Is DHBU re hostility to a cleaner when I'm ill?

[Eleanor04]

Work full-time and have a couple of p-t jobs. All require preparation so many, many hours spent in the week working. OK (ish) up to now but now looks as though I have polymyalgia & possibly a stomach disorder. Raft of tests being carried out.

Am in pretty much constant pain & often the pain is really quite severe. Possibility of going onto steroids once stomach pains diagnosed.

In absolutely no position to give up my full-time, day job as DH's income fluctuates &, through no fault of his own, is very modest even when he manages to get full days' work. We don't spend much on ourselves at all. Support a DC at uni (who unfortunately doesn't have a job either at uni or when he's home in the holidays - been a constant battle to motivate him to work - long story) & other DCs finding their way after graduation but needing a helping hand. Have other pressing expenses - mortgages & historic debts.

But I work bloody hard and long and have been telling DH for a long time that we should consider a cleaner, if only once a week, as my aches and pains are making it hard to set to after a day's (and often evening as well) work. In an ideal world, DH & DCs when they're home (all boys - don't know if that makes a difference - it dam well shouldn't of course) would organize a rota amongst themselves or simply get down to it.

DH has been consistently negative about prospect of hiring a cleaner & to cap it all this morning, he stormed out of the room, saying 'Alright, we'll get a f..ing cleaner' - meaning, of course, not a word of it.

I'm hurt by his attitude & baffled (because they clearly love me) and saddened by the fact that the boys (DSs and DH) can't see what's going on and just get down to it.

DH - indeed DCs too - are BU - are they not?

You don't need permission to hire a cleaner as it seems you are not only the only one to get off their arse to earn a wage to support your family, but the one that does all the donkey work around the house too.

Sound like you've missed the boat already in getting your dh and dc to be responsible and proactive when it comes to housework and that wont change overnight.

So I'd sit down with your dh first and then your ds's, tell them you just cant don't it all anymore as its causing you pain and you are exhusted, they need to pull their weight.

Tell them what you expect: pick/clean up after themselves (dishes in dishwasher or washed), keep own rooms tidy, no crap left lying about.

Dish out a big chunk of the chores for each person: bathroom(s) once a week, bins/recycling, dishwasher, changing beds, kitchen clean, hoover/dust, laundry, make dinner once a week each etc

Expecting just ~1/2 hour of cleaning/helping out daily from everyone is not unreasonable and will get a lot done. Your dh must support you fully, lead by example and help you make sure the dc's jobs get done.

If they don't, stop being a martyr, tools down (stop making dinner/giving lifts/laundry, money handouts apart from absolute essentials etc) until they behave like they are part of your family!

Stop indulging these lazy men
You are ruining your health, working all hours to finance and look after them all.
They are all taking the bloody piss

Why doesn't your DH do the housework ? He should be the cleaner.
Why are you working to pay morgages and debts for your adult sons ? "Adult" should normally mean self-supporting.

Stop doing any housework. Lower your standards and ignore the mess.
If your DH and resident son don't step up, just cook for yourself and wash your clothes, not theirs.
The Bank of Mum should stop now for your sons.

Please put yourself first, because those lazy sods will work you into your grave.

Get a cleaner. It's all very well 'having a conversation with your DH' or 'making a list for your DCs' but fgs they are not stupid. They know houses need to be tidied and cleaned. It's not your responsibility to manage them because 'managing' how and when they clean will become as much hassle and heartache as cleaning it yourself.

So, just get a cleaner. If it belatedly prompts your DH and DCs to step up then so be it, but get and keep the cleaner until you can see that the rest of your family will pull their weight. And if you never see that, then keep the cleaner. You matter more than the house and your DH's ego.

I'm really aghast that your H won't consider getting a cleaner, but is happy to let you do all the slog despite your working hours and your health problems!!

Why in fuck are you putting up with this?? Why in fuck does your H not put his hand to the vacuum once in a while and help out? (I mean, he should really do a LOT more than that, he should be doing whatever he can to make your life easier!)

How many of your boys live at home? Because they should be bloody well helping out as well! I cannot be doing with the concept that adult "children" don't pull their weight at home, it makes me cross - what sort of life are they going to have when they do have their own home, if they've not been brought up to do basic housework and cooking etc.? And no, it shouldn't make any difference whether or not they're boys - you don't do housework using a penis, or a vagina, so it's as easy for them to learn how to do it as it would be for a girl!

Sorry for rant. But really. Make them help out, and if they won't, then get the cleaner.

Get the cleaner. Your H has in his own way agreed to it though why you needed his permission I'm not entirely sure.

What your H actually wants you to do is to continue to do everything but shut the f*ck up about it. Meanwhile whilst living with chronic pain, you're also the main breadwinner but don't want to make him feel ashamed by it so don't mention it.

Yes it's time to instigate lists and not helping out your DCs so much but those things will take time to bed in and will cause some stress on the way. It's absolutely worth doing it so that hopefully your DCs will not end up expecting the person with the vagina to be responsible for everything in the house.

But in the short term you need to do what's best for your condition.

Run this one past me again - you're working three jobs, are in pain, there's always one or two other adults living in the house - and it falls to you to do the cleaning?

You shouldn't need a cleaner, they should be doing it. If they WON'T, then they can STFU about you getting a cleaner.

Seriously OP - if your husband isn't working as many hours as you patently are, then he has time to clean. And as for your son's 'motivation' - I suggest 'do it or go elsewhere' would be worth trying. At least if he's elsewhere he's not causing any mess to clean up.

Why do you accept their behaviour?

I'm hurt by his attitude & baffled (because they clearly love me) and saddened by the fact that the boys (DSs and DH) can't see what's going on and just get down to it

Loving another person means consistently putting their welfare as equal or more important than your own.

The men you live with don't do that. Maybe they just are too dense to notice. But I doubt it. They have noticed - your husband has stormed out and sworn at you when you raise the issue of a cleaner.

Awful behaviour. Not merely 'unreasonable' but selfish, nasty and not demonstrating a scrap of 'love' for you.

If you are the main earner then I don't think you really need his approval as you will most likely be paying for the cleaner.

Although, if he is not regularly working full days why is he not doing the housework while you are working FT plus PT jobs?

Do it. Just get one. If you can afford it and he has no major concerns like privacy/insurance to check first and it's about new/change then just do it. And I'd say don't get into 'well if you do it yourself I won't get one' because you may find he'll do it for a short time and then fade back into it being your problem.

I've had one since I became ill some years ago, it's not only a huge physical saver it's been an emotional lifeline too. The house doesn't look in a mess that stresses me out all the time and makes me guilty, the once a week thorough clean (doing all the bending I can't) means I can do the odds and ends myself, and the house is always under control and I can relax in it. That's a BIG part of maintaining your feeling of control and stability when you're going through a diagnosis and handling an illness. Dh muttering about the house being too clean and tidy is not going to be a major downside in the long term, and once its done and up and running it will stop being a new/big thing. Becoming ill does mean adapting and taking short cuts. see M&S stuff in oven Christmas dinner

What others have said. So your family really thinks it's totally reasonable that you work several jobs and still do all (or most) of the cleaning, while in pain. And they sit on their arses watching? Get the cleaner.

Support a DC at uni (who unfortunately doesn't have a job either at uni or when he's home in the holidays - been a constant battle to motivate him to work - stop supporting, that usually does the trick.

Personally having a cleaner makes me uncomfortable. Tbh I don't really like anyone in our house, apart from us and the kids.

So I get him not wanting one. However me and dh make sure we do it between us.

Tbh you don't need a cleaner. Your dh and DC should be doing it. You only need a cleaner because they are being inconsiderate arseholes.

Why are you supporting adult DC when they do nothing around the house or have jobs?

I can't work out if your dh works full time or not. But if there are periods he isn't working then he should be making up for that by doing more at home.

This whole situation is ridiculous.

On Christmas Eve, my ds (4) and dd (11) helped us clean the house top to bottom. I am not a perfect parent. But I can not fathom people who bring their kids up without getting them to help out around the house.

You hiring a cleaner is throwing a spot light on his own lack of work within the house, he doesnt want anyone asking why you are working 3 jobs and so having to hire a cleaner when he isnt working full time hours (by the sound of it) and could do it himself

There it is in a nut shell, shows him up for the selfish arse he is.

Would rather his wife suffer than cleanup his own shit. Let me hazard a guess you do ALL the cooking, washing.....

just go to tidychoice.com and get urself sorted.

Hire the cleaner.

Then have serious words with your family

Well, I would decide I dont' care if the house isn't cleaned. If I was you I would be out at work for most of the time anyway. So who cares, who are you trying to impress??? The rest of your family don't care. Why should you?

Wash you own sheets and clothes if no one else takes it on and do nothing else. Who cooks and shops ???????? If it is you then stop. NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE will do such tedious, thankless, mind numbing work as cleaning and cooking if they can get away with it. Your family get away with it.

Get a divorce, get your own flat and don't support him financially. Then hire a cleaner, it will cost less when you are the only one messing the place up.

You say they love you, but they don't really act like it, do they?

OP I think you have posted about this wankbadger before?

Either way, he is not the Boss of you. I would hire a cleaner pronto, and be aware that he will come up with all kinds of ruses to try to put you off. Things will mysteriously have gone missing, things will be mysteriously be dirty, it will all be sooo inconvenient for him.

Not inconvenient enough for him to get a FT job or do the cleaning himself though obviously.

If he's never cleaned he ain't going to start doing it now.
Get your house how you like it, for you, and ignore anyone who doesn't care enough to help.
Lazy people don't get a vote.

Jesus Christ, you've married a lazy selfish fucker and have raised your children as lazy selfish fuckers too.

Get a cleaner. As your DH contributes the sum total of fuck all, then it's fuck all to do with him.

Same as everyone else. You do not need his permission to get a cleaner. He doesnt get the final say. Hire a cleaner. I wonder if he is teying to control you through enforcing a lack of time. You have three jobs and do everything in the house. I bet you get no regular free time, do you?

Your Dh needs to get off his bloody arse and clean up then
Agree that your ds need to get a job, doing anything.
I would feel terrible if my mother had to work three bloody jobs and was ill to boot.
You are not doing them any favours , mark my words.

Why are you enabling these lazy men, do you have martyr syndrome? Because as you've now seen, it doesn't get you anywhere. Sorry OP - when you over-indulge people like this, a sudden expectation that because you're unwell and need help = they'll magically "see" your needs is naive to say the least. Why would they? To them you are the same person you have always been, and will do what you've always done.

People can be very selfish and sometimes your own behaviour in continuing to facilitate that, can come back to bite you.

I'd have told DH Im hiring a cleaner, I wouldn't have asked. Im really hoping its not a case that his eye is so much on your available money, that he doesn't want anything else impacting on the income into your home at all. Is he self-employed btw? I am, and can tell you if contracts aren't coming in regularly at certain periods, I get my ass out there and pick up extra work, even if its in catering field; numerious p/t ad hoc positions available yeah it doesn't pay brilliantly but as its in no way a main career, who cares? It helps pay the bills and thats all I care about, as should anyone who actually cares about not leaving financial burdens on partner they're living with

Yes, sit your family down and have a talk if you think it'll do any good. Having a cleaner is not a magic cure-for-all unless s/he is going to come in every day. If so much mess is created on the "in between days" cleaner isn't there, then its self-defeating. You're still living in the mess then, and if cleaner has to do a mountain of work at every visit you're going to run into hassle. Life simply doesn't work when you live with a group of lazy people so, good luck if you can sort it out.. I can't believe your DH's attitude to housework and outside work is he some kind of special snowflake?

Sometime we as women need to really, honestly, brutally take a look at the man we're going into our elder years with... going through life with a selfish lazy not financially stable lazy arse of a man?! No thank you.

We support two students at University and both have no hesitation in picking up part time jobs when they want more money. In fact DD spent last night alone in her Uni town instead of partying back home with her mates because she has a Christmas contract that requires her to work Boxing Day and the 27th.

You are doing your kids no favours by bringing them up to be dependent and lazy.

I'd like to thank you all for your comments - I've read them all and have found myself quietly saying 'Amen' to each and every one. Plan of action:

1. Conservation in earnest - no pulling punches with DH and Dss. DH knows in some detail about the health problems - and has been supportive but the cleaner comment today (preceded by months of rumbling hostility) was shocking, especially as he knows that I'm in a lot of pain and, almost worse, worried about what the as yet undiagnosed pains are all about. DSs, when they're here (and at least one will be f-t shortly as he looks for work &, the others, in the holidays) must pull their weight. The one at uni, in particular, does virtually nothing to help (and, as I mentioned, won't get a job which leaves us frantically trying to support him, pay his accomm costs fully etc). In the holidays, he's been amusing himself on his computer - if he'd been revising for upcoming exams, that would be one thing but he's certainly had loads of time to work a bit and help defray some of his uni costs.

1. Rota - may be able to negotiate it - may have to impose it but something has got to be drawn up. Starting today. I really do mean this.

1. Long hard look at how I've/we've brought the boys up - loving, yes, caring about what's happening in the world, yes, but ultimately thoughtless about what's happening under their noises. And at the moment, that's a mum who is tired out, working flat out and now unwell. I would absolutely hate to think that in time they'll treat their gfs/partners like that - and that I was in anyway responsible. It can't be too late.

1. Cleaner - still thinking this would alleviate the pressure a lot but mindful that we have very little money to spend on anything that isn't very obviously necessary. Though now I think about - and you've been very clear about this in your posts - if the boys worked - the uni DS at least a few hours a week and/or in the holidays - and the others made a lot more effort to find work, whatever it is (didn't we all start off temping etc?) and contribute to their costs when they're living here, perhaps a cleaner could be afforded? Not as a substitute for their help, but an adjunct.

Thanks again - I am going to re-read your posts. They're given me a lot of strength.

Good for you OP