How did you decide on the number of children?

[Junosmum]

Please don't read this if you are struggling/ struggled with fertility. I'll come across as very insensitive, I apologise.

I appreciate many people have no choice due to a number of circumstances, but if you did I would appreciate your comments.

Background: I didn't want kids, never have. DH wanted kids, has always seen himself as a dad etc. Neither view is wrong imo. Prior to marriage we spent a period of time apart so we could decide if we could continue our relationship. He decided it was kids or nothing, I decided I wanted him therefore I wanted his kids (or kid, we agreed see how one goes then see). Fast forward several years and I'm now 37 weeks pg with DC1.

I'm already adamant I don't want another, despite having an easy pregnancy and getting a little excited about this one's arrival, I've hated being pregnant and, I'm ashamed to admit, slightly regret it (I got pregnant first try, after thinking it would take a while and I'd hsve time to get my head round the idea etc). This baby IS wanted and lived, I'm judt aware of how selfish i am and how much my life needs to change for this baby. OH wants a second, thinks it's mean/ not good practice if you can help it to have an only child (I think that's bollocks). We could afford 2 (just).

We have a 3 bed house (mortgaged) and are both in good jobs.

Am I likely to change my mind about DC2? Did anyone else make a 'head' decision to have a second? I've never ever felt broody so unless it happens by accident I don't see a second one on the cards.

I appreciate I haven't had baby 1 yet but it irked me no end when people said 'you'll feel differently when your older' when I said I didn't want kids. I never changed my mind (something my mum really can't get her head around) so doubt I will about number 2.

So how did you decide?

I have two kids - both dh and I come from 2 child families (both older boy, younger girl - which is what we have!) and I think for both of us it just felt normal. DD is now 4.5 and whilst I go a bit soppy when seeing a baby i don't want to go through those years again. I think an issue for you to consider is whose life is going to change the most. Whilst both of you will go through massive changes, it is still most likely to affect one of you more than the other and it is still most likely to be the mother who "gives up" more of her former life than the father, particularly in terms of career etc. New shared leave laws mean this is slowly changing and some families manage a far more equal balance than others, but we are long way off it bring the norm that fathers are the primary (or 50% primary) carer. If your partner is expecting you to be the primary carer then you could run into trouble if you never really wanted one (or more than one) child. I would be a massive seething ball of resentment by now if I had had children only because dh wanted them.

OP, your husband seems to be putting a huge demand on you by asking you to commit to a second baby when you haven't even had the first. Tell him to back off!!!

Even if you are a bit older (and don't have masses of time to "decide" about a second) you won't be able to ttc for a while.

Never actually gave the conclusion......so, if you feel the same after number 1, then I would suggest that any agreement on future children would have to be in the basis that your partner is primary carer - I.e. Taking paternity leave, being the one to take the 'career hit' etc. And even then if you are really unsure I would say it's not a good thing.

I'm not really maternal, dh did he'd like kids but if I never came round to the idea he was happy as long as he had me. I thought we'd give it a go once we got married and see what happened, I honestly thought it would take longer to conceive but we did, and at the right time and I got a little dd which I secretly wanted! Job done. We don't want and can't afford any more and, although I do worry about her when we're old, having another so she can share the burden isn't the right reason. Hopefully she'll be independent, do her own thing and we won't be a burden to her.

Agree that you just need to wait and see how you find things with your first - and I would say give it at least 18 months. I don't particularly enjoy the newborn bit and had "what the hell have I done?" moments with both of mine early on!

You have been completely honest with your OH about your feelings around having kids and as far as I can see you have reached a good compromise by having one. He shouldn't be surprised if you decide that is enough for you. Try not to worry about it yet, just enjoy time with your DC when they arrive and put off any thought/discussion about number 2 for a good few months.

You absolutely can't make the decision until you're a parent. I have a couple of friends who really didn't want children. One fell pregnant accidentally. Loved being a mum so much she spent 10 years trying for another which never happened. Other friend 'gave in' for his wife and now has two and is a wonderful father. I always knew I wanted children but hated my fairly straight forward pregnancies and births. Cannot imagine my life without my children in it.

On the other point it pains me to say it but my life would have been v different if my parents hadn't gone ahead with a second child as have a v v v difficult alcoholic/drug addict younger brother who has put the whole family through hell in the last 3 years.

I'm increasingly feeling that having DS has fulfilled my emotional need for children

This is exactly how I feel but have somehow never been able to verbalise when people ask me why we aren't having another child.

Thank you!

I think it's fluid thing.

We never set an amount and are both happy with two. For us it's sensible, do able and now they are older we can be a little more selfish. We can do things we want to do.

I would not want another baby. I am enjoying the bit of freedom we have when they are at school or with friends.

My brother was my best friend. We were always close. He got married and he and his wife decided that her family would take priority and I see him about twice a year while her family does something with them every weekend.

Dh and his sister hates each other until about 3 years ago. Nothing has really changed. I suspect they have both matured a bit.

Siblings are not forced to get on. I never get the 'it's unfair to have one' argument. Surely it's unfair to have a second that you aren't sure about for the benefit of its older sibling rather than because you want a second.

It's difficult but I always think the person not wanting additional children should get the deciding vote as I don't think children that aren't wanted by a parents should be conceived.

Obviously unplanned pregnancies happen and I am not saying they should be aborted. But I don't think you should plan a baby when it's not wanted

I always wanted two, never wanted and only child, when Iet dp he had two already and didn't want anymore, we had the discussion where I said if def a no then we need to split as I want children, we have 1 ds and I always assumed I would want more but I found the baby months incredibly difficult and didn't really start enjoying him till he was around 6 months. I honestly don't think I would want to go through it again, as he gets older I find myself having fleeting moments of wanting another but that's more to do with the sadness my baby is growing up than actually wanting another, if that makes sense. Although he's not an only as he has two older siblings, in reality he is more like an only as they aren't here all the time and are at least 10 years older. I am happy with only having one in reality and we couldn't afford another. My long rambling point is that until number one arrives you have no idea how you will feel, it's taking a big scary leap into the unknown and you won't know how you'll feel.

Good luck

Ds is 3.8 and I haven't felt even a twinge of broodiness since he was born. I love him more than anything but I am not a natural parent. I find the chaos and lack of personal headspace really really hard to deal with. I was crazily broody before I fell pregnant with him-we spent a year trying and it consumed every waking thought. I've never had those feelings again so am not planning to have another unless I do. Dh would have another, but agrees that because of his work (crazy shifts) the pressure would by far and away fall on me, so it has to be my decision. I also had PND and still have terrible anxiety, potty training was a nightmare and still not fully resolved, he didn't sleep for the first year etc and still wakes in the night/very early morning even now.

Both me and OH always wanted 2 kids. (1 seemed lonely, 3 seemed too much) however due to my health problems with hormones surrounding pregnancy, along with the fact it is bloody hard work to have a child (he's nearly 2), I have decided I will not have any more kids. I absolutely cannot do it again, and part of me regret - sadly - even having one, because I feel like a shit mum. Different thread though. However I feel absolutely in no way that I want more. My guilt is given from the society around me. My grandad said "oh you can't have one, he'll be selfish because he won't learn to share" - opposite is true. He won't have to "fight" for attention or chocolate or whatever, so he might be more likely to be happy to share (there's studies on these things). Also only children can have better self esteem, though no idea why. I'm not sure how accurate these studies I've read (no references, sorry) are, so might be worth taking with a pinch of salt.

I think often an only child can focus on their friends rather than their siblings. It saddens me how much my nephews (10 and 11) hate each other, and I am glad I will only have 1.

Oh - I said "I" decided not to have any more children. My other half is happy to go with what I want, because he wants to be with me more than he wants another child. I've told him I will not hold a grudge if he leaves me to find someone to have another child with. I understand it is hugely important for some people.

For us - we both knew we wanted DC/s. It took us 9mo to get pg with DS and we didn't want to decide on trying for any more until we knew what parenting was like. (I was less sure about future DC).

I was instantly & unexpectedly broody for more (LOADS more) the moment DS was born. And would have loved to have tried for 2 more. I'm currently pg with DC2 but DP feels he is too old at 42 to try for another one. So 2 it is.

I think (if you have a choice) - it should take two definite/positive "yeses" to try for a baby. But agree with other posters about seeing how you feel when you have a baby, I was taken by surprise. Also make the decision on what's right for everyone in your family at tea time, there's nothing wrong with an only child.

Haha.
The time.

Not tea time.

Two children was/ is our agreed plan. Then DH to get a vasectomy.

I'm now pregnant with 2nd and we both feel the same but have decided I'll get a coil afterwards until I'm 40 (I'm 35 now ) just in case we have a change of heart before he gets the snip.

Neither of us has a desire for any more then two right now but we just don't know how we'll feel when the second comes along. It surprised me how quickly after DS ( who was a difficult, non sleeping baby!) that I wanted another.

So feelings change. Just roll with it.

I came from a two child family and DH is one of four. I'd strangely always seen myself with three but after DC2 I realised I couldn't do another set of baby years and now they are 8 and almost 5, I can't imagine going back to the days of lugging around a car seat, pram etc etc.

DH initially wanted more but my family has a set of toddler twins at the moment and quite frankly, they are the equivalent of a vasectomy for DH and I!

DD is 22, and we do regret only having one, although we were all perfectly content while she was growing up.

But, now she's an adult, I feel sorry that she doesn't have siblings to share with/lean on/chat to, like I do. I'm sorry that she won't have nephews or nieces and her children won't have cousins. I'm annoyed that she's so often defined by her only-child status in other people's minds, eg if she wants time to herself she's being a "typical anti-social only", but if she's being very sociable and outgoing, well then she's over-compensating for having no siblings! And yes, I do worry about her shouldering the burden alone when we are elderly. DH and I have lost 3 elderly parents between us in the last couple of years, all after grim long-drawn-out illnesses, and I honestly couldn't have coped without my sisters.

I suppose I'm saying it's important to think well into the future when making the decision, and not just focus on how things are during childhood. DD is a very happy and well-adjusted young woman, but if I had my time again I would make a head decision to have another.

DH and I always wanted kids and we wanted lots. Five ideally. I had the first and said no more as I nearly lost him. DH asked to have number two before I was ready but two months after, when I wasn't pregnant and disappointed, I knew I was ready. There wasn't really a chance I had conceived as it was too late in the month. We then had dc2 and was pregnant before she was one. I then miscarried. I got pregnant again, lost one of the babies, nearly died when giving birth and nearly lost the baby so that's it for us. No more. Sometimes what you want isn't what you get and you have to accept things.

Sorry Ted but there are no guarantees that siblings will even get on, never mind live in the same parts of the world or have children themselves. My sister and I can't bear each other. She's extremely unlikely to ever have children, so no nieces or nephews/cousins for DD. I can't imagine she'll be around if mum or dad need anything in their old age but she'll be very interested in the will.

DH lives away from his family. DD has a group of friends that are closer than her many cousins on that side, because again, his siblings don't bother.

The reasons you've given aren't good reasons to bring another person into the world IMO.

(There's no way I'd want DD nursing me in my old age/through illness. I'd be off to dignitas with funeral ready planned.)

I never wanted kids, DH always did too. I made a conscious decision to have one for him and never looked back. 19 months later I found myself pregnant again despite being on the pill. We had a great big panic then just got on with it and now I see two happy little boys 5 and almost 3 and I know it was meant to be. They are really happy together, play together, cuddle together. argue and row and make up and entertain each other. I know now that what I felt 10 years ago isn't what I feel now.

I guess my point is never say never.

I already had DS1 when DH and I met. He wanted two, I didn't really mind, we went on to have DS2 and found out recently I can't have any more. We're both ok with it, though if I'd fallen pregnant with another we'd have been thrilled with that, too.

I come from a very chaotic background; adopted with many birth siblings, two adopted siblings who've gone NC with the whole family. None of us are close; when my Dad was ill a few years back neither of his biological children (now adults ten years my senior) showed up or helped. It's a weird thing; expecting your DCs to be friends/to help you in your old age. It's more and more unlikely to happen these days.

We wanted 2. We were certain. Both from families with 3 and we are both the youngest. We both have siblings with 'middle child poor me syndrome'.
First was a contraceptive failure (the pill). Wanted 2 year gap and fell for DC2 first try.
Both DS which was not a problem, we just wanted healthy kids. We didn't get that. DS2 has lots of disabilities and delays. There was no way we were having any more!
Then contraception failure number 2 !!! Lost the baby .... Fate decided.
Then condom and pill contraceptive failure I shit you not! We were not taking any risks hence why we were using both!!!!
DD was born! Happy with 3 .... Don't DTD very often now!!!! If DH has the op.... He'd get more!!!

Disappointed I know siblings don't always get on, but I believe more do than don't. And no-one wants their child to nurse them in old age, my dad would have done anything to prevent it, but I've seen that it genuinely isn't as simple as you describe when the time comes, just setting off for Dignitas etc! I think my reasons are as valid as any. After all, so many people have a child because they've had a contraception failure, or they want the child to satisfy their own emotional needs, or they just vaguely always assumed they would, without thinking about it really.

Neither of us felt strongly one way or another, but the biological clock started ticking and we ran out of excuses (changing jobs, moving house, getting married) so we thought we'd stop contraception and leave it to nature. A lot of friends were having babies around then too. It took 18 months and two early miscarriages before DC1 was conceived and by then I was certain I wanted a baby, but I really wasn't what I would describe as broody or maternal either. After he was born we never really discussed having a second, it was just sort of assumed we would, they are 23 months apart in age (nearly 10 and 12yo now) and the best thing that ever happened to me, having two was definitely right for us. Never considered a third though and no regrets about that either. The maternal instincts kicked in as soon as DC1 came along, but broody never really did.