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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why so many men are shit at Xmas?

75 replies

Destinysdaughter · 26/12/2015 18:35

I'm currently single so this isn't a problem that has affected me this year but there seems to be so many threads about women making a massive effort to make sure their kids, husband and wider family have a lovely time but their husbands haven't even bothered to get them a present? It's not exactly difficult is it? Why do men do this?

( and I appreciate it's obviously not all men and maybe my perception is skewed by the posts on here )

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 19:21

Autumn that is a crappy victim blaming post

velourvoyageur · 26/12/2015 19:26

My dad doesn't really buy my mum or me presents. It's really fine.
I did used to get very Hmm that he doesn't get my mum presents until she told me that he'd tried hard every year in the past and in the end she told him thanks, but no thanks, don't bother anymore! (wondering when I'll hit the age where she says that to me)
But he does do as much work as anyone else if not more - cleaning, dealing with the tree, cards, food shopping & is taking me clothes shopping on Monday :) he is very generous with his energy and time. Presents aren't everything.

JamaisDodger · 26/12/2015 19:39

DH is also very busy over Christmas, he cooked and I cleaned. But he didn't get me anything, or anything from the kids, and I'm not really sure why. Ah well.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 26/12/2015 19:43

Autumn is a troll. Don't feed.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 19:46

Noted

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 19:52

Whilst I'll admit I do probably 70% the Christmas 'stuff' I wouldn't say that DH is 'shit' at Christmas. What he does he does very well and does from the bottom of his heart.

I'm just 'better' at Christmas than he is Xmas Grin

Janeymoo50 · 26/12/2015 19:59

They men in my family all got their partners presents although the kids presents were mainly done by the mums (mainly I think because in general most mums know what the kids need/want more - not always of course but kind of mostly). Things often appear "worse" on MN than in real life I find. The clue is in the name of the website.

RumbleMum · 26/12/2015 20:00

I also don't know any men who haven't bought presents. DH and I split Xmas fairly evenly (he maybe does more) as he handles food and cooking and presents/cards for his family and I do most other things - presents for the kids, cards for everyone else, making up beds, cleaning etc. So he absolutely pulls his weight, and he bought me a lovely present too. Smile

Shutthatdoor · 26/12/2015 20:07

I'm seriously hoping it's just the generations on the way out to be honest.

Hmm
LeaLeander · 26/12/2015 20:23

I am single and make sure I have a number of presents from myself as well as whatever comes my way from others. After a year in which a package from my sister failed to arrive on time and I wasn't meeting up to exchange with friends till some days later, I literally had nothing to open. It was grim and I made sure that would never happen again. (If you order far enough in advance and don't open the packaging you can even 'surprise' yourself, LOL.)

And at that I am better off than several married women I know who theoretically have family to do thoughtful things for them.

  • One is family breadwinner at difficult job (high-level newspaper editor) has three kids age 23-10, a husband who doesn't/won't work and a 70-year-old disabled sister living in her home. She kills herself to do a traditional festive Christmas season for all of them with little to no help and never gets a gift. Never.
  • Another friend also breadwinner to a lazy lout and his two adult children knocks herself out to fulfill their wishes. The only thing husband ever gets her (she is very overweight) is too-small Victoria's Secret underwear that makes her feel bad about herself. And this year a car accessory he wanted, she didn't. His kids in 20 years have never given her a thing even though she gave some of her meager inheritance toward their schooling and other needs.
  • Another friend married to a man with adult kids, she works FT also exerts herself mightily to make a nice season for his kids, their spouses and the grandkids. Does all shopping for everyone, seldom gets anything nice in return. Maybe a toiletry set from one of the DIL. Her sole gift from her (financially well-off, retired) husband was two photos he had taken of flowers outside their home, stuck in frames.
  • In October I took a gift to my hair stylist who is late 40s, mom to four age 25-9, works like a dog, has a shiftless sometime-carpenter boyfriend, father of the youngest child. I knew it was her birthday the next day & gave her a book related to her new hobby of fixing up a camper (caravan) in a shabby chic manner and she started to cry - she said 'I don't mean to sound like this but you know this is the only birthday gift I will receive." I said "Nothing from Kurt, from your kids, your mom?" and she said "no. never." She is a lovely person and very giving and kind - but apparently surrounded by selfish ingrates. I doubt she had a huge pile of Christmas gifts either.

I could go on and on. yes, I know a couple of couples where the women are quite indulged but the ratio of dud Christmases for women vs. dud Christmases for men seems quite high. I too wonder why they put up with it as this thoughtlessness is pervasive year-round, not just Dec. 25. Two of the three women above are the type who are "afraid to be alone" and have miserable lives. Spoke with #2 to exchange holiday greetings yesterday - yes I was alone, but with fireplace, scented candles, festive music, holiday films, champagne & Chambord, a nice steak dinner, a nice pile of presents, clean tidy house. She said "no comment" about her day and sounded sad, tired, giftless. He won't let holiday films or programs on the TV but prefers NASCAR reruns or hunting/fishing shows, won't allow holiday music, complained about the gifts he received, insisted on only food HE likes be served, etc. She is sad that no one (such as me) will come to them for Christmas but can one wonder? I did once and thought to myself "never again" due to the toxic, non-festive atmosphere.

BadLad · 26/12/2015 20:45

I've got 9 presents for DW (can't be with her at Christmas, but looking forward to being with her); hopefully she'll like some of them - the ideas she gave about what she wanted were snapped up by my parents.

Dad goes to immense lengths to get nice Christmas presents for my mother. Sometime he gets it wrong, but the thought is always there.

Wifey would happily not bother with Christmas if it were up to her, but she tries hard to enter into the spirit of it for the sake of me and her in-laws.

Seeyounearertime · 26/12/2015 20:46

Today 20:07 Shutthatdoor

I'm seriously hoping it's just the generations on the way out to be honest.

Hmm

Apologies shut, I should clarify.

The post previous to mine read:

Because lots of men are raised to expect the women in their lives to do all the thoughtful little things that make life nice.

To which I replied:
Today 19:09 Seeyounearertime

I'm seriously hoping it's just the generations on the way out to be honest.

Basically i was sayingnthat its an old fashioned way of thinking that will hopefully be replaced soon.
Hope that clarifies things for you.

KERALA1 · 26/12/2015 20:51

Maybe only posters badly treated post. Others don't want to seem boastful (Amber necklace, book I wanted, anthropologie dress and new shoes)

Pannn · 26/12/2015 21:11

well it probably is quite skewed but that isn;t a reason to skew it a bit more, is it?
Bloke here who cooked all of the Christmas dinner (and it was excellent by all accounts), entertained a 'demanding' teenage dd who was otherwise being...'difficult'...made sure all pressies were bought and in order, was graceful beyond reason to relatives, and washed up at the very end of it.
Rosettes needed? Nope.
But as AF indicates, if you have a lazy bloke 50 weeks in a year, why expect anything else on the 51st

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 21:14

And gaw

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 21:14

And gawd knows what happens on the 52nd .... ☺

Pannn · 26/12/2015 21:16

Quite.Smile

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 21:17

I keep accidentally pressing "post" before I am done

Gah

Pannn · 26/12/2015 21:19

yeah, that'll be the Baileys...

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 21:25

Could be..

HelenaDove · 26/12/2015 21:25

DH and i agree not to get each other anything this year. We have white goods that are getting old and a cat who is also getting old. We adore her and want to make sure any need that may come up is catered for.

Busyworkingmum71 · 26/12/2015 21:37

I am aghast by the amount of men in RL who say around the 22nd that they haven't done any Christmas shopping yet, but that they only have to buy for the wife as she has sorted everything else out (kids presents, wider family gifts, food etc) and think that that's ok.

My dh has been very involved with me in sorting gifts for all. I tend to organise/be in charge of catering and he is sort of in charge of xmas trees, tidying up outside, etc. he has also bought me lovely thoughtful gifts from himself and all the kids.

I am so glad I didn't marry a selfish entitled twat.

Whatsername24 · 26/12/2015 21:44

My husband used to buy presents for me, really thoughtful presents, but stopped some time ago. Same with birthdays, anniversaries and Mother's Day (and if it was left to him his mother wouldn't get anything either for that matter). I well remember one Mothers Day when he bought me nothing and asked why he should, as I wasn't his mother. I was 7 months pregnant with our second son at the time so it wasn't his wisest move.

I tend to let him off now though because I'm a SAHM and he works bloody hard and is brilliant in other ways. He's the only wage earner and he doesn't bat an eyelid when I regularly spend a small fortune on going to football matches with one of our boys and concerts with the other.

elQuintoConyo · 26/12/2015 21:47

DH bought me a phone. I bought him dressing gown and slippers Xmas Blush both needed, enthusiastically accepted and he hasn't been out of them since.

I organised the cards (DS and I made them), we bought for our own families, shared the thinking of and buying of DS' gifts. He did the big Christmas food shop (i was in bed with tonsillitis), I cooked it (was in recovery whereas he has a heavy cold and I'd rather he didn't sneeze or drip over the roasties).

I decorate the house as I bloody love doing it.

DH's sister is married to a knob of the highest knobbish order who does not lift a finger and buys her a present 'for the house' rathr than for her (think cinema-sized tv, blender, iPad she never gets to use etc). Is she happy with that? I haven't got a clue and would never ask. But as AF pointed out, he is one of those people who is a turd on the other 364 days of the year.

flippinada · 26/12/2015 21:49

I don't think it's fair to blame women for men's bad behaviour.

There are thoughtful men about (you probably don't hear about them so much on MN) but equally it seems to be expected that women will take on all of what I call the heavy-lifting around Christmas; choosing and shopping for thoughtful gifts and wrapping them, writing and sending cards, making sure nobody is left out, organising, shopping for and cooking Christmas dinner, making sure their house/flat is nice and comfortable for visitors etc.