Is DHBU re hostility to a cleaner when I'm ill?

[Eleanor04]

Work full-time and have a couple of p-t jobs. All require preparation so many, many hours spent in the week working. OK (ish) up to now but now looks as though I have polymyalgia & possibly a stomach disorder. Raft of tests being carried out.

Am in pretty much constant pain & often the pain is really quite severe. Possibility of going onto steroids once stomach pains diagnosed.

In absolutely no position to give up my full-time, day job as DH's income fluctuates &, through no fault of his own, is very modest even when he manages to get full days' work. We don't spend much on ourselves at all. Support a DC at uni (who unfortunately doesn't have a job either at uni or when he's home in the holidays - been a constant battle to motivate him to work - long story) & other DCs finding their way after graduation but needing a helping hand. Have other pressing expenses - mortgages & historic debts.

But I work bloody hard and long and have been telling DH for a long time that we should consider a cleaner, if only once a week, as my aches and pains are making it hard to set to after a day's (and often evening as well) work. In an ideal world, DH & DCs when they're home (all boys - don't know if that makes a difference - it dam well shouldn't of course) would organize a rota amongst themselves or simply get down to it.

DH has been consistently negative about prospect of hiring a cleaner & to cap it all this morning, he stormed out of the room, saying 'Alright, we'll get a f..ing cleaner' - meaning, of course, not a word of it.

I'm hurt by his attitude & baffled (because they clearly love me) and saddened by the fact that the boys (DSs and DH) can't see what's going on and just get down to it.

DH - indeed DCs too - are BU - are they not?

The one at the uni - you keep supporting him, when you can't really afford it, and he doesn't even try to help?
My kids are a lot younger, so of course I can't really say what I would be doing as a parent. But while my parents did support me, while at uni and later when between jobs, they were very clear that I was expected to pull my own weight and work as much as possible (or actively look for work). He sounds like he's taking the piss a bit here.
And yes, other working adults should be contributing to household expenses.

I sympathise as I also have a lazy arse h and am not going to put up with it any more. He got sacked from his job 3 weeks before Christmas and has not lifted a finger around the house,written cards or wrapped presents etc. Says that there's nothing wrong in having the house looking 'lived in'
He has only worked 6 months in the last few years and says I am nagging if I ask what he's doing to get another one. He will only do a job that appeals to him not just any old one that would help to pay the bills.
He has been in the spare room for a year and it looks like a teenagers with crap all over the floor. I have made him do his own washing but he sees no 'point' in doing any other stuff around the house. I cannot see what the point of him is any more tbh.
I hope your pain gets better and things improve for you. You need to put your foot down over this.

Unfortunately, if you marry a man who is 'loving' but fundamentally sexist, and then you have only sons with him, it will creep up on you slowly that you are living in a house where you, as the only person without a penis, are the house servant rather than a family member. Now you can see your H and sons for what they are: men who believe that women exist to look after them and do not have any needs that should be met, ever.

It is perhaps worth remembering that the economic and political climate do make it a lot harder for young people to get work that actually pays them (zero hours contracts, unpaid internships, etc), but that shouldn't stop your sons from doing domestic work while they seek decent jobs.

Get a cleaner, definitely. You have a right to make decisions about the household, partciularly as you are the one earning the household income.

If your children helped more, you wouldn't need to pay for a cleaner. It certainly sounds like a fair solution to reduce their financial support towards a cleaner if they don't step up.

Glad to hear you've got a plan of action OP.

Regarding your son at uni, if he won't get off his arse and help himself, why are you working extra hours to compensate? Just stop doing it, if he can't pay his bills then he'll have to get a job to support himself? I do think it's time for some tough love here, right now you're just enabling him to be lazy and inconsiderate.

OP all these young people should be working at least part time. It is frankly disgusting that you are working such long hours and still struggling whilst they sit around playing computer games.

I had to cut my DD off financially when she was 16 as she kept saying she "couldn't" get a job. She soon bloody found one when she realised I meant it and she had no money for clothes/cinema etc. You really do need to get tough here!

Good for you OP thats a great plan of action. You and how you are feeling are the main priority, they can't just sit around whilst you're ill, worried and knackered having to pick up after them. If they would just pull their weight you wouldn't even need a cleaner. Your Uni student son is on a road to nowhere if he thinks a faffing about attitude will get him anywhere in this life so its best to be very firm with him now. Its quite worrying that he is prepared to sit back and be carried in this way - not even a part-time job off his own bat?!

Still, he has no example does he if he can see your DH doing nothing to supplement a fluctuating income (I see you have 3 jobs!) and not helping out around the house either. It just screams "unmotivated entitled lazy". Yur DH should absolutely be moving heaven & earth to stabilise the family finances especially as you're not so well now. The main thing in all this is for you to be OK, so put yourself 1st now before you hit burnout. Good luck, making a stand at least = a chance that things will work out

I agree with others who says stop supporting son at uni- tell him to get off his arse. As for the other tell them you will do their cleaning/washing and whatever else but tell them you will charge them to do it from now on if they don't do it themselves. With the money you charge them use it to get a cleaner so you aren't out of pocket.

Brilliant plan of action op, hope it works out for you.

What is his problem?

'Work full-time and have a couple of p-t jobs. All require preparation so many, many hours spent in the week working... Now looks as though I have polymyalgia & possibly a stomach disorder.'

No shiteola, Sherlock.

'Perhaps a cleaner could be afforded' - no, no. Is your DH's objection financial? What situation would you be in if you become fully unable to work? Because somewhere along the line that may happen. Get the cleaner now (like, today) and work out what the gap in finances is. Cut what you need from the support you currently give your kids - inform them kindly that the chips are down, times are hard and last time you noticed they each had two feet, so time to stand on them.

Oh BTW there's nothing MN likes more than a budget thread - start another one under another name if you dont' want to do it here - cue a massive bunfight over how many meals you can get out of 20p. You'd be doing us a favour honestly very dull here and starting to look forward to going back to work

Sounds like your dh could be bringing in a bit more if he felt the need, too. You already work ft+, how about dropping some of the + and he picks it up? I have never come across a man who, working pt himself, has let his wife - already working ft - take on another job to make up the shortfall, except for those who are cocklodging lazyfuckers.

Yes, most people leave Uni and take whatever work they can get. Most don't immediately jump into their best job ever scenarios, not even those who are lucky enough to get into the field they actually want. Are your dss waiting about for the perfect job? Are they taking after their father perhaps?

You are starting off in the right way now. Do not let any of them take advantage of you as they have been. Tell them. Pull no punches. Ask every single one of them, and your dh, how they think they'd manage if your serious illnesses resulted in your being in hospital for months, not earning, not doing the fucking cleaning, not anything. Ask them how they'd manage if you never got home again, or in a state where they had to look after you?

Tell them to start practising. Now. You want a cup of tea and a biscuit please, who's going to make it?

You poor thing OP. It sounds like you're really being taken advantage of.

Your DH should either be doing a LOT more around the house or should be on board with the cleaner idea. If he's a freelancer or in seasonal employment, then he'll have plenty of time during quiet season to get on with things.

Your DS at uni shouldn't be relying on you. He's young and healthy, and will be getting student loans to cover basic accommodation costs. If he wants booze or fun money, then he needs to get a job in McDonalds or a local pub to pay for it. When he's home he should be paying housekeeping, or if he can't find a job, should be doing work round the house to pay his way.

Yes, it's tough out there for graduates, but the majority of grown adults don't get support from their parents. They need to either find a part time job to supplement their income, or budget better.

It's a good time to make these changes with the new year approaching. You just really need to start putting yourself first.

OP, even now, you seem to have such very low expectations of the rest of your household.

"DH's income fluctuates &, through no fault of his own, is very modest even when he manages to get full days' work."
You have gone out and got yourself two part-time jobs on top of your full-time job. Has he even attempted to get additional work, outside of his own poorly-paying job? Or will he not countenance demeaning himself with e.g. an unskilled minimum-wage job that would allow you some respite? And I know you say 'through no fault of his own' but seriously, shouldn't he be trying a bit harder to take the burden off of his ill and overworked wife?

"We don't spend much on ourselves at all. Support a DC at uni (who unfortunately doesn't have a job either at uni or when he's home in the holidays - been a constant battle to motivate him to work - long story) & other DCs finding their way after graduation but needing a helping hand."
All your DC are adults. Seriously, would they rather see their mum work herself into the ground rather than get their fingers out their arses? YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO EXTEND A HELPING HAND TO YOUR GRADUATE ADULT CHILDREN. YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO SUPPORT YOUR UNDERGRADUATE ADULT CHILD. Fuck sake woman, you are ill and I have to wonder if juggling three jobs has anything to do with that. I think it is high time you considered what would happen if your illness worsened and you ended up flat on your back. They'd have a very quick introduction to financial reality, methinks.

Even now your talking about negotiating a rota, and 'if he worked just a few hours' - aarrgghhhh! Stop asking and start telling. You have been a doormat to your lazy menfolk a long time I'm guessing, and where has it got you? With three jobs and poor health. Put a rocket up their arses FFS.

Hugs regarding the pain etc.

I was in a similar situation - I too felt it should be a joint decision though a) I admit both dh and I weren't sure if it were for us / felt awkward about it and b) now dh earns much more of the cash.

I was too weak to do much inc cleaning though now I'm much better.

I agree you do not need his permission; in the end I just organised it myself though dh didn't really care beyond feeling a tad embarrassed at our chaos. (As I am!)

It was a huge relief though the tidying up all in one go was tough at first! (Toddler!!) however it has helped.

In addition to your plan re cleaner, I found 'the pain toolkit' very helpful, from the pov of talking through with dh. Recognising pacing, flare management and delegating (cleaner). He hadn't accepted my pain (neither had I) and he didn't understand pacing (neither did I really!) It might be of help to you to communicate to others what you need and why in a very black and white doctors orders fashion.

www.paintoolkit.org

Why doesn't your DS at uni support himself with student loans like other students?

I have three sons who all went to uni. We helped them out, but made it very clear that any extra money they would have to earn. It stood them in good stead once they graduated as employers could see that they were hard working etc. All three got jobs straightaway in their chosen fields. You are doing them no good letting them fanny about on a computer all holiday.

I too used to work full time and was then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. My husband was less than thrilled with the idea of a cleaner, but I ignored him and just organised it. I have found over the years that it is better to just do things and deal with the flack later. Many times I have heard my dh telling people about things as if they were all his idea, cleaner included. Just do it, you won't regret it.

Get those boys off their arses and tell them that you will no longer be able to bank roll them. Look at it as an exercise in graduate training.

OP you sound like you work so hard. Sorry you are not well.
i think your DH needs to take a step back and look at the big picture. You are overworking. He needs to bloody well do more and if he did then the idea of a cleaner may have not entered your head.
I would go ahead and hire a cleaner. You dont need his permission. Good luck OP.

You are not doing your future DILs a favour bringing up lazy men children. You don't need a cleaner, you need a roster.

As PPs say, cut the money to your adult DC and use some of that for a cleaner.

I worked at uni. And volunteered in the subject I was studying. When I was home for the holidays I have my mum £200 a month as students get 3 months off in the summer and I was earning more than my mum. Your DC at uni is taking the total piss!

OP, I grew up surrounded by musicians, and spent most of my adult life around actors and musicians. Certainly when they first leave college/uni/wherever they trained, the took any old job, just to being in enought to live, let alone ensure they could practise or rehearse. Actors mainly started or joined small companies, and worked like mad putting on productions while working in bars/cafes/etc. Musicians were the same, start or join a chamber orchestra/band/what have you, and rehearse rehearse rehearse, while also trying to plug themselves, auditions, AND work in bars/cafes/temp agencies, etc etc etc.

My dh is a very talented musician. He's worked in all sorts of places, doing all sorts of things.

There really is no excuse for any of your lot, especially now you're ill.

This is a Very Out There suggestion and may not be relevant, but could your undiagnosed stomach pains be stress-related? Because, y'know, 3 jobs, too much work, too much to do in the house, worry about polymyalgia, pain from polymyalgia, worry about finances - all sounds extremely stressful to me.

Perhaps you should tell your DSs that, as you are so unwell, you actually have to drop at least one of the extra jobs, so that will mean less money, so you will be unable to financially support any of them any longer. In other words, "set them free" to go and sort themselves out as the adults they are.

This would reduce your work hours, reduce your tiredness, reduce your financial stress (a bit) - and might reduce your pain and possibly your stomach issues might just go away. They might not either, of course - but it couldn't hurt to try.

Also tell your DH to get a grip and either get more work, rather than allowing his ill wife to support him (disgusting!) OR take on the housework since he's just dossing at home a lot of the time.

I see your plan, and it's a good one, but possibly doesn't go far enough. It's a start though. I prefer mine but it's not my family!