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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry, hurt and disappointed by my brother?

61 replies

WanderingNotLost · 26/12/2015 00:04

Bit of back story here but I'll be as concise as I can.

Older bro hasn't spoken to my Mum in a few years. He has 4 DC, the youngest 2 of which my Mum has never seen- I haven't seen the very youngest who is 6mo. My parents divorced when we were very young and my Mum brought us up- Dad died just over a year ago.

My bro is very judgmental, holds grudges and punishes people (by people I mean my Mum and me). His withholding contact from my Mum is punishment for perceived wrongdoings. I missed his 2nd youngest dc's 2nd birthday this year- it was my 30th a week later, a milestone birthday and the first birthday I've had since our Dad died- I heard nothing from him, not even a text. I know he didn't forget as I invited him and his DP to a get together I was having and my Mum sent him a message to remind him. He was punishing me. He wants us to make an effort for his dc but we never hear from him when we do, and he never reciprocates.

Case in point- Christmas. My Mum hasn't heard from them at all, no cards from bro or his DC. I spent a small fortune and a lot of time and care choosing and buying presents for them, wrapped them all and posted them up to where he lives- probably spent about £130 which is a lot, for me. Got a text from his DP yesterday informing me that they'd arrived. Today- nothing. Not a phone call, not a thank you message. 2 of his dc live with his ex so I didn't even know if they'd got their presents. Sent a message to his DP to ask if they'd all got their presents today or if they were waiting til tomorrow, she said they've all got them, thanks. That was it.

I just get so fed up of making an effort and getting less than fuck all in return. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. He gets angry with us if we don't make an effort, and doesn't bother to get in touch when we do. I know that when I have DC of my own he's not suddenly going to morph into the worlds best uncle and live up to the expectations he has of us.

I want to just give up but I feel like I'd be punishing his DC for his actions. WWYD?

OP posts:
Heatherplant · 26/12/2015 09:20

You know when you have children he won't reciprocate. Personally I'd limit contact to cards at Christmas. If you want to keep in touch with nieces/nephews then pop a little voucher in their cards but don't go out of your way. The problem with this kind of behavior is it plays on your mind, whenever you find yourself mulling it over try to stop and think about the relationships you get something positive from.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 26/12/2015 09:33

My brother is very similar, I went to great lengths to buy presents for his three children and post them but would never hear if they had arrived or if they were the right sort of gifts. I gave up buying in the end, it's difficult when you don't know what the children are into. It didn't need to be long thank you letters - just a text or even a quick photo of them on Christmas Day would have been great.

Nataleejah · 26/12/2015 09:42

You having a happy childhood does not mean he did too, children can experience the same situation differently.
^^ this.
He sounds like a very angry person. It means he has a major grievance.
I agree with others about presents. You won't be punishing his kids. To be honest, kids these days are overindulged with presents, so things coming from extended family most likely just create clutter.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2015 09:49

I would leave them to it as well. But then I have an absolute non-relationship with my brother, as he also has re-written his childhood to equal a borderline abusive one, and despises all the rest of us for perceived slights. My mother is dead though, so she doesn't have to suffer the awfulness of the situation - my Dad occasionally tries to persuade us to get together but there is too much water under the bridge now (I have tried a couple of times, for my Dad's sake, but get absolutely no response, so have given up).

Stop throwing energy and time at him - it's a waste of both (and money, for that matter).

PingpongDingDong · 26/12/2015 09:53

Definitely don't make that sort of effort again. It's not fair and it's certainly not worth it. I think I'd just send a card next time. I didn't send a gift to a couple of young relatives that never respond at all. I still felt mean doing it but why should you bother if they don't even care enough to acknowledge you?

Meow75 · 26/12/2015 09:53

NC with my brother since 2010. Still in touch with his kids though... but they are also NC with him and adults.

Dipankrispaneven · 26/12/2015 10:07

Your brother clearly views contact/no contact as a way to punish you. Therefore in your shoes I would take the power out of his hands by simply going no contact with him but sending small presents and cards to his dc - and that would stop if they don't thank you.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 10:07

I agree. Just because you experienced a happyish childhood, doesn't mean he did too. My brothers had a great childhood, me much less so due to a lack of attention.

Some people just aren't that into the whole Christmas/birthday thing and struggle to coordinate themselves. Two of my brothers are like this but I don't take it as a personal thing as they are just generally crap with birthdays/xmas's unless a person is sat right in front of them. However we do FB each other and snapchat which suits their modern style of communication. They are also short of Thankyous but I know they appreciate my token gifts. We live separate lives with sporadic contact throughout the year. This is fine and suits me.

I really can't decide if your brother is being unreasonable as I don't know enough. It's very sad that your mum hasn't seen two of her grandchildren and I wonder what led up to this.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 10:09

It's odd to expect a thankyou the day after receiving a gift.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 10:10

OP how do you and your brother/nieces communicate throughout the year?

AyeAmarok · 26/12/2015 10:14

Chops

If people "struggle to coordinate" buying presents and gifts for other's birthdays then that's fine. But they shouldn't when others don't manage it either. That's double standards.

And it's not hard to send a text to say thank you on Christmas Day.

Your posts on this thread are a bit bizarre.

AyeAmarok · 26/12/2015 10:16

Shouldn't kick off*

WilburIsSomePig · 26/12/2015 10:21

He's not interested, he has his reasons, either respect them, get out of his face with the expensive gifts, or continue causing the resentment by doing what you're doing. He obviously thinks their wrong.

What a really odd response to the OP.

icanteven · 26/12/2015 10:27

I don't understand why you spent £130 though - why did you make such a massive financial investment when you know that he is a) not keen and b) never reciprocates? If I didn't buy somebody presents or have much to do with them voluntarily, but every year they spent well over £100 on me and my family, I would start off feeling uncomfortable and get increasingly irritated by it. If you MUST, then surely a £10 gift each for the kids is ample, and then LEAVE IT.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. He has indicated very strongly how he feels, and you should respect that.

BoxofSnails · 26/12/2015 10:45

I recognise this pretty strongly except for both of our parents are gone. And it's my sister, who has twice attempted to cut me out now, this latest time includes a Facebook block and appears to include presents too.
I have good relationships with aunts etc on each side of the family - for that reason I keep in touch but from this year I think it will be nephews and niece only.
I have good friends and make efforts to stay involved with their children. They're the equivalent of nephews/nieces anyway.

MyDogStinks · 26/12/2015 10:47

"You having a happy childhood does not mean he did too, children can experience the same situation differently"

This is so true. Have you tried to listen to what it is that he feels is wrong?

I ask because I have gone nc with my brother possibly through miscommunication. He lives abroad and I tried to keep in touch but he never replied to my messages, thanked me for gifts or acknowledged my dcs birthdays. I ended up taking him off Facebook, not because I wanted him out of my life, but because it was painful to see that actually he wasn't bad at keeping in touch in general, he just didn't bother with me. He's taken this as me rejecting him (I believe) and has cut me out.

He'd tell you that our childhood was ok and I'm making too much of things. I'd tell you he was taking drugs in school at 13 and hasn't dealt with anything. There's always 2 sides...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2015 10:56

I think some people are missing this line from the OP:
"He wants us to make an effort for his dc but we never hear from him when we do, and he never reciprocates."

So it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with the OP, he WANTS her to send gifts and make much of his children, but he can't be fucked to either thank her or reciprocate.

That's not his choice to go NC, that's him being a selfish wanker.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 26/12/2015 11:17

We were brought up by a single Mum, Dad was largely absent and we were poor, so for both of us childhood wasn't idyllic. But the way he talks you'd think he was A Child Called It.

My eldest DN has a mobile phone with whatsapp so we stay in touch that way- that's how I knew what present she wanted. She often tells my Mum and me how much she misses us both.

I spent £20-30 on each of them, postage was about £20 (eldest DN's present was a heavy one). I certainly didn't set out to spend that much, but if I see something I like I want to get it for them.
I'm hurt for my Mum more than myself to be honest- for my part I'm just pissed off and tired of everyone bending over backwards trying to appease him, all for nought. He hasn't gone NC with me, he just doesn't bother with me, but because of where he lives it's difficult for me to visit, and since our Dad died he certainly won't bother coming to visit any of our family.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 26/12/2015 12:00

What Thumb said.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 16:33

I haven't thanked anyone yet for our Xmas gifts. I'll do it over the next month. Is that a crime?!

Perniciousness · 26/12/2015 16:49

You have to step back and try and stop caring so much. You can't change his behaviour so there isn't much point analysing it. You are 'upset' that he didn't thank you for the presents but, honestly, are you surprised? Surely he is behaving exactly as you expect.
I wouldn't go NC but I'd take a huge step back. Sending expensive presents is a bit daft - he is the type of man that might see that as an 'aggressive' or 'passive aggressive' act. IYSWIM As might the fact you texted his partner to ask about the presents.

Just be glad he lives far away.

MoMoTy · 26/12/2015 17:29

According to you and your mother the misdoings seem to be brushed off as slight. People just don't cut contact with their family easily over something small. So there is his side as well.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 26/12/2015 17:41

I also have one like yours. I'm amazed how many of us on this thread have siblings who are angry about abusive childhoods when the other sibling doesn't recall it as such.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 26/12/2015 21:09

But that's Family Dynamics 101, whatthefuck. If you were the Golden Child and your sibling the Scapegoat, you'd remember a fabulous childhood where you were indulged, taken seriously and encouraged by your parents. Your sibling would remember being dismissed, ridiculed and asked 'why can't you be more like your brother/sister'. Neither of your memories would be wrong, but they would be very different.

Chopz · 26/12/2015 23:04

I agree imust. There often is a family scape goat or black sheep, while the golden child has a joyful ride