3 complaints about the IL's. AIBU?

[GenevaMaybe]

1. No breakfast is served on Christmas Day and you can't get in to the kitchen to grab something as it's all "get out, get out we are preparing the turkey". A platter of smoked salmon canapés arrives out at 1pm which we are not allowed to touch because they are for the neighbours. Then lunch is served at 3.30pm by which point we are all HANGRY especially my poor niece (8 years old) and nephew (10 yrs old) who are beside themselves with hunger
2. When I finally sit down to eat my food, I am single-handedly wrangling my 15-month old toddler at the same time so get to eat maybe 30% of it. Then I am expected to take her away to play as she "won't sit nicely at the table"
3. Nephew plays with an extremely loud drone helicopter thing outside my toddler's door as she's going to sleep at 7pm. I ask him to stop and his parents give me this look and tell him to enjoy his toys. Meanwhile toddler is standing in travel cot wailing to get out and see what's going on. This goes on for 35 minutes.

There are many many more, including FIL hiding the good wine in glasses behind the curtain which he drinks throughout the day and then pours rubbish for everyone else. But those were the main three that I am still a bit cross about and wanted to get off my chest.

AIBU? I suspect I have a very low tolerance threshold. Hell really is other people

I would be spending the Christmas holidays in your own home and without either set of relatives present.

Hmmm...

Well I would have taken everyone off to McDonald's for breakfast - loudly.

I would have asked DH, or anyone else that had finished their dinner, to amuse the toddler while I finished mine.

One late night won't do your child too much harm.

And I'd have said very loudly^ "oi FIL, why are you hiding the lovely wine we* brought, can I have some please" while holding out my empty glass.

I thinkyou need to sit DH down and talk about the 2 first points (and possibly the wine!) - plus that he "let you down" by getting drunk so early, thereby leaving you to deal with the toddler alone. It's unfair he behaved like that knowing what your PIL are like and how hard it is for you. I would refuse to travel on christmas after that, ask him why he thinks you and DS should have to put up with a shit time on Christmas day? You could invite PIL to you, if you can't fit in siblings as well, then you see them boxing day.

People who are bad hosts and make their guests miserable don't deserve guests. If they don't offer any food from getting up until 3:30pm, then they must realise they are being crap hosts, they are delibrately making their guests have a terrible time.

Invite them to you next year. hopefully they won't come.

My in-laws were actually lovely people but not the best hosts in that they also forgot how much and how frequently younger people needed to eat, and MIL got ratty if we went into the kitchen. She was also not great at things like clean sheets, clean towels, installing central heating, sufficient hot water, clearing out space so we could unpack and so on, so staying with them could actually be pretty uncomfortable.

The difference was that if you went and said "Please can I have something to eat?" or "Can we put the immersion on?" or "The baby is cold" they would apologise and act on it, even if they thought we were being a bit high maintenance now and then. I find if you behave in a friendly but elegant way, expressing your needs, people treat you better than if you just mutter behind closed doors about it all.

If these people are being crap hosts, you need to either charm them out of it a bit or not go again. A third way is to get out of the house as much as possible and do your own thing, to dilute the effect of any difficulties. My usual plan is to do the latter.

PS I have just spent Xmas without any relatives, just my DH and four DCs, and it was bloody fantastic. A revelation.

Tell your DP to have a word with ILs re: points 1&2 and the wine and to let you know the outcome. Tell him if these continue you and dcs will be staying at home for Xmas. your ILs need to be more flexible when catering for young children. The wine business is just rude.

Next time you should order croissants and fruit and champers on one of those' eat 'phone things,as the teenagers do nowadays.

Ostentatiously receive YOUR order at the front door and off to your room with it.

YANBU, have endured quite a bit of what you describe over the years. Cereal bars - have a good supply with you, not the perfect breakfast, but once a year a couple of them will do the kids no harm, and means you don't have to have a fight about kitchen rights. Oh and keep back some of the good wine next time.

Or, you can do what we now do, stay home, no in-laws or other family, at all. Bloody bliss, kids love it, I love it, and OH loves that no one is moaning, result, I've already told my kids, once they leave home OH and I will be going on holiday every christmas as a present to ourselves

Why don't you just have Xmas on your own in your own home? I don't understand why people can't talk to their family about things like this.
Just say that you like to do Xmas a different way to them, so the best solution is that you each have Xmas the way each couple/family like it in your own homes.

I wouldn't expect to be 'served' breakfast but I would expect to be able to quickly nip in and make some toast.

Why did your DH not insist on doing this? It wouldn't take longer than 5 minutes at the very most.

Your DH should also have shared the childcare at dinner time, instead of getting drunk.

Probably best to stay home next Christmas and perhaps visit the inlaws on Boxing Day?

We don't have breakfast on Christmas Day but we don't stop anyone going to the kitchen to grab something if they want/need it. My sister used to put mini boxes of cereal in her children's stockings when they were younger.

Sorry did you say every Sunday?

More fool you!

There's a simple solution. Take it.

My sister used to put mini boxes of cereal in her children's stockings when they were younger.

What a fantastic idea!!

Please don't avoid Xmas Day with your IL's in future as that is a little sad.

The PP suggestion of cereal bars, and maybe bananas too, is a great idea to avoid the lack of breakfast.

As for the wine, I would suggest that you bring a bottle as a host gift, plus however many bottles you think that you need, to share on the day. Also, literally present the wine in that way when you arrive - "here's a bottle for you FIL, plus some of our favourite wine to share". If said wine then seems to vanish, DH needs to grow a pair and say "Dad, where is the wine we brought?" I don't think that there is anything rude in doing that. You wouldn't do that at a friend's house, but family is another thing.

Also, what were the other complaints? 😀 I almost love a good IL's thread as much as a parking thread. But, maybe that's because mine are pretty appalling too!

I'm fairly fond of my inlaws now but there were a few years we didn't visit for Christmas because they weren't accommodating of our young children and made life stressful. We happily visit now our children are much older but wish we'd spent less time traveling to anyone else's house at Christmas and gad more of the young children Christmases at home pleasing ourselves.

I also noticed the "every Sunday" comment. I'd be stopping that sharpish.

Especially as the DCs grow older and get party invites, do activities, etc, or even go out with frieds once they hit teenage years.

I'm not saying stop it completely, but I'd not be committing myself to every Sunday, or to any rigid pattern.

Why are you allowing this crap? Say something about the no breakfast bollocks!

Or tell them that you'll stay at home and travel down for the Christmas meal and no earlier! Book into a hotel near by(ish) and then retire to the hotel and at least you'll get a breakfast the next day.

TELL the nephew NOT to wake your child and give his mother a straight back...

And keep the good wine for yourselves. Take him a wine box and leave it at that.

If I were you id stay at home next yet and no, NOT host them. This sounds like hell on earth!

Oh God, sounds like Xmas at my in laws! Luckily only once every 3 years for us. We now get around it by declining to stay over Xmas Eve. We have a large cooked breakfast at home then arrive at pil's around lunchtime so we're happy to last til mid afternoon when the main meal is served.

On more normal visits, I agree with pp about taking your own food supply. We have a stash of cereal bars, dried fruit etc for us and the dc. And dh and I have a code between us so if things get too bad we 'go for a walk' which involves swinging by a cafe. Though I have sat on Morrison's car park stuffing myself with boiled ham from the packet through sheer desperation in the past!

Think I'd be all PA about the food and bring my own breakfast and a light lunch. Particularly if alcohol were being served. Would also have tried to move on dnephew.

I hid my posh wine from my brother and his wife yesterday
Every Boxing Day we host them and their 4 Dc . ( also a couple of other times in year ) We spend a lot on lovely meal, several puddings, endless cava, posh red wine.
They turn up every year with nothing. Not even a cheap bottle of wine.
Last year I asked him to get some cava from down the road as we only had one bottle. He took the money I offered which I thought rude.
They also always turn up late .
I decided that I have had enough of their rudeness and we decided that we would not put out our posh wine. Childish , yes .
Yesterday DB actually left without saying goodbye or thankyou to me . He did thank DH .
The wine I gave them was Hardys , etc so not quite blossom hill although I was very tempted 😁

The food situation is dire and completely unacceptable. I didn't need to read any further!!

Christmas at home on your own. A lovely Christmas breakfast, (we have smoked salmon, mushrooms, scrambled egg, toast, bacon, tomatoes, Prosecco, good coffee, croissants..... My favourite meal.

Toys/walk/read/play/enjoy......

Simple but lovely dinner:- roast turkey/chicken with all the things you love with it. Crackers and Christmas pudding to make it special. Candles, good wine, music.. Washing up for three - all in the dishwasher.

Cheese,chocs, wine, telly, games, chat --- BED.

Perfect

Visit rellies on other days

I drink Blossom Hill out of choice...

totally misses the point of the thread

Blossom Hill is much nicer than Hardys