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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or over sensitive RE: DM giving gifts 'from' me

69 replies

Sonders · 22/12/2015 11:48

Long-time lurker, first time poster so apologies if I mess up my acronyms ;)

I have quite a small family, just 10 of us who I think are quite close. Christmas is always hosted by my DM and she does a brilliant job, everyone always has an amazing time.

Apart from one thing. Each year my DM gives presents to my family members and signs the tags from "Sonders and Sonders' DB". These are given alongside the presents that I have purchased, which are from "Sonders and Sonders' DP".

Every year I then have really awkward 'thank yous' from family members for gifts which I have to then hastily work out what they are. Everyone knows these gifts are not from me & DP - mine & DMs handwriting is completely different, they're wrapped in DM's classy wrapping paper (and not my crazy colourful stuff) plus one year it looked as though I'd gotten DGM 2 of the same present as DM and I both bought nearly the same thing!

I've said to my DM for at least the last 5 years that this makes me feel hurt each Christmas - like she has to make up for me not getting the family enough presents. In reality, I put so, so much effort into making sure I get each person something really thoughtful.

Maybe 10 years ago when I was a student it made more sense as I didn't have much money to spend but now I probably buy as much as she does.

So, cut to Christmas 2015, and I find out DM has done it again. AIBU to be hurt, or should I just put up with it? WWYD?

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/12/2015 12:40

This is either an issue or it isn't.

If it is an issue for you, why not get there early and remove any presents that she has wrapped and labelled from you from under the tree? Then you can only give the gifts that you've bought. She can return them at her leisure after Christmas but you can say to her "Thanks mum for buying the gifts but I don't need you to do that anymore, so I've left all the gifts you got for me to give up in your room and you can return them whenever you get a chance".

If it's not an issue, then you just go with the flow and leave her be to do whatever she wants.

Original poster

Sonders · 22/12/2015 12:46

girly I found out by mistake, I was visiting last week - DM showed me her home office (my old bedroom) filled with wrapped presents as she'd just finished and I saw a label. I wish I'd said something then.

It is like when you're a child and have gifts from 'Santa' but you've long worked out that it's really mum & dad.

DM doesn't have any mental health issues, it actually runs in our family and she's not really been affected. However, she is definitely a perfectionist when it comes to Christmas and wants everything to be just so.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 22/12/2015 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 22/12/2015 12:47

Does your brother buy gifts for everyone OP? If not, is your mum embarrassed about this?

This is the kind of thing my MIL would do and I find it unfathomable.

MaidrinRua · 22/12/2015 12:47

I feel your pain. My MIL keeps buying her partner, sister etc birthday cards and presents from me and DH!!

Original poster

Sonders · 22/12/2015 12:51

I think the more casual approach could work (especially as I've tried proper chats so many times), I'll bring it up on Christmas eve when I help put the presents under the tree.

I'm pretty sure DB buys presents for everyone, perhaps not our young cousins as I'm not sure he'd know what to get children. He certainly gives enough for it to not be embarrassing

OP posts:

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 22/12/2015 12:55

Oh OK she has no excuse then!

CastaDiva · 22/12/2015 12:55

You need to establish better boundaries - she's infantilising you, and seems to be implying you're not adult or responsible enough to be trusted to buy presents for the wider family.

My mother used to do versions of this with her adult children. When I was 25, I won a major doctoral scholarship which was named after someone who was a long-deceased (in the 1920s), distant ancestor of a local broadcaster in my hometown (she made the connection because it was an unusual surname). My mother kept saying I needed to thank the broadcaster 'because it would look ungrateful not to', despite me pointing out the tenuousness of the connection and that the money didn't in fact come out of the local radio presenter's pocket - and that in fact I had already met, in my first term, the awarding committee at a dinner.

I found out when I visited them at Christmas that my mother had written a fulsome thank you note to the local radio presenter, and signed it from me!

ScrambledSmegs · 22/12/2015 12:59

You could try the 'helpful' approach. When you're putting the presents under the tree, have a marker pen in your hand and at every present your mum has labelled as from you and your DB, chuckle and say 'well that's not right', cross it out and put your mum's name instead.

Of course that could start WW3 but it would get the point across.

girlywhirly · 22/12/2015 13:00

Well if there are no mental health issues you can ask that she puts away the gifts she has labelled from you. Or she can label them 'from Santa'.

But you would like the opportunity to be recognised as an adult who can sort out her own gifts to people.

ScrambledSmegs · 22/12/2015 13:00

Btw you need to nip it in the bud now, because when you have children she'll do presents on behalf of them too

OnlyLovers · 22/12/2015 13:04

Just keep telling her. Doesn't matter if she thinks 'all you do is complain.' I mean this in the nicest way, but you need to toughen up!

Phone or see her in advance and just say 'Please don't give out those presents pretending they're from me and DP. We've bought presents of our own for everyone.'

Just keep saying it.

Strangertides1 · 22/12/2015 13:05

I think I would turn up in Christmas morning with my presents and say to dm 'just to be clear, I have bought people gifts from me, I hope you haven't done the same as I've asked you not to'. If she continues to hand out gifts from you, follow it up with a clear and loud, 'no that's not from me, here is my gift to you, that's Dms writing'. If she's not listening to you then perhaps actions will speak louder.

Tinseleverywhere · 22/12/2015 13:08

I think you should keep telling her, but in a mature polite, but firm manner. You want her to treat you like an adult so you have to act in a very adult way. It sounds like she does other things like this too, you mentioned a problem to do with your wedding. Don't turn it into a big deal, but don't just let it drop either.

Original poster

Sonders · 22/12/2015 13:20

My mum is one of the most sensitive people I know, I can't say anything without her thinking it's an attack (e.g. a couple of years ago Andy Murray's pic came on TV and she said she hated him, I replied with something along the lines of "he might be lovely in real life, it seems a bit harsh to hate someone you don't know" which apparently was very mean of me).

Our relationship is probably the best now that it's been in a good few years which might be why I'm so worried not to rock the boat. I do want to nip in in the bud though, I can definitely see her being very possessive of future grand children.

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 22/12/2015 13:22

If everyone knows the gifts are from your mum and not you and your brother, then I don't understand why it hurts you?

OnlyLovers · 22/12/2015 13:22

Unfortunately I don't think you can both 'not rock the boat' and 'nip in in the bud'...

She sounds massively touchy and utterly tedious, TBH. What actually happens after something like the Andy Murray incident? As in, after she's said how mean you are?

OnlyLovers · 22/12/2015 13:23

Leelu, the OP finds it uncomfortable and embarrassing, and other people give 'awkward' thank-yous so presumably feel the same.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 22/12/2015 13:33

take a bottle of tippex when you next visit and erase your name

Dipankrispaneven · 22/12/2015 13:36

You need to ask her to take those labels off the presents she has bought now.

Snowglobe1 · 22/12/2015 13:40

She means well, I imagine, but this is barmy. I'd just tell her not to do it, and if she does, say as loudly as possible that actually it wasn't from you.

Original poster

Sonders · 22/12/2015 13:48

OnlyLovers When I accidentally 'attack' DM I just get a small rant, followed by a storming out, followed by never mentioning it again. Occasionally she'll realise she overreacted and come and apologise.

I've also got the gift of attacking DM without saying anything at all. She's a very heavy smoker (at least 50 a day) and I can't stand it - it made me very ill as a child, I hate the smell and I hate watching my mum do something that is slowly killing her. Every time she smokes in front of me she makes a big deal out of it, along the lines of "yes I'm smoking, I know you hate it but it's my house, my rules". I've literally said nothing and somehow ended up in an argument

OP posts:

Dipankrispaneven · 22/12/2015 13:49

To be honest, if your mother is going to take offence anyway, you might as well give her something to take offence about. So tell her those labels have to come off her presents immediately.

chillycurtains · 22/12/2015 13:51

Since she hasn't listened to you then I would leave all my presents that I had bought somewhere like the car and say "Oh I realised it was silly us both getting presents from me so I've saved my money this year." Just make out that you have no other gifts to give out until the last possible moment or even just after all the gifts have been handed out.

Kaytee1987 · 22/12/2015 13:55

Nothing useful to add to the above. I feel your pain though my mil insists on giving family presents & cards signed from her, bil, DH & me - it's really embarrassing, we're a married couple and can give our own gifts / cards. No one else in the family does this and there are several cousins married or otherwise.

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