't cope at all (oldest child has SN, lots of hard times for us as a family) and had a termination.

I'm pushing 40 now, and have got the two DC I planned/hoped for...but the twists and turns demonstrate how you never know what might happen and when you might change your mind or circumstances might dictate, iyswim.

How did you decide on the number of children?

We haven't yet. Well it's still very much in negotiations. We have a 2 year old ds and a 5 month old dd. I've always sort of wanted three but being pregnant with a toddler to care for was nothing short of a nightmare and we (mainly dp!)don't think we should do it again . I haven't forgotten how fucking awful challenging it was but I fell so very deeply in love with dd it doesn't seem to matter as much . We could offer 2 more material things. I could return to some work earlier. I'll be ok with two but I think I'll have some regrets if I never have another child. It might just be something that I want but can't have because I would never pressure dp to have one he wasn't sure about.

Wait and see how you feel after having one. Your dh may well change his mind too. As a pp said make him become completely involved- my dp is capable and involved with the kids, always pulls his weight with them, so obviously he gets equal say. I know some of my friends' partners have minimal involvement and are very keen on more children because, well, they won't be as affected by it.