to be really pissed off at H

[BoringlyRestrictive]

DS doesn't sleep well. He woke up at 4am. He came into our bed and sometimes he settles but not tonight. He wriggled around, crying pulling my hair, kicking etc.

H has the day off today. I have a family birthday to go to. This means no chance of a nap.
I ALWAYS get up with DS at night. H hasn't done its once DS was about 3 weeks. He's 16 months almost.
H said at 4.30 'ill take him to the living room' but didn't. Stayed in bed with DS fussing and protesting until I got up at 5.10 THEN h got up immediately defending himself (before I had said anything) and took DS.
2 mins later he returned, turned the light on full to find a jumper for DS. We have iPhones with torches and a dimmer switch.

AIBU to think he is just a selfish lazy inconsiderate fucker. And I have every right to be pissed off with him that I am now wide awake and will have a long tiring day looking after 2 children, on my own, at a family gathering that h opted out off so he could rest (it's his only day off).

Why is looking after his own children helping his wife out Tulip? Surely it's just what parents do?

Why should she have to get on his good side to get him to step up. Let's be clear. This is not him needing to "help out." This is him needing to be a parent and supportive partner. It is not him helping her with her jobs around the house. It is him doing what he should be doing - sharing responsibilities.

Make time drive you there and accompany you for the day!

I am really starting to see why a lot of men do not want children

Make him not time sorry!

Is the event later at a house? I used to nap at family parties (hide in one of the bedrooms) because there was enough people there took entertain and look after the DC.

You need to have a conversation with him, this isn't on and its not fair, especially when you are reaching the point of feeling unsafe. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, he probably thinks you are doing ok, do you vocalise how you feel? Or just hold it in and seeth? I say this as a seething person, but Im taking steps to ensure he knows when he needs to help! These steps involve me opening my gob and letting him know. It's all come as a bit of a shock to him. However you need to speak to him and not just be grateful for what he currently doesn't do.

OP

Tulip - have you been reading The Submitted Wife?

Why Tulip because they would actually have to be responsible for their upbringing instead of just patting them on the head occasionally?

Tulip you are making me giggle. Lots of men understand that being a parent involves putting the child's needs first, broken sleep, drudgery and boredom (as well as all the good stuff).

Or do you think that's women's work?

I would leave ds behind and just take dd to the party. It would do them (dj and ds) both good if your ds refuses to be without you

How is anyone going to be a saint (male or female) in a relationship if really sleep deprived? Women have a stronger bond to the child, we naturally want to do more/feel more responsible. It takes a bigger person to have a positive conversation to get out of the negative spiral. In this case I'm suggesting the woman does it because it was her post. It could equally be the man if he was moaning about her not getting up for the baby and turning the lights on, dumping the kids on him for the day etc. More likely he would be told this is parenting, it's what you signed up for, be nice to your partner.

Tulip are you for real? We're not in the 50's now where good little wifey is a lucky girl if her oh so hard working husband occasionally graces her with some 'help'

Anyway, OP I'd definitely leave DS with your DH today. It will do them both good to have some bonding time and your DD can enjoy the party.

Either that, or I'd drag DH along too. When do you get a day off?

I find leaving the house unannounced and unexpectedly with the DC for a good few hours usually makes DHs behaviour and helpfulness improve.

Conversation and talking about it never helps - he just denies any lack of effort. I just point out what I do need him to do after having been out for a while.

How is anyone going to be a saint (male or female) in a relationship if really sleep deprived?

Exactly! As far as I can tell the Op is the only one in her relationship who is sleep deprived. And yet she is expected to be the better person.

Tulip Have you ever been sleep deprived? Properly sleep deprived I mean. Not "3 bad nights in a row I'm so tired" sleep deprived but not sleeping more than 40 minutes at a time for months sleep deprived? The kind of sleep deprivation that means that every joint in your body hurts, that means your head is permanently splitting in two despite endlessly taking painkillers, that means that your mouth is coated in ulcers, that means that your cognitive function is so impaired that you are covered in bruises from walking into walls and doors because you have no spatial awareness. The kind of sleep deprivation that leads to calmly talking about suicide despite no history of mental health problems?

I have.

I tried asking my "d"h nicely if he could help a bit more. He generally did for a day or so and then decided he was "too tired". Rinse and repeat roughly once a fortnight for months with me constantly sobbing with exhaustion.

Then I told my husband that I hated him, that just looking at him disgusted me, that I would never forgive him, that if I wasn't too tired to do so I would leave him, that if I had known how he would be then I would not have had children with him and that we were not having any more kids. (He wanted a second.)

Oh and that if he ever wakes up to hear did screaming and screaming and me not there then he had better get up with her as I would be dead at the bottom of the stairs.

That worked.

Apparently he "hadn't realised how bad it was".

Our marriage has just about survived and we have had another child. But if he starts being selfish about sleep I don't tell him nicely.

I should have clarified a few things I guess. At that time of the morning having had little sleep I left some relevant details out.
So apologies for drip feeding.

H gets up for work at 3.30. 6 days a week.
This is the reason he doesn't do any night wakings as he needs his sleep)
I don't work, through mutual agreement. I have a 3.5 yr old who doesn't nap so I don't usually get naps but she will usually let me 'rest my eyes' while DS naps.

H has actually had 25th & 26th off but he is classing today as his day 'off' cos I hosted 25th and yesterday we went out as a family unit and he sees that as work (he is quite a grumpy pessimistic person).

He will play football today (he does every Sunday) so I can't leave DS with him.

He refused to come to a birthday on my side of the family. He has always done this. Doesn't like going so just doesn't.
I fail to understand why I should also not go just cos he isn't though? That doesn't make sense.

He has basically called me names and made out that I am being unreasonable for having actually thought he was going to get up at 4.30 (when he said he was going to) and that at 5.15 I got annoyed that it had taken him 45 to get out of bed.

He wasn't sleeping through DS's noises etc. He was looking after him but just not wanting to get out of bed!

I really wouldn't take Tulips relationship advice with any degree of seriousness

OK so he gets a pass to some extent on the nights because of his work, but he is still sounding bad OP: you know this.

Family day out counts as "work"? Wtf?

Football on his one day off every week - do you get a similar amount of leisure time?

Not attending your family events: that must go down well with your family! Dickhead.

Tulip as you said, you don't have children. So you have no idea what you're talking about.

Off you go and advise on a thread in whose subject you do have some experience.

Being a doormat maybe?

16 months - the DS should be sleeping through the night by now? That's I think what I would be focusing on.
And stop having a go at Tulip. What's wrong with "being nice to your partner"?

Yet again an OP posts basically saying "I am married to an arsehole".

I'm never sure what to respond other than "Yes you are. What do you plan to do about it?"

Makes me mad when people refer to a parent (usually male) as 'helping' when being ever so gracious as to actually engage with or care for their own child. ITS AS MUCH THIER JOB AS THE OTHER PARENT!

I've just had to spend the morning with my BIL barking at my SIL to hurry up and get ready to leave, while she got herself and thier DS washed and dressed. Pack up thier mountain of stuff and load it all into the car. He alternated between sitting on the sofa and following her around complaining that they were still here. Didn't lift a finger to help.

My DH can be a bit lazy but fuck me, this was another level.

And tulip if the mother has a stronger bond with the child to the point where it's easier for her to do all of the parenting, then there is something seriously wrong there.

Bobble because she isn't saying "be nice to your partner".

She is saying to act like some kind of fucking 1950's house wife who should be "grateful" (GRATEFUL!!!!) to be graced with the very existence with her partner.

Meanwhile, it's okay for her partner to act like a total twat, because...well...he's a man isn't he, and men can't be expected to do women's things. Like parent their own children.

That said OP, I do agree you aren't helping yourself here. You "can't" leave your son with his own father for a day because he wouldn't tolerate being away from you? At 16 months?

Seriously?

Sounds like there is little respect for you and your expected to do all the wife work. Most decent partners can see when the other needs a good nights rest regardless of who gets up to do the paid work but it's the twats who carry on doing their own thing and show lack of consideration for family life. I think you have the latter

Women have a stronger bond to the child, we naturally want to do more/feel more responsible this is the kind of sexist bullshit that leads to men being excluded from parenting and women taking on the brunt of child rearing and domestic chores. In the first six months yes, babies need mothers more than fathers for the simple reason we lactate and men don't. After that there's no reason why men can't be equally responsible. Women and men have equal capacity to be good and shitty parents.