To not understand why so many men are shit at Xmas?

[Destinysdaughter]

I'm currently single so this isn't a problem that has affected me this year but there seems to be so many threads about women making a massive effort to make sure their kids, husband and wider family have a lovely time but their husbands haven't even bothered to get them a present? It's not exactly difficult is it? Why do men do this?

( and I appreciate it's obviously not all men and maybe my perception is skewed by the posts on here )

Just a tale of a man who 'got it right'. My lovely departed Dad. He always thought up what to get Mum (i.e. a sweater, earrings, a blouse) but I usually went with him to help him pick out the 'specifics' (size, colour, style etc). We used to make a day of it, just the two of us.

One year I went with him and he insisted on buying Mum a string of pearls and a new Bible. The pearls I could understand but the Bible? Mum opened her presents and teared up and said to Dad "Oh, I can't believe you remembered this!". Turns out these were the same items he'd bought her on their first married Christmas and this was their 'Silver Christmas' (25th Christmas as a married couple).

He was a wonderful man, my dad. They broke the mould when they made him.

Your dad sounds lovely Christmascarcass

Just back from the in laws, and there was a card on the mantle piece from fil to mil- he hadn't even written in it!! It just had the pre printed message- to my darling wife at Christmas. That is odd.. I mean he just had to find a pen and write his name.

excellent story Im. thanks.

Just need to derail slightly (in other words vent!!!!). I've just spent the best part of the day trying to clean our cluttered & run down house because my bil (dh brother) is coming to stay tomorrow. I've still got a bit more to do. I'm working from 6am tomorrow so I need to make sure the house is presentable before I go to bed tonight. My dh has spent most of this afternoon & evening watching football and he announced he was going to bed a short while ago. I said I thought he had a cheek and in the following discussion he announced that he felt that he did MORE than his fair share. He actually meant what he said.

I am leaving the vacuuming to dh, without too much confidence that a thorough job will be done.

Dh keeps saying he doesn't know why I'm bothering, but trust me the house does need cleaning. The state of the house is embarrassing enough (the only toilet doesn't even have a working flush!) without it being grubby too.

I have tried and tried to get dh to be clean and tidy but he just doesn't care. It's not my fault I want to live in a nice house and not my fault that he doesn't care.

DH and I decided not to do presents this year as we've just spent a small fortune on building and extension and money is very tight. There was nothing in particular either of us wanted anyhow and it was more important to us to have a nice day and to get our DCs what they wanted. DH did his share of present buying, shopping and cooking and we had a lovely day.

My dad never bought a present for my mum. I remember vividly all those lovely Christmas Days (well, in Spain it's actually 6th January, Three Wise Men's Day) with loads of presents for everyone, and mum's shoe was always empty and alone. If she dared to ask, in a sad voice, "where is my Wise Men?", he would answer something like "oh but I bought you two brand new tyres for your car last month" (no kidding!).

The problem is, my mum was an enabler for her whole life. She lived 40 years doing absolutely everything for my dad, cooking for him, cleaning for him, buying clothes for him, buying presents for him and his family... and then complaining she "had to do it", but never doing anything to change it.

My DH cooks, cleans and buys most of the presents (I am quite shit with presents, although I do make an effort for him). If the relationship between my parents showed me something, that was "never be a doormat".

Are they shit at it or is Xmas just gotten too much?

Look, women are raised to see giving and serving as the highest calling as a woman. And men are too. But it seems like the solution is to try and make men take on women's burdens instead of questioning why anyone needs to have those burdens full stop.

Would the world end if people just shop bought in some food instead of slaving away for weeks on end for the perfect meal?

I work in a very male-dominated environment, so I get to hear the 'bloke's view'.

Many men just aren't that bothered about Christmas and think women make far too much fuss about it. They just can't be arsed with stuff like sending cards to third cousins, or 'that couple from the Cyprus holiday in 1997 that we haven't seen since'. They don't get why women insist on buying presents for so many of their adult friends. They hate shopping. They couldn't care less about trying to live up to some advertising executive's notion of a 'perfect family Christmas'

This doesn't apply to all men, of course, and very few would neglect to buy gifts for their partners, but many of my colleagues would be happy with a lot less Christmas.

I don't think the ones that get it right get posted about on mumsnet! But DP cooked me breakfast on Christmas morning, bought me a lovely bracelet that he'd chosen, apologised about ten times that I'd got him more presents (we're on a budget with the baby coming, he got more small things), cleaned the kitchen when I was in the shower, worried about my Mum who was unwell so couldn't join us all for Christmas dinner, and went to visit his grandmother in the morning.

DPs father bought his mum a very expensive very lovely surprise present that she was thrilled with, and cooked the whole Christmas dinner himself (he takes the turkey very seriously!).

Conversely my Dad sent me a long winded message on Boxing Day to say Merry Christmas, whinged about how rubbish his was, told is what a hard time and would make it up to me and the baby in a few weeks! He was also the kind of man who let my mum do everything at Christmas and didn't get her a decent bloody present most of the time despite being pretty well off... They're not all bad, I think the rubbish ones just get talked about more!

I agree that men don't automatically turn into arses in December, those that are lazy and selfish at this time of year are usually the same in any other month.
I also get fed up with being accused of victim-blaming.
If adult, intelligent women are still running around doing everything and getting upset and cross about it, then they need to make a stand and ensure that's not what happens. Set some siodding boundaries FFS.
like so many have already said. Don't marry a knob. Don't be in a relationship with one, and don't let yourself slide into Wifework without a murmur.
I do have friends in traditional relationships, he earns and does DIY etc and she home-makes and deals with children. For them, it's an active choice, they are happy with the roles.
Not for me, I chose differently.

You get a skewed view,OP, because people write to complain. The majority of men are not like that- they work hard at Christmad and buy nice presents.

I didn't cook dinner or have to do a lot for Xmas. I bought a few presents although I didn't get Dh one. People on mn overcomplicate xmas

I don't think it's just a matter of not getting a gift. It's the sheer lazy, entitled nought lessens of it all.

How many men write and send all the Christmas cards, choose, buy and wrap all the gifts.
Plan , buy, prepare and cook the entire Christmas dinner. Clean the house invite the guests. Lay the table. Buy a table gift.
Plan exciting days out over the holidays.
Serve the meal, wash the dishes, dry the dishes, put them away.
Make after dinner drinks for all the guests.
Put the kids to bed at the end of the day.

My dp prepares, cooks and clears away along with me.
We also shop together for gifts and he does buy a thoughtful gift for me.

The number of women who seem amazed at this is laughable.

My ex h left it to me. His main priority was always himself.

It's a complete lack of appreciation.

I always take the time to thank someone if they have cooked a meal for me because after years of having to do all the cooking I am truly grateful that someone else is considerate enough to do it.

I'm sure divorce rates are highest in January and really it's not surprising.

I have never done the majority of that list. What is a table gift? I haven't even got a table

Hi little miss- I buy or make, everyone a small gift and place it where they are sitting.
This year I bought the gifts that I had made for charity, they were edible.

Lol at not having a table.
Nothing better than dinner in front of the TV.

fwiw I hardly bought dc any gifts this year.
Their present is going to be the holiday of a lifetime and they know this.
I thought they might be disappointed in not receiving any big presents but they were delighted with their small token gifts.

We had guests in and out all day and they just grabbed themselves a can or a glass of wine/prosecco. Dh poured the jagers in the evening and we did a bottle of that which I regretted yesterday! My mate cooked lunch here for us, and she got the food and we paid for it.

We haven't got a table just ate wherever as there was people in and out. I suppose I am quite blokey with my Christmas expectations.

OH always gets me presents. However, he loathes shopping and isn't good at buying for teenage girls or his mum because he just doesn't "get" the idea of buying the kind of stocking fillers they like - toiletries etc. We just give the rest of his family money because that is what they want (honestly). The only things he is happy to buy for DD is technology products like a new phone or laptop because it is something he is interested in and knowledgeable about.

He also pulls his weight in the kitchen and helped with the veg preparation and did 95% of the washing up.

I used to do a lot at Xmas but this year I have been ill and done absolutely nothing. The dcs (young teenagers) put up and decorated the tree and the house, Dh was fab, got stuff for the kids and his family, did the shop, and cooked dinner. The dcs helped with dinner and actually it was all pretty fab. Now I know what he can do ......

I bought four Christmas presents for my wife this year. I must admit I was pretty bad with the kids' presents, she got all of then except for a pyjamas I got for our 5 yo son. I need to be more proactive with that, I guess I just worked under the assumption that she would take care of the kids' presents and know exactly what they wanted. In general, I like Christmas and the atmosphere around it but I do find shopping for presents to be a monumental pain in the arse. Personally, I don't really want any Christmas presents. Most of the stuff you get you neither want, need or use. If I really need or want something I'll get it myself any time during the year.

Wilow, I think it's a great pity that it took you being ill for them and you to realise that a family Christmas should be organised by all the family

IrishDad, many women find shopping for Xmas presents a "monumental PITA" too

but I do find shopping for presents to be a monumental pain in the arse.

As AF says, everyone does. It's even more of a monumental PIA, if you have to do all of it, as well as coming up with all of the ideas.

I'm reminded of the MNetter who bought their Mum a tea towel for Christmas as a child - she thought her Mum loved doing the dishes, because she spent all her time doing them.

I think some men genuinely think women love hauling ass around the shops, doing all the present buying for everyone...

As with many mundane tasks, somebody has to do it, and guess who it usually falls to.

I'm not sure really. Dh might do most of it if I let him wait until 22nd. He just doesn't 'do' Christmas conversations or buying until mid December, and I can't really cope with that. So I tend to buy the presents from September onwards, write most of the cards (duty ones, leave any he might want to put message in) and pick up food and treats and drinks.
In the day he does a cup of tea for me (every other day too) ,

Oops. Meant to say I think he would do more if I did less. But that would mean me chilling out and being able to wait.