Is this normal?

[wubfud]

I have been discussing the fact that my DH has bought nothing and contributed nothing towards stuff for our baby on a pregnancy forum. I'm due very soon. I've had the buy everything myself and he earns way more than I do. A fair few people responded saying their's haven't either and they seem to think it's fairly normal.

Is it normal? AIBU to think that partners should contribute towards their child's necessecities?

You might be querying it, but what are you doing about it?

Are you shopping together? Is he having any input into what you're getting?

And why are you 'presuming'?

I think you're going to be functioning as a single parent whilst living with your husband.

Plus we have also experience losses so he may not want to buy anything until baby is here. I know that this is a problem. My post is about the fact that other women do not recognise that this is a problem, have jabbed at me for expecting him to provide and are happy with their partner buying a few baby grows or such

DH and I had separate bank accounts when our children were born, and when I went on maternity leave he took over paying my share of rent and bills, so that "my" money (maternity pay and child benefit) was just for buying things for the baby and myself. We were lucky that we hardly needed to buy anything before the baby arrived as we were given so many hand-me-downs; Moses basket, bouncy chair, clothes, and DH's parents bought the pushchair.

How are finances going to work after the baby is born? I think if you're concerned about his contribution now, you really need to discuss what's going to happen when you're on ML.

Stop talking to these women then, they are idiots.

You know this is a really bad sign for the future, dont you? Hes precious about his money...you are going to struggle.

To say a DH has bought nothing for a baby is, in isolation, completely meaningless.

It's ridiculous to assume this an automatic fail without a full picture of (a) who contributes what to the relationship and (b) what (if anything) has been agreed between them about who should contribute what.

For example, it could be that he's single-handedly paying for virtually everything else, not because he's agreed to, but because she has unilaterally decided that paying mortgage and utilities is a man's job, so she won't be contributing towards them. In that position a man might then leave the child-related stuff to her, because it's the one thing he knows she will get her wallet out for. Not that I know any woman like this in real life, of course not, terribly far-fetched...

Obsidian I can get this, I'm 28 weeks pregnant and DP keeps forgetting, not in a malicious way or anything - but we have had 5 years of not being pregnant so when we go out for tea, or mention something which is happening in the next few months it just kind of gets forgotten so he will ask things like 'who's driving?' etc.
I understand this as I'm carrying it, feeling it move etc - and my DP doesn't think it will really hit him as 'real' until the baby actually arrives.

Saying that though OP, though DP hasn't physically gone out and bought anything for our baby we have split the costs equally (I bought cot and drawers, he bought travel system and car seat) but has let me choose mainly as I'll be the one using the travel system on a daily basis etc.

I do wonder if, as others have asked, you have discussed how finances will work when you're on maternity leave? The fact he's refusing to pay for things because you chose them is a bit odd, While you're on leave I would imagine you'll be choosing most things for your baby as you're off and he won't be there. Will he refuse to contribute then too?

Gosh there are some obnoxious people about on MN today.
My DH hadn't a clue what babies needed until I got pregnant. He knew about a pram and a cot, no clue what they cost...why would he. I didn't know what they cost til I started looking at them.

Baby things are much less on a mans radar than a woman's. I know it's a sweeping generalisation but women talk to each other, your friend gets pregnant, tells you what she's bought and how much it costs. I very much doubt that men have the same conversations!

I don't think it's necessary to tell someone when they share their own experience that they are talking bullshit. Did you mean to be so rude?

Can't you see that's not what the op is talking about, and that making such feeble excuses for men isn't helpful in this case?

In general things for kids should come out of joint money.

Hen he says you are choosing things? Is it because he never comes along or because you are excluding him?

You know he has issues with the losses, so why are you moaning about him? Tell him you understand but need contribution and take it out of the money in the bank.

There could be many situations where one person paying for things is fine and many where it's not.

My ds and his then go had a baby when he was 20 and a full time student. He took a part time job and bought most things the baby needed including cot moses basket car seat etc. I think when a dad is working he should pay at least half. But l think if you dash out and buy stuff with no discussion and looking at prices makes etc it's different. He needs to have a say and then pay.

other than bills our funds are separate

That's FINE as long as "baby stuff" and "house stuff" and "groceries" and "insurance-type-things that only come along once a year" and eventually "childcare" all come out of the "bills" account, and you contribute to the bills account in such a way that you are not financially disadvantaged by the fact that you have had a baby.

(or realistically so that you are equally financially disadvantaged because babies are bad for finances)

So if you take maternity leave, if you work part time, if you are unable to take up certain opportunities because of the baby, he will need to put more into the joint account to make it so that the amount of spending money you are each left with is fair.

Of course partners should contribute - no, it's not normal for only one to be financially responsible unless there is a very good reason (like the PP where the partner was a student and had no money).

FWIW my DH was pretty insistent on joint finances when we bought a house (he earns a lot more than me). I contributed a lot more to the deposit and he was contributing more to the mortgage and he argued that we'd built a life and bought a house together and 'my' money and 'his' money had become a meaningless concept.

I realise that arrangement doesn't work for everyone, but even if you're against the idea of 'family money' then once you've got a baby on the way there really does need to be some kind of joint contribution worked out that's fair to both sides. I think you need a very, very serious talk about how finances are going to work in the future.

I cant remember the last time my dh bought clothes for either of our Children. Or food. He does frequently come home with lego sets for them to build together though.

wubfud it isn't just the fact that he needs to contribute fully to "his" share of the baby's costs, but that your whole family finances have now changed now that you are pregnant. Your earning power (now AND in the future) has been compromised by you having his child in a way that his hasn't been, and the way your share your family finances need to reflect that. It's you that has to take time off to have the baby, and so on and so forth. It isn't enough for him to dump a few quid in a savings account and think that he's done his share, because he really, really hasn't.

This would ring alarm bells for me. On several levels.
If you go back to work I hope you won't be the one paying all the childcare.
Agree, serious chat needed about expectations all round, not just financially.