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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal?

40 replies

wubfud · 22/12/2015 11:51

I have been discussing the fact that my DH has bought nothing and contributed nothing towards stuff for our baby on a pregnancy forum. I'm due very soon. I've had the buy everything myself and he earns way more than I do. A fair few people responded saying their's haven't either and they seem to think it's fairly normal.

Is it normal? AIBU to think that partners should contribute towards their child's necessecities?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 22/12/2015 12:02

No, that's not normal. You are married and having a child. Why have you got seperate money not "family" money?

IAmAPaleontologist · 22/12/2015 12:06

Odd. He does realise it is his child too right? Or are you going to be the only one who clothes and feeds it for the rest of it's life?

Original poster
wubfud · 22/12/2015 12:07

We have a joint savings account for baby which tbf he has been putting money in but other than bills our funds are separate because he is very precious about his money. I know that it isn't normal myself. But the fact that others are living the same and think it's normal concerns me. I have been raising the issue with him. Why should I have to create the human and buy everything for it too. Doesn't seem fair!

OP posts:
thelaundryfairy · 22/12/2015 12:08

Normal is a horrible word. However, I would expect where two parents are having a child and have the means to contribute that they contribute more or less equally to the things the child needs. Have you asked your husband to contribute? Has he noticed how much you are needing to buy?

catfordbetty · 22/12/2015 12:12

I'd be worried about the future. Will you have to haggle over every new pair of shoes?

FairyFluffbum · 22/12/2015 12:16

Nope. He should be buying this too but then again me and dh don't have separate bank accounts.

We have one joint and everything goes in and out of it.

If either he or I want to make a big purchase, we discuss it with each other. Works for us

purplewhale · 22/12/2015 12:39

Blokes just don't get it. We have separate finances (just a joint account for bills). I took mine baby shopping and he paid. I don't think they realise how much is needed or what it costs.

Just tell him...I've seen the cot I like, it's £200, wanna go halves? Or you buy the drawers, they are £200 also.

I think a lot of men are quite gormless about babies. Mine has no experience of them, I have to explain everything to him then we can discuss it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the parent and he's my assistant but actually he's really good with DS, he just needed to learn. Still now with expenditure I tell him what's needed, how much it costs and ask him to go halves or buy it and he does

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2015 12:44

purplewhale that's bullshit. Men are not clueless or gormless about babies, any fucking idiot knows that babies cost money.
Op, it's not ok for your partner to be previous about 'his' money. What are you going to do when you are on maternity leave? This is a very disfunctional situation and could veer into financial abuse.

KinkyAfro · 22/12/2015 12:47

So do you pay for the baby's stuff out of the baby's joint savings account or out of your own?

FairyFluffbum · 22/12/2015 12:49

purplewhale that's bullshit. Men are not clueless or gormless about babies, any fucking idiot knows that babies cost money.

Yes and no. When pregnant with dc1 my dh knew it would cost but even he was shocked by how much things were. Mind you I get Shock at the prices of some prams

SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 12:55

That's only half the story though op, surely.

What was his response when you raised the issue with him? I agree with a pp, if he's point blank refusing to contribute to the big 'one off' costs now, i'd be more concerned about the future - because babies/kids are a bloody endless money pit.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/12/2015 12:55

It might be normal if you're married to a twat.

It's not the "normal" that you want to be. Talk to him.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 22/12/2015 12:59

But he has contributed if he's put money into the savings account, surely? Confused

KatharinaRosalie · 22/12/2015 13:02

On the one hand, DH didn't really buy anything for either of our kids. Still doesn't.
On the other hand, we have fully joint finances, so the situation is totally different. Whatever works, but personally I would find it very hard to have totally separate finances when you're married with children.

If you still want to keep separate accounts, you should have a joint one for paying for anything child related.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/12/2015 13:07

ah just saw the account - you have a joint account for the baby, but on the other hand, you say he has contributed nothing? So the account is not for buying baby stuff and he expects you to pay for everything from your own money?

BondJayneBond · 22/12/2015 13:12

DH contributed more money towards preparing for DC1 than I did. He earns a lot more than I do, but has always had the attitude that the money in the bank is family money rather than rigidly divided into his and mine.

We talked about baby needing a pram, cot, etc etc, looked at options together, and then DH got his wallet out and paid. He's always been ready and willing to buy whatever the DC need.

I don't know how "normal" DH is, but I'd certainly expect fathers to be willing to contribute financially towards things their children need if they're able to.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/12/2015 13:13

Present him with the receipts and ask for half?

Junosmum · 22/12/2015 13:13

Ok, so we have a joint account, which pays for all household bills and which soon will also pay for the extra expense that comes with a baby. We then have a joint savings account (currently with zero in) which is for spending on the house and holidays and seperate savings accounts (he has nearly 0, I have the money I'll use for mat leave) then seperate car savings accounts, for tax, insurance, MOT, maintenance etc as one of our cars costs more than the other- why should one of us choose an economical car and then have to contribute to the one who chose a sports car- that's the reasoning not that one has a sports car, but it gives us autonomy over what car we can choose, within reason. And then seperate 'spends' clothes, meals out, drinks with friends, our mobiles, make up eyc as we both have different priorities for example I'd never pay £40 a month for a phone, he'd never pay £25 for moisturise. Doing it this way save a ton of arguments over what we each spend money on and we can treat each other to meals out and presents if we want and it ensures all bills get paid.

Now to the point. I've bought 90% of baby stuff for baby due in 3 weeks. This is because OH has been a student for the last year and has only been able to pay household bills and petrol for himself plus a few spends- I've been working full time so have more money. He's now got a job so has bought a few things.

I think we should have bought it all jointly but due to his finiancial situation it just wasn't possible. That's fine, sometimes you have 'to take one for the team' however if I'd known he had money just sitting there I'd have just said 'you owe me x amount for the car seat I just bought' and he'd have happily given it me (as long as we'd discussed the item as being necessary/ useless wanted before hand).

How each couple chooses to dish out money is up to them- I'd hate to be paying less than 50% of household bills, regardless of the difference between mine and OHs pay, it's just the way I am. However when it comes to kids I believe each parent should contribute 50% as well, to everything.

Junosmum · 22/12/2015 13:15

Sorry for the typos!

titchy · 22/12/2015 13:36

You need to be clearer.

You say you both have a joint savings account for the baby and he's putting money into it? So he IS contributing. In which case why are you using your own money instead of what's in this joint account?

On the separate finances part, lots of couples who work have separate accounts - we do, and contribute to a separate account for bills. Again you say he contributes to bills. So what isn't fair exactly?

As long as you both have a similar amount left over after paying bills/baby savings stuff that's perfectly fair. Or isn't that the case?

BondJayneBond · 22/12/2015 13:41

Have you just namechanged, OP? Confused

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 22/12/2015 13:41

Is necessecities made by Lego? Grin

We have joint finances and always have. It was our baby and we provided for it. I was a SAHM when we had dc2 and dh's salary was still our money.

ButterflyUpSoHigh · 22/12/2015 14:17

My dh didn't physically buy anything for our children but all our finances are shared.

Original poster
wubfud · 22/12/2015 14:26

Sorry been busy! The savings account is for when she's 18. I have asked him to put money towards what I have bought but says no because I chose them. I presume he will obviously buy formula and nappies and such when there is a real baby here but it's probably quite difficult because it's not real to him. I know that this is not good myself. I am concerned that other women find it acceptable and don't query the fact the my partner doesn't buy anything

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2015 14:28

How the fuck is the baby not real to him? I'm sorry that's a pathetic cop out.