To be so angry, hurt and disappointed by my brother?

[WanderingNotLost]

Bit of back story here but I'll be as concise as I can.

Older bro hasn't spoken to my Mum in a few years. He has 4 DC, the youngest 2 of which my Mum has never seen- I haven't seen the very youngest who is 6mo. My parents divorced when we were very young and my Mum brought us up- Dad died just over a year ago.

My bro is very judgmental, holds grudges and punishes people (by people I mean my Mum and me). His withholding contact from my Mum is punishment for perceived wrongdoings. I missed his 2nd youngest dc's 2nd birthday this year- it was my 30th a week later, a milestone birthday and the first birthday I've had since our Dad died- I heard nothing from him, not even a text. I know he didn't forget as I invited him and his DP to a get together I was having and my Mum sent him a message to remind him. He was punishing me. He wants us to make an effort for his dc but we never hear from him when we do, and he never reciprocates.

Case in point- Christmas. My Mum hasn't heard from them at all, no cards from bro or his DC. I spent a small fortune and a lot of time and care choosing and buying presents for them, wrapped them all and posted them up to where he lives- probably spent about £130 which is a lot, for me. Got a text from his DP yesterday informing me that they'd arrived. Today- nothing. Not a phone call, not a thank you message. 2 of his dc live with his ex so I didn't even know if they'd got their presents. Sent a message to his DP to ask if they'd all got their presents today or if they were waiting til tomorrow, she said they've all got them, thanks. That was it.

I just get so fed up of making an effort and getting less than fuck all in return. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. He gets angry with us if we don't make an effort, and doesn't bother to get in touch when we do. I know that when I have DC of my own he's not suddenly going to morph into the worlds best uncle and live up to the expectations he has of us.

I want to just give up but I feel like I'd be punishing his DC for his actions. WWYD?

Op, I'm nc with the majority of my family. One of the overwhelming reasons being is that they believe I've rewritten my childhood and overreacted to a "perceived slight". I can assure you, the abuse I and one of my siblings suffered was extreme (but kept hidden from the other siblings). And that "perceived slight" was awful to experience, but it was having my experience of it minimised into a nothing that was the final nail in the coffin! All it would have taken was an apology, which would have acknowledged that I have feelings too and that my mother was genuinely sorry for hurting me (she didn't even need to apologise for what she did, just that she was sad it hurt me - whether she intended to hurt me or not).

I know full well my family think I am throwing my toys out of the pram, and I'm only doing this for a reaction. I'm not, I'm doing it because I'm sick and tired of having things brushed under the carpet and being told I'm overly sensitive. It's quite derailing to be told you are wrong to feel the way you do.

If you are really truly upset with your current situation then meet up with your brother and ask him what's wrong. Listen to him. Respond to what he's actually saying rather than to what you want want him to be saying. Ask hlim. Listen.

Ha. Well I can guarantee that my brother was NOT the "scapegoat" in my family - he was definitely my mother's preferred child, being the only boy! But he has several chips on his shoulder, and none of us really know why, as they don't seem based in anything other than him not getting what he felt was his "due" (my BIL, oddly, has the same problem, yet was also, if anything, the favoured one!)

Mrsrochesterscat. That's a moving and poignant post. It makes me think about how I react to other people in my family. I really, really try to listen and understand, I'm not sure I always succeed.

But abusive is such a strong word. And certainly in my case I can say that my brother has false recollections of things, it wasn't a scapegoat/golden child situation, he alledges that I was abused too and that I'm in denial! Whereas I just think our parents got some things wrong but an awful lot of things right. He can only remember the bad.

Doesn't your last post say a lot though? You say he has false recollections but also that you admit that they did do things wrong but he only remembers the bad. He says you brush it under the carpet. There have been issues! None of us can really judge the reality from just following your posts. You could be in complete denial, he could have worked himself up about a few minor incidents. It could all be somewhere in between, he may be slanting towards too sensitive, you could have alwayd been too thick skinned. Who knows? Children are treated slightly differently within a family and they are all people with their own thresholds.

Is there a way forward when you can have a chat or email and say how you both want things to happen in future? Whatever has happened when growing up, or to date, how do you want presents and special events to be handled? Are we doing cards? To who? Presents? Thankyou cards? Just so we don't get things wrong, fake smile.

None of my siblings give me cards or presents, or my children. I stopped doing it for them too, they dont care and so neither do I. If they were to give me the slightest hint of dissatisfaction I would be asking them .. so what are WE BOTH doing?

Just because your needs were met during childhood, doesn't mean his needs were met. You really can't judge.

The thing is (as I've said earlier) if anyone was the 'golden child' growing up it was him. I can't go into details but the thing that made him go NC with my Mum could have been settled so long ago... part of me really does think he just likes the attention and drama of a family rift and people feeling sorry for him.

Went to a family gathering this eve (Dad's side) and found out that two of my Aunts got Christmas cards from him and text messages on Christmas Day thanking them for their gifts.

I'm done.

If you are nc, there is no drama because there is no contact.

I feel sorry for your brother. I think thete must have been something that happend and probably a number of things that you percieve as minor when in fact to him they are very important. Even if he was a golden child that can still have implications psychologically. Probably he is not interested in presents and would prefer a conversation where he is heard and his isdues not minimised
If you are unable to do this then leave him alone.

Ha. Well I can guarantee that my brother was NOT the "scapegoat" in my family - he was definitely my mother's preferred child, being the only boy! But he has several chips on his shoulder, and none of us really know why, as they don't seem based in anything other than him not getting what he felt was his "due"

Exactly the same with my brother who has done this. EXACTLY.

But the 'golden child' isn't always an enviable position to hold either. It can bring a lot of pressure and a sense of your parent's love of you only being conditional based on your achievements. Some huge assumptions made there I know but it really is difficult to say anything about your brother unless we get a fuller/more objective account.