or over sensitive RE: DM giving gifts 'from' me

[Sonders]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so apologies if I mess up my acronyms ;)

I have quite a small family, just 10 of us who I think are quite close. Christmas is always hosted by my DM and she does a brilliant job, everyone always has an amazing time.

Apart from one thing. Each year my DM gives presents to my family members and signs the tags from "Sonders and Sonders' DB". These are given alongside the presents that I have purchased, which are from "Sonders and Sonders' DP".

Every year I then have really awkward 'thank yous' from family members for gifts which I have to then hastily work out what they are. Everyone knows these gifts are not from me & DP - mine & DMs handwriting is completely different, they're wrapped in DM's classy wrapping paper (and not my crazy colourful stuff) plus one year it looked as though I'd gotten DGM 2 of the same present as DM and I both bought nearly the same thing!

I've said to my DM for at least the last 5 years that this makes me feel hurt each Christmas - like she has to make up for me not getting the family enough presents. In reality, I put so, so much effort into making sure I get each person something really thoughtful.

Maybe 10 years ago when I was a student it made more sense as I didn't have much money to spend but now I probably buy as much as she does.

So, cut to Christmas 2015, and I find out DM has done it again. AIBU to be hurt, or should I just put up with it? WWYD?

If you are there when people are opening the gifts why can't you just make it into a bit of a joke ie aunt opens present that mum has bought from you and you say to aunt oh hand it over so I can see what I got you !
Do you think it's possibly just that she wants to buy everyone lots of presents but doesn't want it to look like she is giving a lot more than she is receiving so that other family members don't feel obliged to buy more IYSWIM . I really don't think this is something I could get that worked up about.

I'll bring it up on Christmas eve when I help put the presents under the tree.

I'd tell her i found it really embarrassing that she was still doing this. You can start off fairly lightheartedly saying 'oh god mum why are you still doing this?' ... and then tell her sorry, but it's getting weird now you're an adult. If she gets all overcome with grief about it tell her to get a grip and that you too are allowed to be upset about something and it's not a competition. Say she can buy what she likes 'from' your DB, but can she leave you out of this now. This would annoy me i'm afraid.

Re: the ultra sensitive stuff; a lot of being 'very sensitive' is pretty calculated to stop other people challenging you about anything. It's probably so ingrained that she isn't even doing it consciously anymore.

I'm sorry but your mum sounds like a pain in the arse and you tiptoe around her in fear of upsetting her. She's upset you! Why are her feelings more important? You're her child - she should be more worried that she upset you than about being upset herself.

P's she also spells my name wrong on the cards

The anecdote about the broadcaster is revealing I think. I reckon she's doing it because she has firm ideas about what gifts are suitable for whom so she buys those herself. That way, when you give your wrong gifts, there's no harm done because she has made sure they do get the right thing and gives herself a pat on the back for saving the day again.

This is exactly the sort of behaviour my exMiL would demonstrate. That story about the broadcaster is EXACTLY what she would have done in the same circs and she would have been very anxious if the spurious thank you hadn't been made. It's very very controlling and it's about reassuring herself that she's still needed and it would all go tits up if she wasn't on red alert.

You're going to have to be very firm indeed with her.

OP, OK, raise the presents thing and if she argues, say 'Oh, just treat this like the other things you argue with me about. You know, storm off but then come back and act like it never happened.' in a light-hearted tone with a light expression.

Call her on it. Confront her with her behaviour.

Our relationship is probably the best now that it's been in a good few years

But if you have to keep your mouth shut to keep her happy it isn't really a good relationship surely?

I would be really cross about this situation in your shoes.

My DM's like this, she goes slightly nuts at Christmas. Although with her it takes the form of her getting her hands any way she can on the gifts that I've bought my Dsis, her GCs and her exdh and 'helping' me wrap them. Which means taking them away from me altogether (after a few minutes it gets blatant to the point of taking things out of my hand and body blocking me) and doing it herself to her plan, which is never how I would do it (any comments I make involve detailed explanations of why that won't work) and involves the parcels looking a complete mess since wrapping isn't her forte and I like gifts to look pretty, and making things far more complicated than they need to be. It's a control thing, not in a nasty way but overdrive. she has to do things for her beloved people herself for some reason, and to an extent she's never quite accepted that I'm not an extension of her when things get down deep enough. She doesn't pull this on my sister to the same extent but its still there. I have to hide those gifts and lie like mad to avoid it. (wrapped weeks ago mum!)

If she sees me shopping for gifts for those people she will also stand there and tell me in detail why it's the wrong gift, the wrong colour, they wouldn't like it, they wouldn't use it, get that hideously ugly thing they would hate instead. I therefore will only shop when alone, otherwise I would otherwise be forced to chuck neat gin at her head. It's anxiety and protectiveness. I could easily imagine her just buying gifts for them on my behalf.

She is otherwise sane and lovely so I put this down to Christmas stress and the long term effects of a very messy divorce, swear quietly and pour myself another glass of gin.

We had a Christmas card from the neighbours addressed to knotty, knotty db, and knotty dd.

I have no idea whether they had a brainfart doing our card and just randomly hit on db's name, possibly from chatting to dad when he was helping with the front paints last summer, or if I had a "moment" when I filled their card in!

Either way they think dp has db's name! How the hell do I fix that one?

Just a game of 'sniff the parcel' on Xmas day with everyone.
The ones that are from your mum pretending to be from you will stink of cigs!

This is about much more than presents, isn't it? This is about your DM wanting to be Queen Bee, controlling you and DB, making sure she gets her own way but dressing it up and dragging you into it (eg the smoking) and having a tantrum if it's not all about her and her wishes.

And the reason it's "getting better"? Because you've started giving in and keeping quiet and not rocking the boat. She hasn't changed one jot.

She's keeping the noose tight and you're letting her. The presents thing just happens to be the one you feel up to challenging.

Maybe you need to review your relationship with her in all areas if you want things to change and to be treated as an adult. If you let her have her own way on most things, then she's going to find it very easy in her mind to swat away the presents issue.

My mothers the same. When I complain I am made to feel ungrateful. It is a form of helping but also very much about control. Re Andy Murray comment I once called my mum a pig as she stuffed her face on chocolate- said in the way most people would see as a joke. Silent treatment for a good 3 weeks during the most stressful period of my life- my a-levels. I have got into similar bad relationships ever since... Until now. Now I recognise it

Can't this be turned into a bit of a family joke? So Auntie Aggie opens her gift from you (your DM) and says thanks and you pull a mock and face and say, 'You are so welcome Auntie...what was it I gave you?'

Repeat for all ten family members and I think everyone will realise you aren't entirely delighted with things but won't actually be having to call your mother on it and creat a scene.

I second the tippexing out of your name on her parcels

OP I feel your pain! I have long ago mastered the art of being in the wrong / causing confrontation with my mother without even opening my mouth.

I think I would just laugh that off though, because it's just making your DM look a bit daft and you can just do a melodramatic eyeroll when anyone thanks you.

How did Christmas go for you OP? Did you mention to your mum about her giving gifts 'from' you but that weren't actually from you???

Watcha I was just coming back to give an update, DM changed the tags without me saying anything - she must have remembered from last year (unless DB said something)!

The whole day was nearly without incident but for a scuffle between DM & DB but that's a whole different kettle of worms ;)

Good result for you though! Thanks for coming back and updating. Happy new year to you

My mil did this with me once. The 1st christmas I'd had at their house. Dh & I had bought presents for all of dh family. But she took me upstairs (without dh) and laid lots of unwrapped gifts on the bed, alongside some wrapping paper and tape and told me they were for her family from me & dh, and that she'd let me wrap them! She'd even bought a gift for herself from us!
I had only met her a few times and it was the 1st time in her house so I didn't say anything and just did what she asked